MidnightSecret

6 years ago, I saw the most beautiful boy ever who asked me to be his first but never once said I love you. Instead, he would tell me that I couldn't put my hands on my hips because it made me look like a girl. My friends saw my tears and I told them that I deserved him. 4 years ago, I kissed a boy who tasted like cigarettes and told me that he would always come save me even though he couldn't save himself. My friends watched from a distance and shook their heads in silence. 2 years ago, there was a boy who suffocated me and told me that it was his way or no way, I'm only doing this because I care about you. I got drunk and told my friends about him and pretended I was happy. Since then, I wanted no one at all but when he walked into my life I didn't expect to fall but... he fought hard to keep all my demons away: "I love you." Nobody has ever said that to me. "You love me?" I asked, leaning towards him. He nodded. "Please say it again," I said. I let him wrap his arms around me. "I love you," he repeated. Please Stay.

It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's just that... We met at the wrong time. That's what I keep telling myself anyways. I wish this could be easier. Maybe one day, years from now, we'll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somwehere & we could give it another shot.

“Don’t they look good together?” he chuckled to me. I peeped over his shoulder, realizing how much I didn’t want him to be right. I watched as he held her hand, overwhelmed with the feeling to be in her place. I knew that it could never happen, but I didn't understand why I couldn’t have "that." I didn’t want him to be right. I didn’t want to believe him. “Yeah, they look super cute together” I replied with hesitation. I didn’t understand why my heart and my mind were never in sync. I didn’t know why I blurted out those words, because I knew it was another lie. “They look super cute together” I laughed with him. stop. “Don’t they? I think he looks perfect with her” he chuckled stop. “Yeah, watch them get married in a few years.” I laughed. Please stop. I sat there and laughed with him, holding back the pins and needles in my heart. I excused myself to class, and as packed up my things to leave: I glanced back and saw how happy they were. I couldn’t stop lying to myself. I wanted to cry, if only. If only the things people said about me were true. If only I was as beautiful as they say. If only I was as desirable as they see. If only I felt like what they say I am. I couldn't in that moment. But I believed in one thing for sure, that him and I were never going to be together.

Dear The One Who Got Away, I don’t think I could ever forget you. & although I never said it directly, you know that I love you. I feel that I have loved you forever. It’s just that lately, things have been much harder - especially realizing that you’re not here with me. Truth be told, I’m sad and I'm tired of making up excuses for myself. Since you left, I’ve spent most of the time feeling lost and alone. It's as if I've been living a life full of ghosts. But that’s not who I want to be anymore - so it occured to me that it was time for me to let go and let myself be happy again. It's time for me to bury these ghosts. But I can’t do that with you. I’m so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I am left with the feeling that I have to do this. I don’t even have the slightest idea of what I’m going to do, but I know I have to do this. If I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll self destruct and worse, I’ll never learn to love again. Be safe, and I hope you do find happiness out there. Please know that I tried very hard. Know that you were my one and only. I’ll miss you with every beat of my heart. Our time together was everything I could’ve ever wanted. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Goodbye. Love always, The One Who's Moving On

‎'A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “ Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it…?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do this...?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air. “My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who do love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are. You are special; Don’t ever forget that.'

"Pharmaceutical wonders are at work but I believe only in this moment of well-being. Unholy ghost, you are certain to come again. Coarse, mean, you’ll put your feet on the coffee table, lean back, and turn me into someone who can’t take the trouble to speak; someone who can’t sleep, or who does nothing but sleep; can’t read, or call for an appointment for help. There is nothing I can do against your coming. When I awake, I am still with thee." –Jane Kenyon

I didn't know what you saw in me, but I was grateful that you did because you were the only person who ever had. Up until then, I was strong... but you made me weak. the feeling petrified me. "cheer up, sweet beautiful boy. you are going to love again & it will be magnificent," my mother had always told me. ... "to tell you the truth, I don't have much to offer. but I'll still give you everything I've got, even if it's barely a thing at all. I just want to be with you." I tightly closed my eyes shut; thinking that what you had to "offer" was more than I've ever dreamed of - ... you kissed me then, under the starry November sky. & as we melted into one another, I knew I was in love.

"no matter what or who you are, there's a light in the darkness of everybody's life." I've been trying so hard to make sense of things, but I don't know where to start or what to do. the short moments we had to ourselves: the stolen glances, the stifled laughter, when your eyes met mine, & the way you smiled - because you knew. It's been a long time since I've felt butterflies in my chest, & I'm glad that you're the one changing that. I wonder what you are thinking about when you look at me. I remember that moment I met you when I started to think that "maybe you were someone I could like. Maybe even love one day." But even so, sometimes I'm afraid of love, it scares me. It's not concrete like the ocean, something that I could point out & understand what it is- that's why I struggle with love. I can't touch it. I can't hold on to it, & make sure it never changes.

