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Bleu

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  1. Bleu

    3 years on

    By Bleu,

    Where does time go? Apparently the last time I posted on here was more than 3 years ago. I still come to GA pretty much on a daily basis, but I am not as active in the forum or in chat as I once was. Anyway, I thought it would be a good idea to recap what's been happening over the past year and have a look at the one ahead.
     
    Most of late 2013 and early 2014 was dedicated to making Jian_Sierra's move to France possible. It has been a long time in the making. There were multiple difficulties to overcome, which we lifted one by one. Maybe he will tell you one day how it looked from his perspective (if he lets go of his PS Vita long enough ). Anyway, he arrived in France in August, just as I had left Paris to get a job in a smaller city. Just in case you wondered, living together beats living 3,000 miles away from each other! Our long-distance relationship could not have lasted 3 years without the Internet, Skype, smartphones, etc., and I am so very thankful for this technology. And now I can say that it was worth the wait
     
    It feels comfortable to live as a couple. I had decided early on that once we lived together, I would not be hiding our relationship, so this has meant a lot of coming outs in the past few months. A few weeks ago, we went together to a wedding in my family. Therefore I am now out to all of my extended family. We didn't receive any bad reactions, which is a very good thing. We hardly raised any eyebrows, even though most people know that I was previously in a relationship with a woman for 12 years. I am told that society's view on gay/bi people has evolved and that it's now no big deal when someone comes out as gay. So anyway, 2015 starts with a lot less coming outs to organise than 2014: I probably still have to tell a few close colleagues at work (it's a small city, so they're bound to discover it at some point), a few other friends or previous colleagues from Paris... It will be fine.
     
    The new job I started in September is going well. I am managing a small team, and they don't seem to hate me yet. Plus, I am getting familiar with all the issues that we have to deal with. Anyway, not going to bore you with the details.
     
    Among my New Year resolutions is to set up a proper running schedule. I have selected 2 marathons for this year. We'll see if training goes well: last year I trained fine but got sick just before the scheduled marathon, which was very disappointing.
     
    In other news, I discovered recently that my PhD thesis was used by several Les Miserables fanfiction writers for background information. Some of those stories have male/male relationships. Hehe, I never envisioned that, as I was poring over 19th century archives to try to make sense of them.
     
    I will also be hitting 40 in a few days. I am not overly stressed about it, despite Jian's teasing that I am soooooo old . I guess that it's one of those meaningful moments in life that one is supposed to celebrate. My family and friends requested a party, so I might organise something in the Spring. Outside parties are not a great idea in the middle of winter.
     
    All in all, 2015 looks like it's going to be a good year. I am starting to plan our summer vacations (but shushhh, don't tell Jian). We might be able to make it to the UK at some point this year, but probably won't make it to the US for a visit to GA and non-GA friends before 2016...
  2. Bleu

    A taste of paradise

    By Bleu,

    Long time no blog...
     
    Most people missed my last blog post because it didn't appear in the list of recent posts. That was a side effect of the delayed publication setting... There went another failed attempt at humour.
     
    The highlight of the past two months is obviously my trip to the Philippines and my visit to John. The GA meetup in London was great too, but ... no offence to the nice peeps I saw or met there ... it could hardly compare.
     
    So let's rewind to early August. The stakes were high when I took off from London because we had both invested quite a bit of energy, time, money, and emotions in the preparation for this visit. Some irreversible decisions had been taken. It is not my story to tell so I'll only mention that three weeks before my arrival John came out to his family and that the news were not adversely received.
     
    The main goal of the trip was to finally meet John in real life and to spend some quality time together. I think we did all right on the main objective. At least, John did not run away screaming when he saw me. It was quite an emotional moment to finally be able to hold him in my arms, and gaze in his eyes.
     
    Contrary to some of the teasing I was subjected to in London we didn't spend all our time in a hotel room. We visited places that John knew well, and others that we discovered together. So many things were new to me. I am no stranger to travelling: I have been to the US several times, to Latin America twice, and to several European countries, but this was my first time in Asia. There was obviously some culture shock, especially because, thanks to John, I was immersed into the Filipino culture. My experience would have been vastly different if I had spent all the time in a resort, cut off from the local population. Being a gay couple did not prove to be a problem there. I didn't feel that we were looked at or treated differently. The fact that I so obviously look like a Westerner may have played a role, I don't know...
     
    The Philippines is a very striking country in that it appeasr both reassuringly familiar and utterly different. The language is no barrier: pretty much everyone speaks English. And even if I didn't understand Filipino, it includes many words of Spanish and English origin and uses the Latin alphabet, so there is always some degree of familiarity.
     
