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Westie

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  1. Westie

    Fallen Idols

    By Westie,

    They say that you shouldn't meet your idols - it only leads to disappointment...
     
    Well I can tell you from my own experience that it is true. You follow someone from afar, and you idealise them in your own head... put them on a pedestal, and create an image in your mind of what you expect them to be. But then you forget that the image that YOU project onto them is YOUR invention.
     
    I had a hero. And the image i created of him was of a "defender of the wronged" - I decided in my mind that he was the advocate of free speech, supporting everyone's right to have an opinion. I thought that he respected others for their diversity. I had made him up in my mind to be the sort of man who valued intellectual debate.
     
    How wrong I was....
     
    Becuase now i know him better... and I find that he is arrogent. He is the advocate of free speech - as long as it is his own. He does not mind the minority opinion - when he is in the minority. And while I do not mind an odd tirade against, for example, someone advocating the restriction of someone's free choice, I would prefer to see it done as an intellectual rejoinder.
     
    Instead of this... my idol lowers himself, and instead of embracing reasoned and structured argument, goes for the low blow of insults and ridicule.
     
    One of the very first posts I made here at GA was a tirade against an article written by Ray Comfort... one of the themes of that post was that Ray was using ridicule and scorn to score cheap points. I never thought i would see one of our own liberalists stoop to the same level.
     
    I had thought we were better than that...
     
    West
  2. Westie
    Today, my guy is telling his family about "us". He's text me a few times and it sounds as if they are happy for him - all good news for me. It makes me wish so much that i had someone i could tell. The fact is that I want to cry from the rooftops that i'm in love with my beautiful man, but my situation makes that difficult for the moment.
     
    Of course, I have this blog as an outlet - you guys always listen to me, provide feedback and advice. But its not the same.
     
    I use the blog as a sort of therapy to work thorugh my issues. Of course, my man always reads what i write too and so when i express myself here - he says it helps him understand me better.
     
    I guess we are all at differing stages in our "gay" development.... for instance, while the first time i was intimate with a man was over 10 years ago.... there are plenty of 18 year olds who are further on than I am. I guess that after 10 years... im still not comfortable in my skin - but now I have my guy... I'm getting there...
     
    West
  3. Westie

    new positivity....

    By Westie,

    I'm finding increasingly that the "positive outlook" I've had recently is spreading and building a momentum of its own. You know there has been a major problem in your life, when people look shocked, just because you're smiling. And its true that a smile on my face has been a rare thing. For so long... everything has been very serious and driven. Its nice to let the sunshine in.
     
    It's obvious that the sunlight is coming from the direction of my new man (and yes, in case you were wondering - i AM gonna bore you to death about my new guy, every post i can). Everything has changed for the better. Last night - or rather early this morning, i did something i have never done with anyone before. I opened up.
     
    I am an incredibly private person. even here at GA, i take steps to ensure my online world and the real world remain separate. But last night... i shared so much with my guy... only he knows both sides to me - and that is so liberating.
     
    As the emotional connection grows stronger, things are happening that i've never felt before. For a start... just hearing a song that reminds me of him... can instantly get me aroused *blush* (and apologies... too much detail).
     
    And then there's this... its early days... but for the very first time... i'm considering coming out. I don't want to hide my love with this guy... i want to shout it from the rooftops. I'm rehearsing ways of telling my mother (in fact, i considered just blurting it out when we had coffee this morning - "oh, by the way, you know I'm gay, don't you?"). The fact is, that coming out will create a massive number of impossible situations... but right now... with my guy by my side... i just don't care.
     
     
     
     
    West
  4. Westie

    Magic....

    By Westie,

    so the first thing you have to understand is... im not ever the best looking guy in the room. I am overweight... i carry it well but still... its an issue for me. I am self conscious about my hair and... well... uhmmm... lets just say i wouldn't mind a few more inches.
     
