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Mark92

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  1. Mark92
    WOW, it's been a while and a hell of an adventure. And here comes the BUT.....
    I find myself trapped again, from a desolate, miserable time on the farm, to living the high life as a lifestyle Dom, with all the trappings that go along with that.
    Large house, 35 staff to run it, 2 contracted subs, and a partridge in a pear tree you might say.
    The BUT is the responsibility of looking after said house, staff etc. 
    The day this change came about was the same day, me and Stuby split. It was me being a twat that did it. After six years of being together every day, I had a meltdown and it ended in that. I then tried once more with my ever present suicide thoughts. Failed again... I was rescued by an old friend and took to his place. This was the fore mentioned Big house.
    So, enter Master Damon Shax, a name he invented himself and changed through deed poll to suit his lifestyle.He gave me a whole wing of his house, to have as a permanent home. Four stories high including two large, dry and powered cellars, which over a year later have become my bespoke dungeons.
    I changed from rough, loose fitting farm wear and wellies into leather, black leather, and the whole Dom accessories, that made me look the part I played. It was the one dream I have always had. 
    With the sale of the farm, I also could now afford it.
    Damon is an ex marine, and a high up one at that. He moved from North Carolina to England almost 10 years ago. A lot of his staff followed him. They are all bound to him in someway.
    He's also a counsellor for people with PTSD and has rescued kids thrown out or ran away, or abused. There are four of them here. Returning to normality at their own pace, with jobs they can take pride in.
    A year living here then followed, learning how the house is run, the tricks of the trade and building myself a new lifestyle.
    I train submissive's to be safely submissive, and wanna-be Doms in how to be the perfect dominant, with an added sideline of being a sensualist. I've doggedly researched everything BDSM since I was 13. It is always progressing, and with new techniques and equipment it will continue to do so.
    Everything is running along smoothly, and an ageing Master meets a young gold digging twink. Damon fell head over heels, taking this sub on a world tour, huge yachts, private planes, spend, spend spend. This was over several months. It all ended when the twink found something more shiny, leaving Damon in a broken mess. He went back to Carolina for a while, and came back saying, he was returning to the marines in a senior role and wouldn't be coming back. Signing everything over to me, (he always said he would) but the shock and how his faithful staff took the news, was one heap of responsibility on me. 
    Now everything is running smoothly again. Yes! you might say. I say no.
    Just before Christmas I received a request from a reader, to know more and befriend me. And that he did.
    He's an awesome man, terrific dad, and firefighter. This wonderful man helped me to see, that all I had done, was go from one trap to another.
    That brings another life change, to travel and have the adventures I've never had. Short hauls first, I've never been on a plane. The end goal is backpacking. That's after I've travelled.
    My new life adventure begins............................................
  2. Mark92

    More about a transformation

    By Mark92,

    Well! only me! Its about progress and moving forward.
    I am a different man now to what I was when I joined back in April. There have been many ups and downs, there still are but they are made better in minutes by my Stuby.
    October is a bad month for me, and the end of it especially, not only my abuser dieing but also that she was buried. And along with all the flash backs and the bad stuff bubbling up.Is relief thats its over and she has gone.
    I still have issues and hang-ups but they are less hang-ups and more hiccups.
    I'm at the gate, the barrier that has stopped me leaving for nearly a year. And I will get across it. But as a man with my head held high and then its none stop to Kidderminster or Reading I dont really care, if it's another planet i'll get there.
    My Stuby makes me feel like a beautiful man, and hell yeah I am! Cos he says so.
    Cheesy or not sickly sweet or not, he is my life, my world, my everything. And without him life wouldnt be worth living.
    Yeah I still have a lot to overcome, that should be "we" cos he's with me every step of the way and I am with him.I have promised to tell him every day, how much I love adore and worship him and I will. Stuart I love you Stuby is my rock, my soother when i'm upset, my hero when I need one and the perfect lover too. I'll let your minds loose with that one :wink:
    I know most of you have seen his updated pics yeah fwwaarrr cooor drop dead gorgeous I know. Doing those pics and posting them was a huge step up for Stuby. He says I am responsible for that well Thankyou my darling because you have paid me back so many times over. By being there for me, by loving me, sharing your family with me.And most of all for making me feel special, worth something, alive and loved. Thankyou my sweetheart Stuart
    Oh the farm is doing great too LOL between 16-24 piglets on the 6th November and the same the week after. And also my farmhand Luke has joined here. Its for him to tell you why not me. so Here's Marky signing off, many thanks for your kindness and support and for being my extended family. Huge group hug
  3. Mark92