    The landscapes didn't look like anything I had seen before, though some parts reminded me of the tropical forest surrounding the Iguazu Falls. I regret not wandering into rice fields on foot, but I got my fill of white sandy beaches, coral reef, and banana and palm tree plantations on Bohol Island. Manila is a world in itself, with its rush of people, the insane traffic, the heat and humidity. John had warned me about the poverty that I would not fail to witness, and indeed it was ever present. It was the first time that I was confronted to it on such a scale, apart from that one time when I got lost in the slums on the hills outside Acapulco. Anyway... I can't pretend to understand all the ins and outs of the economic and social situation of the country, so I won't dwell on that.
     
    I think I adapted well to the local food, apart from a few items that were just way too strange. The culture is also a mix of Western and Asian influences so there is always an element that you can relate to. I think I need to visit another Asian country in order to get another point of reference for what life is in that part of the world.
     
    After this short time together, we face the future on our own once again, but we are now looking in the same direction. We are aware of family and job commitments, and of the administrative obstacles which might prevent us from making a life together in the near future. However, we are both patient men, and we're in this together.
     

    * * * * * * * * * * *


     
     
    This new-found happiness sometimes brings memories of more ancient happy and unhappy times. I wrote part of the above in my note-book, while sitting on the imposing staircase which lies outside my former workplace and reflecting on how much my life has changed over the last 6 years. I used to sit there and cry when grief overwhelmed me and I didn't want to show my tear-streaked face to my co-workers. Mourning is a long process, which never really ends. It becomes part of you and leaves a scar. Most of the time, I forget about the scar, but sometimes it hurts a little. A few minutes ago, the radio started playing Pink Floyd's Wish you were here, which was played at my wife's funeral. And I shed a few tears, something I had not done for several months. At times, I feel fleeting pangs of guilt for embarking upon a new relationship, for leaving her behind... but that guilt does not last for long. As I wrote at the end of Through dark and cold seasons, she gave her blessings to the person I would love one day. She encouraged me to find a new love, and I have found it in John.
  3. Bleu
    We all have heard about and pondered —or maybe later regretted not pondering enough— the traditional question: How far should one go on a first date?
     
    You know... the awkward first date, when you want to show the guy that you like him without appearing too forward / clingy / horny. You want to find the right balance that will demonstrate both interest and respect, that will keep him focused on you while leaving all options open on the scale of "How about another date one of these days?" to "Will you marry me?".
     
    The practical aspects of the questions are what happens beyond the yet again traditional dinner + movie scenario: any touching and if so, how much? Any kissing? Any...?
    You get the picture.
     
    Under the current circumstances, I think I have found my own answer. For my next first date, this is how far I am willing to go:
     
     
     
     
     
    Right now, as this is being posted —provided I didn't mess up with the delayed publication settings— I should be somewhere between two continents, on my way to the said date. Too late to chicken out of this one... not that I ever planned to do that.
     
    I wish we both find in the other one what our long-distance relationship has promised so far. There is so much that is Promising about this guy .
  4. Bleu
    I thought today would be a good time to look at the past year.
    I came out to my parents exactly a year ago. So, even though I had previously come out to a handful of friends (including my future wife) in 1995, I take this date as a major step towards switching from the straight lifestyle I had maintained up to that point.
     
    Overall this new episode in my personal life feels quite good. By this, I mean that I am happy with how I have changed over the past year and a half, acknowledging the gay side which I had kept in the closet for so long, meeting other gay people, enjoying the GA stories and community, etc. One of my close co-workers is a lesbian and I get to talk freely with her, which helps anchor my feelings into reality instead of having them contained to the virtual world. I can speak freely with my siblings as well; they are very understanding. Over the past year I also experimented with the ups and downs of gay dating. I had crushes on a few guys, again with some good and some bad experiences.
     
    But to be honest, most of my gay life is not in plain sight. Those I'm not yet out to (most of my workmates, more distant family members and friends) still see me as a widower who will soon find another woman and raise a family. So far, there was nothing that really called for an explanation of my love life, but that may change in the near future.
     
    I have tried to come out to the closest people in my life but it hasn't always been easy: some close friends live far away and it's an issue I'd rather discuss face-to-face. When I saw one of my best friends recently, his young daughter was around all the time and it didn't feel proper to come out in front of her. A similar missed opportunity with another friend, who is quite gay-friendly, also left me disappointed. Sometimes, it really gnaws at me that I still have to lie about it. On Friday, one of the secretaries at work was asking about my upcoming vacation, and she went "Oh, they have very beautiful girls, there, you know...". I really had to bite my tongue not to spell things out for her. But it's a bit premature, especially since I've fallen in love with someone I have yet to meet in real life. And we are not close neighbours, to say the least.
     
