Circle

If Edward had bothered to count, it was five years and seven months, or two thousand and thirty-seven days, before he had his first visitor. By now, he wasn’t expecting one. He thought he was forgotten, which explained the incredulous look he gave when a guard announced that someone had come for him. Finally. Should he be moved, or should he be angry? Moved, because he thought he was no longer a living person, irredeemable. Angry, because it took so long before anyone managed to pluck up their c

Meat. There was no meat. He hadn’t been given any meat for a few months now, all because of those Saradominist priests and their beliefs that meat stirred up inappropriate thoughts and desires in men. Meat had been the cause of his defect and why imprisonment, along with beating and torturing, had not been as effective as they had hoped. What surprised Edward was that the old King believed those evil cultists. Desperate people would believe anything. Then the order came that he was not to be giv

Generally, I'm a bit mixed about this. You did many things right, and I probably couldn't have resolved the regret any better, and you gave the correct idea about forgiveness, the process of forgiving, and regret, but I didn't like the execution so much. Allow me to explain.'I heard Matt wake up and mumble a short description of where he was going before he got out of bed and made ready for his day.'--You began the chapter with four consecutive paragraphs beginning with I. Try vary it a bit. I have mentioned this before, and I will mention it again. That a sentence is not a paragraph, and if you break them up like this it damages the flow. Where you decide to paragraph also seems random. A paragraph is a group of sentences packed together to express a common idea or topic. There are places where these fragments work better as one paragraph, and vice versa. It's not consistent. The start stop approach by having so many sentences suspended along the page really makes the story sound more choppy, like bullet points, than it should be.'I would have to tell Matt about Owen, that much was certain; Ynana would see a dark stain to be removed, I was sure of it.'--Your sentence structures get a little repetitive, and this demonstrates my point best. To avoid monotony you need to vary it sometimes. It would make the prose a lot more interesting.'No, Matt wasn’t going to die...He had promised me...but could he even make that sort of promise?'--The use of ellipsis is not consistent here. Have you decided where exactly the sentence stops? Careful spacing and capitalisation is needed.'“Ok...Ynana.”'--Okay, not ok. Ok, arguably, is text speak, an abbreviation that ought to be avoided in formal writing.“Do you know why I am here Daniel?”--On multiple occasions, almost all, you missed out the comma of address. While a pause may not be significant in real life speech, it is good grammar to put in the comma of address. Also, I'd like to add that British novels generally use ' ' for dialogue speech, and the American generally use " ".'“Matt has asked me to look into your soul, to find any traces of doubt that must be purged before you can train.'--I see no reason why this should be broken into two paragraphs. It's obviously two sentences, and I see no particular effect, literary or otherwise, is achieved by this split."As he sat on the edge of the bed I felt myself relax slightly, and I leaned back slightly into the bed."--The repetition of 'slightly' hurts the flow. Could you find a synonym?“Dan, I’m going to slowly cause you to slip from consciousness.--You used slowly in the last paragraph already, and the split infinitive didn’t help to increase the flow, or achieve much so it should be avoided.--The memories part actually seem rushed. It would have had more impact if you slow it down, and take the time to investigate the undercurrents in the situation. For me, as a reader, I wasn’t given any time to comprehend fully what is going on, before the next thing happens.'How I knew what house he lived at was beyond me.'--I am not actually sure if I could believe that. He didn't know where he lived, yet he went to his house anyway? Unless of course, the town has only two houses. A novelist's job is to lie. I think the lie should have been more convincing.'The one whom I am romantically attached to but not sexual with.”'--Sexually, not sexual, if you break down the sentence. Might have just been an oversight.'Although I had been expecting this, the deliverance still made me reel.'--Are you sure the word deliverance is suitable here? Or indeed, what you mean? Deliverance means rescue, and what Dan is experiencing at that point was not rescue.My points are entirely up to you to take up on, but I do believe they are worth considering. Most of which I consulted numerous grammatical books and writing guides, and I guess, if you seriously wish to improve your writing, these are some points to get your started.

You know something? I ate Nephy's hair when we hugged . And you're definitely not what you described yourself to be! I've enjoyed the meet. It wasn't that scary after all.

Edward smiled to himself as a squire approached, reluctantly, and informed him that the King requested his audience immediately in the dining hall. It was probable that the King would now share the dealings he has had with King Vallance on the night before, particularly concerning Jasmine. There would be a summary on what was said and what he expected Edward to do – it was all routine now, every time after a visit. The time wasn’t right yet, Edward thought, to reveal to his father of his intenti

Thanks for reading . I actually rather think the somber style fits in with the spectrum of the story. While the majority of stories here use the model of 'dialogue propels action and the story', I chose a different design in this, to reduce dialogues, and achieve a new depth of understanding of the human minds. But if monotony begins to appear, this is what I'll look into. And I suppose this world is based in the real world somewhat. As for what the characters look like, I largely let my readers imagine the details. When it comes to charactersation, I stress on the personality of the character so readers get to know them on a personal level, rather than by vision. These artistic choices that I made, I think, would be revealed near the end...

