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MidnightSecret

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  1. MidnightSecret

    History

    By MidnightSecret,

    6 years ago, I saw the most beautiful boy ever
    who asked me to be his first
    but never once said I love you.
    Instead, he would tell me
    that I couldn't put my hands on my hips
    because it made me look like a girl.
    My friends saw my tears and I told them
    that I deserved him.
     
    4 years ago, I kissed a boy
    who tasted like cigarettes and told me
    that he would always come save me
    even though he couldn't save himself.
    My friends watched from a distance
    and shook their heads in silence.
     
    2 years ago, there was a boy
    who suffocated me and told me
    that it was his way or no way,
    I'm only doing this because I care about you.
    I got drunk and told my friends about him
    and pretended I was happy.
     
    Since then, I wanted no one at all
    but when he walked into my life
    I didn't expect to fall but...
    he fought hard to keep all my demons away:
     
    "I love you."
    Nobody has ever said that to me.
    "You love me?" I asked, leaning towards him.
    He nodded.
    "Please say it again," I said. I let him wrap his arms around me.
    "I love you," he repeated.
     
    Please Stay.
  2. MidnightSecret

    I want this

    By MidnightSecret,

    It's not that I don't want to be with you.
    It's just that...
    We met at the wrong time.
    That's what I keep telling myself anyways.
    I wish this could be easier.
    Maybe one day,
    years from now,
    we'll meet in a coffee shop
    in a far away city somwehere
    & we could give it another shot.
  3. MidnightSecret

    Living with Ghosts

    By MidnightSecret,

    Dear The One Who Got Away,
     
    I don’t think I could ever forget you. & although I never said it directly, you know that I love you. I feel that I have loved you forever. It’s just that lately, things have been much harder - especially realizing that you’re not here with me.
     
    Truth be told, I’m sad and I'm tired of making up excuses for myself. Since you left, I’ve spent most of the time feeling lost and alone. It's as if I've been living a life full of ghosts.
     
    But that’s not who I want to be anymore - so it occured to me that it was time for me to let go and let myself be happy again. It's time for me to bury these ghosts. But I can’t do that with you.
     
    I’m so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I am left with the feeling that I have to do this. I don’t even have the slightest idea of what I’m going to do, but I know I have to do this. If I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll self destruct and worse, I’ll never learn to love again.
     
    Be safe, and I hope you do find happiness out there. Please know that I tried very hard. Know that you were my one and only. I’ll miss you with every beat of my heart. Our time together was everything I could’ve ever wanted. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Goodbye.
     
    Love always,
     
    The One Who's Moving On
  4. MidnightSecret

    want free money?

    By MidnightSecret,

    ‎'A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill.
    In the room of 200, he asked, “
    Who would like this $20 bill?”
    Hands started going up.
    He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.”
     
    He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.
    He then asked, “Who still wants it…?”
    Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do this...?”
    And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
    He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.
    “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
     
    “My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless.
     
    But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who do love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are. You are special; Don’t ever forget that.'
  5. MidnightSecret
    I didn't know what you saw in me,
    but I was grateful that you did
    because you were the only
    person who ever had.
     
    Up until then,
    I was strong...
    but you made me weak.
     
    the feeling petrified me.
     
    "cheer up, sweet beautiful boy.
    you are going to love again
    & it will be magnificent,"
    my mother had always told me.
     
    ...
     
     
    "to tell you the truth, I don't have much to offer.
    but I'll still give you everything I've got,
    even if it's barely a thing at all.
    I just want to be with you."
     
    I tightly closed my eyes shut;
    thinking that what you had to "offer"
    was more than I've ever dreamed of -
    ...
    you kissed me then, under the
    starry November sky. & as we
    melted into one another, I knew
     
    I was in love.
  6. MidnightSecret
    "I still love him. But I don't want to love him anymore.
    I don't want to hurt anymore. Please."
     
    Funny how that was only months ago, when you left me,
    & Adele was my only savior.
     
    I thought I'd moved on, but when I saw you today,
    I knew that my feelings never really went away.
    You were sitting there in your favourite grey school sweatpants,
    your headphones over your ears & your fingers curled over a coffee mug.
    Your foot was tapping along to a beat only you could hear,
    and your hair was as messy as ever.
    I couldn't help but to smile to myself as I turned away and left.
    It's funny how you still have that effect on me,
    even after all this time.
     
    You weren't perfect. I wasn't either. & the two of us were never going to be perfect.
    but you made me laugh once, made me miss you when you weren't there.
    but you never quoted any poetry, nor thought about me every moment,
    & yelled when we were angry at each other.
    then I realized that we're only human.
     
    You gave me a part of yourself that you knew I could break, as so did I.
    & I guess that was the problem:
    we started to analyze things too far,
    tried to change each other,
    and expected more than we could give -
    we were both hurt.
     
    Perfection does not exist.
    But at the time I definately felt like you were the perfect one for me,
    and although this may not be the case anymore,
    I've learned to not let the pain make me hate,
    or to let the bitterness steal my sweetness.
    You made me happy once,
    so I'll take pride that even though the rest of my body may disaggree,
    our relationship has changed me in a really good way.
     
