Sometimes I be sitting here and I just think how surreal and strange life really is.  I never imagined I would be sitting in Mobile, AL, with a stranger's liver, trying to find purpose in my life.  I suppose it just goes to show that for all your careful planning and preparation, everything could be terribly doomed before you ever even start.  Hard pill to swallow.  I don't necessarily believe in fate, but I do think that sometimes coincidence is just too coincidental.  

This may be a psychological phenomenon materializing because I feel guilty for past choices, or useless, or sad, or any number of things.  I've been killing off people in my social circles left and right lately.  I basically keep to myself, which is probably not healthy at all.  I have panic attacks when I'm faced with people (and btw, before anyone says a damn word, just because you don't see it on my face does not mean I am not anxious, I am a pro at remaining calm, I could fool God himself questioning me about my deepest sins).  I don't even like going to the gas station or a grocery store, it makes me terribly nervous, like someone is going to hit me or reprimand me or chase me out.  

What the hell is with that?  I know I'm generally speaking a decent person, I'm not physically unattractive, but I feel LESS than others.  I could meet a stranger on the street and my natural action is to defer to them, when I know for a fact I'm usually the most capable and competent person in any given situation.  I'm not tooting my own horn here, I just know I'm... I can make shit happen.  

Which brings me to the weirdness.  The all enveloping, omnipresent weirdness.  I feel like I look at my life and people around me as if through a pane glass window.  I can see it, but it isn't there physically, it isn't there viscerally, I can't feel it, I can't touch it, I can't allow myself to be consumed by the moment.  As a result, I feel sort of abandoned.  I'm just an onlooker.  

I am a bird watcher of humans.  A human watcher.  I am emotionally and physically detached.  I can't feel it anymore.  I would kill for one moment of feeling alive again, I just want to breathe deep and smell something I've never smelled, I want to see things I've never seen, I want to look at a boy and fall in love with his face and see the kindness and hope and possibility in his eyes.  I want to see him and see something that I can live for.  

Does humanity have a safe word?  Like if we just get in too deep in this shit, can we just say "GRAPEFRUIT!" and then someone comes and gets us?  'Cause I been screaming grapefruit for the past year and no one has come.  

Okay, I have ranted enough.  I am sorry for my ramblings.  I wish you all the best, and I hope that your lives are great.  If there has been one thing that I've learned in the last year or two, it has been to allow people their own thoughts and feelings and to never hold it against them.  Take care, my lovelies.