    Quite frankly, i have no idea why anyone would find me remotely attractive. but someone does... he told me so... he told me he loved me... he told me everything would be ok... and i believe him. i trust in him completely.
     
    So i have a few body image issues i have to deal with... up until now they mattered a great deal... now they hardly matter at all... except that now i don't sit here in self loathing - i want to better myself, for him and for me.
     
    I know that we have a rocky road. one day we will have to confront my issues - how to be "out" in a family that will never accept it - but right here, right now... im thinking this is forever.
     
    West
  5. Westie
    Life is full of events... the things that make you laugh, things that make you cry, things that make you want to scream, things that make your heart race...
     
    There are big things... major events that shape us... and they help make us the people we are. But lately, i have come to appreciate the little things in life... because it is the little things that for me have been so exhilarating...
     
    "I love you"....
     
    a text in the middle of a bad day...
     
    a random kiss...
     
    and it is making my life worthwhile
     
    West
  7. Westie
    I'm finding myself getting more and more drawn in to the world of GA.
     
    I've made a few friends here, and am starting to feel more comfortable with this portal that allows me to be honest with the world, if only through a veil of anonymity.
     
    Tonight was liberating. I had a conversation in chat with someone... and he asked me some direct questions. Questions about my past, and my future. And he has made me ponder the larger questions in my life - for starters, can i really bring myself to live a lie? Can I do that to a wife, if I marry? Could I lie to my children? And at the end of the day - am I not just lying to myself.
     
    I have obligations and a duty, but is it right that performing this duty comes at such a high price? If I'd have known as a child at what price I accepted my privileges, would I have been willing to pay that price?
     
    I feel as if I'm holding my world together through sheer will at the moment - and the edges are crumbling. I see that maybe I need to confront the demons that torment me if I am to gain peace.
     
    .... a lot to think about
     
    West
  8. Westie

    Election Fever

    By Westie,

    In case any of you hadn't noticed - there's an election going on here in the UK. We're entering into the final weeks, and I'll have to admit to following things quite closely.
     
    I should say at this point that I am extremely biased - i've given significant sums to the conservative party over the last few years, and am an ardent supporter of the right wing position. Now, before I go any further, I want to debunk the myth that UK Conservative Party = US Republican Party. There is a tendency to over simplify things in order to make comparisons, and so it is often suggested that UK conservatives are the equivalent of US republicans, and that UK Labour are the same as US Democrats.
     
    In fact, across all major parties in the UK, there is a strong strand of Social Liberalism. "Left" and "right" wing generally refers to economic philosophy, rather than social ideals. All major parties, for example, support civil partnerships (gay marriage), adoption rights for same sex couples and criminalising discrimination. While there is (from the conservatives) a policy of promoting "family" - they have a flexible definition of what "family" actually is.
     
    One key difference is that religion plays little or no part in political life - so much so that our former prime minister Tony Blair waited until he left office to convert to catholicism. Quite famously, in public life, we don't "do" religion - which in turn has created a freer society, where other people's morals do not dictate to the entire populous. I mention this because, angry as I was yesterday (see yesterdays post about the bigoted man), I am incredibly proud of this nation of ours. I am proud of the freedoms we enjoy, that are still decades away in many western countries we might consider our peers. Though we're by no means the most liberal and accepting nation in the world - we do seem to be getting there.
     
    So at this election, it seems that the economy is the major focus (naturally given the current economic climate). For me it boils down to three options:
     
    (1) A guy who has proved himself incompetent, who introduced a change to the tax system that affected the poorest in our country, who sold off our gold reserves at rock bottom prices in order for cheap popularity, and whose reforms of financial regulation precipitated the collapse of some british banks (Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Gordon Brown)
     
    (2) A guy who promises a major tax cut we cannot afford, wants to abandon the british pound and join the Euro, and has no experience of political office (Mr Nick Clegg)
     
    (3) An aristocrat, who promises not to raise National Insurance (a tax that would harm the poorest in society), and pledges to find the money this tax would have raised by cutting waste in government (but cannot tell us how he will do that) - I give you David cameron.
     
