Gaydar: real or myth?

[C James]

That's possible. He at least explored having sex with a co-ed. He warned me that he might need not to be interrupted in the room some time. I don't think he ever mentioned much of anything about it to me afterward. In our "father figure" discussion, he said that he had cast other guys in that role before, but of course he never said if this ever had lead to any kind of physical relationship.

 

By the end of the school year, when he hopped on his motorcycle and headed for San Francisco, I suspect that he had it all pretty well figured out, even if I hadn't.

 

Looking back on my own denial, I can only say that, however obvious it may appear in retrospect, denial can cloud the issue.

 

Sorry that worked out the way it did. It's things like that (lost relationships due to the fear of homophobia) that make me most hate the modern (as opposed to pre-christian era times) sexual mores and taboos.

 

Note: My reference to pre-christian era times was not a slam against Christianity, just a convenient chronological demarcation.

 

and have been back in a long distance relationship with my old college partner since 1991.

 

That is great! I really love to see things work out like that.

 

My gaydar leads me to the opposite direction. Gets me in trouble. I mean, it would have been useful if it makes me see guys who are gay and not ones I would think are gay. As for signs, well, I can't tell. Sometimes a person does something that makes you go "yeah, gay" but then he turns out to be a complete homophobe!!!

 

Sorry for ranting like a guy with a broken gaydar, which I am.

 

Mine isn't exactly great, either, so I know how you feel, sort of. Fortunately, mine is bad enough that I am far more inclined to assume that a gay guy is straight than visa-versa.

 

As someone else pointed out, though: a deeply closeted guy who gets "gaydared" might certainly act like a homophobe. I was so deep in the cloest in high school that I wasn't even out to myself, so I know all too well how I reacted if I even thought someone had implied I was gay: I denied it, and made a few mildly homophobic comments to make sure I left no doubt.

 

Looking back, I know of course that it was truly dumb of me, but back then, I couldn't even accept myself. Had I been "gaydared", I'm pretty sure (as much as it pains me now to admit it) I'd have come across like a homophobic jock (not violent, but just verbal).

 

Mine works when I'm reading a story....like one time I was reading a Dom Luka story, and my gaydar kicked in and I just knew that some of the characters were going to be gay even before I started reading it

 

Mine works about as well in stories as it does in real life.

 

I think you are referring to Desert Dropping? I'll avoid being specific in case anyone here hasn't read it (If so, go read it, it's great!) but the only thing I can remember that even comes close to "gaydaring" the characters was thinking something along the lines of "wouldn't it be cool if..."

 

When I finally started reading the forums, long after that time, I was astounded to see that some people had clued in right away.

 

Ben, Kevin, & jaRED all have some good points.

 

Gaydar isn't one technique or one sign to look for....It's a combination of lots of little things to keep an eye out for that can be give a strong indication as to whether someone is Gay or not.

 

I've always found that the 'eyes don't lie'. As jaRED said, if you can observe where someone is looking (without them knowing they are being watched), you can get a real good indication if they are gay if they are staring at cute guys or their asses for that second too long. Also, it's pretty obvious if they lick their lips at the same time .

 

While some people have natural Gaydar talent, others have to continue to hone and improve their gaydar with time and practice.

 

Observe and peoplewatch...your Gaydar will then be the best on the block.

 

After years of practice, I can indeed, finally, pick up on very subtle signs. One sign is if I see a guy kissing another guy... Another would be if he mentions his current or ex boyfriend. Then, I do get a ping, but other than that, I mis-read no matter how much I watch.

 

Then again, around here, there just aren't hardly any gay people, or, for that matter, hot guys, so seeing who they watch doesn't work too well.

[Eddy]

Ben, Kevin, & jaRED all have some good points.

 

And as Ben said, don't confuse Wishdar with Gaydar. Cause you can't make a guy gay just by wishing for hit hard enough

 

But then -- the right person and the right time -- most any person might be a "Queen for a Day" -- people can be strange -- Yes??? :king:

[Boy In Doubt]

I guess the reason why it's hard to just 'know' is cause we're all different. Except for the fact that we're attracted to the same sex. Is that the only thing we have in common?

[glomph]

After years of practice, I can indeed, finally, pick up on very subtle signs. One sign is if I see a guy kissing another guy... Another would be if he mentions his current or ex boyfriend. Then, I do get a ping, but other than that, I mis-read no matter how much I watch.

 

Something a bit more subtle is when a guy mentions his "partner." And then I want to ask, "Are you a lawyer or do you have a small business."

 

But then, sometimes his partner is also his "partner."

 

And does it make a difference if you are in Texas?

[Etienne]

[

"So, has anyone here ever seen gaydar in action in real life, in situations where clues are not obvious?"