     
    -
  7. MidnightSecret
    A very close friend of mine brought this up to address people who are aren't aware of the differences between giving up on life and taking a break from it.
     
    "ever tried to fall asleep, but you couldn't cause everything
    you tried to forget rushes back to you?
     
    because sometimes people do actually feel that way.
    sometimes your life feels like it's craving in on you.
    sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist,
    like they want to just curl up in a ball,
    and go into that place between life & death.
     
    BUT saying 'I don't want to exist' isn't saying 'I want to go die.'
    It's saying 'I wish for the time being, I could go somewhere & not have to feel.'
    I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
    & if you don't know how it feels to feel this way,
    then you have no place to judge anyone who does." -
     
     
    ToTo
  8. MidnightSecret

    It's been a while. -

    By MidnightSecret,

    - been really busy lately, it's 2am & I feel like now is the right time to start writing again.
    It's been months since my last blog entry & reading it over again feels.... surreal.
    As I wrote it, I was feeling pretty down and miserable at the time, it pretty much summed up the relationship I had that never really worked out.
     
    It's funny how as time goes on, I can see things more clearly now.
    He's gone. It's been a month already. He's living his life, I'm living mine.
    & I'm fine, I'm okay.
     
    Sometimes, learning to be alone changes you in a good way, it defines who you are in the moment.
    I guess I didn't realize that months ago, when my hands were guided by such a sad passion, what seemed like a never-ending duet with a broken heart.
     
    I had to take time to realize that the one person I needed the most in my life...
    wasn't him, it's myself. Seems silly now when I think about it.
     
    It didn't really matter if we could've had it all, it's realizing the truth & letting it go.
    I couldn't let it burden me anymore for the rest of my life.
     
    Underneath the stars, I still think of him from time to time, but not because I miss him;
    I don't think I could ever forget him, so I really do wish him nothing but the best.
     
    As Adele said, I do imagine being 40 & looking for him again, turning up and seeing that he's settled down with a beautiful family & he's completely happy. & maybe I'll be settled down or maybe I'll still be on my own... but that's okay, I'm okay with that because I've changed & I've learned to let myself go. -
     
     
    Toto
  9. MidnightSecret
    The question was on the tip of my tongue,


     

    But I couldn’t get it out.

     

    Every now & then...

     

    I wish I had it in me to walk up to you at graduation

    & say I have liked you too

    for what seems like my entire life.

     



     

    The summer when I was 18.

     

    I had burst out crying alone in my room one morning

     

    & realized that no one truly knew how unhappy I was,

     

    Nor did I want anyone to know.

     

    I could hear a boy silently crying on the television,

     

    Which had been on since that morning.

     



     

    “SNIFF, SNIFF” from my room... “SNIFF, SNIFF” from the TV...

     



     

    My room, TV, my room, TV, it was an impressive duet.

     



     

    Listening to all that sobbing,

     

    The ceiling started turning bleary.

     

    My mind wandered.

     



     

    I wanted an escape,

     

    Perhaps one of those tropical paradise island getaways

     

    I’ve heard so much about.

     



     

    ...

     



     

    I guess it’s true that you’re finally going,

     

    off to bigger and better things.

     

    & here I am singing to myself,

     

    “someone like you.”- Adele

     



     

    But I've realized that it's better to

     

    be unhappy alone

     

    than unhappy with someone.

     



     

    & I don't want love

     

    just because I had foolishing believed

     

    that it would miraculously

     

    solve all my life's problems for me.

     

    How silly of me to ask for love

     

    only because I had felt lonely.

     

    I want love when I'm ready.

     



     

    I'm thinking clearly now so no more crying,

     

    I will be happy everyday because

     

    I don't have any reason not to be.

     



     

    I'm going to continue to explore & love myself.

     

    There is nothing stopping me from laughing,

     

    from loving, from living-

     

    & now I know sometimes good things fall apart

     

    so better things can fall together.

     



     

    I love you & I guess I'll never stop loving you,

     

    I wish you nothing but the best,

     

    & yes,

     

    with no regrets,

     

    this is good bye. -

     

     

     


  10. MidnightSecret
    I open my window & I can start to feel the rain pouring down.
    So I went outside for a walk & ended up crying.
     
    "You were never like the others."

    I wish I had it in me to walk up to you at graduation
    & say I have liked you too
    for what seems like my entire life.
     
    I guess it's true that you're finally going.
    But I don't want you to leave.
    I don't exactly understand why it is I feel this way.
     
    Sometimes there really aren't enough tears to get over the pain.
    These tears are words that my heart can't say.
     
    I guess it's been bothering me because
    I've been wondering...
    what if you're the one I've been waiting for my whole life,
    and I let you go?
     
    I just wanted us to be close,
    for things to get better.
     
    But deep down,you already know how I feel
    & if that isn't enough for you to stay,
    then I want you to know that I'll be okay.
    & that I wish you nothing but the best.
     
    And I look at the rain again,
    beautiful, refreshing & clean.
    Rain makes everything beautiful, it's like a fresh start.
    I lifted my chin and I let the rain wash the tears away.
    It cleans everything, washing away
    everything that hurts.
     