"Touch a Touch a Touch a Touch me..." ahahaha oh dear >;P

going with something alittle sweet and simple this year: an angel =] & my bff will be doing my make-up as we watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show! <3333333 I'm so excited!

"I still love him. But I don't want to love him anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. Please." Funny how that was only months ago, when you left me, & Adele was my only savior. I thought I'd moved on, but when I saw you today, I knew that my feelings never really went away. You were sitting there in your favourite grey school sweatpants, your headphones over your ears & your fingers curled over a coffee mug. Your foot was tapping along to a beat only you could hear, and your hair was as messy as ever. I couldn't help but to smile to myself as I turned away and left. It's funny how you still have that effect on me, even after all this time. You weren't perfect. I wasn't either. & the two of us were never going to be perfect. but you made me laugh once, made me miss you when you weren't there. but you never quoted any poetry, nor thought about me every moment, & yelled when we were angry at each other. then I realized that we're only human. You gave me a part of yourself that you knew I could break, as so did I. & I guess that was the problem: we started to analyze things too far, tried to change each other, and expected more than we could give - we were both hurt. Perfection does not exist. But at the time I definately felt like you were the perfect one for me, and although this may not be the case anymore, I've learned to not let the pain make me hate, or to let the bitterness steal my sweetness. You made me happy once, so I'll take pride that even though the rest of my body may disaggree, our relationship has changed me in a really good way. -

Ooo... tough choice between the geek and the redneck xDDDD!

I remembered when I had to do a french presentation back in high school, and I had messed up on answering a judge's question, she asked me what the title of my presentation was, everyone was laughing... I was so embarassed I wanted to dissappear. But then she annouced the results and I had gotten 3rd place, I was more shocked than all those girls that were laughing beforehand. I really couldn't believe it, and I guessed she noticed my reaction, "Congradulations, that was a wonderful presentation." as she smiled at me. As soon as I got into my mom's car, I started crying, because I was so happy, there really isn't a way to describe it as we drove off to celebrate. -

A very close friend of mine brought this up to address people who are aren't aware of the differences between giving up on life and taking a break from it. "ever tried to fall asleep, but you couldn't cause everything you tried to forget rushes back to you? because sometimes people do actually feel that way. sometimes your life feels like it's craving in on you. sometimes people really do feel like they don't want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life & death. BUT saying 'I don't want to exist' isn't saying 'I want to go die.' It's saying 'I wish for the time being, I could go somewhere & not have to feel.' I don't think there's anything wrong with that. & if you don't know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does." - ToTo

- been really busy lately, it's 2am & I feel like now is the right time to start writing again. It's been months since my last blog entry & reading it over again feels.... surreal. As I wrote it, I was feeling pretty down and miserable at the time, it pretty much summed up the relationship I had that never really worked out. It's funny how as time goes on, I can see things more clearly now. He's gone. It's been a month already. He's living his life, I'm living mine. & I'm fine, I'm okay. Sometimes, learning to be alone changes you in a good way, it defines who you are in the moment. I guess I didn't realize that months ago, when my hands were guided by such a sad passion, what seemed like a never-ending duet with a broken heart. I had to take time to realize that the one person I needed the most in my life... wasn't him, it's myself. Seems silly now when I think about it. It didn't really matter if we could've had it all, it's realizing the truth & letting it go. I couldn't let it burden me anymore for the rest of my life. Underneath the stars, I still think of him from time to time, but not because I miss him; I don't think I could ever forget him, so I really do wish him nothing but the best. As Adele said, I do imagine being 40 & looking for him again, turning up and seeing that he's settled down with a beautiful family & he's completely happy. & maybe I'll be settled down or maybe I'll still be on my own... but that's okay, I'm okay with that because I've changed & I've learned to let myself go. - Toto

The question was on the tip of my tongue, But I couldn’t get it out. Every now & then... I wish I had it in me to walk up to you at graduation & say I have liked you too for what seems like my entire life. The summer when I was 18. I had burst out crying alone in my room one morning & realized that no one truly knew how unhappy I was, Nor did I want anyone to know. I could hear a boy silently crying on the television, Which had been on since that morning. “SNIFF, SNIFF” from my room... “SNIFF, SNIFF” from the TV... My room, TV, my room, TV, it was an impressive duet. Listening to all that sobbing, The ceiling started turning bleary. My mind wandered. I wanted an escape, Perhaps one of those tropical paradise island getaways I’ve heard so much about. ... I guess it’s true that you’re finally going, off to bigger and better things. & here I am singing to myself, “someone like you.”- Adele But I've realized that it's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone. & I don't want love just because I had foolishing believed that it would miraculously solve all my life's problems for me. How silly of me to ask for love only because I had felt lonely. I want love when I'm ready. I'm thinking clearly now so no more crying, I will be happy everyday because I don't have any reason not to be. I'm going to continue to explore & love myself. There is nothing stopping me from laughing, from loving, from living- & now I know sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. I love you & I guess I'll never stop loving you, I wish you nothing but the best, & yes, with no regrets, this is good bye. -

