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It's not you; it's me


AFriendlyFace

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So I've been thinking a lot about the qualities and characteristics I require in someone before I have a serious relationship with them and I've come to an unfortunate conclusion...I'm impossibly picky. :unsure: I mean basically my criteria are such that they have to be impossibly gorgeous, brilliant, witty, and morally virtuous. All without being vain, condescending, mean, or holier-than-thou. They also need to be suitably unconventional, easy going and all around non-stodgy, and WANT me without NEEDING me. Impossible right? Yeah, well it gets even more complicated when you add in all my issues which seem to create conflicting desires. :wacko:

 

I've been dating a lot lately. I suppose it's a result of many factors. I'm not dealing with school so I have more time and energy. My shopping addiction has reached epic proportions ( :P:boy: ) and I've therefore had more motivation to go out and thus utilize my ever expanding wardrobe. The "gay scene" is really quite large in Houston and I have a much wider array of real life gay and lesbian friends than previously. And perhaps most importantly I think I've just decided now's a good time.

 

The downside: I've been feeling kinda mean, kinda slutty, and kinda like a C*^&tease, depending on the circumstance of course. Logically I think that's unavoidable when you're "actively on the market", but it's still a bit troublesome where the actual people and emotions are concerned.

 

I don't normally like to discuss my actual personal life in my blog. However, I think I'll make an exception with this entry since I could definitely use the advice, input, and general opinions of those reading. I won't actually discuss my sex life though. I suppose these accounts might also help explain, at least in part, my reduced presence around here, lol.

 

I guess it all started with the English guy from my GLBT group. We flirted back and forth for weeks, finally went out one night. Had a lot of fun. Then we each apparently lost interest. No regrets there. He's cute, fun, and definitely what I wanted just then. Besides we're still friends and neither of us got hurt.

 

Next I met this guy online (not here). I had fun talking to him. He was delightfully unconventional and the picture he showed me was...beautiful. SO I figured why not meet somewhere neutral for a date. Here's where I feel mean and superficial. Let's just say that while I do believe the picture was genuine it had to have been 1) HEAVILY airbrushed and 2) not particularly recent. The unconventional I found so charming online also came out considerably less endearing in person. Unfortunately he was interested so I basically had to make up this BS about having major issues and not being in the right place etc...then I just pretty much cut contact with him...definitely feel bad about this one. He did end up getting hurt :( and while I don't actually regret my actions once we'd met (I just wasn't interested and I think I was as kind and gentle as possible), I DO regret getting into the situation at all. However, I do see it as a learning experience and I suppose since it did all turn out okay in the end it is a bit cool that I have an internet-dating gone bad story.

 

The next guy was perfect :wub: . He was exactly my physical ideal of beauty: cute, young, blonde, blue eyes, slender but well-built; however, he was also quite intelligent, really sweet, sensible, and charming. Sounds great right? Yeah, BUT he was also going to college in California. He was just visiting over the Christmas holidays. Certainly no regrets here though, just having gone out with someone who so perfectly matched my ideal of perfection is something I needed to get out of my system. It'll also probably be something that I'll always feel happy about when I think about it.

 

And then it all started getting complicated :blink: :wacko:

 

See I met this guy through my lesbian friends and we became friends and started hanging out. I had a really good time, he was fun and we enjoyed going to many of the same places and doing the same sorts of things. Then he started acting...weird. You ever just get this slight feeling that someone likes you? Well this wasn't like that! This was "suddenly I'm just going to start treating you like my boyfriend" :blink: . I can't figure out how he got this impression either. We never so much as kissed or held hands. I guess it was my fault for not setting him straight right away. Instead I just kinda kept hoping he'd snap out of it or something, and I tried to subtly let him know that I wasn't interested. I actually didn't end up handling this one. My absolutely amazing friends :wub: stepped in and gently set him straight. I do feel bad that I didn't take care of it myself, but I didn't ask them to do it; I guess they just got tired of me whining and worrying. Anyway I do feel bad about this one because 1) he definitely got hurt and 2) someone else ended up bailing me out.

 

Then a couple of weeks ago (exactly two today actually), I went out clubbing. While I was dancing I saw this cute guy dancing shirtless. We made eye-contact and proceeded to dance (rather dirty) (quite dirty :*) ) for the next hour and a half. While we were dancing I came to a conclusion that once again makes me feel like a mean, superficial so-and-so: gorgeous body, ho-hum face. To further complicate things this was actually during the incident mentioned in the previous paragraph. So I got the rather odd feeling like I was somehow cheating on the other guy even though we WEREN'T dating. I suppose it's because in his position I'd have wanted to know how the person I thought I had...something with felt before he started bumping and grinding on the dance floor with someone else. Anyway those two things added up to me not wanting anything more than a dance from. However, by the time we'd stopped the least I could do was exchange numbers with the guy.