    Self-sufficiency

    By Mark92,

    A few of you seem interested in my life-style so I thought I would give you more info.
     
    The basics are food, water, power.
     
    Food I grow my own pork and chicken, veg and salad crops. Besides the outside growing, I have a large heated greenhouse. I hunt for other meat sources like rabbit, pheasant, pigeon. Yes pigeons may not have a lot of meat, but it is rather nice.
    Anything I cant grow, or make. I locally source and buy in. I have slipped a bit lately with take-aways the lads introduced too me. Note to self "cut them out!"
    my pork, chicken and veg and salad are all organic. I also have a small orchard for apples, pears, plums and cooking apples. Black currants too.
     
    Water Is provided by two large spring filled ponds. I think my grandparents must have installed this. But one is pumped through filters to the house. The other feeds several animal troughs, and an outside tap. I also have visiting ducks every year, I never eat those, they have their young and leave.
     
    Power I have a wind turbine for electricity. I dont use much, it powers the house, and lights and heats the farm buildings. I also have a freezer room. So it powers that too. I sell quite a bit of electricity back to the grid. Thats another source of finance.
     
    So thats the basics.
     
    I have an aga to cook and heat the house, this is fueled by wood I grow, so it's sustainable. I get paid by the Woodland Trust for maintaining the wood. Another source of finance. The lighter side of that is I have badgers and foxes who live there.
     
    Telephone, internet and TV
    These are all perks from living next to an airbase. I get them for free. The signal isnt strong, but it is constant. It rarely cuts off. TV is global so many channels I DONT watch. I have a mobile too this isnt strong either, and cuts out completely in some areas of my land.
    I have ten acres by the way, and a largish victorian farmhouse. with a multitude of out-buildings.
     
    I/we used to have rare breed sheep as well as pigs, but I decided to become just pigs. Gloucestershire Old Spot, to be exact, a very freindly, intelligent breed, and a very good earner.
     
    As I am a recluse, everything else is via the internet. Which is my lifeline.
     
    Other things like healthcare, are sometimes difficult. My doctor, I have had since birth, is now in his 70's but he knows everything about me and how far to push me.
     
    As for the business side of things, my lack of any formal education, is overcome by my wonderful accountant. My bank provided for me. It costs, but its worth it, He keeps me well in the black.
     
    I think thats about it. Any questions dont be afraid to ask. Marky out
  4. Mark92
    What I care about and what I don’t.
     
    First of all I want to say GA is not just about writing and reading. It’s about people too.
    The one thing I’m proud of, before I joined GA was the fact that I have the quality of acceptance.
     
    I don’t care about:
    Your colour, your looks, or your dress sense, you could wear trousers, dresses or walk round with knickers on your head. It doesn’t matter.
    What your sex is or orientation, do you have a fetish for rubber or wax or just get off on having a quiet wank in a corner? Whatever it is, it’s none of my business and makes you, just that….. You.
    Do you have a god or not or believe in whatever. Again, none of my business, and as long as you don’t try and convert me. Do as you please.
    I don’t care how much money you have, do you live in a big rambling house a tiny flat or a shed? It is none of my business.
    What about disabilities, deformities, issues and hang-ups, mental or physical health? Once more that’s your business.
    We are human and different, and what makes us different is who we are as individuals.
    I think I’ve covered everything there, and if I have left anything then that too, doesn’t matter to me.
     
