‘Have you considered my servant, Job?’

Thus starts one of the most diabolical stories I was told as a child. 

This story can be found in Job, Chapter One, and goes painfully on for 41 more chapters. We are only going to focus on the first two or three and the final chapter, as the middle part is multiple people trying to get Job to curse god. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Job 1:1, In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God and shunned evil. 

Just another place in the bible where god gets off on Hebrews fearing him. Of course they fear you, you fucking psychopath. You’re worse than a woman scorned. You’re petty, vindictive, and have a habit of punishing other innocent people because this person over here offends you.

2: He had seven sons and three daughters,

3: and he owned seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen and five hundred donkeys, and had a large number of servants. He was the greatest man among all the people of the East.

Ten kids, a bunch of animals, and a large number of servants. I’m sure I’ll tackle slavery at some point in this series, but for now, we’ll use servant instead of slave, though it's not that cut and dry. 

I will point out that even though his large number of servants were no doubt a mix of slaves, indentured slaves, and laborers, the bible does say he was a just and kind master who believed that all men were there because of the creator. So not a complete bastard. 

4: His sons used to hold feasts in their homes on their birthdays, and they would invite their three sisters to eat and drink with them. 

From this verse we can assume his children were grown, at least his sons, since they had homes. Which means they also have wives, maybe kids, and a large number of servants.

Hell, if they are anything like their horny father, they were popping out babies left and right. 

5: When a period of feasting had run its course, Job would make arrangements for them to be purified. Early in the morning he would sacrifice a burnt offering for each of them, thinking, ‘Perhaps my children have sinned and cursed God in their hearts.’ This was Job’s regular custom. 

That’s how scared he was. Maybe my kids cursed god in their hearts. And we all know how to satiate god’s lust for death, is to burn an animal. Something has to die, or god starts to get that itch. What a bloodthirsty savage! 

This is a god that loves to see blood flow and the stench of burning flesh. Your son had an unclean thought about his peen, you need to kill a bull stat.

So Job kills animals on the off chance one of his kids might have done something unpleasing to his vengeful sadist god. No wonder god thought he was the greatest man of all the East. 

6: One day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them. 

The Satan used here was not a person, but more of a title. It means the Accuser or Adversary. This was nothing like the modern take on the little red man with hooves and horns. This person was actually a part of the heavenly host. His job was to travel the earth and make sure humanity was not lacking in integrity. Or some type shit. 

Why would god need a Satan if he was all powerful, all knowing? That’s right, plot. 

7: The LORD said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the LORD, ‘From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.’

8: Then the LORD said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.’

Have you seen my main man Job? He kills many animals to sacrifice to me. He is perfect and shits his pants at the thought of pissing me the fuck off. 

9: ‘Does Job fear God for nothing?’ Satan replied

10: ‘Have you not put a hedge around him and his household and everything he has? You have blessed the work of his hands, so that his flocks and herds are spread throughout the land.

11: But now stretch out your hand and strike everything he has, and he will surely curse you to your face.’

Satan was like, of course he “fears” you. You protect him because he kills so many animals. Everything Job touches turns to blood…err gold. But if you take it all away, Job will stop fearing you.

Which in angel speak means, no more blood sacrifices. You’ll have to get your fix somewhere else. 

12: The LORD said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, everything he has is in your power, but on the man himself do not lay a finger.’ Then Satan went out from the presence of the LORD.

Job was successful because god had protected him. So to prove to Satan, who at the time Job wasn’t even on the heavenly bodies' radar, wrong. He says, Job is yours, fuck with him until your heart is content. But you can’t kill him.

This is a man who is doing everything right. Considered to be the best man in the entire East. Out of boredom, or out to just swing his dick about, god says, go on, do your worst.

Are you understanding this so far? A man doing everything he was taught on how to please and fear god, was just thrown to the wolves for no other reason except it was Monday and god was still a bit hungover from the weekend.

13: One day when Job’s sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, 

14: a messenger came to Job and said, ‘The oxen were plowing, and the donkeys were grazing nearby, 

15: and the Sabeans attacked and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who escaped to tell you.’

So the five hundred oxen and donkeys were stolen. Usually god just slaughters the animals, so at least they survived. But all the servants didn’t. I don’t know how many servants it takes to oversee 1,000 head of livestock, but I’m sure it’s more than a few. 

After googling some info, for five hundred yoked oxen to be plowing, you’d need anywhere between 125 and 250 people depending on the type of work. For five hundred donkeys to be grazing, maybe twenty to oversee them. 

Let’s go on the low side, 150 servants were killed. That’s 150 people not going back to their wives and children. That’s 150 wives, if Job is any judge, with 10 kids per, which gives us 1500 people affected because god is a dick.

Maybe not all the men had kids. 700? What number is low enough to be able to say god is not an immoral monster? As it is, 150 servants were just wiped out because…

But god is just getting started in this current form of blood sacrifice. 

16: While he was speaking, another messenger came and said, ‘The fire of god fell from the heavens and burned up the sheep and the servants, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you.’