    The most moving change happened quite recently when my parents came up from the country to visit me. They know there is a new significant person in my life now, not because I told them as much, but because of some decisions I've taken which can only be explained by it. So when my mum saw a framed picture of John next to my computer and asked, in a soft tone, "Is that your boyfriend?", I could only nod and say "uh huh". Of course, I had put the picture there for them to see. But that the term "boyfriend" would come from her first, and not from me, I had not expected... and even though the conversation that ensued did not much go into details, it warmed my heart.
  5. Bleu

    Failures and victories

    By Bleu,

    The past few weeks have been full of contrasted events.
     
    In the list of failures I have to include my last marathon race. This time, I wasn't able to train as well as I did last year because my ankle never fully recovered from last summer's fracture. I only managed to run about 45 to 50km a week instead of the 60-70 I should have done. Despite that, I thought I would be able to finish it. Well, I had to give up around mile 18. It's the first time I can't complete a marathon. I made mistakes in the way I ate and drank both before and during the race. Basically, I did not eat enough solid food, and ended up with very painful intestinal cramps. After a few forced stops, my mental stamina was dwindling and every time I stopped my ankle would freeze up and I had to hobble for a few hundred yards until the ankle was warm again. It could only last for so long...
    It's disappointing because I could have done better and because I felt very good at the start. I passed the semi-marathon mark in 1hr37' which is slightly disappointing but not completely awful. What's even more annoying is that if I had ran as well as last year, I would have made it to the 16th place (it's a small marathon of only 650 runners, with no national-level runners). What's more worrying is that my ankle might be screwed for good. It looks like it can handle up to a half-marathon but no more.
     
    Another disappointment is work related. First, I was supposed to write an article for a professional journal, but soon realised I wasn't familiar enough with the topic. I tried to enlist the help of a colleague but it didn't work out for either of us, so in the end, after procrastinating and missing the deadline I told the editor I couldn't do it. Not good! Now I bet they won't ask me for another contribution for some time.
    Otherwise, I am fine with what I do at work but I find the red tape really annoying. And my boss would like me to get more involved with that kind of crap because he would like me to take on more responsibilities next year. I'd rather keep doing what I do now. But if I want a promotion, I should go with what he wants, not what I want. That would mean more hours at work, etc. Meh....
     
    Among the more positive events that recently occurred are the fact that I'm more confident with being seen as gay or bi. Last week I went to a gay pride in a city an hour from where my parents live. I have a gay friend there, who belongs to the local LGBT association. I joined the group for the pre-pride dinner, and marched with them the next day. I bumped into one of my cousins during the pride, who also happens to be a friend of my friend. I looked the part of the straight friend supporting his gay friend... but I don't want to be doing that for too long. By the way, there was a group of skinheads and right-wings extremists who tried to block the parade. They got booed and had to retreat. The police was there to keep things cool.
     
    I also went to the Paris pride yesterday. I met up with a group of Anglo-Saxon expats I joined a few months ago. I expected to see some of the guys I met some weeks back, but funny enough I found myself the only guy with 9 lesbians. I was the only one carrying a rainbow flag until two of the girls bought theirs and then we started marching. It was a huge event, like last year. The police say we were 36,000, which is a ridiculous number, seeing we were much closer to 500,000. But since gay marriage was rejected by the French Parliament last week (that was another —largely expected— disappointment), the current government wants to minimize our importance. I can't wait for next year's election. If the candidate for the Left wins I expect we will get gay marriage within two years.
     
    Another victory was being able to speak with my parents about being at the parade, and about the debate over gay marriage. We've hardly spoken about my love life since I came out to them almost a year ago. They still had hopes for me to go to the straight side of my bi personality, and I've been reluctant to throw my dating experience of the last few months in their faces. Let's just say they're getting the picture now that I told them bits of my summer plans, the London GA meetup being the least shocking revelation.
     
    Of course, this being more "proud" of who I am is bolstered by the major victory I cling to: I'm in love . Even though I was in a long-term loving relationship before (more than 10 years), I don't pretend to know how love works. But I think I can tell when I'm not in love, and this isn't one of those times.
     
    I want to shout everywhere the name of the man who makes me so happy. It is tough to remain in control while wanting to dive into the feelings of happiness..., tough to find the right balance between enjoying the moment for what it is and thinking about a possible future. The obvious obstacles to our relationship (distance, culture, language, etc.) make it very fragile. I'm sure the image is corny, but I was trained as a library curator, so I hope you'll forgive me. I feel like I was given this very delicate historical piece to handle, and it is way too precious to break, so I'm holding my breath until I can carry it to a safer place.
     