    Things I do care about.
    How you are today, and what makes you tick, I’m fascinated with how people live and who they are as people. Not because I’m nosy or need to know everything. But just what makes you...You.
    I care about if you are happy or sad, can I help in some way?
    Do you need an ear to scream at or whisper something in confidence? Do you need a smile or a hug, or someone to give you a quick kick up the jacksie and tell you to quit whining and get on with it?
    I was told once that I have the quality of not only listening but hearing too, or maybe the other way round I can’t remember. The simple reason for that is I care.
    Your life, all of you, is so very different from mine. And with each new friend with their life story, enriches my own.
    I have never been in a room with more than five people in it, and two of those were little girls.
     
    I guess the point of all this is just to say, come one come all. If I am not busy with my farm or with my man. Then I’m all yours.
    I’m out of here. Hugs all
  5. Mark92

    Juggling

    By Mark92,

    Where to start is always the difficult part for me. What brought this blog update about is, my sleeping pattern has gone from bad to very good to bad again. All because I have too much going on in my head.
    What am I juggling? Well, actually my life.
    Stuby is first priority, his health, welfare and happiness is and always will be my first priority.
    Joint second is the farm, and my friends here and on FB.
    Next is my studies. I have my course material through now, and I need to get on top of it, before it officially starts in February.
    Last is me, and it's always been that way, I have always put everyone else first, even before GA and Stuby.
    That's not some "I'm the big man, or the martyr" It's who I am.
    Now, all that in my head is too much, far too much, and trying to keep it all in there is causing the sleep loss.
    So, something has to go. And looking at that list there is only one thing that can be lost, and that is my farm duties. Baz is live in and 24/7 if need be, Lukey is part time, but, always interested in more work.
    Because of that and because of how well they know this place now, I'm handing over all the farm work to them. Once this batch of piglets have gone, there will be no more. I'm keeping the sows I have, and they will only go,once I go.
    I'm so close to getting out of here, I want to clear the decks before I do.
    I'm working with my shrink now to finding a way to clear my issues and hang-ups and depression. Hopefully without the aid of meds. I really don't want to go down that path.
    So we will give that a try and see if I can clear enough space in my head so I can sleep once more.
    Onwards and upwards as always.
  6. Mark92

    Emotions

    By Mark92,

    Before I start this entry. I want to state, I didnt write it for sympathy.
    I'ts to stop me bottling it all up, and sending me on a downward spiral.
    So lets get this out.
    Most of you know my past, or some of it. I didnt get the socialising, interacting, childhood most of you got.
    I have no experience of sharing, for instance. I had nobody to share anything with. And cut off and isolated as I was and still am. I never got the opportunity to learn that stuff.
    I never stop learning. Now more than ever.
    You see, I'm in love with the most incredible, awesome, gorgeous guy, He's a dream, he really is.
    What emotion am I blathering on about? Jealousy!
    I've never experienced it before, and I'm destroying myself with it.
    He is not to blame in any way. What happened before me, has nothing to do with me. I know that.
    But it doesnt stop the hurt.
    Right now in my life, I am struggling to move forward. My health hasnt been too good lately. My work load is huge. And I am trying to learn, there is a life beyond the farm.
    A lot of people have commented about the lack of a face on my recent pic, all I can say is read my stuff and you'll understand why.
    I can't move faster than I already am. I have 19 years of life, to catch up on and I've only just started living it.
    All I ask for is patience, understanding and a little compassion. I really am going as fast as I can. But through hell and high water I'll get there.
  7. Mark92

