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Mortality Sucks!

huktaunluv

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I recently suffered the loss of an aunt. It was unexpected and hard to deal with. Ever since I was little, I've had a problem with the thought of death. My first experience came with the passing of my grandpa (my dad's dad). This was the first and only funeral, I've attended in the almost 38 years I've been alive. At the time of his passing, "Thriller" was in heavy rotation on MTV and the radio. So think of it from my POV, I'm six years old, and I'm watching my grandpa being lowered into the ground. I freaked the fk out. I thought he was going to be one of those scary people who crawled out of the ground like in the video. I never properly healed from that. To this day, I cannot watch "Thriller".

 

I've had several family members pass over the years. I've found it difficult to pay my respects and honor them by being at the funerals for them and the rest of the family. I feel like crap for not being there but what else can I do? I know if I go, I'll have a severe panic attack. But I don't want anyone to know that because then, I'll feel like a freak.

 

My father was recently in the hospital. He was released last week. I worried more about him this time around because he's older and it takes longer for him to recover. I hated seeing him hooked up to the machines but it's better than the alternative. I'm at that stage in life when I see my parents and dread the thought of losing either one of them. They are loved dearly by me, my older sister, younger brother, and my precocious 11 yr. old niece (grandpa's baby girl). I love my family and I have a hard time knowing that any minute, they will cease to exist, and that saddens me beyond words.

 

I worry about my own mortality because I haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. Before I leave this mortal plane, I want to do something memorable. I know my family and friends love me and some people don't have that in their lives, so why should I complain. Because I want something more. I should be married or in a committed relationship, at least, but I'm not. I haven't been part of a couple in what seems like eons. My life right now consists of working three jobs, writing and that's about it. I need to do more with my life before I leave this Earth. What should I do? Watch as the rest of my life passes me by or go out there and do something that makes me happy. I'll have to go out and see what I come up with. I've had my eye on my coworker for a while. I think he's feeling me too. Who knows? I might be part of a couple again. I don't want to be an old spinster, like Miss Havisham. Please, don't let me end up like her.

 

Sorry, if this reads like I'm rambling. I just had to get these thoughts out of my head.

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Sometimes rambling is good.  It cleanses our soul by haphazardly emptying it of it's doubts and insecurities by being honest with ourselves and putting it out there for others to see.  You'd be surprised at the people that feel like you from both sides of the coin.

 

My mom was just 52 when she passed, two years younger than I am now.  I was convinced that my life would be no longer than hers.  I lived in fear of the age of 52.  Ironically, during that year, lots of things happened.  One of them was that I found GA and my GA friends.  Now I have a place to go and lose myself and at other times, find myself, the thoughts of death far from my mind. 

 

I still think of my death and of course my husbands.  He's eight years older than I am, but still very healthy and active.  We've both been blessed with our health and I am thankful everyday.  When you look at things happening around you, it makes you embrace the smallest of good that comes to you.  Hopefully, you'll find someone to share your life and love with and that will make you feel more at peace with your life.  It does me.  Having someone there, especially when you do feel a little off kilter is definitely a plus.

 

Sorry, now I'm rambling :P  But yes, we all feel as you do and it seems to worsen as we get older.  Hugs and best wishes.

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Thank you, joann414. I take your hugs and wrap myself warmly in them. It's good to know others have the same concerns as me. Now, I don't feel so alone in my thoughts.

 

I'm happy I found GA, otherwise, I wouldn't have an outlet to get my thoughts and concerns out when I need to, like in my blog. Having others read and understand where I'm coming from is cathartic. I'm able to lose myself here when I need to escape the harsh realities in my world. I love reading the amazing stories by the amazing authors on this site. I love that I'm also able to escape in my own writing. I may not be the most popular writer on this site but those few who are following my story, I write for them. They're interested and that's all that matters to me. So, I'll keep writing no matter what.

 

As to the latter, I hope that I can find someone to share my life with like you and your husband. To find someone who keeps me grounded but allows me to go crazy when I need to. I need that. I have my fingers crossed that I'll find it.

 

Don't worry, you weren't rambling at all. You wrote exactly what I needed to see. Thank you!

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