Charlie

[Hamen Cheese]

Instead of waiting sixteen chapter in to make this thread, I figured I'd make one now while it has been freshly released.

 

I've included a short poll just to check how people find the story so far (10 being the highest and 1 the lowest).

 

If you'd care to elaborate on why you voted as such, I'd appreciate it. I was thinking of making it a public poll but I wasn't sure people would give an assessment as honestly if I did.

 

If you're noticing certain errors I keep repeating, please point them out! I'd rather not spend ten hours editing the whole thing just to add punctuations I missed because I didn't know such a rule existed hehe (which is what I have been doing with my other story Adamagika). If it's an error I did once or twice but got correctly most of the time, you don't have to mention it.

 

Here is a link to the story by the way: Charlie.

[Andrew Q Gordon]

HC,

 

I read chapter 1 but I did not vote because I think it is too early for me to tell. What I mean is, with all the 'perfect' talk I am not sure if this is satirical, tongue in cheek, whimisical etc. I like it so if i were to vote simply on would I like to see it continue, my answer would be a 10. But at this point you have barely set the table for the story - and that is in no way a bad thing/criticism. I like how you are starting this, so maybe I ought to go back and vote but I will wait a chapter or two more before I do that

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

No problem at all, Andy.

 

It's more of a feel for where readers are so far with the story. I know it's quite early but this post will be around (or should be around for quite awhile) and I'm not sure I'll be able to add a poll later on.

[Hamen Cheese]

I just have to say that the linked song did not in any way inspire Derek's character in the story Charlie. However, I found it amusing when someone pointed it out to me while writing the story. Hehe.

 

[Cia]

I voted. Sorry for the low number, please don't take it as discouragement. I'm sure I'd have a higher number if I was voting at a later chapter date. Right now I think that is where the story is. For me it's the story premise you have going but the way the story has gone so far. You start out in late teen years, over 16 at least and then jump into flashbacks. In the first 2 chapters you've yet to get to the 'problem' that you have Derek fretting over in the beginning. It's important to get background on the boys and the world around them but in some ways I think the drawn out flashback disconnects the reader from where you want the story to go in the 'present' time. Also, in the first chapter I think Derek's self-absorption is a bit much however you tone that down somewhat in chapter 2 which makes him a little less of a butt.

 

The flow of the story within the scenes you have set out is really working. I love the way you have not only described Charlie as shy but given instances to show it, very important. The lunch room scene was well done, I like the give and take of the character interactions between the many other students at the table and Chalie and Derek. Then you have the by-play between just the 2 boys and Derek's complete obliviousness. That was pretty well written to keep it to the characters age and their mental maturity at that level. I do think that Derek's little speech about looking for something other than surface beauty is a good one but not something I would really expect from someone his age, advanced maturity/perfection or not but other than that you kept them in character quite well.

 

So you also set up a posting schedule. 2 weeks per chapter is a good goal. I will keep my calendar marked for the next installment of Charlie!

[Hamen Cheese]

I voted. Sorry for the low number, please don't take it as discouragement. I'm sure I'd have a higher number if I was voting at a later chapter date. Right now I think that is where the story is.

I hate you Cia! I hate you!!! Naah, I'm just kidding hahaha. Of course, I don't mind votes for a low number. It honestly helps me gauge where my story is standing would be better than no comments at all. So if anything, it will just encourage me to do even better.

 

Of course there would be some that can't be pleased if they don't like the genre for example. I hope no one is voting with that in mind because it would be difficult to fix this story for example if the voter's comment is "I only like Fantasy stories." Maybe I can give Charlie supernatural powers later...

 

For me it's the story premise you have going but the way the story has gone so far. You start out in late teen years, over 16 at least and then jump into flashbacks. In the first 2 chapters you've yet to get to the 'problem' that you have Derek fretting over in the beginning. It's important to get background on the boys and the world around them but in some ways I think the drawn out flashback disconnects the reader from where you want the story to go in the 'present' time.

Hmm, I haven't thought of that. It's definitely something I have to think about as I write the succeeding chapter. I'll see if I can find a balance.

 

Also, in the first chapter I think Derek's self-absorption is a bit much however you tone that down somewhat in chapter 2 which makes him a little less of a butt.

Haha. Yeah, my reply to your review in efiction should answer this.