    Telling people about the man I care for means more work on the coming-out front: first, my best friend from high school next week-end (that should be a breeze); then, at the end of the summer I can see a more difficult coming-out looming: that to my late wife's family. I have no idea what to expect from them, so it's a bit worrying as I don't want this new development on my side to affect the way they see the past 15 years. Whatever happens, they can't get in the way of the relationship I have at the moment nor change how I intend to develop and strengthen it.
  6. Bleu
    Happy, elated even, best describes how I have been feeling for the past few weeks.
     
    My last blog post is only just over two weeks old, but enough stuff has been happening to warrant an update, so here it is: happiness has quietly settled down and decided to make its nest in my heart. It has grown, reinforced by daily communication and new discoveries. John and I have decided to keep trying to know each other better. So... it's still very early days... but we're doing good, I think.
     
    We understand the dangers of long-distance relationships. There are many examples of such relationships failing; there are also, thankfully, some more positive examples of similar relationships still going strong after one year (*points at Paya and Westie*).
     
    I already knew that communication is key to a developing relationship. I now know that Internet access is key to a long-distance one. My phone line went out two weeks ago; and after 2 hours, seeing that the internet was still not back, I was frantic. After a trip to the local library (that has free internet access) in order to alert John, I rushed to buy a BlackBerry. [That means I can now read GA stories on my way to and from work, so double bonus ]
     
    Getting a short message from John every once in a while is enough to brighten up my day but my mood is also helped by the fact that I feel healthy and in shape like I have never felt since I was 18..., if ever. I have pretty much reached my goal of 135lbs (for 158lbs 3 years ago). I'm still preparing for my June marathon, with another marathon scheduled in November. Initially, I was going to train like crazy for this last one, because the plan was to qualify for the Boston marathon (one of my major objectives), a goal which was quite within reach last year before I broke my ankle, since I had run my last race under 3h08'. Whatever time I will make this year won't matter much because I don't think I will be travelling to the US in the Spring of 2012. My eyes are rather turned towards the East right now .
     

    * * * * * *




    In other news, I was invited to an exhibition at the Paris City Hall earlier this week. On top of standing just a few feet away from the Paris Mayor while he improvised a great speech in honour of an American historian, getting free champagne and petits-fours, I was fascinated by the exhibition. It consisted of archives from writers and editors from the World War II period. It showed how French writers and poets chose sides at that time. Some joined the Resistance and wrote against German occupation and against the French Vichy government which collaborated with the Germans. Others embraced the new German-friendly regime and its anti-Semitic, nationalistic and reactionary ideas. It is a terrible thing to see a country so utterly divided, to see people who worked together in the 1930s being thrown into irreconcilable camps. This was only 70 years ago, and a similar situation could happen again. I am particularly worried about the far-right gaining ground in many countries recently (France, Finland, Belgium, the Netherlands, etc.). Jews, Communists, gays, and many other categories of people, were sent to the death camps last time those guys were in power.
     
    Anyway... this prompted me to wonder what I would have done if I had been a writer/intellectual in 1940 France. Although I'd like to think that I would have joined the Resistance, it's easy to think that from the comfort of my 21st-century life. Would I have been ready to sacrifice my job? my reputation? my life? the lives of friends and family?
     
    So I'll leave you guys with the words of Martin Niemöller:
     
    (Source)
     
    Our own happiness doesn't mean we have to forget about pain and suffering, past and present.
  7. Bleu

    Unexpected happiness

    By Bleu,

    Blue sky shows up when you least expect it.
     
    I will admit that my last blog entry was a little dejected. I don't tend to fall for the first cute face I see on the street, or the first guy I meet. Between July last year and this March I used the services of a dating site. In all, I met 4 guys. For various reasons which I won't get into here, two relationships blossomed and quickly died. I was very drawn to a third guy (although I never got to really know him), but he wasn't feeling the same towards me. After the last attempt to get a date with him, which I described in my last blog post, I unsubscribed from the site. I vaguely planned on using another dating site: I even started filling an online form, but couldn't be bothered to finish it. I decided to give dating a break for a while. I wasn't giving up on love, just giving myself the time to think about my priorities.
     
    Meanwhile, there had always been another guy on my mind, someone I'd met through a different site. I had developed a big crush on him, but he had been on and off the site, and I had never really planned on telling him about my crush, perfectly convinced that he would not be in the least interested. He was someone whose personality was both appealing and intriguing, whom I quietly admired from the sideline.
     