    It leaves a beautiful post-rain smell, & a new day.
    Don't stop believing in tomorrow.
     
    After everything, I still believe this world is a beautiful place.
     
     

     
     
  11. MidnightSecret
    I wish I could tell you how much I stll love you, how I still think about you everyday.
    I wish I could tell you everything I've been keeping inside for so long.
    I wish I could hold you and feel complete again.
    ...
     
    But I can't, because it's more than time and distance that seperates us.
    You're a million miles away and I don't know how to get to where you are.
    ...
     
    We don't talk like we used to and you never come around these days.
    You stopped caring a long time ago,
    and now I see that it's time for me to let go too.
    ...
     
    Even though what we had doesn't exist anymore,
    I want you to know that you will always mean something to me.
    ...
  12. MidnightSecret
    I can remember the exact moment I fell in love with you.
    It was about 3 of 4 seconds after we first met.
     
    You looked at me then quickly looked down,
    as if out of shyness or nervousness.
    After about a second you somehow found
    the courage to look back at me
    and you had a smile on your face
    that I can't describe in words.
     
    That was the exact moment
    I fell in love with you.
    You have me
    and we hadn't even
    spoken a word yet.
     
    ...
  13. MidnightSecret
    - I've been giving up on people too easily.


    If they don't call, if they don't try - then I don't.

    It's not fair to lay the blame on them

    when I'm not calling, either.

    I'm just as much at fault.

    I've got a lot of resentment for old friends -

    for letting me go without a fight.

     

    ...

     

    I just want someone to call and say,

    "I miss you, how are you?"

     

    I just want to call someone and say

    "I miss you, I'm sorry."

     

    I want to be brave enough to stay in one place,

    but it's hard, and it only gets harder

    when we don't make any effort.


     

    ...

  14. MidnightSecret
    [Not a poem, this is like a personal diary entry based off a recent event in my life. Give it a read and tell me what ya think. (: ]


    I was shopping with my mom when I encountered him. We were in an upscale boutique, admiring the elegant, but not particularly eye-catching clothes. A boy wearing a pair of skinnies and some brand named sweater came in. I had seen him earlier, on a street corner, shouting lewd comments at some respectable-looking man. He edges up to us, looking around frantically, and convulsively moving. I have always thought that crack addicts would twitch, but he didn't. His sinewy movement might have been eerily beautiful in a ballet.
     
    I looked closer... and to my surprise, we did in fact went to the same middle school together. He didn't even remember me, sure it has been 4 years--but I could never forget him. I loved him. I stared at him, his torso rolled and rocked, forwards and back, side to side, his arms flailing strangely, like waves. His legs seems to be engaged in a disconnected, neverending two-step with nobody. Before, I would've wished for an eternal duet with him.
     
    "Can I have two dollars for McDonalds?" This question was directed at my mother, who fumbled in her wallet for a toonie. He pressed forward towards me. I felt my face freezze in an awkward smile, every muscle tense. My unease caused me to involuntarily stumble backwards. A toonie appeared and was transferred. I hope beyond anything he would leave. I felt awful for thinking it. But he didn't go.
     
    A sudden rush of forgotten memories consumed my mind. He was such a nice boy, and his kindness had at one point touched my heart. This was the boy I thought I was going to marry, the boy that I thought would help me explore and discover the vast terrain of my heart. Yes I may have been naive back then, but I would've ran away with him if he asked me too. This is who I was, and I tried so hard not to remember, but there are some things that just cannot be forgotten. My train of thought was interuppted by his voice, pulling me back into reality.
     
    "This would look good on you." He pressed a white, buttoned cardigan into me. I was speechless, but I took his suggestion and mumbled thanks under my breath. I couldn't understand why I was blushing. He smiled--but the shop girl cut him off.
     
    'I think you should leave." The slight waver in her voice gave away her slight discomfort. "Why do we need to go?" His voice sounded creaky and old, even though he was around my age. "We" is my mother, me and him. "Are you together?" My mother shakes her head almost imperceptibly at the girl. We continue to peruse the shelves, constantly moving away from the crack addict. I try to ignore the dialogue between the girl and the addict, but it trickled deep into my thoughts despite my best efforts.
     
    I tried, I really did. I still remember, when he had told me that his life was falling apart and I guess I should've suspected the abuse. That's when he started to become addicted, it was his only escape. I was afraid to speak out, and I couldn't bare too see his beautiful, fragile body to be so broken. I was on a mission to somehow recover his broken heart, to show him love. But I...I...I--I wasn't strong enough and I had my heart broken in the process.
     
    The shop girl is threatening to call security, the addict is taking offense at her attitude. The shop girl does call security. This addict is speaking now. I open my ears to listen.
     
    "I may be a crack addict, but I'm still a person. I used to drive to school through this place. It took me an hour. I never thought I'd end up here, I'll tell you that."
    We finish our browsing, and leave the store. I was worried about the crack addict, but we decided to walk away. A moment later, we see security guards in front of the store. The shop girl is crying. Why?
    The addict is walking down the street, with confidence in every step. He's there still, I imagine. He will be there next week, next year. He will be there until he dies, sad, and alone, lost in his mind that is so different from mind. His mind is a roadmap of dead-ends and roads that lead to nowhere. Maybe, just maybe it's not too late. But the idealistic man of yesterday is gone. He is here now.
     