Being the keeper of a terrible secret certainly helped his confidence, but it made him restless and it was impossible to sleep. He replayed the whole scene in his mind, his heart throbbed with excitement as he once again recalled every detail, every word that was said in the room. Though the details of the event never changed, his perception of it would in the coming years, and so too would its meaning and its significance, as he began to realise that it was not the act, what his brother did, th

Thanks for reading! Yes I agree the chapter is quite dry like that. But basically, a lot of the events in the first part of the chapter weren't important (like necessary evils you have to include to make this story make sense) so I opted for telling to get it over and done with, so we could get to the more relevant stuff such as the altar scene. That said, the story only picks up speed from Chapter 3. I'll look into the candle thing. Once again thank you

The remaining hours of that afternoon, at least to Ronny, passed by in a blur of activities in which he had no interest and by which he was completely bored. King Vallance from Falador was expected along with his beautiful daughter, Jasmine, and preparations preceded their arrival kept all staff in a foul mood. The enormity of the task – having the suits of armour and glass windows shined and polished to the last centimetre, the floors washed and mopped, the garden tended to and all bins emptied

Cloudy vision! Yay! Nice spot. And things generally start to happen to him when he's out of bed! . Thanks for visiting me, Q

Really nice. I like it. How's it going, Louis? I'll give you reps for this. Keep up the good work

Hey, Kavrik. First of all, thank you very much for taking an interest in my story and reading it . The pet analogy was interesting, although, they might be pretending so they could feed off us! . Either case it is mutually beneficial, the pet keeping up their acts and humans deluded themselves they are being liked.Yeah, some people are like that. But it is 'pleasant', generally, to talk about oneself and receive appreciation, which is what our young prince here vaguely recognises.And please, the honour is mine .

Is everything a choice? At what point do we decide it is a conscious decision? How do we tell the right from the wrong, when we could be just as confused as those we condemn? It is, of course, not everyday that we tell our brothers we love them. Under what obligation were we to love them anyway? This story follows the lives of two brothers, and how, in a confused moment, a catastrophe was born.

'When it’s gone, you'll know what a gift love was. You'll suffer like this. So go back and fight to keep it.’ ~Ian McEwan, Enduring Love, 1997. He was the kind of teenager who, when asked privately, would reply without hesitation that his life was not worth living and he wanted to kill himself. If only that were possible. Even when depressed – so very depressed – to commit suicide would require the kind of courage he knew he did not possess. Nobody needed him. Nobody would particularly ca

Mmm, I've read everything so far, so it's gonna be a review of everything up until this chapter. I was pleasant surprised when supernatural/fantasy elements were introduced to this story. It makes it a unique adventure and experience for reader, I think, and I'm seeing something new. I actually find myself gripped by the content and its story lines, so well done there. Dialogues were nice, and characters are believable. You've done a good job so far. If I had any constructive criticism to offer, it would probably be that I didn't like how the paragraphs were laid out. By definition, a paragraph is a group of sentences grouped together to express one subject, whereas in this story many paragraphs were in fact just one sentence, and that alone can't be a paragraph. While readers appreciate white space, too many would mean each paragraph/sentence is spaced out along the page, almost like bullet-points, and it severely disrupts the flow of the story, and how one sentence flows to the next. This also exaggerates the problem of several sentences (or indeed paragraph) starting with the same word. On multiple occasions there were a string of up to four paragraphs beginning with the words 'I' or 'The'. Try varying the sentence structures a little. I think that'll help. Keep it up

(Wow, you beat me to it.) I'm really mad right now. This was my original post anyway... Well, apparently it's struck midnight over here in the UK so it is now technically the 8th of October. Which means it's Emulated's 20th birthday! Happy 20th, Emu I hope you find the right guy you so deserved this year! And I said before that I'd do a little something for you, so here you go, lol. It took me longer than I thought. A word of warning for everyone else though - do not click the link below if you do not want to see my face XD

Victoria Statue sounds good. ...And I don't know the place well enough to organise anything about the hotels. Someone else should do it Edit: A suggestion - how about the Premier Inn just off Deansgate?

Damn. My one and only 'Crush' here on this site is Emulated, who is a wonderful person, and has the heart of gold. ...And he would not love me even if I were the last homosexual alive on this planet. But that doesn't stop me

Twilight is terrible. Harry Potter is better. Even Stephen King said, out of the two, Rowling is the one that can 'write'.

Living in Manchester here, so I would've voted for Manchester Manchester is definitely cheaper in terms of costs and being not a very rich individual myself... And Manchester is a big city and has its airport so it's not bad. Unless I have a personal guide, I probably will get lost in London and never make it home...lol.

Hello everybody. I'm new here and I like writing! Hopefully I'll get to meet some of you in the future!