    On balance, I think i'd rather go for the competent guy with the good intentions, rather than a failed former chancellor or a committed Europhile making unaffordable promises.
     
    My (totally biased and in no way balanced) vote -goes to Mr. Cameron.
     
    West
  9. Westie

    The White Tie Dinner

    By Westie,

    Last night I attended a dinner, at which the dress code was "white tie". For those of you not familiar with such things, white tie is the more formal version of "black tie", and is not usually worn these days. Now, not to brag, but white tie is a look that i really can pull off - I looked awesome. I have quite a heavy frame (think - rugby player. Bulky, but not fat), which was complimented by the cut of the tailcoat.
     
    I had a really great time. I'm not usually the best at formal occasions, but I had good company (one of the girls from the office was my date), there was very good food, wine and dancing. It was bliss. My eye was drawn to the object of my lust - James - who looks better in a normal suit than formal wear, but still sparkled for me.
     
    The reason I wanted to write about it, was that I was sat at a table with a man who turned out to be the most appalling bigot. Somehow the conversation turned to gay society, and he kept going on about the "homosexual agenda", and how "the gays" were trying to convert everyone to their way of life.
     
    This was a successful - powerful - man who has perhaps hundreds of staff working for him. He controls a large annual budget and has considerable personal power of patronage. It really saddened me that some days, it can seem like we have come so far. Then you meet someone who convinces you that we could be decades away from genuine acceptance.
     
    Sometimes, you just want to scream...
  10. Westie

    James....

    By Westie,

    So there's this guy... (how many times am I going to start a post like this?!)
     
    And he's Married.
     
    We both happened to be at the same meeting today. I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He was wearing a black suit, with a black shirt and grey tie... which for me is the most incredibly sexy look. And underneath, you can see the perfectly toned sculpture of a man who spend a lot of time in a swimming pool...
     
    So I kept looking, and the thing is, every time I looked at his eyes... they were looking back at me. And he flashed an incredible smile... with an amused look on his face that told me he knew - he knew - what I was looking at, and why.
     
    So after the meeting, he asked if we could get together at some point, to "discuss the details" of a little project.... and i felt butterflies.
     
    Anyway... we're meeting for drinks next week - he's London based and I'm there for a conference, so it works out well. I'm incredibly nervous - what if the signals are wrong? what if I'm wrong? The office is a dangerous place for such entanglements
  11. Westie
    He was wearing Blue; and it sparkled not because of the colour, but because it was HIM. Have you ever seen a guy who just draws your eye, and holds your attention like a vice? Where it's almost painful to turn away? David. His name was David, and he was my first for many things. the first guy I felt that "spark" with. The first guy I kissed. The First guy I Made love to. And the First guy to break my heart.
     
    I only mention it because of what day it is - today is the only day I allow myself to think like this. To know why this matters, you have to know me... and none of you yet do... I don't remember birthdays, anniversaries or special occasions. But today is seared into my mind because of him. The 25th of April - literally a walk in the park experience. And for me it was the little things that lead up to it - catching each other stealing glances, knowing smiles, shyly turning away.
     
    And then behind the tree, and he kissed me with such force... but at the same time incredibly tender... a memory so seared into my soul that I can smell him, taste him even now.
     
    Today is a happy day... and a painful day because of what went after, and because of the lost words I can no longer say to him.
     
    Thank you David, for setting me free
  12. Westie

    Why am I here?

    By Westie,

    Why have I come here? why am I writing a blog? What's this british upstart thinking of coming along into the forums and stirring up the soapbox?
     