 

He called an hour later and we had our first actual conversation (you can't really talk to someone over the loud music while you're dancing). Anyway on the one hand I thought it was kinda cute that he called an hour later, on the other hand the impression I got from the phone call was that we just weren't that compatible, even though we did talk for a good half hour. I think it's just that I like making conversation and talking to all sorts of people. Anyway we made one of those "We'll have to get together sometime" dates. At least I thought it was one of those. He called me back a week later while I was at work and left me a voicemail in which he sounded a bit angry and hurt, but also pleading, and encouraged me to call him. By then everything had been sorted out with the other guy so I figured even though I didn't think I was interested in him, I'd might as well at least go out with him and give it a chance.

 

So we went out Tuesday; I actually had a great time. We went to this piano bar, then played some pool, and got to meet all sorts of interesting new people. The thing is while I definitely had a lot of fun it just wasn't...like that. I mean I think I just had fun because I had fun. I'd have probably had fun with anyone. Unfortunately, he's definitely convinced the date was a complete success (which maybe it was??), and uh....well he just came on really strong. Like I said it was the first date, but he already mentioned living together! And again he called like an hour after it was over - which I'm sure I'd think was adorable and really sweet if I were interested. Anyway the way he was talking it just definitely seemed like he was making plans for me to be a major part of his life. But yeah I'm just not interested. For one thing he's obviously a drama queen, he more or less tried to get me to fight some guy who'd upset him (Yeah, me; like I'd ever pick a bar fight with someone over something minor), and that was just the most salient example of drama queenness; there were others. And anyway I just don't feel that "spark".

 

Anyway, I know I should probably just call him and gently let him down, and I suppose I will, but a couple of people have said he seems like the dangerous stalker type and I'm best off just cutting all contact and never calling him again or answering the phone if he calls (he doesn't know where I live). I don't really think that's the case, but it's easy to freak me out about stuff like that so now I'm all paranoid. :unsure:

 

Anyway tonight (Thursday), my GLBT group met and during the meeting I noticed this cute guy and this girl kinda sitting to side and hanging back, but seemingly listening. Everyone else either didn't notice, or didn't think they were here for the meeting, but I had a strong hunch they were and I didn't want them to feel excluded (plus the guy was cute :P ) so I figured it couldn't hurt to go and introduce myself afterwards. They were indeed there to see us, but too shy to throw themselves into the mix. So I introduced them to everyone else and invited them to hang out with us (we always have dinner and then go out or something afterwards). I think they had fun and Phil - that was his name - said he'd definitely come back to the next meeting.

 

Anyway I'd been kinda flirting with Phil off and on all evening (I was also catching up with a bunch of other people I hadn't seen for awhile, plus everyone wanted to talk to the new guy so we didn't really get to talk that much). Anyway I got the impression he might be interested too, but of course it's hard to tell since he may have just been friendly and stuff since I was the one that brought him over. So as he was leaving he asked if I had facebook. I don't really do the facebook/myspace stuff so I said "no", then I thought oh why not? so I added, "but you can have my number". So we exchanged numbers :2thumbs:

 

Anyway I definitely think I'll actually like this one if he likes me back...now all I have to do is figure out if he does. I'm planning to call him Saturday and see if he wants to get together. In the meantime I've got to decide what to do about club guy. I'm also planning to do some serious cleaning, and hopefully writing, tomorrow (well technically today, but I haven't slept yet so I'm saying tomorrow :P:boy: ).

 

So there you have it, more or less what I've been up to lately. I feel uncomfortably exposed with this entry, but any thoughts are welcomed. Have an awesome day everyone and take care :)

23 Comments


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Kevin, I like you, but for someone that someone that doesn't look that good, you coming off inredably shallow.

 

didn't mean it to be that harsh, but each guy's profile or I talk to, wants to hot ass guy, not just some normal guy, I know I could never be that, and that's partially why I don't want ever to date, cause it will only be for something not that Im looking for.

 

Hides back into my shell.

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ok i have to reply cause i thought drewbies reply was harsh and it must have been hard to put yourself out there like you have and admitt that yes people do go on attraction and what they find good looking to them, my definition of good looking probably differs greatly from yours and drewbies but for me i always need there to be an attaction be that to their personality or their looks there has to be an attraction so i don't think you sounded shallow admitting that.

