I had a great time at the creek last weekend. Paul invited me, and it was a f**king blast. I got to meet his boyfriend, Levi, for the first time really. I'd seen him around before but never really spoken to him, which is a total shame because the boy is absolutely one of the nicest people ever.

He talked me into shotgunning a beer with him after I'd already had SEVERAL, lol. Then he didn't complain at all when he had to help me to my tent because I was drunk enough for the sand to be moving. In fact he actually came up to me and asked if I was okay 'cause I was just laying back on my blanket staring at the stars while they spun, haha, and I was like "I am f**king incredible, just don't touch me". Heh, sounds stupid, but the best friends are the ones who help you up and to the far side of the camp site, knowing the danger of you puking on them lurks closeby.

Then the next day we decided we needed to go and grab some stuff we'd forgotten about. Well, we left the campsite in the hands of Troy, who is incredibly flamboyant. We came back to discover... he had... landscaped. Yes, he landscaped the campsite. He'd found two huge, straight branches and tied rainbow flags to both before staking them in the sand. Then, he put up all the tiki torches and got bushes/weeds from the side of the river and mounded sand at the bases so it looked as if they were growing there. He even grabbed a gigantic oak tree branch and stuck it in the middle of all of that like we had a little tree there. It was f**king wonderful, and the canoers going by were just in awe of our decked out campsite with five tents that'd been landscaped.

Later that day we had a run-in with an overzealous park ranger. He came up and wanted to know if everyone drinking was of age, and we said yeah. He did not believe it, and prior to his arrival I'd been laying on my back in the sun for about half an hour trying to get less fluorescent. Well, he interrupted my tanning, and then came up to me talking about how my eyes looked glazed and asking if I'd been drinking. I was sober and I damn near told him to go f**K himself, lol. Basically I ended up telling him that if it really bothered him that much that he could damn well breathalyze me but I wasn't going to stand there and let him harass me. He even bluffed about having a drug dog, like park rangers have f**king drug dogs. Riiiight.

The clouds then came out, and I was pissed. I was burned on one side, white on the other, and there was no chance of tanning for the rest of the day. The next day it rained, so yeah, I'm still annoyed that I never got a proper tan... will have to start on the other side next time.

Soooooooooooo... fastforwarding...

Started going to a therapist, who referred me to a psychiatrist here on campus. Well, today I saw her (by surprise, got a call in the morning asking if I'd be willing to move up my appointment). Anywho, her impression was kinda what I expected. None of them ever listen to me, really, lol. They make their own diagnosis based on their own little ideas of their specific lines of questioning, and totally ignore when I try and steer them in another direction. I tried telling her that it's not the anxiety that's the problem, it's the inability to concentrate or finish tasks that's the problem. Still, though... sigh...

Her diagnosis seems to be generalized anxiety, with specific emphasis on social anxiety. I made the mistake of letting her know how bad my anxiety USED to be, and she seems to believe that it's still going on. She thinks that I have a phobia of people misjudging me, and while that IS true, it is NOT the reason I came to see her. Plus, I've been fixing that on my own thanks very much, not like I need help with it now that I've damn near gotten over it. Anyway, she also thinks I have a shitload of latent anger that I've been building up subconsciously, and that I don't release my anger. In her words, "But where is all of that anger going?".... I'M NOT f**kING ANGRY YA GODDAMN c**t! <---- hehe, latent anger! No, but seriously, I'm not an angry person by any stretch of the imagination. I've never had problems with anger, or expressing my anger, or dealing with my anger. I don't even really GET angry unless something incredibly drastic happens. The most I ever normally get is moderately irritated and a little grumpy.

Anyway, she started talking about medications and at first I was gung-ho about not taking an SSRI. She, however, thinks that my grudge against them all because of bad experiences with Prozac is silly. So now I'm on 50mg of Zoloft daily. Started today, and we'll see how it works out. I still don't get how the f**K this is supposed to solve my problem of being absolutely unable to concentrate or finish tasks, but I'll wait patiently and be a good boy.

Next time I go, in three weeks, if I haven't seen a difference in my ability to sit still, pay attention, start and finish tasks, remember what I should be doing, and order my tasks logically... she'll either be prescribing something for ADD and we'll evaluate together whether it's right for me or not, OR I'll be finding a new doctor who actually listens to what the f**K I say. Just because I have a history of drug abuse doesn't mean I'm STILL a goddamn druggie, ya f**king quack. I'd take the shit as directed, I just need some goddamn help staying focused when I'm completely uninterested.

She was, however, pretty nice. Made me nervous, I don't like shrinks, but still a nice lady. Less unnerving than my therapist. All she ever says is "Mmhmm". JESUS CHRIST LADY, say something other than a random affirmative! Why the hell am I talking to you if I'm the only one talking? If I wanted to do that, I could do it by myself, I'm really good at running an internal discussion 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, which is something you should really be concentrating on trying to fix. Uggh.

I'm gonna make the effort though. I'm not exactly comfortable with it, and I'm damn well not taking the shit for six solid months to see if it starts working like she wants me to. If it hasn't done anything in a month or two, I'm not gonna keep taking it. Wasted money and time. And if it has any side effects like it does for one in three people, I'll stop taking it way sooner. My libido is already low enough, I don't need it any more screwed up.

OH, the woman was talking about hyperthyroidism, too! Yeah, it can cause anxiety evidently. I was like oh my god, woman, if I had a hyperactive thyroid I'd be SKINNY and not WORKING to lose weight. Diet and excercise would be no problem. If anything, my thyroid needs a jump start because tons of people in my family have hypothyroidism. She was like "Well you say you went from almost 190 to 145-150"... yeah... um... lady... that's because I never ate anything with carbs, and ran around all the f**king time. That was WORK, and it still came off slow as f**K.

Anyway, I'm just frustrated about the whole deal. I'm not wanting to waste my time and energy trying to fix a problem that sertraline isn't going to touch, and I'm afraid that's how this is going to turn out.

Other than that... well... there's been another random thought floating around in my head more and more... now hold onto your seat...

I'm considering trying girls. Yeah yeah yeah, shut up, I'm serious. I might not be as sexually attracted to them, but they are far more emotionally compatible with me. They're nicer, too, damn it. I'm not exactly sure, but I think that if I found the correct girl then it could happen. All I'm saying is that I'm gonna be keeping my eyes open and keeping an open mind. I know I'll always like guys, but who says I can't experiment and try something else to see if it works? ~shrug~ Why not... I could use a nice total identity makeover, lol. Wow I'm totally borderline. GO ME!

LOVE YOU ALL, I'm getting the hell off of here. Gonna maybe lay down for a bit, see ya.