Kevin, ummm, advice huh?

Don't do EVERYTHING you have been doing.

You know what I felt like when I read your blog? I felt like I was reading a chapter of DD with Rory. Where his brain is telling him not to do something, yet his body does it anyhow.

I mean, you recognize that in many situations you are leading people on. You really should try to think about what situation you are in and try to look at it from the other persons view.

And you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but if you aren't interested in someone, you can gently let them know, instead of giving them more hope.

Or maybe you should just accept that you're a big tease .

Anyhooooo, Take Care

So basically I want to be able to freely pursue the people I want to pursue and gently let the others down. Ummm HOW? What do you do if your approached by someone you're not interested in at a bar? I mean how do you just walk away from somone who's trying to hit on you?

 

Anyway if anyone has some advice I'd really appreciate it. I'm chronically bad at saying no. Not just with stuff like this but in general.

PASS ON THE ADVICE! Seriously, I could have written what you did about how to turn down people you're uninterested in and saying no to people. I swear sometimes that the word 'no' does not exist in my vocabulary. I dance around its meaning but I just can't say it. Like last week I couldn't say it and now I'm working an extra shift at work on my spring break. I think trying to be nice and still turning people down is an important skill that has to be learned. I guess its one neither of us have yet to learn.

So good luck and be sure to pass on the wisdom!

Kevin,

You can be nice and not interested and be polite and say things such as "you are a really cool guy and I am flattered but (insert blank) and these are listed since you can't seem to say no and hurt someone's feelings.

1. I have decided to stay single and not date at this time since I am moving and don't want to create any attachments.

2. I don't think we would be compatible but I wish you the very best.

3. (if you have use the fake boyfriend)...i.e. I am dating someone and we are in a committed relationship..so I am flattered but thanks but no thanks.

4. I am just here with some friends and I am just here to chill but not really into getting to know anyone at this time....thanks any way.

5. Excuse me, I think you are a cool guy, just that I just broke up with my boyfriend and I am determined to take the time to heal and not date for a while so I can reconnect with myself.

as you develop more confidence to say "no"...you can just smile and say thanks for the chat but I am not interested in starting anything with anyone at this time....good luck to you...and then say, well, if you don't mind I have to go call some friends who were supposed to meet me here and find out what happened to them (or I have to look for my friends who seem to have scattered)

The art of saying no gracefully takes time....and it is better then saying "um, dude, I am just not into you so get lost"

It is also tough out there with all those metrosexuals (are they or aren't they one of us...so sometimes the flirtdar like Gaydar can be on the fritz....)

My point is that also it appears that women may think you are on the heterosexual team so be aware and shut down the flirt impulse..for each smile...give the friendly smile but not the flirt smile and comments like I will have to check out the exact location of all those piercings..um.....penalty and sideline you so the women don't get confused.....and that would be confusing to hear if you don't play on their str8 team.

Good Luck and it takes time....and when you want to go to hot spots maybe bring a friend so he can keep your flirtdar in tack and come to your rescue.....if need be....you can be each other's buddies to help each other....i.e. come to the other's rescue in case of "Danger, Will Robinson"....unwanted sexual flirting coming my way.....help me out here....

Michael

 

The art of saying no gracefully takes time....and it is better then saying "um, dude, I am just not into you so get lost"

 

I like this one, but I've been told I'm just a tad blunt. Michael's given some good tips and any should work for most situations. Saying 'no' is an important skill to learn, otherwise, you'll end up like my sister who had to go to therapy to learn how to say 'no' to our Mother.

Sharon

OK, here are the three main methods I've used when someone I'm really not interested in won't take the more subtle hints (momentary lapses of attention as a truly hot guy walks by, for example).

1. I start talking to my imaginary friend. If that doesn't scare them off right away I pass my imaginary friend a drink and then look all surprised when the glass goes crashing to the floor.

2. I invite them to dance and then proceed to demonstrate an epileptic seizure on the dancefloor. Normally they get so embarrassed they back of really quick, but if that doesn't work I start screaming at them to get a little more lively with their own dancing.

3. I start pointing at random guys and telling him about how I've slept with them before, but was really disappointed because they were "really small" or "lousy lays". After pointing to the third or fourth guy and saying how disappointed I was because they "only had eight inches" they generally back off - and if they don't it the chances are they've got more than that and hell, any guy with that much meat in the locker is worth a ride at least once!!!