    As we drove off to our next destination, I felt something constantly quivering inside, making me feel sick to my stomach. In an uncontrollable rage, the hot tears trickled down like an angry rain storm. I was gasping for life, hoping that the pain would go away. My mother asked what was wrong, but I was speechless because I knew deep down that a part of me never really moved on. I wanted to help him, I shelfishly wanted him to be addicted to my love, a drug more fatal that we could have used together to explore the boundaries of our friendship at that time. Is it too late? I don't know, and I guess I'll never know for sure. All I know is that this is human nature, and I will never understand it.
     
    ...
     
    End
     
    Thanks for reading. (:
  15. MidnightSecret
    Melange Lavonne is one of my favorite lesbian artists. <3 If you need some inspiration, then give these music videos a watch. <3
    Things definately do get better, but only if you want it too (:
     


     
     


     
    and yes, I cried (surprise surprise)! X'D
    "You got to be strong, your not alone in this fight, take a stand for equality and fight for your rights."
    I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening,
    remember to always stay sweet and lovely as always,
    xoxo,
     
     
    Tony
  16. MidnightSecret
    - A Confession -




    I was reading a blog post earlier, and I never knew how powerful photographs could be, a snapshot of the heart.




    I secreatly wish that when I do meet my prince charming, he'll somehow capture my beauty by taking lots of photographs of me. Now I know that this may be a ridiculous wish because in reality, I tend to hate most photos of me-and especially as I feel insecure about my body and my facial expressions that believing that I could be photographed beautifully/interestingly is almost unreal. I would drive all my friends crazy with my pleas to get rid of the photos that make me cringe.


     

    There has been times, though, when I have wished for a portrait or two that would be the most beautiful boy of myself that I want the world to see, or maybe a snapshot of the person I see myself when I'm with the people I love... I have delusions of myself looking plain and lovely all at once, revealed to the world only by someone who loves me. This is nothing more than a fantasy and I know that.

     

    I guess you could say that vanity is a part of it. But a larger part of it is wanting some tangible memento of some epic love affair I intend to have with my life on earth. It took me a long time to love and accept myself, to have the courage to stand up and say "this is who I am."

     

    If you have a lover, you may already be convinced that your love for him is extraordinary and grand. Of course, I understand that all lovers feel this way about themselves and that's what makes it so wonderful. But if you ever do start to doubt the existence of your lover altogether, then would you not want some sort of a tangible object to remind yourself why you loved him from the start? Or something you and your lover have created together that will be around long after both of you are gone?

     

    I feel so unfulfilled, and although I may not have a lover yet,

    I need to see myself, to embrace myself.

    Something to remind me of who I am in times of doubt.

     

    And then I look at a photograph like this,

     

     





    and I am stunned and full of so much wonder.

    I have not even one photograph like this of myself, taken by a lover and companion.

    So that is my secret confession--that one day, out of all the days of my life,

    I would love to be caught on camera in such a way

    that would tell the photographic story of how well I was beloved

    and how much I loved myself.


  17. MidnightSecret
    Lately I’ve been having the same dream over and over again.

     

    I dreamt of a beautiful boy on top of the highest hill.

     

    He was singing, dancing and he invited me to join him.

     

    So I climbed that hill, but it was so steep.

     

    I kept climbing and climbing

     

    but the hill just got steeper and steeper.

     

    I did, however, reach the top of the hill…

     

    But I was too late, and that beautiful boy was gone.

     

    I looked all over for him, searching for that bright smile.

     

    He was no where in sight.

     

    …and I panicked, because I know.

     

    I know what the world can do to a boy-

     

    who only sees beauty in the world.

     



     
     
  18. MidnightSecret

    [Eternal Insomnia]

    By MidnightSecret,

    1001 Sheeps...


    1002 Sheeps...

    1003 Sheeps...

    ...

     

    Forget it,

    all this counting is

    starting to irritate me.

    I think it's been about 3 days?

    I think I'm sleeping

    but yet I'm widely awake?

    I think I might go crazy.

     

    I try and I try

    so hard to close my eyes,

    but I only find myself

    staring at that same

    ceiling in perpetual horror.

    Perhaps I should decorate

    all its emptiness

    with bright glowing stars...

    Gleaming with hope,

    I guess.

     

    Sigh;

    I tried to demand myself

    to fall asleep,

    giving consent to the dream

    world to consume my mind;

    it will be full of good things,

    full of sweet things,

    and I will be

    in pure happiness.

    Well... Maybe.

     

    I tried so hard,

    but for a full 74 hours,

    I still feel wide awake,

    catching nearly a wink

    the whole-time.

     

    The last time

    I had trouble sleeping,

    was when I was

    trying to convince myself

    that I wasn't in

    love with you.

     

    What am I going to do?

     

    Wow,

    I'm looking through my room again,

    it has definitely

    become a pigsty.

    When was the last time

    I bothered to clean this

    place up?

    I better get started,

    I guess.

