Laugh Time

[movieguy47]

Duh Which One Is Which?

A blonde bought two horses, and could never

remember which was which. A neighbor suggested

that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked

great until the other horse got his tail caught

in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly

like the other horse's tail and our friend was

stuck again.

The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off

one horse. That worked fine until the other horse

caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again

our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor

suggested she measure the horses for height.

When she did, she was very pleased to find that

the white horse was 2 inches taller than the

black.

 

 

 

 

How To Wash The Cat!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the

toilet water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

 

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the

toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand

on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION:

Do not get any part of your body too close to

the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for

anything he can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This

provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have

found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside

and ensure that there are no people between the

toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can,

and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the

toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

 

Sincerely, The DOG

 

 

 

 

The Cukoo Clock

The other night I was invited out for a night

with the guys. I told my wife that I would be

home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer

was going down way too easy. At 3am, drunk as

a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock

in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so

I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud

of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution,

even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

 

The next morning my wife asked me what time

I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't

seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one,

I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo

clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well,

last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh

f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,

cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice

more.... then farted."

 

 

 

 

Cool Cat

A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying

a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one

evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix

dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked

if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

 

When she got home, she realized that she didn't

have enough time to go to the supermarket, and

all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce

leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,

she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the

egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just

as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in

horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise,

the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling,

this is the best dinner you have made for me

in forty years of marriage. You can make this

for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then

on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her bridge cronies about it and they

were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

 

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing

bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed

him! We told you that feeding him that cat food

every week would do him in! How can you just

sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you

murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill

him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning

himself".

 

 

 

 

 

What is the definition of embarassment:

 

When you run in into a wall with an erection

and you break your nose first.

 

 

 

 

 

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and

she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young

boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but

don't let him do that.

" She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going

to like that, but don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to

like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to

get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that,

but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and

could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old

lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family.

When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his

family."

 

 

 

 

 

Farmer and his pig were driving down the

road when a cop pulled him over. The cop asked

the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the

law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't know that."

The cop asked the farmer where he was going and

he said, "To Memphis".

The cop said, "I will let you off the hook

this time if you promise to take the pig to the

zoo when you get to Memphis." So the farmer promised

he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer

with the pig driving down the road and he pulled

him over again. The cop said "I thought I told

you to take this pig to the zoo when you got

to Memphis."

The farmer replied, "I did and we had so much

fun, I taking him to Kings Island now"

 

 

 

 

 

FAMOUS LAST WORDS!

"I'll get a world record for this."

"The odds of that happening are a million to one!"

"It's not flammable."

"What does this button do?"

"I'm making a citizen's arrest."

"So, you're a cannibal."

"It's probably just a rash."

"Are you sure the power is off?"

"He's probably just hibernating."

"I saw them do this on TV."

"Don't worry, it's not loaded."

"These are the good kind of mushrooms."

"Rat poison only kills rats."

"It's strong enough for both of us."

"Let it down slowly."

"This doesn't taste right."

"I can make it before the light changes."

"I can do that with my eyes closed."

"I've done this before."

"Well, we've made it this far."

"Hmm, that's odd."

"Don't be so superstitious."

"Watch this!!!"

"A duck? Where?"

Edited January 5, 2005 by movieguy47

[miguelsanchez55]

Hey Movieguy,

Love them especially How To Wash the Cat.

 

Take care,

Mike Sanchez :sword:

[Blood_Rose]

Well hope you like!!!

 

 

 

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic offence. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Fined two hundred dollars for comtempt of court. That's what for!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, "It's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"

[Blood_Rose]

BTW........So wrong about the kitty...................Bad Dog!!!

[Crackerwriter]

 

I practically wet myself over the cuckoo clock.

[ethan thorn]

OMG! thoes are great.

[miguelsanchez55]

Just don't try to wash a cat that way.

 

Mike S. :sword:

[movieguy47]

That's Not Your Name

It was the first day of the school year and the teacher was asking her first grade students their names. "What is your name?" she asked a little boy in the first row.