OK, here are the three main methods I've used when someone I'm really not interested in won't take the more subtle hints (momentary lapses of attention as a truly hot guy walks by, for example).

 

1. I start talking to my imaginary friend. If that doesn't scare them off right away I pass my imaginary friend a drink and then look all surprised when the glass goes crashing to the floor.

 

2. I invite them to dance and then proceed to demonstrate an epileptic seizure on the dancefloor. Normally they get so embarrassed they back of really quick, but if that doesn't work I start screaming at them to get a little more lively with their own dancing.

 

3. I start pointing at random guys and telling him about how I've slept with them before, but was really disappointed because they were "really small" or "lousy lays". After pointing to the third or fourth guy and saying how disappointed I was because they "only had eight inches" they generally back off - and if they don't it the chances are they've got more than that and hell, any guy with that much meat in the locker is worth a ride at least once!!!

Hi Kevin!

That sucks you basically got chased out of the bar on Valentines day. But I suppose on the ego boosting side of it, you seem to have NO problems what-so-ever of picking up guys. lol sounds like girls too for that matter! hehehe and it sounds like you could have had an interesting conversation with the cute blonde if the other guy hadn't walked up!

I really like RHawes idea's. My personal favorite "brush off" is to act really uninterested...."uh-huh" **as my gaze scans in opposite direction** "really, that's interesting...uh-huh". After five minutes or less they get the clue. I guess I don't really look at it as being rude b/c, even though it kind of is, your saving them time and energy in the long run as well. Either way, I think that's just something we each have to learn on our own. I really do think that it's really awsome that you're confident enough to go to a bar by yourself. I'm still in the "safty in packs" stage myself . lol

Good luck!

- Kaiten

p.s. Just out of curiosity...still have the red hair???

This has nothing to do with anything, but you and my father share a birthday.

Which makes me think maybe I should reconsider continuing talking to you. ;-)

Kidding obviously.

And p.s. if you flirt unconsciously, no amount of worrying over it and trying to catch yourself is going to fix it. Trust me, I'm very skilled at flirting shamelessly and completely by accident. Try as I might, I can't help it, I'm just a flirt. And there's really not a whole lot wrong with that. And I think following your gut and trying to break it to someone gently that you're not exactly interested in them is your best way out. However, if that fails, I suggest whippin out those bitch claws and make your point absolutely clear.

:-D

 

Kevin, ummm, advice huh?

 

Don't do EVERYTHING you have been doing.

 

You know what I felt like when I read your blog? I felt like I was reading a chapter of DD with Rory. Where his brain is telling him not to do something, yet his body does it anyhow.

 

I mean, you recognize that in many situations you are leading people on. You really should try to think about what situation you are in and try to look at it from the other persons view.

 

And you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but if you aren't interested in someone, you can gently let them know, instead of giving them more hope.

 

Or maybe you should just accept that you're a big tease .

 

Anyhooooo, Take Care

PASS ON THE ADVICE! Seriously, I could have written what you did about how to turn down people you're uninterested in and saying no to people. I swear sometimes that the word 'no' does not exist in my vocabulary. I dance around its meaning but I just can't say it. Like last week I couldn't say it and now I'm working an extra shift at work on my spring break. I think trying to be nice and still turning people down is an important skill that has to be learned. I guess its one neither of us have yet to learn.

 

So good luck and be sure to pass on the wisdom!

Hey Zarcie,

That's exactly how I feel! Especially with work related stuff. I might try to hint that I don't want to do it, but if the person keeps pressing I can't seem to just say no. I know exactly what you mean about having to work extra shifts etc. It seems like I'm always covering people shifts/coming in on my day off. I don't really mind that much but sometimes I do wish I could just say "no, I don't really want to" and leave it at that.

I had a similar problem a few weeks ago. I got a new credit card and called to activate it, and the guy on the phone was trying to convince me to sign up for some special program. And I was like "well thanks, but I don't think I need that.", and he was like "well yes but with this plan you get ___ ___ and ___, all I need is your authorization and I'll sign you up", "well that sounds great but I don't think I'm going to use it.", "yes but again you get all these wonderful features at a low cost, so what do you say", " **sigh** umm ok" (it worked out though I just called back and cancelled it when the information package arrived a few days later)

Lol if I figure anything out I'll let you know! Good luck and have an awesome day

Kevin

Kevin,

 

You can be nice and not interested and be polite and say things such as "you are a really cool guy and I am flattered but (insert blank) and these are listed since you can't seem to say no and hurt someone's feelings.