    Over the months my crush had settled in my heart; it was part of me. I hadn't forgotten about it, but I didn't exactly expect anything to happen. I left clues here and there but they were so subtle that there was no way he could really detect anything; that was the beauty of it: being able to satisfy my need to give small signs of my interest for him, without having to reveal myself. Who wants to see their feelings reduced to ashes in one instant?
     
     
    Then a few days ago, right out the blue we ended up chatting, and lo and behold, my crush seemed to find its match in him. I couldn't believe my eyes at first. A small part of me thought that it must be a prank; a bigger part of me was frantically trying not to mess it up. But he was actually more nervous than I was, and in the end, instead of losing my mind, I felt strangely elated and serene all at once.
     
    Let's just say that the past few days have been interesting and rewarding. I have only felt this kind of buzz once before. This time, however, it feels—for want of a better word—purer. It doesn't feel like we're trying to seduce each other, to play the dating game. We know that the road ahead is a rocky one, so we're just trying to discover each other by spending all day chatting. Whole aspects of his personality have become known to me now, in as much as you can get to know someone through an online conversation.
     
    All the right signs are there: my heart beats faster if I see him online; I want to rush home to speak to him when I'm out running errands; he makes me smile and laugh with just a few words…
     
    In this emotional rush we are aware that all this, though necessary to start with, does not make a relationship. For it to work out, we have to build the rest together, and it will take time. But we're in this together, getting strength from one another, so why doubt that we can make it?
  8. Bleu

    Ouch

    By Bleu,

    No need to sound so amazed. I don't have an exceptional memory.
    I just remember what we talked about last time we chatted even though it was 5 months ago. Of course I paid attention to what you like, to what your interests are, to what we have in common, to what is dear to both of us.
    That's what I do when I have a crush on someone. I'm stupid like that.
     
    You obviously don't feel the same. I guess I should have known when you said I wasn't really your type but that there was no harm in having a coffee together.
    I was the only one who saw something where there was nothing.
    Of course I didn't tell you about the crush. How weird would that have been?
     
    I have been waiting for months for this annual fair, knowing we had talked about it, knowing that would provide the opportunity for another meeting with you. I didn't say a date, just a meeting, nothing fancy.
    So you don't have time to accompany me to this amazing fair, for which I've already got tickets, to see stuff you enjoy and are supposedly an expert on.
     
    Yet you ended your message with "See you another time".
     
    Sweet, sweet torture...
     
    Above is the message I'm NOT sending him.
     
    The lame message I'll send will be along the lines of: "Well, really too bad you have to work this week-end. Maybe another time, then." I am not renewing my subscription to that site; that way his handsome face will stop taunting me every time I log on. *sigh*
  9. Bleu
    I'm really in a mind to not try getting a boyfriend for a while. Dating is such a confusing affair!
     
    So far this year, I dated this one guy, whom I met over a dating website. I don't multidate, like some people do. I like to concentrate on one objective, and I do trust that the other guy is doing the same.
     
    We had many things in common, never ran out of conversation, have pretty similar outlooks on life. The fact that we are both bi-lingual French-English was a definite plus.
     
    After meeting him for the first time, I was aware that he was not quite my type: a little too effeminate for my taste and way too gay-looking for my straight-looking/straight-acting personna. But we hit it off on so many intellectual levels that I decided to let things run their course and to continue the relationship. After all, I have been known to fall in love with a person who was not necessarily my type (i.e. a woman! ) and subsequently have 12 years of perfect happiness which only ended with her untimely death.
     
    Also, I thought that maybe I was still a bit squeamish about living the gay lifestyle and that this guy, who is clearly much more confident about it than I am, could help me assert myself.
     
    So I went into that relationship half-heartedly, but willing to give it a chance.
     
    Recipe for disaster
     
    I should have known: where were the stomach butterflies I should have felt every time I thought about him? Where was the urge to call him every hour? To buy him a gift? To suggest we go see a movie?
     
    Then a few weeks ago he sent me a text saying that we needed to talk. And I thought "Huh hoh, he's going to complain, and rightly so, that I'm not giving 100% to this relationship, that I'm not committed enough, that I'm letting myself float about at the mercy of outside forces, like a ball at the top of a wave".
     
    Well, he had something entirely different on his mind. He told me that he had meant to tell me before but was afraid of my reaction: he's HIV+. This is a story I told there. I think I reacted appropriately at the time, unwilling to crush him there and then. And frankly I really didn't feel like crushing his hopes. However, after talking about it with some GA friends, I came to realise the dangers he made me go through by not telling me, and also that he abused my trust. This was the catalyst, not the main reason, for our break-up. We met in a café recently and he asked me point-blank if I thought our relationship was going somewhere? My silence was much more eloquent than any word I could have said. Yeah, sometimes I'm not very good with words at all.
     