 

"Peter Break," the little boy gleefully answered.

 

The teacher said, "Young man, I don't think that's your name. Now, what is your real name?"

 

Again, the little boy responded, "Peter Break."

 

Frustrated, the teacher went to the principal's office and asked, "Mr. Jones, do we have a Peter Break here?"

 

The principal replied, "Heck, we don't even have time for a coffee break here!"

 

 

 

 

Game Warden

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.

 

Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field. The Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.

 

Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.

 

The farmer laughed and shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"

 

 

 

 

Two Little Balls

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

A man's complete attention!

 

 

 

 

 

Showing Off His First Kilt

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is permitted to purchase and wear his first kilt.

 

A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

 

So, the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

 

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case ye want anything else made of it."

 

So, the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

 

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

 

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show her.

 

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

 

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

 

 

 

Pardon

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size every time a man said 'Pardon' to her.

 

She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!

 

She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."

 

The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"

 

 

 

 

Bubba's First Time

Bubba pulled the car over to the side of the road and showed Billy-Bob where he'd first had sex.

 

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Bubba recalled.

 

"That sounds wonderful," said Billy-Bob.

 

"Yes. It was great until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

 

"Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

 

"Baaaaaaa."

 

 

 

 

 

The Pretzel Hold

A few years ago at the World Amateur Wrestling Championship, there was a pairing of an experienced and undefeated Russian heavyweight wrestler going up against an inexperienced, upstart American heavyweight.

 

The main reason for the Russian wrestler's success was a hideous hold he had developed called the 'pretzel hold'. He had pinned every wrestler he had faced using this hold. It was called the 'Pretzel hold' because when the hold was applied, his opponent's body would resemble the shape of a pretzel. Once applied, no wrestler had ever been able to escape the hold.

 

When the match between the Russian and the American began, it was evident that the American had superior quickness, but the Russian was stronger and was just laying in wait for the American to make a mistake so he could apply the pretzel hold. Sure enough, that opportunity soon came to play and the Russian grabbed the American and applied the hold. The crowd groaned and the American wrestler's trainers had to look away in horror as they couldn't bear to watch their wrestler's certain demise.

 

Unbelievably, once the Russian tried pinning the American and the referee had reached the count of two, the American escaped the hold and with what can only be described as superhuman strength, grabbed the Russian, made a hold reversal, and pinned the Russian.

 

After the match, the media surrounded the American wrestler and one reporter asked him, "How did you do it? You've never faced this Russian wrestler before and he applied the pretzel hold on you. No one has ever escaped the hold and you escaped it with apparent ease."

 

The American wrestler replied, "Well, I was in so much pain that I was trying to find the referee to submit the match, but when I was trying to find him all I could see was a pair of balls right in front of my face."

 

"I sensed an opportunity and bit them as hard as I could."

 

"They were mine."

 

 

 

 

 

Safari Adventure

Having just returned from an African safari, Steve went to see his friend, Bill, to tell him of his adventures.

 

"There I was, out in the jungle," he said, "when I suddenly heard a noise in the bush behind me. I looked back and saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me. The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit. The lion started gaining on me once more, and as he got closer, he slipped again. I happened to see a house not far away, so I ran towards it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time. With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

 

"That's quite a story, Steve," Bill said. "I would have crapped in my pants."

 

"Well, what do you think the lion kept slipping on?!?"

 

 

 

Little Boy in Church

One Sunday morning, a little boy goes to church with his mom. While sitting in the service, he looks up at his mom and says, "Mommy, I have to pee, Mommy, I have to pee!!"

 

His mom replies, "Johnny, it's not polite to say pee in church. From now on, when you have to pee, say 'you have to whisper'."

 

The following Sunday, the boy is sitting in church with his dad and the urge to go comes to him. He looks up at his dad and says, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

 

"Alright, son," his father says, "right here in my ear!"

