So a little update, and a freak out

The thought of moving home freaks me out, on many many levels.

But I look forward to it at the same time, it’s really weird.

Let me give some context.

So about a month ago, I booked a trip to go and see mikie again, because I had the money from my student grant, plus I’d earnt a lot at work to afford the trip. So all is good.

However, I hadn’t told my mother yet. As many of you have heard, my mum can be a bit of a nightmare. She has a lot of mood swings, and many of them unexpected.

I’v ebeen trying to tell her but with my nan going in and out of hospital, herself getting pneumonia and making a swift recovery it’s been difficult. So I asked my dad two weeks ago to tell her. And he didn’t. Until last night.

Example of my last visit home (last weekend):, I moved some stuff back in. I put the boxes in my room, in my own space. Then just before I leave she grabs my arm and twists it and proceeds to yell at me saying that I treat our house like a hotel…

Umm… I come to visit sometimes? Of course It’s like a hotel. But I don’t. I do all the chores when I’m home and I go the extra mile so that my parents don’t have to do as much (my parents are full time carers to my grandma who has early dementia, with my dad also working a full time job, it’s really hard on them).

But anyway. So I go upstairs to grab my bags before I leave, and then I notice all my boxes are gone. And my bed had been moved.

Now the bed I had in my room was one way for a reason, because if I had it the other way then it would be impossible to get into the cupboard where my clothes are kept. So it’s logical. And I always move it back that way when I come back home. But for some reason, she has this obsession with the bed being the other way. And then she yelled at me over that, saying its her house and its her rules.

At this point, I burst and I yelled back at her. For one of the first times. I yelled back saying she treats me like I’m 12 and that I don’t have my own space and I feel claustrophobic in my own home because of the restrictions she sets.

Back to the story, essentially dad told her last night and said ‘don’t text back’ and this scared me. And I woke up to

two missed calls from him. Which freaks me out even more. I just get really really scared she’s gonna yell at me. I hate confrontation. I just hate doing it. I don’t understand why people can’t just be nice to each other lol I’m nice to pretty much everyone I meet lol Unless I dislike you, then you know it lol I’m just easy to read as a person LOL.

So that freaked me out.

So, why I don’t want to move home. It plain and simply rests with her. I don’t want to move back into a house where I feel totally uncomfortable. I mean I’m uncomfortable in my current house, but at least I have my own space, and its how I want it.

Why I want to move back? I get to be closer to my immediate family and I can see more friends, more often. But I have less freedom.

It’s a hard conundrum. I mean I’m moving back no matter what, it’s just hard to think about.

So, another thing I needed to talk about lol

Next year. I’m at a point now that I don’t know exactly what I want to do for my masters. And It’s too late now to apply for it.

I had a really stressful time Jan-May with my final projects in my thesis class and theatre company class. I just didn’t have time to think about my applications. It just makes me anxious because everyone is expecting me to just do stuff and just go with it.

Like for example, if I get an A in my degree, my university offers a fee scholarship to study. However, they only offer an MA by Research in Theatre. Now, I’m going to spend 3 years of my life independently researching a topic. I need something more than just one tutorial a month lol (which is what the MA by Research would be)

So that closes that avenue. And the other avenue is at a school that is ridiculously expensive without any financial support. And when I spoke to students, they were very sketchy on the topic. Like they were all in huge debt. There’s a career development loan I can get, but its dangerous. Really high interest a month after graduation from the MA and it’s not a financial risk I’m willing to take.

So, I need a scholarship. So, it’s a point now where I’m thinking waiting is the best option.

I’m waiting on one other course which is like a bridge from BA to MA, A PG Cert in Applied Theatre for Young People and it would be great if I could get onto that. It's just perfect for what I need. Part time. A Stepping stone. Opportunity to explore other things at the same time. Low cost.

So, I’m a little stuck on what to do til Sep 2015. It feels like I should just look for opportunities for a year and see what comes up. But it’s so insecure. And I hate that. I really don’t deal with insecurity very well, because I am already very insecure about myself.

Maybe I need to spend this year getting to know myself, go travelling maybe…

Anyone got any ideas what I can do with a gap year?

It’s just a hell of a lot to deal with at the moment, with mother, stress, masters and figuring what to do for a year. It’s just difficult.

It seems to me alot of people are going through a rough time at the moment.

Love to everyone and may we all find the right path.

JC