     

    Just when I started to

    organize the CDs that

    were rolling around the

    corners of the room,

    I picked up your favorite one.

     

    The first time we listened to this song together,

    I teased you into chasing me in circles around

    this room, I was convinced that I could always run freely

    and that you would only be a couple steps behind me

    always chasing after me. And then you caught me and

    we landed not on the bed, but on the floor.

     

    Looking into your eyes that night

    told me everything I needed to know.

     

    Do you still remember

    when you told me

    that you would take me

    to Paris and Rome?

     

    I threw my arms around your neck,

    and I promised you...

    that I would run away you.

    I kissed your face and kissed your head:

    "I'm in love with you."

     

    Was I not enough for you?

    I hated how you told me that I deserved more,

    that they would never understand,

    that no one wants to see us together.

     

    It's not true.

    To love is our birth right.

    "Just breathe and realize that this very moment is all

    that we'll know that we'll have for sure.

    I'm just like you, I was lonely too,

    but now...

    I got you.

    And really...

    That's all that really

    matters."

     

    That's when I saw it,

    the same small pill

    with a pinkish sheen;

    a tiny, lonely sleeping pill.

    I thought I had picked

    these all up 3 days ago.

     

    You Fool.

    Why did you have to go

    and take a whole bottle

    of this nasty medicine?

    You could've asked me

    to knock you out

    if you had trouble sleeping.

     

    ...

    All of a sudden,

    something felt like it

    was coming up,

    so I spat out everything.

    Still,

    the pain lingered in my chest,

    getting worse as time passed.

     

    I felt my head spinning

    and I could feel

    myself sobbing:

     

    "You knew it would be this way.

    You knew I couldn't sleep well when there's no one next to me.

    Yet you went ahead and did it.

    Why?"

     

    The tears didn't stop, falling like rain.

    I feel kinda tired.

    ...

     



  19. MidnightSecret
    [Warning] I hesitated putting this passage up on here, because it didn't seem quite... "appropriate" to say the least. But I wrote this during one of my darkest hours, and lets just say that I wrote this for my best friend, to give him a voice, who I will always remember each passing day. And I apologize for any slight discomfort you may feel reading this. Thank-you.
    Now we Begin:
     
    ...
     
    He was a very sensitive boy,
    His love for Art was the only substance his heart beated for.
    He embraced what he drew, what he painted, because it was the only way he knew he was still alive.
    I loved him, he was my brother... that was until he come across something so great, so divine,
    that it was simply not enough to create with his own two hands.
    He did what he could to obtain this sudden object of affection,
    his loss of innocence at an early age, was what had killed him.
     
    In the end...
    He never got his justice, and he never ever drew again.
     
    Trascript: Anonymous-
     
    "I hope that you will understand, from what took place, why I cannot tell you what exactly happened, because I don't want to remember... But I don't want to forget."
    "I was 15 and he was 19 at the time, and I had convinced myself that I was in love with him.
    I never told my parents about him, because I was afraid.
     
    Although he made me... do things, I still followed him where ever he went.
    He took me out to parties and we would do whatever we pleased.
    If felt like a dream, and it was too good to be true... And little did I know he became my nightmare.
     
    It was dark, but he insisted to take me out to his friend's party so I went.
    It was passed midnight and I told him that I wanted to go home,
     
    but... But I think maybe... he had a little to much to drink, 'do you love me?' he asked me impatiently.
    I.. I didn't know what to say.
     
    All I could do was foolishly nod my head up and down in hesistation.
    So he smiled at me, no it was different; he smirked at me with cold empty eyes.
    Before I could catch my breath, he grabbed me and locked the door behind him:
    I knew what he could and would do to me.
     
    I screamed 'no... Please NO, NO please your hurting me...'
    -and you know what he said...?
    'Shut Up!' and he covered my mouth in such rage that it paralyzed me, I couldn't move nor twitch a finger,
    and it continued on as he devoured me completely.
    It didn't make sense, he... He was hurting me and yet he was 'making love' to me--the shape of it confused me:
    lying on the bed, with my head hung down, he was shaking my body with his whole body,
    I thought he was going to kill me.
     
    After... he was fin-ished... He rolled over and fell asleep. He didn't even look at me.
    I stumbled out of bed, picked up my torn clothes off the cold floor,
    and I looked at my blood stained underwear in the filthy sheets,
    and I couldn't help but to feel drained of all my power;
    I.. I... I was ashamed, I felt dirty, it was my fault that, that was how I saw myself...
     
    I couldn't help but to feel that
    it was my fault that I lost everything,
    that it was my fault that I let him take everything away from me...
     
    -Sobs-
     
    End of Transcript -
     
    Choking in his sobs,
    that was the last time I would ever hear my brother's voice;
    lost, confused, broken, and in pain, so much pain
    that it could break your heart.
    .
    Silence took over the court room -I couldn't stand it.
    I looked at my parents who were crying in so much pain -I couldn't stand it.
    I can't stand it here!
    How could they say that he was lucky to have survived?
    That he was lucky he only had minor injuries?
    How could that make sense? It doesn't, just doesn't.
     