 

 

 

Three little mouse spent the night in a bathroom, each one sleeping

in it own place to rest

 

the next morning the first mouse who slept in the tub jump up doing

push up, boy i feel great this morning

the second mouse coming up from the sink wiggle his tail and dance

i slept good too, i feel wonderful

the third mouse coming out of the toilet looking as if he died and went

to hell

what the hell happen to you ask the first mouse

man everything was going great, then all the sudden it got very dark

the wind started to blow, it begun to pour down raining. then a whirlpool

started. and if somebody didn't throw that damn log in there i've would

had drowned

[miguelsanchez55]

I'm still laughing Movieguy

 

Mike S. :sword:

[The Story Lover]

Thanks for making my day Movieguy. I haven't laughed so hard in quite awhile

[ACFan]

hehehee -- great jokes - (here kitty kitty ..... )

[movieguy47]

Here some more

 

 

 

Grandpa

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table.

 

The children (naughty little rascals) sneak a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.

 

After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.

 

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

 

"What happened, Grandpa?" asked his concerned children.

 

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom to pee. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back."

 

 

 

At The Music Store

A man enters a music store to purchase an old-school vinyl record. As he gets ready to check out, he realizes that he doesn't have his wallet. Instead of running back home to get it, he decides to steal the record by sticking it down his pants.

 

The cashier spots him on the way out and shouts, "Hey! Is that a record in your pants?"

 

The man replies, "Well, I don't know if it's a record, but I sure haven't heard any complaints."

 

 

 

 

Stay of Execution

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for his client, Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the state governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.

 

As soon as he got through the door, his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where the hell have you been?" and so on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off to the bathroom for a long hot soak - pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

 

While he was in the bath the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

 

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent naked over the bath cleaning the tub.

 

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said, at which the attorney whirled round and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

 

 

 

What Do You Want Out Of Life?

A teacher asked the students in her class, "What do you want out of life?"

 

A young girl in the front row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four animals."

 

"Really?" asked the teacher. "What four animals would that be?"

 

"A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed and a jackass to pay for it all," the girl replied.

 

 

 

 

The Morning After

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing himself to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

 

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

 

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

 

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

 

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

 

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married'," his son replies.

 

 

 

 

Tasty Fries

There was once a sheep farmer who required assistance with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. Finally, he hired a French guy. Although he didn't speak much English, he was a very good worker.

 

After the first day, they had successfully castrated 16 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", when the sheep farmer yelled, "Wait! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious. We call them 'sheep fries'."

 

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper and, sure enough, the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

 

The following day, they castrated 18 sheep. That evening, they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

 

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was. She replied, "It's the strangest thing. I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries.....that's when he ran like hell!"

 

 

 

 

The Name Says It All

A young Native American boy went to his mother with a puzzled look on his face.

 

"Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?" he asked.

 

"Because when he was conceived, there was a mighty storm," the mother explained.

 

"Why is my sister called Moon Child?" he asked.

 

"That's because your father and I were watching the moon landing when she was conceived," replied the mother.

 

"Then why is my other sister called Cornflower?" asked the young boy.

 

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when she was conceived," she replied.

 

The mother paused for a moment, then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you asking so many questions today?"

 

 

 

Where's Mom and Dad?

A little boy came to the breakfast table and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The little boy snickered and started eating his breakfast.

 

At lunch the boy asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The boy snickered again and started eating his lunch.

 

At dinner the boy asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" Grandma replied, "They're still in bed." The boy laughed out loud boisterously then started to eat his dinner. The grandma then said to the boy, "You've laughed every time I've told you that your Mom and Dad were still in bed - what's going on here?"

 

The boy replied, "Last night dad came into my room and asked if he could borrow the tube of vaseline I keep in my dresser? I told him to go ahead and take it. This morning I looked in my dresser and the vaseline was still there - but my super glue was missing."

 

 

 

Detective Wong

Suspecting his wife of having an affair with another man, a husband hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Wong, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, the husband received this report:

 

Most Hon'ble Sir:

 

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

 

He and she leave house.

I follow.

 

He and she get on train.

I follow.

 

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree - look in window.

 

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

 

He strip she.

She strip she.

 

He play with she.

She play with he.

 

I play with me.

