Xander....without sounding like a broken record..go back and read your blogs in the summer and fall....don't you think you and Justin are in two different worlds and universes? I believe we all have encouraged you to find other mates and to move on....isn't it clear that you could have had a great year and that you were introduced to a whole bunch of cool Gay guys in the late summer and early Fall, in your own neighborhood, all of whom offered you friendship and the opportunity to develop that with them?

Instead, it seems you turned down those opportunities and have been miserable for the entire school year. Justin is with his girlfriend....that's his choice and he has not done anything of substance to maintain a friendship with you....aren't you worthy of amazing friendships? It seems you passed up on a whole bunch of cool friendships for one horrible one with Justin?

Maybe instead of being angry at Justin, whom to me has dumped and stomped all over your friendship with him that you move on....go out for the play....find those cool Gay guys in your neighborhood who asked to hang out with you and stop making yourself miserable..Had I know what happened I would have told you this ages ago.....don't take down your own self esteem to the gutter because Justin has decided he would rather be with Lorena (that's his choice..I won't degrade it...but its his choice and he has chosen his girlfriend over you every single time and that has happend for a long period of time....he doesn't seem to be the kind of guy who can have a significant other and friends..that's his loss..but in the mean time you are choosing to be with someone who dumps all over you.....you can't honestly say that is worth it..if Justin cares not to give you the respect that you deserve and the respect your friendship deserves and the respect a friend deserves why are you bothering with him?)

TIME TO MOVE ON...I believe we said that to you in the Fall...nothing has changed since then and Justin's behavior toward you gets worse....

are you afraid to believe that you who give some much of yourself to your friends aren't worthy of other friends and why not hang out with cool Gay Guys that you will have so much clearly in common with then your very straight former friend Justin (it seems to me that he stopped being a friend to you a long long time ago)

I want better for you and we all do..how come you don't want better for you in friendships? I am betting that at least one or more of the Gay Guys you met would love to have you as their amazing friend and potentional boyfriend even....what are you afraid of.....you have nothing to lose since you have nothing left with Justin who chose to stomp all over your friendship with him...his loss....move on and have the friendships you so richly deserve and the potentional as I see it for a boyfriend in that bunch and the beginning of a happy life...not to mention if you try out for the play and make it...you will have an amazing experience and new bonds and new friendships!

Justin blew it big time for a long period of time....he let you go..its done, buried and over...I hate to be brutal but I don't know what else to say to shake you out of this.....you are so deserving of great friends because you are one incredibly amazing friend and great guy....Justin's loss....he gets Lorena not you for his best friend..let him go....he let you go a long time ago...

now, if you don't do something about it..you only have yourself at this point to blame..yeah, it sucks to lose a former best friend (it doesn't help that in your own way you wish Justin is Gay...but he isn't and well, if he were and treated you as he does I would still say the say thing....he treats you horribly..and you deserve far better) and its tough to find new friends but not that tough since the Gay Guys you met really like you and I do remember all those Gay Guys wanting to hang out with you and be your friend and you didn't explore that...I don't get why given that Justin has been such a (you can supply the curse word)....

Stop letting him do it to you and you are...now get on with it..find those Gay Guys to chill with.....try out for the play and find cool friends there....

ok, enough of my tough love....next blog entry I hope we read all about your new friends....Good Luck to you and lots of hugs and forget the losers...they deserve each other and not you...you are a wonderful friend so go be with wonderful friends...

Michael

Hey Ronnie!

First off, Woo HOO about Annie being back on

Ok so I don't know if this is going to help at all, but here's a little story from my life when I was in Junior high and high school.

In 7th grade I started to become close friends with this guy named Cody. Anyway by 8th grade we were best friends...and I had developed something of a crush (not that big a crush but a bit, I was pretty much completely over it halfway through or Fresh. year). Anyway the summer before our Fresh. year of high school I was spending the night at his house and he started acting "weird". He kept insisting that I sit next to him on his bed, and he had some excuse (which I can't remember) for rubbing my thigh.

So I've always considered this to be a "huge defining moment" in our friendship.