There are the dead animals. I knew that fucking psycho would get around to killing animals. But in this one, he got a twofer. Because when he sent fire down from the heavens, not only did they all die, but they got burned, which snt that heavenly smell of burning flesh heavenward. 

Not to mention all the servants who also died. Innocent servants who had done nothing wrong. But god didn’t care about them; he was out to prove that Job was the best and brightest. Who fucking cares about some slaves?

I have this image of god beating it like a twelve-year-old as all that stench from the burning flesh wafted up to heaven. I wonder if he has a cum sock under his robes or if he just shoots it all over the face of the earth.

So seven thousand animals were wiped off the face of the earth. Google says max 30 shepherds. 

That brings the death toll to 180 humans dead because god wants to prove how awesome his servant Job is.

But as things with this moral, just god, we are just getting started. 

17: While he was still speaking, another messenger came and said, ‘The Chaldeans formed three raiding parties and swept down on your camels and made off with them. They put the servants to the sword, and I am the only one who escaped to tell you.’

Three thousand camels, let's keep adding up the death and destruction, shall we?

Google says 30 to 100 herdsmen. Let’s go half, and say 70. We’re up to 250 servants/slaves dead. 

18: While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, ‘Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house

19: When suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them, and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!’

I don’t know if all seven brothers were married, or if the sisters were old enough to have husbands. Nor does the text say if there were grandkids involved or how many servants it took to run the house, but I think it’s safe to add at least fifty more people to our list of dead. 

To prove that Job was a good man, god allowed 300 innocent people to die. And there is nothing funny about that. 

20: At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship

21: and said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.’

22: In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

This is the entire chapter of Job One. At the start, he had everything; at the end, he had nothing. And yet he still feared the wrath of god. 

This is next-level devotion, and god should have stepped in to stop it. But as we are all finding out, god is a dick and the opposite of just or moral.

Job 2:1 begins On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him.

So from the text, we can assume that in a single day, Job was destroyed financially, he lost his family and all his animals. 

But now, on a different day. The heavenly host finds god, doing whatever it does to fill his time—no doubt constructing ways to destroy more animals. Remember back in Egypt, he killed all the animals in the land a few times. 

God must have been bored, smoking a blunt, flipping through the channels of all the burning animals. Because he brings up Job again.

Like the poor man hadn’t enough calamity fall upon his household. God’s like, just in case you forgotten, how about that Job guy…wink wink nudge nudge.  

2: And the LORD said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’ Satan answered the LORD, ‘From roaming throughout the earth, going back and forth on it.’ 

So I was taught to believe that god was all knowing. Why is he always asking people where they are coming from? Aren’t you supposed to know everything? 

3: Then the LORD said to Satan, ‘Have you considered my servant Job? There is no one on earth like him; he is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you incited me against him to ruin him without any reason.’ 

Go back and read the first chapter. Satan didn’t do shit. He was minding his own business, going to and fro. God was the one who said, have you considered my servant job like a proud owner of a new puppy.

When did Satan incite him to do anything? God didn’t have a good reason to ruin Job’s life, or the 300 innocent people who died. No good reason except I was bored. Or like an egomaniac who has to prove that he is bestest in the world. Fucking evil mass murderer. 

4: ‘Skin for skin,’ Satan replied. ‘A man will give all he has for his own life. 

5: But now stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.’

You already took everything. This is the moment god should have said, I already proved you wrong. But he didn’t. Matter of fact, he kind of rubbed it in Satan’s face. Remember when you said he would curse me if I removed my protection. He didn’t. You are wrong. 

Remember, at this point in the story, there is no mention of god doing anything to help his poor servant Job. 

I remember being in Sunday School, the person talking about how we need to be like Job. When bad things happen, we need to bow down and worship god. And as a child, I was like, yeah, we need to live in fear of god and no matter what, we should thank him for all the good and all the bad that happens. Because that fucker has a plan. 

God never has a plan in the bible that works out. He made humans, and regretted it. Let’s forget that he is all knowing, all powerful, and in all places simultaneously. And since he knows all, he knew before he made man that they would cause him to regret making them. 

He could have made a world where Adam and Eve never ate from the tree. He could have made a world where he didn’t put the fucking tree in the garden in the first place. But he did it anyway. He’s a fucking joke of an all powerful god. 

That means when he murdered everyone on earth with a flood, he knew that before he fucking made them. So they were created to be a disappointment and die. Some great planner you are there.

Who knows how many millions of people were on the earth when the flood wiped them out, but his genocidal nature has slaughtered tens of millions. Good god you worship christians. 

6: The LORD said to Satan, ‘Very well, then, he is in your hands; but you must spare his life.’

I know he’s a good man, who has proven his point, but since you want to talk shit, go ahead, do your worst; you just can’t kill him. 

He knows the fucking future. He knows that Job isn’t going to give in. Yet he’s allowing this faithful servant to be subjected to torture to prove a point to Satan, not to Job. That’s next level sadism. This is nothing but to prove to all of heaven that he’s always right. No matter who gets hurt or killed in the process. 

