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Toymaker, part 2


TheZot

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[Hrm. Looks like my tendency to mushy background stuff is getting in the way. 1700 words and nothing's exploded! Have to fix that in the next piece...]

 

William finished dressing himself a few minutes later. Gone was the barbarian prince, and in his place was an ordinary, unremarkable merchant. He was wearing a tunic and brown overshirt, belted at the waist, and a pair of dark green leggings. He'd exchanged his doeskin boots for a pair made of sturdy leather. He tugged at the collar of the shirt. It fit well enough, but he'd grown accustomed to wearing less, and it made him uncomfortable.

 

"Eyes," Ben said, looking at William. "And the hair." He'd changed himself. The simple tunic and hose were nothing special, but they emphasized Ben's size, his broad shoulders and narrow waist. He'd kept his boots and slung his sword over his shoulder. He still wore his bracelets, though the charms around his neck were gone, into the pouches tied to his belt.

 

"Do I have to?" William asked, tugging at his hair. It had taken him a few weeks to get used to it, and the constant weight pulling at his head, but he'd found he rather liked it. More importantly, so did Ben. Getting rid of it was problematic as well.

 

"It's distinctive," Ben observed.

 

"It's going to itch when it grows back out," he grumbled. The hair had come as part of the curse that had changed him and bound him to Ben those months ago, made him taller and fitter, leaving his hair long and white, his eyes pale lavender, and his skin clear and tan. The curse was still on him and he stayed that way, unless he fought it, and even then he could only hold it off temporarily.

 

Normally he had no complaint, but it made changing his appearance troublesome. He'd tried cutting his hair a few weeks after he and Ben had met. It grew back, two and a half feet in ten minutes. It itched badly, left him ravenously hungry, and feeling like he had bugs on his head for days. It wasn't something he was looking forward to.

 

Ben was right, though. Sighing, he let his eyes unfocus and his Sight slip in. The colored threads of mana that wove into spells had always been difficult for him to See, but now they almost sprang into focus unbidden. He wasn't sure why, a side effect of the curse, a gift from being bound to Ben, or a result of him finally accepting himself, but it didn't matter.

 

He closed his eyes and wrapped his mind around the tendrils of the curse that wound through him. It was far past his ability to remove, if he'd ever want to, but he was talented enough to suppress it for a little while. Holding it in check, he nodded to Ben, who pulled out his sword and cut his hair short. William felt the curse react and pushed back. As his hair and eyes darkened to shades of brown, he spelled a knot around the curse, locking it in place. The spell was only temporary, but it would do for a while.

 

"Something for you?" William asked as he opened his eyes.

 

Ben shrugged. "I'm nondescript."

 

Laughing, William mounted his horse.

 

"You just hate being noticed," he said.

 

"By anyone but you," Ben answered.

 

That was true. William was the first person he'd been around in years, since his accident, that he was comfortable with. Ben had been a wizard himself, until the accident destroyed his Sight and left him unable to do magic. Even worse, Ben had been born seeing auras, being able to tell from a glance how people were feeling, but the accident had robbed him of that as well, even as it disintegrated his apartment building and killed Mel.

 

It was just a single flash, one experiment gone horribly wrong. It stole the talent that gave his life meaning and the person who'd made it worth living, and thrust him into a world filled with people he could no longer feel. Despondent and terrified, he'd run, and kept running, until he ended up deep in the wilderness. That's where he'd stayed, until William had found him, and made things right again.

 

He still hated being around people. William understood, and ran interference when Ben's gruff barbarian seeming didn't put someone off.

 

"Well, my good man," William said, letting a nasal whine into his voice as he slipped into character, "shall we see what this fair hamlet has to offer?"

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I'm making my way through Busted again, not easy as my palm pilot has such a limited battery, and I kept forgetting to grab its charger when I left my apartment the last couple of times.

 

You were right, a lot of the details big make themselves more obvious when I read through it with all at once. As I said, I'm still picking through it critically, but two things do leap to mind. One: while I know you don't want to give the game away too early, Chris hardly reacts when Joe first says, "Alex," except that he replies "hard." I think there should be something there. Have him reach for his gun, pale visibly, look as if he's been slapped. Something.

 

Also, while there IS a description of Chris included (once I knew to look for it), there isn't one for Joe. I know from your blog that he has red hair, green eyes, and if he looked any more stereotypically Irish he'd be a leprechaun, but the only clue the reader has for just about the entire first half is that his brother has red hair. That's about it. I suppose "Hennessey" should be a clue, but hell, I missed it. So, you might want to do something about that. The scene where Scott is watching the videotaped interview between Chris and Joe would probably be a good place to shove a smattering of description. I know it goes against the grain for you, but since it is somewhat important to the plot how Joe looks, you may want to bend your principles and add a little description.

 

Hopefully I'll have more next week. I've already packed my charger, so I should make it through all of it by the time my new apartment is livable and my internet is installed.

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Points noted -- I agree with 'em all. (And I'd missed Chris' initial reaction. You're definitely right, it needs noting)

 

I'm digging into the second draft now, so your timing's excellent. :)

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