My friend Claire called today. I've mentioned her in a few other entries. She's awesome; at various phases in my life she's definitely been my best friend. She also holds the distinction of being the only girl I was ever in love with. I'm often attracted to girls, sometimes even a tad enamored, but usually there's no real emotional/romantic connection. Except for her, I wasn't even particularly attracted to her, but I still considered spending my life with her. Anyway it's only fair I suppose, she was in love with me for awhile too. Never worked out for us though (obviously). The timing was always off. It was actually quite dramatic, one evening we went out to dinner and I was just about to tell her my feelings when she choose the same moment to tell me she was a lesbian and in love with a mutual friend of ours. C'est la vie.

Anyway when we went to college she attended one about 20 miles from our high school whereas I elected to move a couple of hundred miles away and attend a different, larger university. Anyway four and a half years later she's dropped out of two other schools three times and now she's decided to move to the city I just left and give it a go there (where she was supposed to go in the first place before she settled for the closer, smaller university). So she calls me today to ask me about various places she could find various things as well as directions to said places. I must confess for the briefest moment I thought "If you'd gotten your ducks in a row in the first place we'd have been there together". It probably would have been nice having her around more in college, but then I realized that train of thought was just plain messed up. I'm a firm believer in the butterfly effect and the loose, random chain of seemingly unrelated events that lead people through life. On the surface it seems like nothing would have been different except that I'd have had another close, trusted friend around, but in reality I have no doubt that everything would have been different. I probably would have choosen a different job and apartment or in the least stayed in them for a different amount of time. Countless events would have been altered and I'd have met (and not met) countless people. It's very unlikely I'd have ended up sitting here in Houston. And that's not even to say that I think she alone would have been able to significantly alter my life. I believe that'd be the case were to have spent more or less time with anyone in my past. Heck to be honest I kinda think my whole life might be different if I'd made or missed one extra, random traffic light when I was seventeen. HEHEHE, if I think about it long enough sometimes I come to the conclusion that MY whole life would be completely different if YOU (dear reader) had made or missed one extra traffic light six years ago.

Anyway I definitely wouldn't want my life to be any different. I wouldn't even want to take back any of the mistakes or bad things because when it comes down to it I don't believe any of the bad could be taken away without destroying a whole lotta good. Besides I'm REALLY digging my life right now. It's so amazing; I often feel like my whole life consists of going from one fun activity to the next one. Oh I have my bad days and bad moods the same as everyone else, but they're usually fairly fleeting and being a total experience whore I don't even mind so much sometimes. It's part of the human experience right? Anyway it just feels like it's getting better and better, and who knows perhaps if Claire had been around she'd have inadvertently set about a chain of events which would have ultimately led me into a life of pain and misery...or perhaps she'd have made things even more sublime *shrugs*

Anyway other topic: GOSH I love lesbians! I mean obviously I'm crazy about gay males, and I like straights of either gender, but I must say I really have a special place in my life for lezzies. I've known so many and been less than crazy about so few. I'm SO excited about my friend Megan's upcoming wedding! It's my first lesbian wedding! My first gay wedding actually. I love weddings. Up until now I've only been to the straight kind, but I have a feeling the gay ones will be just as, if not more, err fabulous

I think the thing I enjoy most about spending time with lesbians is the LACK of sexual tension. I mean sexual tension is fun, but sometimes it's nice for it not to exist at all. I mean with other gay guys there's obviously a huge potential for a sexual undercurrent. Usually that's really fun and keeps the conversation lively, and that's not to say that I haven't had some really important, serious, non-sexual conversations with my gay male friends, or even that I think the sexual thing usually interferes, but still... Then there's straight girls, I don't mind a little casual flirting there and even if I'm not actively doing it or receiving it there's still the occassional random moment where you stop and think "wait is she hitting on me?" or "did I just send the wrong message?" or "can I really say that?" And straight guys :wacko: . I know alot of really awesome straight guys who really do seem cool with the whole gay thing, but still I'm like constantly on guard to not violate that trust, or be perceived to violate that trust. And I'm always asking myself "how is he going to interpret this?". Plus I think some straight guys, especially the ones that are cool with it, occassionaly purposely send mixed messages. And I'm totally not blaming them for it since it's pretty much exactly what I just admitted doing with straight girls sometimes. I mean lets face it all that stuff can be fun, if not complicated, but it only happens if there's a reasonable potential for either a mutual or one-sided attraction. Personally I believe in the somewhat unpopular notion that everyone's at least slightly potentially bisexual (even if they'd never act on it or even consciously recognize and label it), but a gay guy and a lesbian is about as sexual-tension-less an environment as you can create. Anyway thus when I hang out with my lesbian friends I'm not worrying about how I look or the messages I'm sending etc. It's nice to not worry about those things.

And thus ends the ponderings of a hopeless "dyke dude".