Com's Overdue "5CBC" Reviews

[Comicality]

 

Now, this is definitely one of those stories that I think was maybe 5 or 6 chapters too short. I know that I do the same thing a lot when it comes to stories that are only supposed to be one or two chapters long, or something 'solo' for the anthology. Because I try to come up with this huge concept, and it doesn't always 'fit' into just one story. That's kind of what I see happening here. The concept seems to be a bit too big to fit into the chapters you've given us.

 

It's like, you knew where you wanted to go, but were in a rush to get there. So I hope this helps to focus a bit more for the next time. (Hehehe, don't worry! It's not a bad thing. It's an easy fix once you learn to think from a reader's perspective and become aware of it.)

 

The one thing that stands out is the sheer variety of details in some places, and a lack of details elsewhere. Setting up more of a balance might help. For example, when the readers are introduced to Calvin for the first time...that's the perfect opportunity for more detail. That's where you really get inside the head of your main character and put your heart into what he's looking at. You know that cliché moment in movies, where the guy sees the girl of his dreams for the first time? And she's moving in slow motion with some weird invisible 'fan' blowing her hair back...hehehe, as though anybody just randomly sits around making sexy poses in public. Anyway, that's how your readers should see Calvin for the first time. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Untouchable. Definitely go all the way and put them in the middle of that magic moment. What does his hair look like, what do his eyes look like, describe his skin, his neck, his clothes, whatever. How does your character feel what is he thinking about him, how is his body reacting to seeing this beauty right in front of him? All of that is a great way to finesse the writing and really make it shine. Paint that picture like Michelangelo. House painters 'get the job done' sure, but you're creating a masterpiece here. I know you can do that.

 

Also, the history that you built around him and his past were there to add depth, and their interactions were fine, but I felt that that too went a little bit too fast. I tend to overdo the 'angst' thing sometimes myself, so you don't have to go that far. But I think a bit more time getting to know one another and fall in love is always a good thing. Even if it's just creating a few romantic moments, or a few everyday conversations and shared laughs, really help to build up an emotional investment with the characters. So, once again...your concept is great, but slow down and let it evolve naturally. No need to jump forward to get to the next big scene, you'll get there in time. Give the readers some time to experience a little mystery and romance while absorbing the rest of your story.

 

One of the other things that I noticed is a lot of other details that didn't necessarily have a future impact on the story later. That's always something to watch for. It's always good to take notes and make sure that you know who your characters are, what the big plot points of your story are going to be, and have at least a semi-detailed idea of how you want it to end, before you start writing. That way, every time you introduce a new character or have a certain event take place, it acts as 'foreshadowing' for the ultimate end of the story. The big example here was the character, 'Marcus'. The boy in the bathroom. You did spend time giving him a bit of a back-story and a personality, but then he vanishes. So that was almost like a quick distraction. NOW...if the blood sacrifice was taking place, and we all discovered that Marcus, the poor little boy that was picked on by everybody and dismissed as unimportant, turned out to be the only one who could stop the carnage, and he rushed in to save the day...then that would have been different. Because then the readers could think back to earlier in the story and say, 'oh yeah, because he saved him from getting beat up a few chapters back', and a connection would be made. Always make sure that the characters you describe and introduce to the reader will be a part of the story's natural progression. If you can tell a whole story without a character's involvement, then cut them out. 'Jesse' can be a fun character to write, but if he's not a part of the major plot, either cut him out, or cut his parts down to little pieces of dialogue or comic relief. Like I said, you built a big concept with teachers and 'Chosen Few' and demons and love interests and you have a whole history there to explore...but for a story this size, you might have to cut down on the characters and just focus on the two or three that have the most impact.

 

OR...like I said in the beginning, you could go all out and really stretch the story out with details and a huge cast of characters and turn it into this epic, multi chapter, saga where you can explore everything that you want to explore fully, and without limitations. Either way, as long as you're still focused, you could turn it into one hell of a series. Just needs balance.

 

So there we go! Love the concept, but I think you would do best to either expand on the details and make the story longer, or cut down on the overall theme. The only thing I can see wrong with it is that you seemed to have gotten caught in the middle somewhere. If you want, send me an email after the holidays and we can go over a few scenes together to talk about finding that balance. Cool?

 

And keep writing! The more practice you get, the better you'll be. I mean have you SEEN "New Kid", Chapter 1??? Ugh!!!

 

 

 

 

[Johnathan Colourfield]

I'll respond in bold or something funky

Now, this is definitely one of those stories that I think was maybe 5 or 6 chapters too short. I know that I do the same thing a lot when it comes to stories that are only supposed to be one or two chapters long, or something 'solo' for the anthology. Because I try to come up with this huge concept, and it doesn't always 'fit' into just one story. That's kind of what I see happening here. The concept seems to be a bit too big to fit into the chapters you've given us.

