Bitch!
Who you may ask? That'd be me
I've been a royal jerk to pretty much everyone the last few weeks. I pretty much realized I'd gone completely over the edge today when I was at work and one of my co-workers was helping me with some paperwork. I'd made a mistake on one of the forms and she was explaining what I'd done wrong and what I needed to do to fix it (which wasn't pleasant, and was a lot of work). Anyway I guess I was starring at her like I didn't understand or something because she explained it again, nicely I might add, and asked "does that make sense?". And I just pretty much went off and said "Yeah, I understand it; I'm just not happy about it ". She didn't say anything, was still quite nice really, but I knew I'd crossed a line.
There was no real reason for it either. By all accounts it should have been a good day. I mean I'd actually done quite well for the week and even if this deal had been completely unsalvageable, which it wasn't, it wouldn't have really mattered that much. Plus everyone else was in a perfectly good mood and being quite nice to me. I was just being an all around cranky bitch.
Not just at work either. With all my friends lately I've pretty much been hypersensitive and all but looking for trouble. It seems I've been going out of my way to either be offended, annoyed, or hurt by them. The ones that have stayed on my "good side" are pretty much the ones that are extremely sympathetic, and rational and have basically let me whine and...use them
I've kinda been doing nothing but "taking" and not giving when it comes to my family too.
*sigh* and I guess my whole attitude has been...different. The other day someone pointed out that I was being very negative. Then later I got a "You're so aggressive", which actually was probably a compliment since it took place in a club and he was referring to my sexual behaviour (which he was into), but nevertheless... I was troubled by these remarks and asked a close friend if he thought I was too pushy. He diplomatically responded "you're just very assertive".
It's a sad and frustrating thing. I never really felt like people were taking advantage of me before, but I was always laid-back, positive, and easy-going. I like to think I used to be a rather giving person...I guess I went from never saying "No", to never expecting to hear it.
Then there's driving...YIKES , when I look back on the way I've been driving (weaving in and out of traffic, speeding, tailgating, accelerating to get through lights, etc.) it kinda scares me.
I've pretty much been ignoring Lucky (my cat) too.
Anyway, I know I need to fix it. I know I need to change. I know I need to care. And I'm going to. I apologized (twice) to everyone at work, and I'm going to work on making amends in the other areas as well. See I've always had one really good thing going for me. No matter what I've always been on my own side. I've always liked and respected myself. I've always prided myself on being my own best friend...well I was starting to get on my nerves too. So I know it's time to fix it.
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