 

The flow of the story within the scenes you have set out is really working. I love the way you have not only described Charlie as shy but given instances to show it, very important. The lunch room scene was well done, I like the give and take of the character interactions between the many other students at the table and Chalie and Derek. Then you have the by-play between just the 2 boys and Derek's complete obliviousness. That was pretty well written to keep it to the characters age and their mental maturity at that level. I do think that Derek's little speech about looking for something other than surface beauty is a good one but not something I would really expect from someone his age, advanced maturity/perfection or not but other than that you kept them in character quite well.

Thanks. Hehe. Hopefully, I can remember to keep that up later on haha. Oh, regarding the little speech, I don't think Derek's being very sincere hehe.

 

So you also set up a posting schedule. 2 weeks per chapter is a good goal. I will keep my calendar marked for the next installment of Charlie!

Now, I'm nervous. Haha. Looking forward to that day!

[Benji]

................Derek is very self-assured errr. somewhat full of himself!! Haha! Mr. perfect's world is going to crash soon, I feel it. And it will all be Charlies fault! I do like the story so far, I have a feeling that the twist it may take will start out as a rescue. No doubt Big C will challenge the hero! Pretty good so far, I really need more to go one, but gave it a good rating!!

[Andrew Q Gordon]

HC,

 

I am not in love with this the way I am with ATSW - and it has nothing to do with fantasy vs. modern. I read Cia's comments and would second them. You are 7K words into this and we don't have a reason to want to keep reading - by that I mean, what is the issue? A day or days in the life are not enough of a hook.

 

As with your other stories, you characters are well done and you let us know them, but right now, I am not sure I care about them enough - I really am NOT trying to be critical, I enjoy your work but would be dishonest if all I ever did was say 'good, great job' or brilliant.

 

I guess what I am getting at is unlike a fantasy novel, where you can spend time giving people the 'lay of the land' or explaining the background to the story - things people are interested in - here you need to fill us in on their lives in snippets woven into the story. I suspect - which is why I keep reading - this will be resolved sooner than later, so I am not down on the story. But if you don't hook us next chapter, it better be the mother of all interesting chapters.

 

Can I ask a few questions - feel free to ignore me after all the above.

 

1) Is Derek really supposed to be a Jerk? I didn't take him that way, though in reading the reviews it seems he is supposed to be. This might be a factor of not knowing what is the conflict yet. My thought was you were just presenting him in this way for a reason., which leads to question two;

 

2) Is this over the top self love by Derek being offered tongue in cheek satire? If not, if this Derek's acting as he will through out the book - it is too over the top. My thinking is that is the point that Derek is a legend in his own mind and reality is different from his perception of it. He is not as well loved as he thinks. But if this is being offered as the way things really are with Derek's assessment of his prowess tossed in, then it is not believable. It is like the movie Pleasantville only on a one person scale. But there, the movie was poking fun at the stereotypical perfect TVland family of the 50's and 60's. If you are not doing that here, I am not sure it works.

 

Hopefully I didn't cross a line here, if so, I apologize. I have always told you what I thought of your work, so I figured I would continue to do that here.

 

Okay I rambled enough.

 

Andy

[Hamen Cheese]

................Derek is very self-assured errr. somewhat full of himself!! Haha! Mr. perfect's world is going to crash soon, I feel it. And it will all be Charlies fault! I do like the story so far, I have a feeling that the twist it may take will start out as a rescue. No doubt Big C will challenge the hero! Pretty good so far, I really need more to go one, but gave it a good rating!!

 

Maybe. Maybe not. Hehe. I do hope you continue enjoying it as the story unfolds.

 

 

HC,

 

I am not in love with this the way I am with ATSW - and it has nothing to do with fantasy vs. modern. I read Cia's comments and would second them. You are 7K words into this and we don't have a reason to want to keep reading - by that I mean, what is the issue? A day or days in the life are not enough of a hook.

 

As with your other stories, you characters are well done and you let us know them, but right now, I am not sure I care about them enough - I really am NOT trying to be critical, I enjoy your work but would be dishonest if all I ever did was say 'good, great job' or brilliant.