 

I also don't think your being overly picky there is little point continuing something if you already know you cannot feel that way for them but maybe you need to be careful your not pushing them away before you give them a chance. I guess it also depends on what your looking for if your after fun and nothing serious then that is fine and you wont ever see or pick guys that could become more because it will be set in your mind that you don't want more from them but if you are after a relationship then maybe you need to take time getting to know this phil and don't rush into dating him or defining what you are to eachother, that will let you get to know eachother before so you will have a good idea if he is someone you want to date and if not you have a good friend. Obviously that all depends on how he feels and if you make it clear to him what you want.

 

Anyway Kevin i am rambling lol but the way i see it your doing the best you can, yes maybe you need to be more direct with the guys to save them getting hurt but that is not always easy, but like i said i think you need to decide what you want from teh guys you date because its ok to just want to date and not settle down but if that is what youw ant then you should expect to lose interest in guys you date quickly because you probably block yourself from feeling anything more or getting to know them better and ignoring the little things that annoy us about people you will only be able to ignore those things if you really want more from a guy your dating.

 

lol still rambling so will just shut up and wish you the best

 

Mark

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You know what I think... I think that that's what dating is supposed to be. You meet people, you spend a little time together, and find out if you like each other. If you do and you want to spend more time together, then great, and if not, then you move on to someone else until you find the one you do want to spend all your time with. The one thing I always love to point out is... you don't always meet people in the typical places you would think, like a bar or a club... sometimes you meet them in the book store in the cookbook section, or in the music store when you both reach for the last copy of the new My Chemical Romance CD, or on the spaghetti aisle in the grocery store. A lot of times, they are a friend of a friend... thing is, you have the idea down perfectly... you talk if you like them and you want to talk more and get to know them more you maybe exchange numbers and go out, and if you STILL like him... then you go out some more... and thus a relationship is born.

 

I think... you have a right to be particularly picky, you SHOULD be picky, when this is your potential mate you are looking for, so BE PICKY! I would HATE to think that you settled for someone you didn't really like just because you were tired of being without one, or because you were too 'nice' to set him straight, or because someone called you picky.

 

You're a beautiful person, and you have a great heart Foxy :wub: and don't ever let anyone tell you different. I'd be disappointed if you settled down with someone who wasn't the one that made you happy and to be honest, you have to find someone attractive for that to work, and it just so happens that what you find attractive is ATTRACTIVE ;)

 

Good luck with Phil! :D Love ya!

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Without mentioning what he said, I'm going to 100% disagree with Drew.

 

Kevin, you deserve to be with whoever you want, and you have a right to be picky. If someone doesn't fit what you're looking for, keep looking. In the meanwhile have a good time and don't worry about how you seem.....it's a date, and you're allowed to hit it and quit it, even if you aren't really hitting it :)

 

Anyway, I think youre totally hot and a great person, so you should definitely be as picky as you want to. Trust me, if you moved to VA, you'd be one of the Hottest!!! guys in the state :)

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Kevin, you sound sensible, polite, and pragmatic to me.

 

If the "spark" isn't there, It ISN'T there, and pretending it is would only hurt you and whomever you were with.

 

I think you come across as kind and considerate, otherwise you wouldn't be worried at all about this stuff.

 

Well, ok, there was ONE very weird and strange thing in your post:

My shopping addiction has reached epic proportions

 

Dude, is it really good to spend that much time at Walmart?

<running and hiding before Kevin sees this...>

 

CJ (Who is allergic to shopping)

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Hello Kevvers!

 

 

So you have criteria too, huh? Me too, don't it suck that not everybody's at your standards? :P

 

I think it's great that you're out and about dating. I also like that you felt like cluing us all in, because I'm such a whore for hearing about other people's lives. :D

 

Gotta say though, be careful with the creepy ones and don't let being nice get in the way of your well-being. Tell freaky face I've got some redneck cousins that'll take care of him... Just don't let nothing bad happen to yas, k?

 

Ooo, Phil? You must update and let us know what happens, for I have become curious! :D Good luck with it, I'm wishing you the best and rooting for you all the way. ~hugs you till your eyes pop out~

 

Be nice to us ugly people, though, we can't help it. :(

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Hello Kevvers!

 

 

So you have criteria too, huh? Me too, don't it suck that not everybody's at your standards? :P

 

I think it's great that you're out and about dating. I also like that you felt like cluing us all in, because I'm such a whore for hearing about other people's lives. :D

 

Gotta say though, be careful with the creepy ones and don't let being nice get in the way of your well-being. Tell freaky face I've got some redneck cousins that'll take care of him... Just don't let nothing bad happen to yas, k?