 

 

Yes I have, on more than one occasion. I knew a straight woman in the early seventies, who always knew when she encountered anyone who was gay, even if they were not sure about it themselves, and I repeat always.

 

I don't think she really picked up on specifics, she merely had a sixth sense of some sort and could 'read' people, for want of a better word.

 

So, from my experience, it's real. To have it to the degree that June (her name) had it is very rare, but I have seen various people over the years with various degrees of gaydar.

[C James]

I guess the reason why it's hard to just 'know' is cause we're all different. Except for the fact that we're attracted to the same sex. Is that the only thing we have in common?

 

In my opinion, I'd say that yes, the only thing we (gay men in this case) have in common is an attraction to the same sex. Individual tastes and preferences seem to vary as to what specific members of the same sex we are attracted to, and how, and of course personality traits vary from individual to individual.

 

"So, has anyone here ever seen gaydar in action in real life, in situations where clues are not obvious?"

Yes I have, on more than one occasion. I knew a straight woman in the early seventies, who always knew when she encountered anyone who was gay, even if they were not sure about it themselves, and I repeat always.

 

I don't think she really picked up on specifics, she merely had a sixth sense of some sort and could 'read' people, for want of a better word.

 

So, from my experience, it's real. To have it to the degree that June (her name) had it is very rare, but I have seen various people over the years with various degrees of gaydar.

 

Thank you, Etienne. That's what I was looking for. I'd never expected to see it occur in straight people though! I think a straight person with Gaydar is many closeted gay folks' potential worst nightmare.

[Etienne]

In my opinion, I'd say that yes, the only thing we (gay men in this case) have in common is an attraction to the same sex. Individual tastes and preferences seem to vary as to what specific members of the same sex we are attracted to, and how, and of course personality traits vary from individual to individual.

Thank you, Etienne. That's what I was looking for. I'd never expected to see it occur in straight people though! I think a straight person with Gaydar is many closeted gay folks' potential worst nightmare.

 

In retrospect, I am not 100% certain that she was totally straight. I had just emerged from my comfy little closet, and she and a nurse friend of hers fixed me up with a gay acquaintance of theirs. Looking back over the decades, I sometimes wonder if she was 100% straight. However, straight or not, her instincts were spot on.

[Guest raz]

After years of practice, I can indeed, finally, pick up on very subtle signs. One sign is if I see a guy kissing another guy... Another would be if he mentions his current or ex boyfriend. Then, I do get a ping, but other than that, I mis-read no matter how much I watch.

 

Then again, around here, there just aren't hardly any gay people, or, for that matter, hot guys, so seeing who they watch doesn't work too well.

 

It'll be years till I reach that level.

 

Same here. Even though it's la.. I have no idea where all these hot gay people that everyone seems to believe live here are. Whenever I find someone who's hot and I believe could be gay... their girlfriend comes along and kisses them. :wacko:

[rknapp]

My Gaydar's polarity was reversed at the factory, and they refuse to honor the warranty! I used to be able to tell when someone was gay by their mannerisms, manner of dress, etc... then metrosexuality came in and fudged that up. So now the only way I can tell that someone is gay is if he has a cock down his throat. Kissing doesn't count, courtesy of the French and the Italians. Unless they're making out of course.

 

I sometimes work the register at the department store I work at, and there have been several customers whose sexuality I have questioned. Each time, though, it was because they were two guys in their mid-to-late 30's who were shopping together for nice clothing... kind of a giveaway, but still useless to me.

 

As for the experience to know what to look for... my experience has led me to be wary around possible gay guys. I've physically encountered three in my lifetime. Two I never talked to, so they're out the window. The one that I did talk to, was clearly trying to warm me up to idea of sex and get me in the sack. We hung out one night, and as I was leaving, he chose to grab my ass down the hallway. A couple days later I was rubbing one out before heading home for the weekend, and he IM's me, asking me what I was doing. I told the truth and he said to come over. I did, and he blew me. After that, he made several attempts to get together again, all for sexual purposes, and I declined every time. Haven't spoken to him in many months now. I'm not sure if it was the idea that because he's bisexual, he'd only want to sex me up, or because he was short, stocky, and black. And I'm not being a racist like Kevin (lol j/k Kev). At any rate, I gave up the search before I started and now I just get a good glimpse of some eye-candy and move on. Fantasize about the guy or girl in question (I seem to be a fan of tight asses, hehe) and never persue it. If the topic of sex or love comes up, I avoid it. When the people I've told about my blowjob ask about it, I avoid the use of gender specific terms, and then find some way to dispell thoughts of "gayness", for the lack of a better term.

 

I must say I've done a very good job at flying under all radars. I've been told that I'm very hard to read, and I simply reply with "that's a good thing" and change the subject.