What did I do? Hopped off the bed and changed the subject...then he tried to insist and got a little frustrated: "come over here, Damnit!", and I believe I said something like: "naw, I'm ok over here." So why'd I do this? Turn down the advances of my then crush. Well several reasons. First off I was pretty sure he wasn't "gay", he just wanted to mess around. I suppose everyone's heard the rumours (or had the experiences) with regards to what can happen amoung friends at that age. So basically I knew it would end up meaning more to me than it would to him. And I don't care what sort of fantasies people have, or what sort of erotica they've read; I still don't think it's a good idea for a "straight" guy and a "gay" guy to mess around. Someone's just going to get hurt or freaked out. And I really did value his friendship.

Well anyway the rest of the night passed without incident, but suddenly things were different between us. We used to talk on the phone every night, now all of a sudden he never called me, and didn't stay on the phone long when I called him. I also suddenly wasn't getting any invites to go places/hang out/do stuff. Basically he was embarrased about what had happened (I'm guessing it was even worse since I turned him down, and could have made him look gay if I'd told anyone about it), but it was probably my fault too after things started to get bad. I got a little jealous and maybe a tad possessive at first. But eventually I just decided "screw this" and quit worrying about it, I just hung out with different friends. Well we were never openly mad at each other and just made small talk when we did see each other. Finally about two months later he just randomly called me up and asked me to come over. Which I did. It was funny his step dad saw me, greeted me warmly (I always did get along well with his family), and looked at Cody and commented something like: "wow, I thought you guys had had some sort of falling out, you hadn't invited Kevin over in so long." To which he just looked at me and smiled and said: "well now I did [invite him over]". And that was that, we were back to normal...well normal for us anyway. I clearly remember about two years later I was ranting to another friend, Philip (GOSH! was I into that boy at the time, he was completely gorgeous, had an extremely cute personality, and was as sweet as icing!) about an argument Cody and I had had the night before when we went out to dinner (and we really had argued over several stupid things). Anyway when I finished Philip laughed and said: "it sounds you like guys are dating!", then I thought for a second and realized "geez it really is like we're dating on without the physical stuff". It was kind of funny, whenever he had a girlfriend and we all hung out I was always wondering which one of he'd treat like his S.O., and I really am happy to say most of the time it was the girl (like I said I was over him by then anyway and really did only want a friendship). Anyway we're still friends to this day, though we got to different Universities and don't chat as often.

So you're probably wondering why I told you all this...I kinda am too! J/k actually it's because I want to make two points. (1) the way we eventually re-established a healthy friendship was by me just backing off completely and letting him come to me. In fact after that first initial time when I realized what happened, that's how we basically always dealt with stuff. Things would get tense between us and we'd both just back off completely then randomly one of us would decide it was time to be close friends again. Anyway why not give it a try with Justin? As Michael pointed out you've all but bent over backwards to maintain the friendship and be there for him; it's his turn now. Don't get mad at him, don't "cut him off" or ditch him, just give him plenty of space and see if he comes around on his own. Chances are he will and if he doesn't...well you really did do more than your fair share for the friendship and if he's not willing to give you something to work with you really are better off.

Point number two (2) what do you want with him? Do you want his friendship or do you want a relationship? If you just want his friendship then fine, give it some time for both of you to not be mad/annoyed anymore then pick up where left off. But if you really can't reconcile your feelings, if you really don't think you can ever be "over" him, then as much as it sucks my personal advice would be to move on. It's tough to be friends with someone you're in love with and watch them date someone else. It's even harder if you don't like that someone else. I don't want to disappoint/hurt you, and of course you do actually know him whereas I'm just guessing based on what you've told us, but I'd have to say, IMO, Justin's straight. I'm sure he does (or at least did, hopefully still does) have feelings for you, but they aren't necessarily romantic feelings. Let me ask you one really cruddy question. And believe me I'm not trying to defend Lorena in any way, but does it really matter who he's dating if he's not dating you? I mean could you honestly see yourself being happy for him and enjoying seeing him in a good relationship with any girl?

I know it's not really any of my business, and I do hope I haven't offended/upset you in anyway. I just want to help, and my final advice is: Please don't hold your breath waiting for him. You deserve to be with someone who's completely into you (and if he's straight he simply never can be). If you think you can put your feelings aside, and once this little rough patch is over, continue to be friends with him (and not hold out hopes for anything else) then by all means go ahead. IF he starts treating you the way he should. Let him come to you this time, and honestly try not to be disappointed if he doesn't.

