So on Sunday I went to the bench dedication ceremony that my friend's Steve family threw for him. I was hoping there would be at least one college friend showing up, but it was just me. Steve's parents actually came from New Jersey but they decided to move to the University of Delaware area about six years ago. 

It was a really interesting experience- the bench is in a park that was built on the site of a dorm that was next to the dorm that I used to visit a lot because Steve was an RA there. Both of the dorms (Rodney and Dickinson) were these standard issue 60's dorms that managed to stay open all the way up to about 2015. Rodney became the park with the retention pond, while Dickinson became the site of new student apartments.

I managed to hold it together until I realized that the bench is basically in view of this railroad underpass that you had to go through in order to get to Rodney and Dickinson if you were coming from the rest of the campus. There was this sidewalk that paralleled the train tracks that would take you to Rodney, and then Dickinson. I cannot tell you the amount of times I walked under that underpass in order to hang out with Steve in that dorm. I kept looking at that underpass, and then I started tearing up as I kept getting flooded with the memories of a friendship that I thought was going to be lifelong but I only got to have 6 years of.

After the ceremony I wound up going to the parents house, where they were having a luncheon. The family was pretty welcoming and I stayed for about three hours. I wound up having a talk with Steve's dad and Steve's brother. Steve's brother looks so much like him that it was kind of hard to not be reminded of him. There was this bit where I told Steve's brother that I think it was an interesting coincidence that his parents moved to where Steve went to undergrad and he replied "It's not a coincidence" in a way that just reminded me so much of how Steve would talk. (The brother's voice was not quite the same, so it wasn't too freaky on me, but still.)

Steve's dad, his brother, and I basically sat on a bench in the backyard that they put Steve's name on and had a conversation about our mutual grief for Steve. I get the feeling that Steve's dad wanted to talk to Steve's college friends because that's a part of Steve's life that he wasn't there for. Steve's brother asked me if I would be interested in spreading a part of his ashes on their family property farm. I think I will take them up on that offer, but only if I can get Ian (our mutual friend) to be there. Ian unfortunately lives in the Midwest and wasn't able to come out for the bench ceremony. 

When I decided to leave, he wound up giving me one of Steve's pocketknifes. Steve collected them. I remembered that, and took one, and then I took off.

It was a good experience. It felt a bit like a redo of my experience in 2014, when I tried to attend Steve's memorial but a lot of crap went down so it didn't go the way I wanted it to. This redeemed it for me, honestly. I do wish I had actually known people there, but there were very welcoming regardless and I'm glad I did it.

Later that night, I wound up going to the Riverfront in Wilmington and silently watched the water, remembering my friend. I started crying and playing the song "Pursuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi, which was so who Steve was.

I've moved on, but that loss will always be with me. And that's okay.