    I'm giving dating a wide berth for a while...
     
    .... unless that really cute guy that I met once....
     
    Oh damn it!
  10. Bleu

    Being openly gay... or not

    By Bleu,

    I've been wondering lately if I am really ready to live openly as a gay man. Or rather, to what degree...
     
    As a matter of principle, I refuse to hide. I never needed to while I was in a straight relationship, and I shouldn't have to now....
     
    Well, principles and reality sometimes conflict.
     
    I am generally discrete and usually go unnoticed in the street. The guy I dated in September/October (whom I mentioned in my last post) was very discrete. When we were together in public you could not have guessed that we were a couple. The situation is quite different with the guy I'm currently dating. He's more confident about who he is. He's also more obviously gay, even to someone with no gaydar at all. The other day, we had lunch together not far from where I work and some of my colleagues walked in the restaurant. I stressed for a few seconds and then thought "What the hell! If I'm outed this way then so be it." But they didn't see us. However, later on, I didn't let him kiss me in the street.
     
    On my way back from the UK meet, which was a really nice experience by the way, one that I'm willing to repeat this August, I found myself in a situation I had never experienced before. I was in a stop area on an English motorway and I decided to grab a coffee and use the free wifi to check up my messages. I ended up checking GA as well, of course. I wasn't particulary cautious about surfing in a public place, since no one knew me there, and there were only a couple of older ladies around. Suddenly a group of young men in sportswear came in. Most of them passed in front of me, but one came from behind me and glanced at my computer. And obviously he saw the "GA Gay Authors - Quality gay fiction" at the top of my screen, and quickly proceeded to tell his friends. I didn't realise immediately because I was engrossed in my reading of Nephy's account of our meet. But then I realised that they were all looking at me from time to time, some barely glancing at me, some eyeing me directly. I started blushing furiously and had to calm myself down. Then the next time I looked up at the group, I held the gaze of those who were looking at me and smiled. I continued surfing until it was time for me to go.
     
    As I left to return to my car, I made sure to ignore them. But when I reached it, I saw that they were all looking at me through the window. I resisted the urge to wave at them, but I smiled more broadly and shook my head in disbelief.
     
    I was lucky in a way; they were young, probably 20-22 yo, and not threatening. I could have been much worse off if that group had been drunken football fans on their way back from a match. That made me realise that while I've never felt unsafe before, this might all change in the new life I'm heading for.
  11. Bleu

    Dating

    By Bleu,

    Almost three months since my last entry already! Quite a bit has happened.
     
    I was on GA a lot over the summer, since I spent three weeks in a cast and was stuck at my parents't house with no means to drive back home. I ended up coming out to my parents at that time. It was hard on them, but not dramatic, and was probably made easier by the fact that I came out as bisexual. They keep hoping I'll end up marrying again even though I made it clear that I wasn't going to date women right now.
     
    On the contrary.... following someone's advice on GA I registered in the gay section at a prominent dating site. I was a bit freaked out when one of the first 3 guys who visited my profile turned out to be someone I know from work. I've lived a straight life so far and I'm not out at the work place. Since then, though, I've come out to a few more colleagues/friends. I'd rather they learn about it from me than from office rumours.
     
    I got a few contacts on that dating site, including some creeps, but I guess that was to be expected.
     
    The first guy who contacted me was interesting. We chatted on MSN for a while and we hit it off although he is from a very different background than mine. We decided to meet. The date itself was a disaster. Since he was coming from out of town I went to meet him at the train station. I was late because I was not used to walking with my crutches, and he got 2 of his bags stolen while waiting for me. So we actually met at the police station. :wacko: Talk about a fun way to break the ice! Anyway, since he'd lost papers, money, apartment keys, etc., I offered him to stay at my place. Long story short, we ended up spending much more time together than we had expected. Some of it was ok, some of it just strange. Although he's a sweet guy, he's got a lot of issues to deal with and I don't think we were quite right together. So I started cooling things down with him after he'd left Paris. Then he suddenly got pissed off at me for a comment I made, and when I tried to understand I realised that he had been lying and playing with me. :wacko: Now a month has passed and he's apologised to me, but I can tell that it would not have worked. In a way I'm glad for the experience. How else would I have discovered that I'm not into effeminate guys who carry Paul Smith handbags and are more interested in their facial cream than in finding a suitable job to pay for said handbag? (no offense meant to those of you who fit that description).
     