So anyway I'm sorry if I said anything out of place, Ronnie, but I sincerely only wish you well and want things to work out for you. You're a great person and deserve to be happy. Don't let people, especially people who are supposed to be close to you, treat you any other way.

All the best, have an awesome day, and take care,

Kevin

Michael...

I think one of the reasons I have such a hard time just telling him to f**k off, I deserve better, is the fact that I'm afraid of losing my 'once' best friend. I never had any real friends in grade school....sure I had some friends but they were school friends and never invited me anywhere outside of school, but could go do things without me. But in 6th grade, Justin came up to me outside at recess and asked me if I wanted to play with him and a couple other guys. He wanted to be my friend...it seemed like he was the first person (other than my friend when I was little that died) who WANTED to be my friend. I just have that emotional attachment knowing that there's still a piece of that sweet little kid who was my friend, trapped inside this current asshole of a friend. I know I need to make some more friends so I can avoid getting hurt later by avoiding him and her. That's another thing...I HATE lorena. I said from the beginning that I would NOT let her win, to take over my best friend. She's done a pretty hell of a nice job so far but I just keep wanting to say "It's not over until it's over".

As for those gay guys....there's only two that I know of. RJ, the one I used to work with, I havent seen down the street lately, I'm wondering if he still lives there. The other one is the only openly gay guy at school. I've never even talked to him because I don't know what to say, lol. But I did try out for the play and I know he did so if we both get a part, I can get to know him that way. There's also that cute! guy in my chorus class who makes the gay comments all the time, but I'm still convinced he's straight because a bunch of "hot" chicks hang out with him all the time. I've kinda became friends with him since that Christmas thing....he's nice to talk to during class.

I've also tried gaining other friends besides that...this girl I've known since like 4th grade Meghan, and I have kinda became closer again and she's the one who convinced me (along with me being pissed at Justin) to try out for the play and I did so with her. I also have already made a few drama friends, one of which thinks Lorena is nice...I'll have to inform him of her doings...lol

Thanks Michael ....I'm gonna take some of your advice. I'm definately gonna try to make more friends and that kind of thing, but I'm not going to completely get rid of Justin as a friend. I'm just going to do what (I forget who) told me a while ago, quit setting myself up to get hurt like I have been, stay a friend to Justin (being the better person) and just hang in there and maybe someday the whore will drop dead and I can have my friend back and maybe get rewarded by God for going through so much .

Kevin...

..but suddenly things were different between us. We used to talk on the phone every night, now all of a sudden he never called me, and didn't stay on the phone long when I called him. I also suddenly wasn't getting any invites to go places/hang out/do stuff.

I've said before and I still believe it strongly, what was said by Adam and Jimmy...."that when you're best friends with a person so long, you get to feel like you will never find anyone more compatible". And when he said that I'm like YES! I know what you mean!! So I guess I would like a relationship but since that's probably never going to happen, I would at least like the friendship that I used to have with him. And yes, believe it or not, I could be happy for him in a relationship with an understanding girlfriend...I would LOVE it if it was another girl he was going out with...under one circumstance....that she's like Topanga (from Boy Meets World) who understands that guys need guy time and need to spend time with each other once in a while. But Lorena couldnt be any more opposite.

Thanks Kevin , take care.

Xander,

I think you have it perfect!! I apologize if it appeared that I urged you to get rid of Justin as a friend. I don't mean to imply that. I feel as if he has forgotten that you are indeed one amazing perfect friend. I should be so blessed to have you as my friend..Incredibly blessed. So, I feel you have it right..be open to as Kevin said have Justin approach you but you should, as you are doing, branch out to gather new friends.

Now, a funny line from one of Dom's chapters (remember where Luke said that he was getting girls numbers since that meant there would be hot guys at the parties)...maybe you can use that in reverse with your new "metrosexual" friend, who is Gay friendly (the one who attracts all the girls, which in turn means they know guys and well you get the hint)

And I am proud of you that you don't wish bad karma on Justin. I do hope that he finds his way to remember just because he has a girlfriend he shouldn't forget his friend. Also, think of what Kevin said..would you feel the same way if Justin had a different girlfriend then Lorena?