 

Oh yeah, I come up with the concept and to just write it, i tried the technique of not stopping writing and planning. I had where i started and where i ended

The one thing that stands out is the sheer variety of details in some places, and a lack of details elsewhere. Setting up more of a balance might help. For example, when the readers are introduced to Calvin for the first time...that's the perfect opportunity for more detail. That's where you really get inside the head of your main character and put your heart into what he's looking at. You know that cliché moment in movies, where the guy sees the girl of his dreams for the first time? And she's moving in slow motion with some weird invisible 'fan' blowing her hair back...hehehe, as though anybody just randomly sits around making sexy poses in public. Anyway, that's how your readers should see Calvin for the first time. Beautiful. Breathtaking. Untouchable. Definitely go all the way and put them in the middle of that magic moment. What does his hair look like, what do his eyes look like, describe his skin, his neck, his clothes, whatever. How does your character feel what is he thinking about him, how is his body reacting to seeing this beauty right in front of him? All of that is a great way to finesse the writing and really make it shine. Paint that picture like Michelangelo. House painters 'get the job done' sure, but you're creating a masterpiece here. I know you can do that.

I see what you mean... Its really difficult because i didnt want it to be all about them, i was trying to focus on the bigger picture. I didnt stop in this story Like i started and didnt stop writing till i finished the story.

Also, the history that you built around him and his past were there to add depth, and their interactions were fine, but I felt that that too went a little bit too fast. I tend to overdo the 'angst' thing sometimes myself, so you don't have to go that far. But I think a bit more time getting to know one another and fall in love is always a good thing. Even if it's just creating a few romantic moments, or a few everyday conversations and shared laughs, really help to build up an emotional investment with the characters. So, once again...your concept is great, but slow down and let it evolve naturally. No need to jump forward to get to the next big scene, you'll get there in time. Give the readers some time to experience a little mystery and romance while absorbing the rest of your story.

 

Hmmm true I am going to attempt to rewrite

One of the other things that I noticed is a lot of other details that didn't necessarily have a future impact on the story later. That's always something to watch for. It's always good to take notes and make sure that you know who your characters are, what the big plot points of your story are going to be, and have at least a semi-detailed idea of how you want it to end, before you start writing. That way, every time you introduce a new character or have a certain event take place, it acts as 'foreshadowing' for the ultimate end of the story. The big example here was the character, 'Marcus'. The boy in the bathroom. You did spend time giving him a bit of a back-story and a personality, but then he vanishes. So that was almost like a quick distraction. NOW...if the blood sacrifice was taking place, and we all discovered that Marcus, the poor little boy that was picked on by everybody and dismissed as unimportant, turned out to be the only one who could stop the carnage, and he rushed in to save the day...then that would have been different. Because then the readers could think back to earlier in the story and say, 'oh yeah, because he saved him from getting beat up a few chapters back', and a connection would be made. Always make sure that the characters you describe and introduce to the reader will be a part of the story's natural progression. If you can tell a whole story without a character's involvement, then cut them out. 'Jesse' can be a fun character to write, but if he's not a part of the major plot, either cut him out, or cut his parts down to little pieces of dialogue or comic relief. Like I said, you built a big concept with teachers and 'Chosen Few' and demons and love interests and you have a whole history there to explore...but for a story this size, you might have to cut down on the characters and just focus on the two or three that have the most impact.

 

EEP! Yeah i did notice that rereading, i wanted it to be a quick sharp story. But maybe i do need to do a bit more expansion This was just a writing exercize to see if could write in nephy's style. I know i have to stick to my own style for a story to be 'mine' if you know what i mean?

 

OR...like I said in the beginning, you could go all out and really stretch the story out with details and a huge cast of characters and turn it into this epic, multi chapter, saga where you can explore everything that you want to explore fully, and without limitations. Either way, as long as you're still focused, you could turn it into one hell of a series. Just needs balance.

 

So there we go! Love the concept, but I think you would do best to either expand on the details and make the story longer, or cut down on the overall theme. The only thing I can see wrong with it is that you seemed to have gotten caught in the middle somewhere. If you want, send me an email after the holidays and we can go over a few scenes together to talk about finding that balance. Cool?

 

And keep writing! The more practice you get, the better you'll be. I mean have you SEEN "New Kid", Chapter 1??? Ugh!!!

 

Awww i definately see what you mean, i'm glad you think it is good I did try to fit lots into a small space i agree completely And i'd love to com I wont have much time to write over the coming months but i will try to churn it out. I am in the process of a new story involving my main couple and their involvement in a certain event and also the cult makes a return

THANKS