I open my window & I can start to feel the rain pouring down. So I went outside for a walk & ended up crying. "You were never like the others." I wish I had it in me to walk up to you at graduation & say I have liked you too for what seems like my entire life. I guess it's true that you're finally going. But I don't want you to leave. I don't exactly understand why it is I feel this way. Sometimes there really aren't enough tears to get over the pain. These tears are words that my heart can't say. I guess it's been bothering me because I've been wondering... what if you're the one I've been waiting for my whole life, and I let you go? I just wanted us to be close, for things to get better. But deep down,you already know how I feel & if that isn't enough for you to stay, then I want you to know that I'll be okay. & that I wish you nothing but the best. And I look at the rain again, beautiful, refreshing & clean. Rain makes everything beautiful, it's like a fresh start. I lifted my chin and I let the rain wash the tears away. It cleans everything, washing away everything that hurts. It leaves a beautiful post-rain smell, & a new day. Don't stop believing in tomorrow. After everything, I still believe this world is a beautiful place.

I wish I could tell you how much I stll love you, how I still think about you everyday. I wish I could tell you everything I've been keeping inside for so long. I wish I could hold you and feel complete again. ... But I can't, because it's more than time and distance that seperates us. You're a million miles away and I don't know how to get to where you are. ... We don't talk like we used to and you never come around these days. You stopped caring a long time ago, and now I see that it's time for me to let go too. ... Even though what we had doesn't exist anymore, I want you to know that you will always mean something to me. ...

<33. awwwwh I'm glad you finally get some time alone (: it's nice to just relax and enjoy yourself! xoxo

I've been so frustrated with you, and I guess it's because I have such a fascination with looking at you lately... studying all of the lines and curves of your face or the viens in your hands has become one of my favorite things. If you asked me why I like you, I would say I don't know for sure. It's not a question I can answer, because I don't quite understand it. I don't know why you first sparked my interest when you did. I'm not sure why I get extremely nervous when I... look at you or talk to you. I simply don't understand. The only thing I know, the only thing I understand is that I can't find the words to describe my affection for your personality and, dare I say, your soul. I've been trying to keep it together, but I've been losing sleep and forget how to function properly sometimes when it's all that I can think about. One day, I'll tell you how much I love you. Just not today.

Hey Ms.Lovely, Regardless of the age differances, I'm just like you, I'm lonely too. (: In my life so far, I've never had a "lover," I've only ever dreamt of it, wrote about it. All I can say is don't look for it, it'll come knocking on your door and he/she will sweep you right underneath your feet. But for now, keep looking and keep loving yourself, there's too much too life to be happy about than to be sad about it! xoxo take care, Tony (:

I can remember the exact moment I fell in love with you. It was about 3 of 4 seconds after we first met. You looked at me then quickly looked down, as if out of shyness or nervousness. After about a second you somehow found the courage to look back at me and you had a smile on your face that I can't describe in words. That was the exact moment I fell in love with you. You have me and we hadn't even spoken a word yet. ...

- ahaha, I've been on GA for awhile so I should definately "participate" more (: - well here goes nothing! (: I took this 1 while having a study break yesterday xD and here I am with my bff <333

[personal rant, I just let everything flow out of me. Not really a poem, didn't even care if it made sense. But this is mine, all of it and how I felt after dealing with a heartache.] I look into the mirror and I ask myself, "Please stop crying -- don't you know that you are absolutely beautiful?" What can you do when your good isn't good enough? Everything we've done has made a mess of things. I guess I felt it for awhile, that sudden urge to cry, but I've been detaching myself from letting it all go. We both know that we can't go back and undo it. We'll just have to face these mistakes together, but where are you? I waited, and I waited, but you never called me. Maybe it's true that you got too much pride, but I thought that things would be different. ...I was convinced, as I stared at the phone, I continued to wait. I sat in darkness, reminiscing on the good, the bad, the ugly, the smiles, the laughs, the funny or all the things we put each other through-- It's for you, for me, for us. I don't want to cry, yet I can't stop. Because I know, I know deep down that I've lost you, a friend, somebody whom I have come to love. I just didn't see it, I just didn't know it, and I guess it hurts me to say that maybe, just maybe, it's too late and you're already gone. Bottom line is that I miss you, you need to know that I love you, when will you realize that I care? Tell me the truth, and I will forgive you and I will always be here for you. ... Love your friend, Tony.