Now, if you get the part..you have a bonding experience with the cool Gay guy in school...now this may sound silly but you can always write down what you want to say..but keep it simple...like hi...can you help me run some lines..and I can help you run lines....how was your day (and listen..really listen to what he says..a smile helps too:)

and if you don't get the part...well, then still volunteer (yes, volunteer) to do anything with the play..set design, paint, do the programs, run lines with cast members...so you get to go to play practice with the crew and you can hang with Meghan and with the cool Gay Guy (he has to have cool gay friends and use the line from Luke in DD....(chapter 33) where there is one cool Gay Guy there will be others..and build from there.

and lo and behold Justin will see you have a life and hopefully get interested in what you are doing..be open to your friendship..just don't be his door mat...obviously Lorena brings out the UGLY in Justin and its not a pretty site and very sad and must break your heart to know the bad influence and bad karma she brings and negative influences on Justin..but don't hate Lorena...to me she has very low self esteem and hate is bad karma...and comes back to you 10 fold....I hate to use the word pity (but pity best describes how I feel about her.....she seems to be ugly to the bone and that's not pretty....there is an old Winston Churchill story...Lady Astor complained to him that he was drunk..he sad "Madam, yes I am and in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly" that's sort of poor Lorena....not nice and I don't like the word evil..but seems to be....sad, very sad..

Just be there as the friend you are for Justin but not the door mat for him....I wish there were a way to get Justin to understand his conduct hurts himself worst of all (I have this feeling you are not the only friend he is doing this to)

So, time to work on you and enjoy the things you do....chorus, plays, your other friends....be there for Justin but not his door mat and when he reaches out to you, promise me one thing don't and I mean this from the bottom of my heart DON'T dump your other friends (then you would be doing what he is doing) and if you had plans with other friends and he asks you to break them..see if you can include him but don't break those plans and if he can't then he has to learn there are other times to be with you...maybe he will learn that way too...friendship is not to be stomped on....and he has stomped on yours with him.

I think the world of you and I hope you find your way and grow from the pain and hurt and just know you are a stand up person and a great friend and a good soul worthy of great friends, one very lucky guy who will be your boyfriend (now when then that happens...remember not to forget your other friends..don't do what Justin is doing..learn from his mistakes) and you have much to offer..so share it with the world:)

Prayers said, Good Karma sent and go break a leg (in the world of acting sense..not literally) and I so hooope that you get the part you want or any part for that matter:) Lights, camera, action.....

and by the way, Meghan seems like a great friend and also maybe time to find that Gay friend in the neighborhood..ask around..someone has to know where he is:)

I look forward to how it goes..and it will go very well:)

Rainbow Hugs sent your way:) I am proud for you and proud of you:) You have great inner values and ethics and its going to work out for you..I feel it and you do the same..feel it, dream it and be it:)

Michael

Mmm, high school drama, what fun! Anyway this:

That's another thing...I HATE lorena. I said from the beginning that I would NOT let her win, to take over my best friend. She's done a pretty hell of a nice job so far but I just keep wanting to say "It's not over until it's over".

Your best friend isn't a football, and you're not playing capture the flag with Lorena. Treat it like some sort of competition and you're guaranteed to lose. For whatever reason he's hung up on her and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Which, I will freely admit, sucks, but there you go.

Having said that, stop playing the damn game with her. From what you've described she's getting off on it as much as she is twisting your friend around her finger. So... stop playing. Be nice, be polite, and when she gets involved leave. And make it (politely!) clear you're going because of her.

Sitting in the cafeteria and they come over? Say hi, and ask her politely to go sit somewhere else. If she doesn't, get your stuff together and leave. At a football game or whatever and they stop by? Be nice and ask she goes somewhere else. If not, get up and move. If you don't want to go, ask them both to go sit somewhere else. Do that especially if she starts enjoying forcing you out of places. If you're out with him doing stuff and she calls, get him to bring you home first and if he won't then bug out yourself and call someone else for a ride or walk home or whatever.