 

Ooo, Phil? You must update and let us know what happens, for I have become curious! :D Good luck with it, I'm wishing you the best and rooting for you all the way. ~hugs you till your eyes pop out~

 

Be nice to us ugly people, though, we can't help it. :(

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Hi Drew,

 

Kevin, I like you, but for someone that someone that doesn't look that good, you coming off inredably shallow.

Thank you for your candid response. It's always good to recieve feedback on how you're coming off. I hate to think of myself as a shallow person, but since looks undeniably do play a role in my dating choices (as does intelligence, character, and sense of humour, etc.) I suppose I am shallow to some degree. I think everyone has physical preferences however, and I think most people do look for those characteristics in a potential mate.

didn't mean it to be that harsh, but each guy's profile or I talk to, wants to hot ass guy, not just some normal guy, I know I could never be that, and that's partially why I don't want ever to date, cause it will only be for something not that Im looking for.

Certainly it's none of my business whether you want to date or not and you did say that was only partially the reason. However, I do feel compelled to tell you that regardless of what you think of your own looks everyone is someone's type. So I'd hate to think you're letting something like that discourage you.

 

Anyway thank you for your thoughts,

have a great day,

Kevin

 

I've got to run, but I appreciate everyone's comments and am looking forward to responding when I get home :D

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  • Site Moderator

Hey Kevin. We all have our set standards as to what we want and look for in someone. Unfortunately, there are those out there looking for one thing and one thing only.

 

Phil may have liked what he saw in YOU and may want to get to know you for who you are. Chances are that even if nothing comes of it, you've made a friend.

 

The main thing is to be who you are.

 

Jan

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Hey Mark! :D

 

ok i have to reply cause i thought drewbies reply was harsh and it must have been hard to put yourself out there like you have and admitt that yes people do go on attraction and what they find good looking to them, my definition of good looking probably differs greatly from yours and drewbies but for me i always need there to be an attaction be that to their personality or their looks there has to be an attraction so i don't think you sounded shallow admitting that.

Thank you so much for your reply; it really cheered me up when I read it :D . It was a bit uncomfortable for me to put it all out there, but I'm glad I did because I've really been given a lot to think about, and gained quite a bit of perspective from everyone's response.

 

You're totally right about everyone having a different opinion about what's good-looking. Actually my ideal "super-hot guy" while not terribly unusual is also definitely not the "classic" ideal of male attractiveness. For example I actually find guys with big muscles to be a turn off. Football players (except for the scrawny ones :P ) don't do anything for me; swimmers and runners are HOTTTT though!

I also don't think your being overly picky there is little point continuing something if you already know you cannot feel that way for them but maybe you need to be careful your not pushing them away before you give them a chance. I guess it also depends on what your looking for if your after fun and nothing serious then that is fine and you wont ever see or pick guys that could become more because it will be set in your mind that you don't want more from them but if you are after a relationship then maybe you need to take time getting to know this phil and don't rush into dating him or defining what you are to eachother, that will let you get to know eachother before so you will have a good idea if he is someone you want to date and if not you have a good friend. Obviously that all depends on how he feels and if you make it clear to him what you want.

WOW! That is excellent advice! I had kinda lost sight of that actually. I suppose the problem is that I'm a bit conflicted about what exactly I want. I mean I know I want "the one", but on the other hand fun is...fun. I guess I want fun until I meet the one.

Anyway Kevin i am rambling lol but the way i see it your doing the best you can, yes maybe you need to be more direct with the guys to save them getting hurt but that is not always easy, but like i said i think you need to decide what you want from teh guys you date because its ok to just want to date and not settle down but if that is what youw ant then you should expect to lose interest in guys you date quickly because you probably block yourself from feeling anything more or getting to know them better and ignoring the little things that annoy us about people you will only be able to ignore those things if you really want more from a guy your dating.

 

lol still rambling so will just shut up and wish you the best

Not rambling at all, Mark. I thought that was very insightful! Thanks :D

 

Have an awesome day and take care!! :hug:

 

Kevin

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Hey Viv!!! :D

 

You know what I think... I think that that's what dating is supposed to be. You meet people, you spend a little time together, and find out if you like each other. If you do and you want to spend more time together, then great, and if not, then you move on to someone else until you find the one you do want to spend all your time with. The one thing I always love to point out is... you don't always meet people in the typical places you would think, like a bar or a club... sometimes you meet them in the book store in the cookbook section, or in the music store when you both reach for the last copy of the new My Chemical Romance CD, or on the spaghetti aisle in the grocery store. A lot of times, they are a friend of a friend... thing is, you have the idea down perfectly... you talk if you like them and you want to talk more and get to know them more you maybe exchange numbers and go out, and if you STILL like him... then you go out some more... and thus a relationship is born.