Fall out of tree.

 

No see.

No fee.

 

 

 

 

Using The Ladies Room

A man traveling by plane urgently needed to use the restroom, but each time he tried, it was occupied. Aware of his predicament, the flight attendant suggested he use the ladies room, but cautioned him against pressing any of the buttons.

 

In the ladies room, he noticed four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR. Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, he let his curiousity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

 

Cautiously, he pressed the WW button. Suddenly, a gentle flow of warm water sprayed his entire bottom. "Wow," he thought, "these women really have it made." Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA. Warm air blew gently and quickly dried his behind. He thought this was terrific. He then pressed the PP button. A soft powder puff swung out and lightly dusted his bottom with talc.

 

Obviously, he just couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.

 

When he awoke in the hospital, he panicked and immediately buzzed for the nurse. As soon as she appeared, he cried out, "My God, what happened to me? The last thing I remember, I was using the ladies room on a plane."

 

"Yes, you were," the nurse replied, "and you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which, by the way, stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. You'll find your penis under your pillow!"

 

 

 

Babies Are His Specialty

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

 

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

 

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

 

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

 

"You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

 

"That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones.

 

"You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

 

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones.

 

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

 

"I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones.

 

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

 

"Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

 

"This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared.

 

"Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed.

 

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph.

 

"She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked.

 

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look."

 

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers.

 

"Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

 

"You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked.

 

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

 

"Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones.

 

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action."

 

"Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"

 

 

 

 

Try To Relax

A man was feeling very stressed out, so he decided to take a hot bath.

 

Just as he got comfortable in the tub, the doorbell rang. He got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door, only to find a salesman selling brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

 

As soon as he settled in, the doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and the robe, and he started for the door. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the tub.

 

Cursing under his breath, he struggled into his street clothes, called a taxi, and headed to his doctor's office.

 

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you're very lucky. You could have suffered a serious injury but, fortunately, nothing is broken. What you really need to do is try to relax. Why don't you go home and take a nice, long, hot bath?"

 

 

 

Nursing Home Sleeping Aids

Peggy was visiting her father at the nursing home. "How is everything, Dad," she asks.

 

"Everything's fine," he replies. "I've been sleeping very well the past few weeks."

 

"That's good news, Dad. Have they been giving you something to help you sleep?" Peggy asks.

 

"Yes," he replies. "Every night the nurse gives me a glass of warm milk and Viagra."

 

"Viagra? Why are they giving you Viagra?" asks Peggy.

 

"I don't know," replies her father.

 

Peggy finds a nurse and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.

 

"We give him warm milk which helps him sleep," the nurse says.

 

"But why the Viagra?" Peggy asks.

 

"Oh, that just keeps him from rolling out of the bed," explains the nurse.

 

 

 

Looking For Crisco

An old guy was wandering around a supermarket calling out - "Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!"

 

Finally, a clerk approached him and said, "Sir, the Crisco in on aisle seven."

 

"Oh," the old guy said, "I'm not looking for Crisco. I'm calling my wife."

 

"Your wife's name is Crisco?" the puzzled clerk asked.

 

"Hell, no," the old guy said. "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."

 

"Oh? Well, what do you call her when you're not in the supermarket?" asked the clerk.

 

"Lard Arse!" replied the old guy.

[Gentim]

Movieguy47, I don't know when I've laughed so hard. :king:

[GunRunner]

Here is another laugh to add to your list

 

-Gun

 

The Cowboy

 

A cowboy has been on the trail for a year and ain

[movieguy47]

Toothache

A man has a toothache, so he goes to see his dentist.

 

After examining the tooth, the dentist tells the man he is going to have to give him an injection for the pain.

 

The man says, "No way! I don't want an injection."

 

The dentist replies, "OK, I'll give you gas."

 

"Noooo!" shrieks the man. "I don't want any gas."

 

"Fine," says the dentist, "I'm going to give you some Viagra!"

 

"Viagra?" exclaims the man. "What for?"

 

"You're going to need something to hang on to when I pull your tooth!"