    Then I met a second guy, and we're a much better match. This time I was extra early to the first date, and he was late. It started really really well, and I even wrote a poem about him. We took things slowly and I believed it could work out if we managed to iron out some differences and meet half-way on certain issues. Right now, though, I don't quite know where we stand. It's that weird time in a relationship where, after a few weeks, things should either get very serious or break down completely. In a month's time we might just be friends and nothing more, but I think I could settle for even that.
     
    Arghh,... I still have so much to learn in the dating department! When is Mr Right gonna show up?
  12. Bleu
    I'm being slightly unfaithful to GA.
    Or rather, I'm broadening my rainbow horizon beyond GA.
    Just to recap, GA was the first gay site that I started to visit regularly a few months ago. Various messages on the boards prompted me to come out to a few friends and family members, but I'm still mostly in the closet.
     
    Things are moving along though... in my mind, at least, and I'm growing incredibly impatient about meeting someone. It might seem strange, since it took me months to figure out what I really wanted. But since I took my decision to look the gay way rather than the straight way, part of me expects the Earth to suddenly open up and reveal the new love of my life.
     
    Since that is unlikely, I decided to give the Earth a little help.
     
    Two weeks ago I registered at a French LGBT website. I figure I need some closer, local perspective on what I'm going through, and I need to meet new people. Don't get me wrong, I'm meeting plenty of nice people over here, and I'm not leaving GA any time soon. But as much as I like GA, it gets me nowhere closer to having someone to kiss goodnight and wake up next to in the morning. Even worse, I feel like, because I'm new to this "self-reinvention" I'm likely to get a silly crush on someone here and get hurt in the process. I will deny any claim that it's happened already. Shusshh! After all, it's easy to chat on an anonymous forum: you don't get the awkwardness of a face-to-face conversation, it leaves plenty to the imagination and you can hide your flaws and ugly mug behind a cute avatar.
     
    Anyway, I need to slap myself back to reality.
     
    So, even if this Paris website is no more a dating site than GA is, I'm hoping to get some contats close to home, and meet some like-minded people in real life, without having to go through the scary bars and clubs or the creepy dating sites, where all the guys apparently want is get into your pants, not into your heart.
     
    Last week, I went one step further and registered at an international gay meeting group over here. These guys go and grab a beer or coffee from time to time in a neutral non-gay environment, and this is something I'm comfortable with. For some reason, the idea of getting a French boyfriend does not really appeal to me. I've been used to having some international flavour in my life, so anything else than French would be nice! Not that I would reject a French lover if I found one!
     
    On Sunday, I also found myself in public in a group of openly gay people, within a bigger crowd. It was a first, so I felt a little intimidated but otherwise I was fine. I made some new friends and now it looks like I won't be going to the Gay Pride by myself. That will be another step further out of the closet, one that I need to take so that my own choices really sink in, and move from the fluttery virtual world, to the tangible, real one.
  13. Bleu

    love vs. lust

    By Bleu,

    Going down the gay road: stage 3.
     
    I had a long phone conversation with my best friend from junior high two nights ago. Over the years we have drifted apart and it was a little awkward at first because we had barely exchanged more than a few words for the past 15 years. It's only in the last year that we've been in contact again, thanks to Facebook.
     
    Anyway, he's one of a small number of openly gay guys I know in real life that I feel comfortable talking to about my coming out and more generally about the way I feel now. Well, he came up with several good pieces of advice. He shared some of his past and I did the same. I must admit that it surprised me how much different our roads to gay-hood were. For many years in high school and college he was in a loving but strictly platonic relationship with another guy. Love was what he was after
  14. Bleu

    Overcompensating

    By Bleu,

    So, as planned in my last post, I did come out to my siblings over the Easter week-end, while we were all together with their respective spouse and children. Everyone proved really supportive and understanding.
     
    It was apparently a big surprise for my brothers, until they realised that some of my past started to make much more sense seen in this light. Not so much of a surprise for my sister, because of things I had hinted at in the now distant past. And also because she's now very close to my best friend from junior high whom I kind of lost touch with after I went to boarding school and then moved to Paris to go to college. I wasn't around when he came out at 23. He now is in a civil partnership with another guy. Anyway... he spotted me on his gaydar some time ago and voiced his suspicions to my sister.
     
    It's a relief to know that my siblings will be there to support me when I decide to tell my parents. I believe that my parents would be more ready to understand now that they would have been 15 years ago when I almost told them. They've somewhat evolved along with society, even if society changes more slowly in rural France than it does in the cities.
     