    Across the court room,
    I could see,
    behind those bars,
    the Monster that took him away fron us!
    His eyes were so cold, so empty,
    he had no remorse for what he did.
    I hated him, wanted to scream at him,
    I wanted to show him
    how much pain he made my brother go through.
     
    Before the prosecutors could say anything,
    I bolted out of that court room as fast I could,
    just as fast as my brother did four nights ago:
    Why did this have to happen?
     
    He was never ever the same again,
    we could feel him slipping
    from the grips of reality,
    pain was his only exsistence,
    it was inevitable
    that we would lose him.
     
    I kept running
    until I reached the train tracks...
     
    I can remember hearing him
    cry through the walls of his locked chamber
    haunted by unpleasant memories.
    All he could draw were pictures of
    absolute darkness, an impenetrable
    nightmare that he could not escape.
     
    I felt so helpless,
    there was nobody that could help
    erase the pain of his tainted innocence,
    no one could give back the part of his life
    that was taken from him,
    the part that made him feel alive,
    he was already dead inside.
     
    "The human body- beautiful because
    you couldn't bear to see them broken,
    it's like the mind; terribly impressive till
    you put it in jeopardy. Then it becaomes
    such a delicate thing-like glass."
     
    So yes, I do understand why
    he threw himself against those trains that night,
    it was his only escape,
    he could finally be free.
     
    I whisphered something into the wind,
    hoping to leave a dent in the air,
    "I Love You..."
    But it was already lost in the wind,
    carried along the currents of the waves,
    and I would like to believe that
    my message reached him.
     
    Although he did not get his justice,
    he found peace and perhaps freedom.
    I can see his footprints on the train tracks,
    so I close my eyes, trying to remember
    the way he had smiled whenever
    he embraced what he drew,
    what he painted out of love,
    and for a moment,
    I don't feel so alone.
     
    End.
     
    ...
     
     
     

     
     
    Thank-You.
     
    - MidnightSecret
  20. MidnightSecret
    [Delve] into these mourning streets
    of the broken hearted,
    But be careful; do not disturb the sleep
    of our weeping city,
    for We
    are the lovers of this fallen city.
    Do not tell me that we will suffer;
    because there is no need to
    tell us anymore lies.
     
    ...through all this silence...
    I still can't seem to find you,
    or hear your voice, the voice that I have
    become to trust so much.
    Where are you?
    I think I am [lost:]
    Come and find me
    because I am so
    afraid so afraid so
    give me a hand to hold.
     
    Did you leave me?
    Did you...?
    Did you not [Love]
    me enough to stay?
    Because in You,
    I find my strength
    to fight all my
    childish fears away.
     
    I ask myself if this is love at all,
    and I do want to believe
    that we are a masterpiece,
    but nothing is ever that [perfect.]
     
    You tell me that your happy
    ever since we were together,
    and yet you leave me
    screaming in this nightmare,
    fighting away all of the
    heartache that life gives us.
    so...
    [stop!]
    tellling me to be "careful,
    because they might see us."
    Because I don't care.
     
    As I remain here,
    locked in my chamber,
    I dream that this world will fall apart,
    that it will crumble around us,
    and that we will be unafraid
    of what to expect out of this love.
    Beccause we can start over,
    we can create a place
    where you and I will be together once again
    and you'll be smiling back at me,
    and only then will I ever be [free.]
     
    Weakness is my only weakness:
    and although I still believe...
    I am tired of waiting, so let me sleep
    until you come back,
    until my dreams come true:
    It is time to say [goodnight.]
  21. MidnightSecret
    Dear Friend,
    you're in love, and that's the way it should be,
    because I want you to be happy.
    You're in love, and I know your're
    in love with the guy I love.
    If I haven't told you already,
    You really are lovely, and I'm sorry,
    I'm sorry that I feel in love with him
    the moment I laid eyes on him.
    But I made a mistake:
    ...
     
    As I watched the sea rush to shore,
    I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes.
    "Why are you so speechless?
    Can't you tell me that you love me?"
    It was no use,
    his mind was set off somewhere
    far from me,
    and it was obvious that he
    couldn't answer me.
     
    And that was when it hit me,
    "How could I ask you that?
    I already know... You're still with her,
    because you still love her."
     
    As my heart sank deeper and deeper,
    he still couldn't look at me.
     
    This future is darkness.
    ...
     
    Me and him are a memory. Him and her are a reality.
    We were never truly together,
    he was too afraid of how the world perceived us,
    so we lived our lives in concealment,
    nothing was scarificed
    only my pride, my love, my dreams...
    and in the end... We never prevailed.
     
    At the time
    I believed he was perfect,
    a manifestation of my dreams.
     
    Hand in hand, we always
    painted the image of a fairy-tale.
    I knew it was wrong,
    but I couldn't control myself,
    and then I got myself addicted
    to the way he liked to touch me,
    I didn't think she would understand
    why I loved at his command.
    I knew the consequences,
    and yet I didn't care, and that
    was what ended all of this.
     
    He was my friend, my man, and my king,
    but my heart was in conflict with itself,
    because I knew deep down
    that I was living in a fantasy
    that was too good to be real,
    that I was living a lie.
    ...
     