 

1. I have decided to stay single and not date at this time since I am moving and don't want to create any attachments.

2. I don't think we would be compatible but I wish you the very best.

3. (if you have use the fake boyfriend)...i.e. I am dating someone and we are in a committed relationship..so I am flattered but thanks but no thanks.

4. I am just here with some friends and I am just here to chill but not really into getting to know anyone at this time....thanks any way.

5. Excuse me, I think you are a cool guy, just that I just broke up with my boyfriend and I am determined to take the time to heal and not date for a while so I can reconnect with myself.

 

as you develop more confidence to say "no"...you can just smile and say thanks for the chat but I am not interested in starting anything with anyone at this time....good luck to you...and then say, well, if you don't mind I have to go call some friends who were supposed to meet me here and find out what happened to them (or I have to look for my friends who seem to have scattered)

 

The art of saying no gracefully takes time....and it is better then saying "um, dude, I am just not into you so get lost"

 

It is also tough out there with all those metrosexuals (are they or aren't they one of us...so sometimes the flirtdar like Gaydar can be on the fritz....)

 

My point is that also it appears that women may think you are on the heterosexual team so be aware and shut down the flirt impulse..for each smile...give the friendly smile but not the flirt smile and comments like I will have to check out the exact location of all those piercings..um.....penalty and sideline you so the women don't get confused.....and that would be confusing to hear if you don't play on their str8 team.

 

Good Luck and it takes time....and when you want to go to hot spots maybe bring a friend so he can keep your flirtdar in tack and come to your rescue.....if need be....you can be each other's buddies to help each other....i.e. come to the other's rescue in case of "Danger, Will Robinson"....unwanted sexual flirting coming my way.....help me out here....

 

Michael

Hey Michael

Thanks! That's some really good advice. I guess I definitely could see myself using the first excuse, since it's true and all. Two sounds great, but I'm not sure I could be that blunt (even though it is polite). I'm always scared the person will get that hurt look you know. The others do sound really good, I'd just be worried if I stayed and started talking to someone I was interested in, the first person would see and be hurt.

You're definitely right, it would be easier with a friend. It's just that I'd worry that would create it's own complications. Like people might mistake my friend for a S.O. and not approach at all, or think I was being shady if I went up to them. Plus the biggest problem: once I move to Houston, at least initially I won't know anyone. I guess I'll make new friends though (well I certainly hope so). Actually ideally I'd like to figure out a way to befriend those "nice people I'm just not interested in dating". I mean how would I say to the guy, "I don't think we'd click as a couple, but I'd like to get to know you as a friend"? I mean I guess I could just say THAT, but wouldn't most people think I was feeding them some sort of line?

Anyway thanks for the tips .....I'm definitely going to give some of those a try, take care and have an awesome day!

Kevin

 

The art of saying no gracefully takes time....and it is better then saying "um, dude, I am just not into you so get lost"

 

 

I like this one, but I've been told I'm just a tad blunt. Michael's given some good tips and any should work for most situations. Saying 'no' is an important skill to learn, otherwise, you'll end up like my sister who had to go to therapy to learn how to say 'no' to our Mother.

 

Sharon

Hey Sharon!

LOL I'm lousy at being blunt. I seldom manage to pull it off, but on the bright side when I do people are usually so surprised it works quite well. I remember a few years ago I got into an argument with a friend of mine and told him exactly what I thought. He was stunned! Said something like, "I can't believe you're acting like this, you never act like this", and I said something like, "yeah, took a page from your book". **Sigh** but that was a very isolated incident, and I felt guilty afterwards.

By the way, I love your signature: "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere"

Take care and have an awesome day!

Kevin

OK, here are the three main methods I've used when someone I'm really not interested in won't take the more subtle hints (momentary lapses of attention as a truly hot guy walks by, for example).

 

1. I start talking to my imaginary friend. If that doesn't scare them off right away I pass my imaginary friend a drink and then look all surprised when the glass goes crashing to the floor.

 

2. I invite them to dance and then proceed to demonstrate an epileptic seizure on the dancefloor. Normally they get so embarrassed they back of really quick, but if that doesn't work I start screaming at them to get a little more lively with their own dancing.

