I hate not being sure of something. I believe this is at the heart of my ... issues lately. That being said, I usually never act on something if there is risk involved. What can I say, I'm a big pussy in that regard. Somehow, over the last several weeks, I am no longer sure of much anything at all and its bugging the hell out of me.

It started with one thing and just ballooned from there. People whose presence I took for granted are talking about moving across the country, the job I have had, and loathed for the last decade, is going away. School is alright, but I'm still not where I want to be with it...

Any one of these things happening I can handle, its just the shock of all of them flooding down on me, blocking any path of retreat... To be honest it has me scared because I dont know what to do or where to turn. The end result is I have been... touchy I guess is the best word? I dunno. I feel horrible about the whole thing, I know its shit at the time Im doing it, but I still do leaving me to appologize after most likely looking like a big ass about the whole thing.

It's not fair to the people I care about...

So in an effort to avoid completely blowing up at people, and showing just how much of an asshole I am capable of being, I've been avoiding and ducking out on crap, which... isn't fair either. It's just, yet again I am still in the same place that I was last year, and so many before that. Time passes and I have no accomplishment, nothing new to show for it.

Don't ask me why I am impatient. I dunno really. I don't know why the passage of time is so acute to me. Its just something I'm overly paranoid about. Maybe its because I'm afraid of growing old. Afraid of dying alone.

So afraid that it cripples everything else I do. I stay quiet because I don't want to offend anyone, I don't initiate things because I don't want to scare them off. Yet because of these stupid irrational fears, I'll just end up bringing about my biggest fear.

And that is what I am really afraid of... my fears shaping a gruff personality which in the end will leave me alone...

Enough of the whole introspective self deprecating analysis its honestly counter productive anyhow

Work - Don't know the outcome, but meh whatever, the owners have a history of being less then honest or forthcoming about vital info so really whats new? I'll just keep getting on till the getting is done I guess.

School - Starts again in a week, I have to go buy books. Only 9 units this go round and Im kind of annoyed there. I think after this semester I'll have 29 transferable units completed. Need 30 to get a TAG (Transfer Admission Guarantee)To the University of California. So looks like a summer course or something, bleh... I want to be there now, not another three semsters from now, after the 30 to get the guarantee, you need to complete another 30 before you can transfer. long Story short its taking forever and I'm impatient remember?

Writing - Dreams & Clipped Wings seems hopelessly stalled for the time being. Yet another thing that has me feeling like an ass. Thanks to everyone who nominated DnCW for a members choice award, I really wanted to get another chapter out to show my appriciation. I just can't now and that sucks. I have, however, been puttering around something else, I may be posting it soon instead.

So yeah... I think that is it; just a big ole barrel of SSDD.

Catch ya all on the flip side... soon

Steve

PS major appologies if Ive been a little... off lately, if it happens and you notice it feel free to tell me to STFU. I will comply unless certin conditions apply, then I may get nasty, but that wont happen 99.5% of the time