Thanks :) , That's kinda how I look at it too!

I think... you have a right to be particularly picky, you SHOULD be picky, when this is your potential mate you are looking for, so BE PICKY! I would HATE to think that you settled for someone you didn't really like just because you were tired of being without one, or because you were too 'nice' to set him straight, or because someone called you picky.

I hate to think I'll end up doing that too, but I often worry I will. :unsure:

You're a beautiful person, and you have a great heart Foxy :wub: and don't ever let anyone tell you different. I'd be disappointed if you settled down with someone who wasn't the one that made you happy and to be honest, you have to find someone attractive for that to work, and it just so happens that what you find attractive is ATTRACTIVE ;)

 

Good luck with Phil! :D Love ya!

:wub:

Awww thanks, Viv!! :hug::D

 

Have a fantastic day and take care!

Kevin

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Hey Nick! :D

 

Without mentioning what he said, I'm going to 100% disagree with Drew.

 

Kevin, you deserve to be with whoever you want, and you have a right to be picky. If someone doesn't fit what you're looking for, keep looking. In the meanwhile have a good time and don't worry about how you seem.....it's a date, and you're allowed to hit it and quit it, even if you aren't really hitting it :)

 

Anyway, I think youre totally hot and a great person, so you should definitely be as picky as you want to. Trust me, if you moved to VA, you'd be one of the Hottest!!! guys in the state :)

awwww :*) Thanks!!

 

:hug: I think you're pretty great too! :D

 

Have an awesome day!

 

Kevin

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Hey CJ! :D

 

Kevin, you sound sensible, polite, and pragmatic to me.

 

If the "spark" isn't there, It ISN'T there, and pretending it is would only hurt you and whomever you were with.

 

I think you come across as kind and considerate, otherwise you wouldn't be worried at all about this stuff.

Thanks :)

 

Well, ok, there was ONE very weird and strange thing in your post:

Dude, is it really good to spend that much time at Walmart?

<running and hiding before Kevin sees this...>

 

CJ (Who is allergic to shopping)

hahaha!

 

Actually I find that I have a lot of fun and spend a long time regardless of where I'm shopping or what I'm shopping for. I just tend to enjoy it :boy:

 

HMMMM, so who picks out your sunglasses if you hate shopping so much? :P

 

hehe take care and have a great day!!! :D

Kevin

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Hey Jamie!! :D

 

Hello Kevvers!

So you have criteria too, huh? Me too, don't it suck that not everybody's at your standards? :P

LOL, it does! If only everyone were exactly what I'm looking for!

 

I think it's great that you're out and about dating. I also like that you felt like cluing us all in, because I'm such a whore for hearing about other people's lives. :D

haha, I'm glad ya enjoyed the gossip! :boy:

 

Gotta say though, be careful with the creepy ones and don't let being nice get in the way of your well-being. Tell freaky face I've got some redneck cousins that'll take care of him... Just don't let nothing bad happen to yas, k?

awww :wub: thanks :) I'll be careful!

 

Ooo, Phil? You must update and let us know what happens, for I have become curious! :D Good luck with it, I'm wishing you the best and rooting for you all the way. ~hugs you till your eyes pop out~

Thanks! I should be seeing him tomorrow, so I'll letcha know what happens.

 

Be nice to us ugly people, though, we can't help it. :(

GRRRRR! Don't say that! You're terrific! And I'm sure you're totally adorable!

 

:hug: Have an awesome day and take care!

Kevin

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Hey Jan! :D

 

Hey Kevin. We all have our set standards as to what we want and look for in someone. Unfortunately, there are those out there looking for one thing and one thing only.

 

Phil may have liked what he saw in YOU and may want to get to know you for who you are. Chances are that even if nothing comes of it, you've made a friend.

 

The main thing is to be who you are.

 

Jan

Thanks for the advice! Actually I am taking it a bit slower with Phil. We hung out - in a group setting - tonight. I suppose ideally it would really be best to do the same thing again next week (when we'll all meet up) and then see how things are then...I know that's the wisest way to proceed, yet at the same time I'm tempted to call him in the next few days and see if he wants to get together. **shrug** I guess we'll see lol

 

Anyway thanks and have an awesome day! :D

Kevin

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