At some point he will clue in that something's up (likely the first time you ask them both to go away) and get pissy about it. You will get, in one form or another, a "you're making me choose!" accusation, if he doesn't just go missing entirely. When it comes, be clear that you're not making him choose. You don't like Lorena. You're not obligated to. Since you don't, you're not going to spend time around her. That's your choice, not Justin's. You aren't forcing him to choose -- he can do whatever the hell he wants. You're the one choosing, and you choose to not spend time with someone you don't like.

And yeah, you may lose him over this, but I'd bet not. If he's as good a friend as you say he used to be, at some point he'll clue in to the fact that he's been yanking you around to cater to his girlfriend, and you've chosen to not be yanked around any more. He'll either accomodate you, or he won't. If he does, great, and if not then it's better to get it over with now. It's possible you may have to decide whether you're willing to make some accomodations of your own for him.

Basically you need to draw your boundaries and make it clear you want him to respect them. If you can manage this without heat (which will be very tough, but try as hard as you possibly can to be calm and not get upset whenever this happens) you've got a damn good chance of this all working out relatively well, and if it doesn't work out you'll at least have tried and will ultimately be spared the hassle of having to deal with her.

Getting into pissing matches with a friend's SO always dooms you to misery. That's what you're doing with Lorena. So... put it back in your pants, there's no way to 'win' this one, and playing just gets your shoes wet.

-Dan

Mmm, high school drama, what fun! Anyway this:

That's another thing...I HATE lorena. I said from the beginning that I would NOT let her win, to take over my best friend. She's done a pretty hell of a nice job so far but I just keep wanting to say "It's not over until it's over".

really sums up the problem.

 

Your best friend isn't a football, and you're not playing capture the flag with Lorena. Treat it like some sort of competition and you're guaranteed to lose. For whatever reason he's hung up on her and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Which, I will freely admit, sucks, but there you go.

 

Having said that, stop playing the damn game with her. From what you've described she's getting off on it as much as she is twisting your friend around her finger. So... stop playing. Be nice, be polite, and when she gets involved leave. And make it (politely!) clear you're going because of her.

 

Sitting in the cafeteria and they come over? Say hi, and ask her politely to go sit somewhere else. If she doesn't, get your stuff together and leave. At a football game or whatever and they stop by? Be nice and ask she goes somewhere else. If not, get up and move. If you don't want to go, ask them both to go sit somewhere else. Do that especially if she starts enjoying forcing you out of places. If you're out with him doing stuff and she calls, get him to bring you home first and if he won't then bug out yourself and call someone else for a ride or walk home or whatever.

 

At some point he will clue in that something's up (likely the first time you ask them both to go away) and get pissy about it. You will get, in one form or another, a "you're making me choose!" accusation, if he doesn't just go missing entirely. When it comes, be clear that you're not making him choose. You don't like Lorena. You're not obligated to. Since you don't, you're not going to spend time around her. That's your choice, not Justin's. You aren't forcing him to choose -- he can do whatever the hell he wants. You're the one choosing, and you choose to not spend time with someone you don't like.

 

And yeah, you may lose him over this, but I'd bet not. If he's as good a friend as you say he used to be, at some point he'll clue in to the fact that he's been yanking you around to cater to his girlfriend, and you've chosen to not be yanked around any more. He'll either accomodate you, or he won't. If he does, great, and if not then it's better to get it over with now. It's possible you may have to decide whether you're willing to make some accomodations of your own for him.

 

Basically you need to draw your boundaries and make it clear you want him to respect them. If you can manage this without heat (which will be very tough, but try as hard as you possibly can to be calm and not get upset whenever this happens) you've got a damn good chance of this all working out relatively well, and if it doesn't work out you'll at least have tried and will ultimately be spared the hassle of having to deal with her.

 

Getting into pissing matches with a friend's SO always dooms you to misery. That's what you're doing with Lorena. So... put it back in your pants, there's no way to 'win' this one, and playing just gets your shoes wet.

 

-Dan

This was excellent. Couldn't have said it better.

Sharon

Xander-

It sucks but sometimes you've just got to punt.

This is only going to hurt worse the longer it goes on.

Take you dog for some long walks where there are cute guys and frisbees.