I recently suffered the loss of an aunt. It was unexpected and hard to deal with. Ever since I was little, I've had a problem with the thought of death. My first experience came with the passing of my grandpa (my dad's dad). This was the first and only funeral, I've attended in the almost 38 years I've been alive. At the time of his passing, "Thriller" was in heavy rotation on MTV and the radio. So think of it from my POV, I'm six years old, and I'm watching my grandpa being lowered into the ground. I freaked the fk out. I thought he was going to be one of those scary people who crawled out of the ground like in the video. I never properly healed from that. To this day, I cannot watch "Thriller".

I've had several family members pass over the years. I've found it difficult to pay my respects and honor them by being at the funerals for them and the rest of the family. I feel like crap for not being there but what else can I do? I know if I go, I'll have a severe panic attack. But I don't want anyone to know that because then, I'll feel like a freak.

My father was recently in the hospital. He was released last week. I worried more about him this time around because he's older and it takes longer for him to recover. I hated seeing him hooked up to the machines but it's better than the alternative. I'm at that stage in life when I see my parents and dread the thought of losing either one of them. They are loved dearly by me, my older sister, younger brother, and my precocious 11 yr. old niece (grandpa's baby girl). I love my family and I have a hard time knowing that any minute, they will cease to exist, and that saddens me beyond words.

I worry about my own mortality because I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. Before I leave this mortal plane, I want to do something memorable. I know my family and friends love me and some people don't have that in their lives, so why should I complain. Because I want something more. I should be married or in a committed relationship, at least, but I'm not. I haven't been part of a couple in what seems like eons. My life right now consists of working three jobs, writing and that's about it. I need to do more with my life before I leave this Earth. What should I do? Watch as the rest of my life passes me by or go out there and do something that makes me happy. I'll have to go out and see what I come up with. I've had my eye on my coworker for a while. I think he's feeling me too. Who knows? I might be part of a couple again. I don't want to be an old spinster, like Miss Havisham. Please, don't let me end up like her.

Sorry, if this reads like I'm rambling. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head.