 

I guess what I am getting at is unlike a fantasy novel, where you can spend time giving people the 'lay of the land' or explaining the background to the story - things people are interested in - here you need to fill us in on their lives in snippets woven into the story. I suspect - which is why I keep reading - this will be resolved sooner than later, so I am not down on the story. But if you don't hook us next chapter, it better be the mother of all interesting chapters.

 

Can I ask a few questions - feel free to ignore me after all the above.

 

1) Is Derek really supposed to be a Jerk? I didn't take him that way, though in reading the reviews it seems he is supposed to be. This might be a factor of not knowing what is the conflict yet. My thought was you were just presenting him in this way for a reason., which leads to question two;

 

2) Is this over the top self love by Derek being offered tongue in cheek satire? If not, if this Derek's acting as he will through out the book - it is too over the top. My thinking is that is the point that Derek is a legend in his own mind and reality is different from his perception of it. He is not as well loved as he thinks. But if this is being offered as the way things really are with Derek's assessment of his prowess tossed in, then it is not believable. It is like the movie Pleasantville only on a one person scale. But there, the movie was poking fun at the stereotypical perfect TVland family of the 50's and 60's. If you are not doing that here, I am not sure it works.

 

Hopefully I didn't cross a line here, if so, I apologize. I have always told you what I thought of your work, so I figured I would continue to do that here.

 

Okay I rambled enough.

 

Andy

 

 

Hi Andy,

 

Thanks for the comments. Hehe. After reading Cia's comments, I actually went back to see where the conflict is first explicitly mentioned. Chapters 2 and 3 both hint at the issue but it won't be until Chapter 4 that it's explicitly stated. I don't know if that will remain to be the way things go. It's definitely something I'll have to think about in the next two weeks. What I was hoping to establish in the earlier chapters is the nature of the friendship between Charlie and Derek. The first few paragraphs of Chapter 1 already say that something goes wrong in their friendship. Before I go off "screwing with it", I figured the reader needed to know first what is there "to be screwed around with." That at least was how I was thinking when I wrote it.

 

If I removed the first five paragraphs, what would actually be left is a story about two great friends and how they met. I could have waited until after I fully introduced them as friends before stating that there would be a conflict but I opted to warn the reader as early as the first page that this story will not be a smooth sailing one.

 

To answer your two questions, I can say that the story is being told entirely from the perspective of Derek.

 

Best regards,

 

HC

[Andrew Q Gordon]

Hi Andy,

 

Thanks for the comments. Hehe. After reading Cia's comments, I actually went back to see where the conflict is first explicitly mentioned. Chapters 2 and 3 both hint at the issue but it won't be until Chapter 4 that it's explicitly stated. I don't know if that will remain to be the way things go. It's definitely something I'll have to think about in the next two weeks. What I was hoping to establish in the earlier chapters is the nature of the friendship between Charlie and Derek. The first few paragraphs of Chapter 1 already say that something goes wrong in their friendship. Before I go off "screwing with it", I figured the reader needed to know first what is there "to be screwed around with." That at least was how I was thinking when I wrote it.

 

If I removed the first five paragraphs, what would actually be left is a story about two great friends and how they met. I could have waited until after I fully introduced them as friends before stating that there would be a conflict but I opted to warn the reader as early as the first page that this story will not be a smooth sailing one.

 

To answer your two questions, I can say that the story is being told entirely from the perspective of Derek.

 

Best regards,

 

HC

 

Ok, two things, 1) I saw the hints you were dropping

 

 

Charlie dropping the 'screw' in his 'engine' & the wet dream

 

 

 

So I guess it isn't that I didn't know, or better said, suspect the issue coming, it's that you didn't get to it already.

 

2) That said, this is YOUR story and I would rather you write it YOUR way. Otherwise it would be me reading my story written by you - not what I want. So, ignore my comments from the previous post and keep on going as you have been. I will trust you to know what you are doing - at least until chapter 4 since that is when you said most of this will be clear. [amazing how the morning gives me a fresh perspective. maybe I ought to do all my reviews first thing in the am rather than at night before bed.]

 

Andy

[Welshdude]

Hey dude. Didn't give a low vote cos I enjoyed chapter 2. The flashback scene was a little drawn out in Chap 1 but other than that it was good. Look forward to reading more:)

[Hamen Cheese]

Andy - Okay hehe.

 

Welshdude - Haha. Thanks. I'll keep writing as long as people keep reading.