 

Oi.

[C James]

Speaking as a mostly straight (I hate labels) person, I can relate to Etienne's description of June. I have excellent gaydar, and it's just a "sixth sense" kind of thing, a recognition or knowing. It generally doesn't have that much to do with specific external clues, because nowadays those are very hard to read.

In my opinion, I'd say that yes, the only thing we (gay men in this case) have in common is an attraction to the same sex. Individual tastes and preferences seem to vary as to what specific members of the same sex we are attracted to, and how, and of course personality traits vary from individual to individual.

Thank you, Etienne. That's what I was looking for. I'd never expected to see it occur in straight people though! I think a straight person with Gaydar is many closeted gay folks' potential worst nightmare.

 

Could you be more specific about what you mean? I guess if the person were malicious and tried to "out" the person, or otherwise take advantage ...

 

The way I could see that working is just my knowing the truth, if they're trying to hide it, either from others or themselves. Knowledge and awareness are very powerful things.

 

(Not that I could ever "know" 100% for sure, unless and until it was confirmed.)

 

I should have been more clear, as my statement, as written, could certainly be read in differing ways.

OK, my first thought was of a homophobic gay-basher with gaydar. That would certainly not be a pleasant thing for a closeted gay person to contemplate.

 

My other thought was that for the deeply closeted, ANY threat to their "secret" is often viewed with fear. I well remember myself, in my first months after I'd finally admitted to myself that I was gay, taking pains to avoid being around any gay guys, out of fear that they, being like me, might "figure me out".

 

It wasn't rational, of course, but it was very real to me. In fact, it was only after a few times being around gay guys, and having them not "figure me out", that I became comfortable being around them. I'm glad I hadn't really heard of Gaydar back then, or I'd have probably been even more skittish!

 

It'll be years till I reach that level.

 

Same here. Even though it's la.. I have no idea where all these hot gay people that everyone seems to believe live here are. Whenever I find someone who's hot and I believe could be gay... their girlfriend comes along and kisses them. :wacko:

 

I've had that happen, plenty of times! There was even one guy who "pinged" my gaydar, because he had a rainbow sticker on his car bumper! (yep, one of those very subbtle clues...) So, one day, I came out to him (this was back when I was in the closet) and was rather horrified to have him reply that he was stright! Turned out that it was on the car when he bought it, and once he figured out what it was, he thought it was funny how people reacted to it (both gay and stright) so left it on! He sure wasn't a homophobe (as it turned out), so that was great, but that was the first time I'd ever outed myself to a stright male, and it was a bit of a confusing shock! :wacko:

 

My Gaydar's polarity was reversed at the factory, and they refuse to honor the warranty! I used to be able to tell when someone was gay by their mannerisms, manner of dress, etc... then metrosexuality came in and fudged that up. So now the only way I can tell that someone is gay is if he has a cock down his throat. Kissing doesn't count, courtesy of the French and the Italians. Unless they're making out of course.

 

I sometimes work the register at the department store I work at, and there have been several customers whose sexuality I have questioned. Each time, though, it was because they were two guys in their mid-to-late 30's who were shopping together for nice clothing... kind of a giveaway, but still useless to me.

 

As for the experience to know what to look for... my experience has led me to be wary around possible gay guys. I've physically encountered three in my lifetime. Two I never talked to, so they're out the window. The one that I did talk to, was clearly trying to warm me up to idea of sex and get me in the sack. We hung out one night, and as I was leaving, he chose to grab my ass down the hallway. A couple days later I was rubbing one out before heading home for the weekend, and he IM's me, asking me what I was doing. I told the truth and he said to come over. I did, and he blew me. After that, he made several attempts to get together again, all for sexual purposes, and I declined every time. Haven't spoken to him in many months now. I'm not sure if it was the idea that because he's bisexual, he'd only want to sex me up, or because he was short, stocky, and black. And I'm not being a racist like Kevin (lol j/k Kev). At any rate, I gave up the search before I started and now I just get a good glimpse of some eye-candy and move on. Fantasize about the guy or girl in question (I seem to be a fan of tight asses, hehe) and never persue it. If the topic of sex or love comes up, I avoid it. When the people I've told about my blowjob ask about it, I avoid the use of gender specific terms, and then find some way to dispell thoughts of "gayness", for the lack of a better term.

 

I must say I've done a very good job at flying under all radars. I've been told that I'm very hard to read, and I simply reply with "that's a good thing" and change the subject.

 

Oi.

 

Please don't take offence, but you sound a lot like me in some regards when I was your age. I'd only very recently accepted that I was gay, and the few gay guys I'd encountered made me exceedingly nervous, but in my case it was to the point of me taking pains to hide my sexuality from them.