    Well, I think I need to tell you about myself first. I am so deep in the closet, I'm half way to Narnia. I live in a small town in the UK, and generally speaking homosexuality is not accepted. So finding an escape online has become a sort of "release Valve" for me. A few years ago I was a member of another internet forum, and we formed a very close community. It was a very, erm.. Sexual forum. And was entirely straight oriented. When that forum collapsed I realised how unhealthy and obsessive that forum had become - and so I became an "online celibate".
     
    Then I discovered a couple of online stories. Fraternity memoirs sticks in my head as an early favorite. I fell in love with the body of work produced by Michael Arram. I also read a story called "on the Mark", written by some guy who I think some of you are familiar with . That story lead me to a series called Chronicles of an Academic Predator, and then to the Bridgemont series that lead me here.
     
    And so I lurked here... and found an embracing community. This lead me to re-discover my need for a "release-valve" - somewhere to let it all out.
     
    It occurs to me - I don't even give a damn if nobody reads this. It's for me - not you - though if I make a few friends along the way, well that's just a bonus.
     
    ___________________________
     
    So this is the start of something new. Something big in my life. Because I'd like to start telling my story too - I'm trying to write a bit at the moment. I have two stories, one real, one fantasy, that I would like to push on with, and see what sort of reception I get. These are hard going - mainly because I keep going back and re-editing. I'll let you know how things go.
     
    In the meantime, I'll just see where this blog takes me....
  14. Westie

    10 things...

    By Westie,

    So i have things to be thankful for. Lots of things in fact. My somewhat self indulgent post yesterday enumerated my insecurities, but really, i know that the theme of that post should have been much more positive. I have my man... and that is wonderful. I am finding myself more... and coming to terms with who i am. Maybe I am "gay-er" than i thought i was - because i have never felt this way with a woman...
     
    Love has given me a perspective i think on a few things...
     
    (1) I need to work to live, not live to work...
    (2) No man is an island
    (3) My health is my Wealth
    (4) Having a relationship means having faith in someone other than yourself
    (5) Trust is more important than anything
    (6) Beauty is inside, not out
    (7) There are miracles in silence
    (8) Music is the food of love... and can be hot as hell too
    (9) Money buys things, but will not hold you close at night
    (10) it doesn't matter what people thinks of me... it only matter what ONE person thinks of me
     
    I could get used to this
  15. Westie

    A Quick Update

    By Westie,

    At the beginning of last night, I set my status to "Omnes una manet nose" which is to say, "The same night awaits us all".
    What is comforting on an Election Night, is that in a sense, whatever is going to happen has "Already happened". The ballot has been cast, the dice has been rolled, and we just need to see where the everything falls.
    I'm not going to say too much, except from a statistics point of view, we saw swings between parties on a totally inconsistent basis, with no discernible pattern. Genuinely, at 5am this morning, we were still unaware of how the land would lie.
    I make no secret of the fact that i am a Conservative Supporter. For my mind, a Labour-LibDem coalition would have no legitimacy. It seems though, that the uncertainty I had last night, is for now still present.
    I will add another entry later. I need to get some things off my chest - my trip to london (and James) in particular.... but for now, I'm slightly exhausted and need to sleep...
    West
  16. Westie
    Yesterday - as one might gather from my post - I was slightly depressed. I allowed myself to remember something wonderful, but that inevitably lead me to the pain that came after. Someone commented on my post that it looked as if I was leaving Narnia (referring to my own perception of how deep in the closet I am) - and this reminded me of the freedom that I felt back then. At that time, I still hadn't felt the full weight of my responsibilities, or of expectations. It was a time for me when everything seemed possible - even overcoming the impossible.
     
     
    So today, I tried to capture these feelings on paper - while the feelings were still raw. The story is coming along (nowhere near ready to share, but still), I think I'm getting to the point where I may need to find a good editor, so a recruiting mission into the forums may be in order. Until then, I guess i'll just keep pushing onwards...
     
    At any rate, I think i'll make an appearance at the office tomorrow, and live in the present for a while...
     
    As for tonight, a glass of wine by the fireside and a good book
     
     
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