Dean Warner Intrigues

[Daddydavek]

I'm in the process of posting my first story. There is a learning curve and I promise I will get the process down---eventually.

 

I didn't run it past any beta readers or editors and I know, it shows.

 

I haven't had any time for the past several weeks to do any serious writing or re-writing. The story was written last fall and early winter. It has been sitting and I finally just decided to post it and see if there was any reaction.

 

I would appreciate any feedback.

 

The story can be found here: https://www.gayauthors.org/story/daddydavek/deanwarnerintrigues

[MJ85]

I don't necessarily think that not having the story edited or beta-ed is really having an effect on it so far. I mean, I could see a couple spots with some proofreading mistakes, but overall, I don't think the story is really suffering.

 

The way this story is structured so far kind of reminds me of The Crying Game, actually, where it started out as a thriller before delving into the more, erm...intimate, matters. (Though the thriller plot did come back, though not quite as heavy as before.) The events are obviously quite different, but so far this has taken on a pretty similar tack.

 

Looking forward to what comes next!

[Daddydavek]

I don't necessarily think that not having the story edited or beta-ed is really having an effect on it so far. I mean, I could see a couple spots with some proofreading mistakes, but overall, I don't think the story is really suffering.

 

The way this story is structured so far kind of reminds me of The Crying Game, actually, where it started out as a thriller before delving into the more, erm...intimate, matters. (Though the thriller plot did come back, though not quite as heavy as before.) The events are obviously quite different, but so far this has taken on a pretty similar tack.

 

Looking forward to what comes next!

 

Thanks for your input. I did write and re-write this myself several times last fall. My fumble fingers, quirky spellcheckers and poor skills at cutting and pasting are certainly responsible for any errors.

 

I promise you that there is more intrigue to come along with the fact that this is a coming of age and first relationship for our young protagonist. I hope you continue to enjoy the story. I leave for the beach on June 1, but have a few chapters queued up.

[Kookie]

Excellent story so far. I hope you continue it when you return from vacation.

[Daddydavek]

Excellent story so far. I hope you continue it when you return from vacation.

 

Thanks for the positive comments. I have the story completely written. I should be able to start posting again next Wednesday. I just have to be home and at my desktop to do it right.

[Kookie]

Continues to be a very intriguing story. I read the chapter review concerning unneeded wording and details, but I believe it adds to the story. In technical writing, yes stick to the facts and clearly state the conclusions and goals etc. Clear technical writing requires brevity and has to be "hard-hitting". But non-technical writing it is more desireable, imo, to pull the audience in the world of the characters. I believe you have achieved that.

 

Now, I have a few comments on last couple chapters. What is security doing allowing Roy to stay in the suite with Sean overnight? If he was a bad guy, Dean could be hurt while he was sleeping easily and before security could respond.

 

Also, I am going out on a limb and name Sean as the culprit for leaking info to the bad guys. It appears to me that Sean has weasled himself in a position to become more involved with Dean and John since this whole thing began.

Edited June 18, 2012 by Kookie

[Daddydavek]

Continues to be a very intriguing story. I read the chapter review concerning unneeded wording and details, but I believe it adds to the story. In technical writing, yes stick to the facts and clearly state the conclusions and goals etc. Clear technical writing requires brevity and has to be "hard-hitting". But non-technical writing it is more desireable, imo, to pull the audience in the world of the characters. I believe you have achieved that.

 

Now, I have a few comments on last couple chapters. What is security doing allowing Roy to stay in the suite with Sean overnight? If he was a bad guy, Dean could be hurt while he was sleeping easily and before security could respond.

 

Also, I am going out on a limb and name Sean as the culprit for leaking info to the bad guys. It appears to me that Sean has weasled himself in a position to become more involved with Dean and John since this whole thing began.

 

Thanks for taking the time to review and provide your thoughts. I agree with setting the scene with details but in fairness I think I do go overboard a bit.

 

I'm not really giving anything away to state that efficient security can check out someone pretty quickly and I think you can assume Roy was not found to be a risk. Sean may be many things, but he has been Dean's neighbor since Dean was a child. I think the Trask security and the authorities would have him checked out pretty thoroughly as well.

[Daddydavek]

The last chapter posted today and the epilogue posts on Saturday. I just wanted to thank all the people who took the time to read my story. I especially want to thank those that took the time to review or like it.

[Kookie]

Thank you for this story. I hope you write and post many more.

[MJ85]

It's over already? I'm shocked at the sudden ending, it doesn't really feel like it's done!

[Daddydavek]

Hopefully the epilogue will suffice!

[MikeL]

Great story, Dave! A love story/mystery is not often seen here. It was a nice change. I'll be looking forward to your next story.

 

Newt Becker is a genius.

[Daddydavek]

Thanks! Glad you liked it!