    But no matter how much it tears me up inside,
    the one thing I want right now
    is for him to get over his shit and be with you,
    because he needs you right now
    and whether you like it or not,
    you need him, too.
     
    So I let him go
    because I had to, it hurt too much,
    and it seemed to me, that we were hurting everyone around us.
    I needed to be able to look at him and still see this great guy that was trustworthy and understanding,
    a guy who loved my best friend.
    I needed to be able to look at him and see a friend, not just another person who let me down.
    I moved on, yes, but that doesn't mean that I've forgotten.
    And that doesn't mean that I won't be here anymore if he ever want to come back.
     
     
     
    -> Thanks for reading, don't ask why I did it; I did what I had to do, I won't forget, can't regret what I did for love, and all I can do now is learn from what I did.
     
    "Some say that holding on is what make us strong, but sometimes it is letting go that makes us stronger."
  22. MidnightSecret
    -
     
    "The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart."
     
    Lately, I've been feeling under the weather, and that's probably because I had cut off most of my social life for school. And let me tell you that it did not turn out well for me, I practically begged for someone or thing to put me out of my misery. Don't get me wrong, school is top priority, but There's gotta be more to life than doing well academically all the time.
     
    Thank goodness for my BFF, cause I guess she realized I was suffering from some sort of depression or something and decided to take me out with or without my consent! And I have to say, I love her from the bottom of my heart, not only for who she is, but for what I am whenever I am with her.
     
    Regardless of where we were,
    it was more essential that we
    were spending as much time as we could...
    before it all ended.
     
    We shared stories of our own,
    and during the process it set us free.
    Although I regretted not being in some
    of her most memorable experiences,
    I couldn't help but smile.
     
    We sang like no one was listening, we danced like no one was watching, laughed like no one cared, and we loved as if we never hurt before. If it made us happy, then heck it couldn't be that bad. Because "a moment you spend in anguish, is a moment of happiness you will never get back." I guess that is why we took too many pictures regardless of what they turn out to be, while laughing too much, forgetting that time was passing by too fast. In regards to this specific photograph, I guess we wanted a photograph that captured and reflected the happiness we felt, and the freedom we felt in our hearts. Looking back, I can see that the faces, the expressions and postures were not ideally perfect, but in our little world it was. But what is most important is that happiness can be expressed in many forms and ways, not just one! So let it be, the fact that we are young, we are careless, we do as we please, concludes to the fact that I never realized that living this way could be so beautiful!
     
    With this picture as my possession,
    I find it a blessing.
    Every time I look at this photograph,
    it remains vivid in my memories,
    like a sun rising from the horizon,
    spreading the million colors
    I have been searching for my entire life.
     
    So I guess it's okay to love life...
    Sure there were a few unfair things that have happened in my past,
    but I have realized that those things
    do not define me
    and they definately do not determine my future...
    unless I let them.
     
    ...
     
    What do I have to say?
    YOU are important, and the way you love your life is important,
    so pen those words on your heart and hold them in your
    memory box forever.
    Spend more time with friends and family,
    and most importantly,
    love yourself,
    and you will realize
    how much you truly value your life.
     
    Chemistry Exam?
    Give me your best shot HUNNIE! <3
     
    xoxo,
    MidnightSecret.
  23. MidnightSecret
    ...
     
    "The sad darkness of the earth
    touches my heart,
    its cold spirit
    creeps over my body,
    dominating the only light
    I ever saw in my life.
     
    It shows no mercy,
    no forgiveness,
    no answer
    to its victims.
     
    When the sun comes down,
    these nightmares come to life,
    leaving me utterly breathless.
     
    But
    it is the bitter taste of losing
    absolutely everything
    that I have held so dear
    that makes sleep so unbearable.
     
    We all begin with good intent,
    believing that we could
    eventually change ourselves,
    believing that the past
    could be undone.
     
    But
    we carry on our backs
    the burden time
    always reveal.
     
    I tried to be strong,
    I did everything I could,
    but it devoured my Heart,
    and I've fallen so low
    that no one can catch me.
    I didn't want to...
    I swear...
    but I just gave up.
     
    What is "it"?
    Why is it so powerful,
    why do I let it feed off of me?
    Have I lost myself
    to this long and painful fight?
     
    This darkness is so silent,
    and yet I can hear
    myself screaming,
    crying, or perhaps
    dying inside each
    and every day.
     
    ...
     
    I have been there, so...
    I will bend down my hand for you,
    and I will do my best to lead you out of this darkness,
    you are not alone,
    do not subject yourself to suffer in silence any longer.
     
    Love you,
    - MidnightSecret.
  24. MidnightSecret
    {October 2, 2010}
     
    Midnight here. I've noticed that I've been writting to many happy love pieces, so I thought I would take a different approach this time.
    It's love, but it's dark and not pretty.
    Please give it a read if you have some free time, and if you don't like it, that's fine, all I ask for is that you give it a chance.
    Any feedback is definately appreciated!!!
    cheers <3
     
    ---
    ...
     
    The red car shimmered across the asphalt,
    dripping rain like blood.
     