 

Basically, they seemed, as you say, to want one thing only: sex. Promiscuity has never been my thing, so that was a huge turn-off to me. I have nothing against those who are promiscuous, but it's just not for me. Nothing to do with "morality", just not something I'm into.

 

The first gay guys I encountered seemed to fall into two categories: closeted, and only interested in hooking up for sex, or out, and promiscuous.

 

Sure, I'd see a hot guy and fantasize, but even if they were gay I doubt I'd have done anything about it. Then (and now), really hot guys make me nervous, and even moreso if they are gay!

 

I was exceedingly fortunate that I'd ended up being the roommate of the guy I mentioned early in this thread. As things turned out, he was gay, and absolutely fit my definition of hot, and by the time we got physical I knew him well as a friend. It also probably helped that I had no clue that he was gay. As it happened, he was relationship-oriented too, and he not only became my boyfriend but also my "tutor" regarding the "gay world". He had been out for several years (I just didn't know) and in many ways shared my opinions about gay guys who were out for nothing but sex. That, however, hadn't stopped him from making a move on a guy (me) he thought was straight! I am sure glad he did though!

 

After we broke up (amicably, due to him moving and us having figured out that we weren't really in love) I did have a different attitude. I was much more willing to actually meet gay guys, and was ok with them knowing that I was gay. I just learned to be very up-front about the fact that I wasn't looking to hook up.

 

Just a suggestion from one who learned the hard way: Keep doing only what you want to do, but try and keep an eye open in case you meet up with a guy you could really click with. Although in my case the guy I mentioned didn't work out long term, I wouldn't trade those months as a couple for anything in the world.

[rknapp]

The problem is discerning metro from homo. I wonder if Kurtie would let me borrow his lesbian friend for a while...

[C James]

The problem is discerning metro from homo. I wonder if Kurtie would let me borrow his lesbian friend for a while...

 

I don't have any trouble with Metresexuals, as they don't ping my gaydar.. (then again, neither do gays). One good thing in my opinion: I've yet to meet a homophobic Metrosexual. So, I don't worry too much about "misidentifying". I might be wrong (if, indeed, there are homophobic metrosexuals) but as the ones I've encountered (very few, as the norm in my area is "redneck") seem gay-friendly, I'm delighted with this trend.

 

Good luck with the gaydar-finding!

[Former Member]

I have great gaydar...though that I may have to do with assuming a guy is gay until he does something "straight" (like making out with girls, etc) and even then I'm not convinced.

 

-Kayla-

[rknapp]

I don't have any trouble with Metresexuals, as they don't ping my gaydar.. (then again, neither do gays). One good thing in my opinion: I've yet to meet a homophobic Metrosexual. So, I don't worry too much about "misidentifying". I might be wrong (if, indeed, there are homophobic metrosexuals) but as the ones I've encountered (very few, as the norm in my area is "redneck") seem gay-friendly, I'm delighted with this trend.

 

Good luck with the gaydar-finding!

 

That reminds me of show that Ron White did recently... "You can't fix stupid." He described one night in the city where he got arrested for being "drunk in public," when he was three sheets to the wind and the bar manager asked him to remove his hat. Apparently, only queers wear those hats. They know someone is queer when they wear one and boot them from the bar. Well, Mr. White said "in Texas, we know someone is queer when they look like..... you," and the manager apparently didn't like that very much haha.

[JSmith]

That reminds me of show that Ron White did recently... "You can't fix stupid." He described one night in the city where he got arrested for being "drunk in public," when he was three sheets to the wind and the bar manager asked him to remove his hat. Apparently, only queers wear those hats. They know someone is queer when they wear one and boot them from the bar. Well, Mr. White said "in Texas, we know someone is queer when they look like..... you," and the manager apparently didn't like that very much haha.

 

Oh wow, I just listened to that a few days ago! I love Ron White's drunken comedy Carlos Mencia is still my favorite though.

 

As for the gaydar... mine goes both ways. There are times where I think someone is gay and have a real strong feeling that they are, but I'm never for sure (except for the ones that make it obvious). I had a run-in with a guy I met in a study hall class who I thought was gay (and I hoped was gay because he was hot! ) based on nothing really. Just a feeling. Turns out I was right. At least I think I was, never really confirmed it. Heh, did nothing for me knowing he was gay though because I didn't have the courage to go and talk to him

[LittleBuddhaTW]

My gaydar has been known to be highly accurate.

 

Actually, it's all about knowing how to read people in general. Like, I could tell from the first time that I chatted with BoyNeedsTherapy that he was a TOTAL poofter!!!

 

*Smoochies for Benny*

 

Buddha

[T.J.]

hmm

Edited January 15, 2009 by becketttj