    New update

    By Mark92,

    OK so its been a while and I think some updating needs to be done.
    I'm still stuck here, but getting closer and closer to freedom.
    Ive been told I should seek freedom from here for myself. But that isnt reason enough. I like it here, its my life, my home. I have no reason to leave. With all the shit thats happening out there, i'm safe here.
    But I have one reason to leave now. And i'll fight every second of every day to get passed it.The weekends still scare me. Because I cant face the gate alone. I chicken out and i'm scared of the damn thing.
    But its a gate, a stupid metal gate. Whats to be scared off? the answer to that is I dont know.
    Another biggy is the fake picture I had up here, the kid in a dark green shirt. Some obscure actor or model I think. Some know some dont, and I did it to cover the fact that my own face is ugly. Or I used to think it was.
    So love me or hate me its up to you.
    No more secrets no more hiding. I need to fix myself for the one guy that means the world to me. I cant and wont live without him. You all know who that is, so no need to go into detail.
    I would like to say a huge thankyou to those that believe in me, and an equally big apology to anyone who is hurt by the fake pic. The one that matters knows the truth and thats all that matters to me right now.
    The profile pic thats up now is the real me. The fat lipped, pale skinned man I used to hate. But now he's loved and I feel loved.
    I love you all regardless of what you think of me now. So i'll wait and read your responses, if any. Marky
  8. Mark92
    I joined here in April a pretty sad case. Lonely, confused, hurt time and time over.
    Have I made progress? I'd like to think so, yeah I guess so.
    I joined here to read, to find something that sort of spelled out how I feel.
    I'm big on feelings and emotions, and what the senses are.
    How have I moved on? Well I write now, something I love to do,and want to carry on doing.
    A lot of you know I didnt go to school, at all not even properly home schooled, in fact most of it is self-taught. So this was a huge learning curve for me and I know ive improved that way.
    My past is pretty bad and painful too, physically and mentally. I thought I was screwed.
    I didnt think I was worthy of friends, nevermind close ones. The fact is I hate me, ive always hated me and in a lot of ways I still do.
    I'm told countless times I'm good looking and handsome and all the rest. I thank you all for that but do I believe it? I cant say I do.
    People have said it before you see. Before GA, I was told I was loved and made plans for the future and it all fell round my feet.
    It wasnt my fault? i'm trying to convince myself of that one, they just disappeared.
    Thats why I dont trust too easy, thats why I dont believe whats told to me. The last thing they saw was a recent pic of me. The one you all see. And they vanished, which kind of confirmed what i'd been told my whole life.
    Ive got so many issues and hang-ups, I cant say when i'll be ready for the outside world.
    Take a second to listen what you hear now.Traffic? other people? everyday noise of life? of other people? I dont get that all I have is the sound of nature, the odd low flight from the base next door, and my own noise and my animals noises.
    Ive never been in an elevator, or a shopping mall, or supermarket.
    There is so much I havnt done. At 18 ive only recently learned kids games like hide and seek, thanks to Agaith for that one.
    And now to the progress I think ive made.....
    I write stories and verse, and Lughs prompts too. I cant write enough its an obsession now. I dont put everything here, some is too dark too painful.
    Ive got closer to the colossal gate that is a forcefield of fear. Ive made a friend in Luke my farmhand and his wife Sue and his girls Moira and Ruth.
    Ive recently had my first ever hug, its still awkward but i'm moving forward right? OK it was from a straight guy, but it was something. I'm gay i'm totally gay.
    ive made so many friends close ones too and OMG I even skype now, thats huge to me.
    I'm still not up to showing my face again yet, you might all disappear and that would be the end for me.
    Irrational as that is, its still a logical outcome in my head.
    GA is my second home, and you are all my family.
    You all share so much with me, and I give so little back. That in itself makes me feel bad, like i'm cheating you all.
    I have days when I still want to end it all, more often than I should.
    Please dont pity me, These are my troubles, my bads I must sort out for myself.
    I will end this now by telling each and everyone of you. I love you guys, thanks for putting up with me.
     
     
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