    No one ever told me that
    it would be this hard.
    "I thought you loved me."
    Or atleast that's what I keep telling myself.
    I wanted to come and see you again,
    to tell you that I was sorry;
    you really don't know
    how lovely you really are.
     
    I rubbed my neck, bruised like the sea of purple.
    As I look into the mirror, I keep asking myself:
    why do I always come back to you?
    I wish you would just leave,
    and take all
    these sorrows away with you.
     
    "No,
    you can't leave,
    I won't let you!"
    - I could barely breath
    after uttering these words
    out loud as if someone
    could hear me.
    But it was dead silent,
    and I was alone.
    I was disgusted with myself,
    because I knew that it would only
    break my heart if you did
    leave me.
     
    Nothing, and I say nothing
    can penetrate your heart
    of eternal darkness.
    Why can't you see,
    that I never betrayed
    my own heart,
    I just can't walk away from you,
    because I love you too much.
    So stand there,
    watch me burn,
    and watch me slowly die...
    In your arms.
     
    I seem to always turn a blind eye
    to every pain you made me suffer through,
    to every lie you made me swallow,
    and to every nightmare
    you
    made me live through.
     
    I tried to tell myself that your gone,
    but your prescene still lingers here,
    and it won't leave me alone.
    Through these tear stained eyes,
    I convinced myself to come
    and find you.
     
    "I am so SICK of looking at you.
    So...
    I beg of you...
    Stop haunting me!
    Stop screaming my name!
    Stop loving me!
    Stop! Stop! Stop!
     
    I hate you!
    ...
    No I don't...
    I love you."
     
    So do what you want with me,
    and let's fall back into the same pattern:
    press your body forcefully against mine,
    and my tears will drown my senses.
    Let me scream into your pillows,
    as you devour me.
    Suffocate me with your breath,
    as I dig my nails deep into your skin.
    Bite my lips until they bleed,
    tell me you love me,
    tell me your sorry,
    and I will forgive you.
    'Set this bed on fire.'
     
    It's the same damn thing
    over and over again.
    Could it be that...
    I've been alone all along?
    And I was afraid to face it,
    so I clutched onto you,
    and you destroyed me.
     
    But maybe,
    my temper is just as bad,
    and I'm just as mad,
    and just as tortured,
    as YOU are.
     
    Maybe our relationship
    isn't as crazy and messed
    up as it seems to be.
    Maybe, just maybe,
    this is love.
     
    Because I know that,
    even though I may despise you,
    hate you, I will always, always
    follow you into the
    darkness, Regardless.
    ...
     
    - - -
     
    - That's the end of this piece for now! I put alot of thought into this, so I hope you guys enjoyed it.
    Who are we to say what love is? Although it is in our nature to love, how we express it is so mysterious.
     
    What do you guys think about love? Feel free to comment and discuss <333333
     
    Stay Sweet Always
    xoxo Love,
     
    Your Friend.
  25. MidnightSecret

    " Queer. "

    By MidnightSecret,

    - Don't spit that word at me,
    I've done nothing wrong to you.
    You look at me, and you think you see who I really am,
    but you'll never know me. -
     
    He hiss those hateful words at me,
    my love didn't ignore it, so he asked and glared:
    "What did you say?" and before replying,
    they walked away.
    It makes me howl with pain that
    there are people who would ever
    want to hurt us like that.
    Don't they realize that people
    suffer everyday from hearing those words?
    They suffer, because it robs us of our security,
    our identity, and ultimately... our beauty.
    I've never realized how incredibly cruel people are.
     
    In this world, we all continue to
    struggle to find ourselves,
    and why is that?
    It is because we fear Hate.
    And like the sad cry of the morning dove,
    it is the dark song that hugs your broken heart.
     
    At times I feel that I am living in a world
    where I must force myself to
    "wear a mask,
    which would allow me to
    fool the world all I want,
    but I cannot ultimately fool my heart."
    Why must I hide my heart, my love,
    and myself to a world full of people who love me?
    And to those who spread hate, they don't matter.
    I hope that the world will keep on turning, and for the better.
    Besides, life is hard enough already so quite frankly
    it's too much work pretending to be someone else.
     
    - For the first time in my life I've had roses,
    and I've apologized to no one.
    I can honestly say that I love myself,
    sometimes I hate myself for the choices I make,
    but I will celebrate my life the way I intend to,
    whether that means I laugh or I cry, I won't regret it.
    For every breath I take, and for every step I take,
    I do it for the freedom of my heart and soul.
    I am free to laugh, to love, to cry, and live my life
    with the people who matter the most to me.
     
    I've said it once,
    and I'll say it again:
    I hope you would all do the same,
    cast a warm glowing light on yourself,
    show the world what's inside your heart,
    and be loved for who you are.
    And if there are people who try to attack you,
    just remember that they don't matter
    as long as you are happy and a good person.
     
    I hope that one day each and ever one of you will realize
    that you are special, that you are beautiful,
    and that you will understand why the word "Queer" will never touch you again.
    Be yourself, sing your song to the world, because someday soon,
    that song will stop playing, so make the most of what you have!
    Besides, it's just a hateful word that stupid people use to hurt each other.
     
     
    Stay Sweet Always
    xoxo,
     
    Your Friend
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