How long does one have to wait?

[Menzoberranzen]

I have to agree with Vic on this one. Regardless of if you have grade assignment authority over him, you have responsibility for part of his education. Simply by asking him out you put him in a position of wondering if his will affect the help you give him in your capacity as a TA. Speaking from personal experience, as a TA it is easy to shortchange some students while giving others "extra" help ... even if you don't assign grades.

 

My advice is to keep it friendly until you no longer have any educational authority over him.

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

(who curses his strong sense of ethical responsibility)

 

Trust me, I've agonized over this since I found out I was his TA. And you're both right, even if I don't want to admit it. If I were assigning marks, I would stay away from even a friendship with him, but as it is I honestly think I would take him out, if given the chance. I'm only doing half the semester for this class as a fill in for someone else, so it really shouldn't be that hard to wait another few weeks, especially given the situation. Blah. This is, among other reasons, why I avoid relationships.

 

Menzo

 

PS I slept with one of my TA's when I was an undergrad. That was a bad, bad thing to do. I was underage, he wasn't. He was marking my assignments, too. It was one of my more questionable decisions, but thankfully he proved not to be a petty person.

[AFriendlyFace]

You've received a lot of very good advice, Menzo. How long you need to wait, what is or isn't appropriate, and any other complications are all going to be completely contingent upon the two of you and the situation in question. In general I would advise being there for him as a friend and perhaps even trying to subtly find out what he wants next in terms of dating and a relationship. You can usually find out. I'm always very candid about my relationship/dating goals if the topic comes up. For example over the past week or so I think I've warmed up to the idea of having a relationship again; however, that relationship would need to start off very slow and casual. This is in contrast to the phase I was in of not being particularly interested in any type of dating, which was preceded by casual dating, which was preceded by a relationship. Anyway, point is, at any given time I can usually tell you how I feel. Maybe I'm just weird or extra-emo or something, but I think most people can do this if they stop and think about it. So just ASK HIM. Do it in a casual way though, unless you do want to tip your hand.

 

The other point I would like to mention is that I find it irritating (not so much you specifically, Menzo, but in general), when anyone, male or female, gay or straight, says, "I'm not the one who makes the first move". That's so...out-dated, and annoyingly passive. If you want something or someone, go after it! I even find Krista's approach of manipulatively pursuing it (sorry, Krista, I don't mean that in a negative way at all) favourable to just sitting around hoping so and so will ask you out. You're essentially relinquishing all power and rights to the other person. Speaking as someone who's exclusively been the asker-outer, from a selfish point of view, I don't mind that much since it ensures that the early parts of the relationship are always on my terms. However, objectively speaking that is obviously unfair and I really don't think people ought to put up with it.

 

Also, while I generally perceive the more assertive role in the matter to be favourable, I think some reciprocity would also be nice. If someone is interested in me, I'd like to know. It might be that I won't feel compelled to pursue them on my own, but who knows, it might have worked out very nicely.

 

I have a friend who insists that I need to ask out his love interest for him. I'll even do it, if/when I can get the guy alone and bring the topic up, but I think it's a little silly and very Jr. High.

 

Anyway, if you like the guy and you feel like he is ready, just say, "Why don't we have dinner tonight?"

 

Sorry if I seem to be coming off bitchy, but this is something of a sore point for me. It's one of those things that needlessly (IMO) complicates relationships.

 

Just my thoughts, and I have every faith and confidence that you'll handle the situation correctly, Menzo

-Kevin

Edited January 20, 2008 by AFriendlyFace