Parents and kids

[Y_B]

I dunno, I've always wondered about parenting and kids and just what it is that makes some methods more effective than others when it comes to managing your kids' behaviors. There are kids and parents here of all ages, so what do y'all think? I mean, there's gotta be something wrong when the more you attempt to correct your kids, they only get more clever in covering their mistakes. Rather than stopping problem-causing behavior, you're just breeding a "don't get caught next time" mentality. I'm left wondering whether it's the kids at fault for being too out of control or the parents at fault for being unable to handle situations correctly. There's prolly middle ground and I want to know where that is so when I have kids of my own in the future, I won't make the same mistake, because in retrospect, I haven't been honest with my parents about a lot of things and don't want my kids and I to have the same concealing relationship. My guilt over the matter wheels itself high and low depending on how I see the situation.

 

Case in point, my mom was lecturing me the other day about my texting/calling habits, which aren't exactly outside of the norm, but she thinks different and there was no reasoning with my mom sometimes. As she was telling me all the ways she was gonna start monitoring and dictating my usage, I was already planning my ways around her surveillance rather than listening to her. She took notice of this one time and became even more strict, but that only further reinforced my determination to seek out ways to not let her succeed. A solution was never presented and ultimately, things will just escalate out of control until all there is left is resentment from both parties.

 

I know things like this happen on all levels with all things, so I'm interested in knowing what you guys think. If you're a kid, why do you do some of the things you do and if you're a parent, why do you think your kids do this or are you even aware?

Edited June 29, 2010 by Yang Bang

[Graeme]

You're basically highlighting a failure to communicate. Communication is a two-way street. If a parent places restrictions on a child, then they should be able to explain why those restrictions are in place. In the case you've described, your mother needs to explain why she feels you are doing too much texting, and why she feels she needs to monitor it.

 

If she explains why, you don't have to agree with the explanation, but it then goes back to you to explain to her why you think she's mistaken. That's the two-way part of the communication. You need to be able to explain your side of the story, too.

 

Simply applying a rule without an explanation is just making it a challenge. If reasons are given (eg. she's the one paying the bills) then it may be that a compromise can be found (eg. you start paying the bills, instead, and so you can then text/call up to the limit of your available money).

 

Unfortunately, communication needs to be a habit, and if you're out of the habit of actually talking AND listening, then it can be really hard to get back into the habit.

[TetRefine]

I know I probably sound like a broken record here, but I think the most successful parents are the ones who find the good middle ground. I.e., giving their kids certain freedoms and responsibilities but reigning them in on others. I think it also depends on the type of kid you have. If the parent knows they can trust said kid and they have proven so, then they might be more inclined to get more freedoms. If you have a wild child per say, then it might be smarter to keep a tighter leash on said kid.

 

I have seen time and time again kids with strict, overbearing parents often are the biggest problem cases. But they are experts at hiding it. They may put on the perfect student, polite, "kid with no flaws" mask for their parents and the public, but they spend Friday to Sunday drinking their asses off, smoking and snorting anything and everything they can get their hands on, and doing crazy shit. Some of the so called perfect kids that grown ups see as the "good kids" are absolutely no different from the "bad kids", they just hide it better. This happens all the time in white suburbia. Parents put so much pressure on their kids that they go crazy on the weekends and in their private lives just to get a little bit of a break.

 

For example, lets take my AP US History class. There was 50x more cheating in that class then any other class I have ever been in. Why? Because most of the parents of those kids in that class expected them to be brilliant, A+, Ivy League bound students when some of them weren't. So they felt like they were forced to cheat because their parents would not accept anything less then perfect. Most of them too were hard weekend partiers and smoked a ton of weed and two were even weekend coke heads.

 

The most important thing, I think for a parent to understand, is to have realistic expectations for your kid. Every parent wants a straight A, Varsity sports captain, perfectly behaved child. But the reality is, most kids aren't and I think parents have a hard time accepting that. So please, parents, set realistic expectations for your kid or you will only set you and your kid up for future problems.

 

I'm not quite sure if I answered the question or not, but I tried.

[MikeL]

I know I probably sound like a broken record here, but I think the most successful parents are the ones who find the good middle ground. I.e., giving their kids certain freedoms and responsibilities but reigning them in on others. I think it also depends on the type of kid you have. If the parent knows they can trust said kid and they have proven so, then they might be more inclined to get more freedoms. If you have a wild child per say, then it might be smarter to keep a tighter leash on said kid.

I agree with you, Matt. The best approach to parenting is the middle ground with a balance of freedoms and restrictions (or responsibilities). As the child ages, as he matures, the balance should gradually change to allow more freedoms and require fewer restrictions.

 

While the parent should be teaching the child some important life lessons, it's unfortunate that some parents never learn. No one starts out as a professional parent. If they were themselves well-parented, they have a model to build on. But parenting is frequently a learning process and a trial and error experience for the parent. Not every child is the same; not every child can be treated the same. The younger child should never have more freedoms than the older child; this would only breed animosity from the older child and problems for the parent that they would not be able to cope with.

 

The one thing that has stuck with me about parenting my own sons is that each one seemed easier than the preceding one. I must have been the one who was maturing.

[Y_B]

Yes, I agree that communication is the main factor that'll mediate most kinds of disputes so that a compromise can be best reached. However, communication can seldom be forced. There is a trust factor and an openness factor that each household has to foster in order to maintain the healthy level of communication and resolutions desirable. Some things like dating and sex, school, or personal inquiries are fragile topics to poke around and even with the willingness to discuss certain matters and behaviors, it can be awkward and without a good approach, people aren't likely to speak their minds openly. If I'm correct, it's almost a universal phenomenon that most dads have incredible trouble communicating with their daughters, especially on the matter of sex. I think this is one of the things that causes many parents to try to be their kids' friends rather than parents, which in my opinion can work well, but some parents over do it and pushes the kids away even more.

 

In the case with my household, I guess I just don't get the sense of safe openness that's needed for me to be honest with my parents about a lot of things. Starting with the issue of sexuality, this has always been a big one, and this could be the thing that always made me feel that I can't be hones with my parents without bad retaliation about many things. When things are good, they are extremely good, but in the occasion in things are bad, it's really bad around here and I'm uncomfortable thinking about the really bad.

Edited June 29, 2010 by Yang Bang

[Maken]

A generation or so ago, things were so completely different as to be mind-boggling. The internet and the changes it has made in the world, alongside the fast-developing, always-expanding global/digital community is making the gaps between generations bigger and bigger with each passing day. I