 

3. I start pointing at random guys and telling him about how I've slept with them before, but was really disappointed because they were "really small" or "lousy lays". After pointing to the third or fourth guy and saying how disappointed I was because they "only had eight inches" they generally back off - and if they don't it the chances are they've got more than that and hell, any guy with that much meat in the locker is worth a ride at least once!!!

LOLOL Rob!!

Those sound like so much fun. I could especially see myself doing number two since I'm really not a very good dancer. LOL number 1 would be quite fun too, but I'd probably be afraid to do it if I were somewhere I might be returning too...hmmm might be fun for my last time out before I move though! LOL number 3 I'm just not sure I could pull off!

LOL thanks for the tips Have an awesome day and take care

Kevin

Hi Kevin!

 

That sucks you basically got chased out of the bar on Valentines day. But I suppose on the ego boosting side of it, you seem to have NO problems what-so-ever of picking up guys. lol sounds like girls too for that matter! hehehe and it sounds like you could have had an interesting conversation with the cute blonde if the other guy hadn't walked up!

 

I really like RHawes idea's. My personal favorite "brush off" is to act really uninterested...."uh-huh" **as my gaze scans in opposite direction** "really, that's interesting...uh-huh". After five minutes or less they get the clue. I guess I don't really look at it as being rude b/c, even though it kind of is, your saving them time and energy in the long run as well. Either way, I think that's just something we each have to learn on our own. I really do think that it's really awsome that you're confident enough to go to a bar by yourself. I'm still in the "safty in packs" stage myself . lol

 

Good luck!

 

- Kaiten

 

p.s. Just out of curiosity...still have the red hair???

Hey Kaiten!

Yep it really was a nice little ego boost. I think the main reason I did ok was because I'm fairly "approachable", and good at talking to new people.

I like your idea of acting uninterested and doing the "uh huh" thing. You're right in the long run it probably is best, the whole "you've got to be cruel to be kind" thing....I just think I'd crack and apologize and start being friendly. I guess I could do it in a way that isn't really rude, just standoffish though.

Thanks for the compliment about being confident enough to go on my own . I pride myself on my independent nature, and while as Michael pointed out it would often be useful to have someone else around, it does make it easier to talk to new people. LOL in some of my psyc/socio classes they pointed out how it's easier for people to approach a single person by themselves, than any one person in a group. Also I'm the kinda person that feels responsible for making sure everyone I'm with is having a good time. The last time I went out in a group one of the girls was having a rough night and I spent the whole time trying to cheer her up instead of actually mingling, dancing, etc. So as selfish as it might be, it's easier if I just have myself to worry about lol.

My hair faded out alot . It's kinda a redish brown now. On the bright side it's apparently convincingly natural looking now, and I've gotten several "so do you have a lot of redheads in your family" and a few "I hadn't realized how red your hair was!" from people I only barely know. My natural hair colour is something like the meeting point for light brown, blonde, and red and I've heard it described as each of those colours. I've always wanted to try black hair, but never have because several people have told me my eyes, eyebrows and skin are too light to pull it off.

Anyway have a really awesome day and take care!

Kevin

This has nothing to do with anything, but you and my father share a birthday.

 

Which makes me think maybe I should reconsider continuing talking to you. ;-)

 

Kidding obviously.

 

And p.s. if you flirt unconsciously, no amount of worrying over it and trying to catch yourself is going to fix it. Trust me, I'm very skilled at flirting shamelessly and completely by accident. Try as I might, I can't help it, I'm just a flirt. And there's really not a whole lot wrong with that. And I think following your gut and trying to break it to someone gently that you're not exactly interested in them is your best way out. However, if that fails, I suggest whippin out those bitch claws and make your point absolutely clear.

 

:-D

Hey Luigi

Aww sorry about that. In high school I had the same name as a friend's abusive dad . LOL glad you decided it was ok to keep talking to me

I think you're right, I probably shouldn't worry about it too much. I'm just always very careful not to flirt with anyone's S.O.. Fidelity is something I value very much and I'd never want to be accused of turning someone's head etc. That's why usually when a friend is seeing someone I try to go out of my way to include their bf/gf.

Anyway have a really teriffic day and take care

Kevin

By the way, I love your signature: "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere"

Glad you enjoyed that. I just put a new one up today.(Points below)

Sharon