The apologetics for this story is that since god created us, he can do what he wants. And anything god does is already moral, so…fuck you, Job, I have to win a bet with Satan.

7: So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD and afflicted Job with painful sores from the soles of his feet to the crown of his head

8:Then Job took a piece of broken pottery and scraped himself with it as he sat among the ashes.

9: His wife said to him, ‘Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!’

10: He replied, ‘You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble? In all this, Job did not sin in what he said

Who knows what kind of sores, but Job is going through some stuff. And like a pious man, he is saying, god gives us good and the bad. 

And in Isaiah 45:7 ‘I form the light and I create darkness: I make peace and I create evil: I the LORD do all these things.’

I’ve already spoken of this. And he plainly says it. In this “perfect” world god created, he created systems and natural disasters knowing innocent people were going to suffer. And he’s perfectly fine in doing so, because he really wants people to serve him for some reason. 

And don’t forget he loves us so much he gave up an entire weekend for our sins. Though that depends on which version of the gospels you use as reference. Some say it's three days, but if he was crucified Friday night and rose early Sunday, more like 36 hours. 

And it wasn’t really a sacrifice. He rose from the dead, so what did he really sacrifice? A bit of time being dead. Live with my asshole parents for 15 years and come talk to me about sacrifice. 

So we are barely two chapters into this story. The rest of the 40 or so chapters are Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite, trying to convince Job to curse god. 

Which is weird for a friend to do. Because if you curse god, then you will die. So his friends are what, trying to convince him to die so they can divy up his land after his death. Bang his wife? I’m not sure what their endgame is in all of this, but it goes on for chapters and chapters. 

Then the wife is constantly berating him for continuing his faith in god. While his friends switch to a new tactic and accuse the man of having a secret sin which brought about god’s punishment. 

And all through the next 40 chapters, Job never wavers. 

God finally speaks to Job through a storm, and asks why Job is questioning god’s plan. Berating the poor man because he dared raise his hand and ask, why me? There is no explanation, no comfort given, just a bunch of would you ask the wind why it blows the tree over. 

So in Job 42:7 After the LORD had said these things to Job, he said to Eliphaz the Temanite, ‘I am angry with you and your two friends, because you have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has. 

8: So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken the truth about me, as my servant Job has.’

Eliphaz, I am pissed at you, and you will be punished. 

Oh snap, are you going to kill my family, take my goods, burn my sheep?

Nope, you have to take seven bulls and seven rams and kill them for my offering. 

That’s it. 

Yep.

So we lied about you, and you make us give you an offering. Your servant, Job, did everything right, and you took everything from him, but we have to kill an animal, and we’re good. 

Pretty much.

Remember, at this point in the story, Job has nothing. He may or may not still have a wife, as the last time she was mentioned was back in chapter two. Did Satan take her too? Who knows? The bible doesn’t say because women aren’t worth talking about.

If they aren’t being sold as wives, kidnapped and raped as war brides, or tempting some poor righteous person with sexual thoughts, they are glossed over and forgotten about. Almost every woman in the old testament is portrayed in that manner. A temptress, a harlot, a temple slut banging animals.

So Job prayed for his friends, the lord forgave them. And finally, after all that was said and done, the lord restored Job’s fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 

11: All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.

So god didn’t really give Job anything. His friends and family gave him silver and gold. Which he then used to restore his fortunes like he did the first time. But the next verses kill me. 

12: The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys.

13: And he also had seven sons and three daughters.

Some dirt farmer sheep herder, when telling this story, is like fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, twice as many as before. Seven sons and three daughters, just like before. 

So here is where we aren’t sure if poor Job’s wife had to pop out ten more kids or if Job got a new wife. More than likely, the kids came from all the “servants” Job banged.

No apology, no little aside to explain why god suddenly shit on Job. Just, here’s some more stuff.

Like, why are you sad? I gave you twice as many goods as before. 

I kind of miss my original kids that you murdered for no reason. 

But I gave you ten more. 

That doesn’t mean I forgot about the original ones, you fucking monster.

And since everything got replaced, he got another 300 “servants”, so more people enslaved. 

This is a horrific story that was told to me about accepting god’s plan. That god is constantly sending things to test our faith. What a fuck piece of shit? 

Job, yeah, he’s my faithful servant. 

Can I fuck with him?

Sure. 

Really, but he’s your faithful servant.

Yep, and I know the future, so I know it will be pointlessss.

Then why are you allowing this to happen?

Dunno.

You don’t know. 

Okay, it's to bring him closer to me. When I take everything he has away from him, I will be the only thing left. And if he still is faithful, then I’ll be exalted above all others.

So it's all for your fragile ego. 

Pretty much.

I’m sorry. This is not a story about a moral god. This is nothing but ego stroking a baby who is jealous and hates anyone who doesn’t worship him.

I will continue to search for any time, find anywhere where this christian god is a moral, righteous god.

When next we see each other, I will talk about King David and the time god punished him by having someone else rape ten of his wives on the roof of the palace in Jerusalem for all to see. 

In Part Six: David’s Punishment.