    Anyway, I've been changing a lot too. All my gay sensors, that had been decommissioned in 1997 are back, more or less in working order. I suspect they're trying to make up for lost time, and getting on overdrive. The other night, I was with a group of American and Brits (men and women alike) in a bar, just trying to know each other better. I talked to 3 different guys and each time got convinced they were gay. It turned out that #1 had a daughter, #2 had "kids", #3 was setting up a surprise anniversary party for his wife.
    Either my gaydar is really screwed up, or I'm meeting a lot of bisexual guys like myself.
     
    Looked up "gaydar tuner" in the Yellow pages but didn't find anything. *sigh*
  15. Bleu

    Life changes

    By Bleu,

    I have decided to open this blog because I am no longer the person I was a month ago, and I need a place where I can chart my journey into self-(re)discovery. I have been keeping another friends-only blog elsewhere for 4 years but don't feel like going into too much detail in it. Some stuff might just be TMI there, while it would find its natural place here.
     
    So here goes the background info about myself, pretty much copied and modified from my About me page: I started accepting myself as gay when I was 18. I almost worked up the courage to tell my family but since I wasn't in a relationship I never felt compelled to do it. Shortly after, I met a gorgeous and absolutely amazing girl (I'll call her "B" here). We became friends very quickly and I came out to her. But by that time she had already fallen in love with me, and over the course of the next few months she successfully pulled me to the dark straight side. We spent 12 fantastic years together. I had put my gay inclinations back into their closet but was absolutely fine with that. It was simply a non-issue, as love filled every need I might have had. As couples go, we were extremely close, always together, whether working or having fun. We were going to expand our little family when cancer decided otherwise and, after two years, took her away from me. This was now more than two years ago, two years of grief and pain. But time works relentlessly and pain slowly made way for deep sadness. Before she died, she had made me promise to try and find love again, and I now need to hold this promise.
     
    Now I know how this might sound weird, opening a gay blog to pay tribute to my lovely wife. But there is simply no way I can do otherwise. She was just truly amazing and had she lived, I honestly believe we would have gone on as a couple until old age.
     

    *****


    I came upon GA at the end of January. I read a couple of stories, then cleaned my history and cache, and closed my browser, not expecting to return. Yes, I still felt guilty about going on a gay site, as if I were cheating on my wife (even though she had always been fine with me being Bi). But I must admit that the stories were so enthralling that I came back. And then I realised that I kept going back to the coming out stories. I dug up my diary from when I was 18/19 and tried to figure out why I hadn't come out to my parents then, although I had made plans to do so on my 19th birthday. I looked at how things are different now from what they were then and I realised that, contrary to what I thought, my gay feelings are indeed different today. I had left things where they were when I was 21 and I thought that all those years the object of my lust had not altered, in the sense that it meant nothing more than my teenage fantasies for another teenager. Lust, not love.
     
    My recent awakening is that it CAN be love and not just lust. And so the idea of a long-term relationship with a man suddenly has stopped looking utterly preposterous but instead become a distinct possibility.
     
    My gay experience is so pitiful it doesn't even qualify as experience if I am to believe what I read on some forums. But I won't deny the attraction anymore. As far as sexuality is concerned, I am aware that only B's love kept these gay leanings in the closet. In my current situation, they have been resurfacing and I have decided that it's time they leave that closet. I cannot ignore who I am, and I won't maintain a facade. I don't think I could start another relationship with a woman by pretending to be straight. If I tell her how I feel and she's fine with it, then we may have a shot at it. Same goes with a man.
     
    That's why a few weeks ago I decided to come out to people around me. From there, things seem to have gone very quickly, even though at times I wanted to speed them up even more. I came out to my best friend on March 10th. It went fine, just as I knew it would. She's a happily-married mother-of-two but we have a few colleagues who are openly gay and she was always fine with them.
     
    Then a week later I came out to another friend/colleague. She's a lesbian so I knew she would be sympathetic to my situation. We had never discussed intimate stuff before, but of course this discussion brought us much closer.
     
    Last week, I came out onto my other blog. My friends there have been amazingly understanding as well. They are online friends that I met through a forum, totally unrelated to the gay universe I should add. I have met some of them in real life, though, when I travelled to the UK and the US. All of them are female and they were as much my wife's friends as mine.
     
    So after all this I'm feeling quite relieved with the way things have been going forward. I'm planning on coming out to my siblings this Easter week-end. I already breached the subject with my sister back in 1996 when I had been with B for a short time. But we never discussed it further. I'm not expecting any difficulties from my brothers either. I can't say the same from my parents and extended family, though
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