 

 

 

 

 

The Peach Farmer

The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done very well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So, he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.

 

Just on the outskirts of town, he came to a house. He grabbed a basket of peaches, walked up to the house, and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blonde, wearing a sheer robe, answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, honey, what can I do for you?"

 

Somewhat shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these really nice peaches for sale."

 

The blonde, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. She opened the top of her robe, exposing her breasts, and said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"

 

Even more shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."

 

Then, she opened the rest of her robe, revealing that she wasn't wearing any panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"

 

The old farmer broke down crying, and stammered, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."

 

She replied, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"

 

The old farmer whimpered, "Lady, first the cut worms ruined my tomato crop, and the weevils ate all my cotton. Now, something tells me you're gonna screw me out of my peaches.

 

 

 

 

Grandma's Meat Loaf

One evening, a newlywed called her mother in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma's meat loaf for dinner tonight and it was horrible. I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for Tommy because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

 

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

 

"OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef' ......."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Working Two Jobs

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. Late one night, the phone rang and his wife answered.

 

An agitated voice asked, "Is your husband there?"

 

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife inquired.

 

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

 

 

 

 

Telling Sad Stories

Bob, Bill and Steve were attending a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top floor of a 75-story skyscraper.

 

After a long day of meetings, they were upset to hear that the hotel elevators were broken and they would have to climb the 75 flights of stairs to reach their room.

 

Bob said, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Bill can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Steve can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

 

At the 26th floor, Bob stopped telling jokes and Bill began to sing. At the 51st floor, Bill stopped singing and Steve began to tell sad stories.

 

"I'll tell my saddest story first," Steve said. "I left the room key in the car!!"

 

 

 

 

 

How Do You Feel?

Jack and George, both residing in a home for seniors, were playing cards and chatting.

 

"How do you feel, George?" Jack asked. "I mean, you are going to be 80 next week, so how do you honestly feel?"

 

"Honestly, Jack," George replied, "I feel like a newborn baby. I have no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."

 

 

 

Administering The Last Rites

A man was lying on the sidewalk after being struck by a bus on a busy city street, with a crowd of spectators gathered around him.

 

"A priest," gasped the man, "Please, someone get me a priest."

 

A policeman checked the crowd, but there was no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

 

"A priest, please," the injured man repeated. Suddenly, an elderly man stepped out of the crowd.

 

"Officer," the old man said, "I'm not a priest, nor am I even a Catholic, but I have lived behind St. Mary's Catholic Church for over fifty years, and I have listened to the Catholic rites every night. Perhaps I can be of some comfort to this man."

 

The policeman agreed and brought the old man over to the victim. The old man knelt down on the sidewalk, leaned over the injured man, and in a solemn voice said, "B-9, I-21, N-34, G-51, O-68."

 

 

 

 

Watching The Ball Game

As a mother was walking past her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from the room. Quietly opening the door, she saw her daughter going to town with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What on earth are you doing?"

 

"Mother, I'm thirty-seven years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'm ever going to get to a husband. Now please, just go away and leave me alone," the daughter said.

 

The following day, the girl's father heard the same buzzing noise coming from the other side of her closed bedroom door. Slowly opening the door, he saw his daughter giving herself a real workout with the vibrator. Taken aback, he asked her what she was doing.

 

"Dad, I'm thirty-seven years old, unmarried, and this thing is as close as I'm ever going to get to a husband. Now please, just go away and leave me alone," she groaned.

 

Several days later, the mother came home from a shopping trip and heard that same buzzing noise coming from the living room. She entered the room and found her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV, with the vibrator next to him on the couch, buzzing away like crazy.

 

"What the hell are you doing?" she exclaimed.

 

"I'm sitting here watching the ball game with my son-in-law," he replied.

[Blood_Rose]

WATCHING THE BALL GAME................Omigawd, about pissed myself...................LAUGHS

[ACFan]

"What the hell are you doing?" she exclaimed.

 

"I'm sitting here watching the ball game with my son-in-law," he replied.

 

 

OMG - LOL! those are hilarious!