Dannsar

Oh, Brother. I just read chapter 15, and I never read uncompleted stories. Dunno how the hell I erred here. Look, I think this is the place to stop this story, actually. And I say that out of love. I've only been on GA for eight months, but I can tell you with certainty, this is the best story I have read here. It truly is a great tale. Heartwarming. Heartbreaking. Loving. Protecting. Resisting. Fighting. Surviving. Growing. Wanting. Needing. Loving. Loving. Missing. Seflessness. OK, so there is a tad of the saccharine mixed in there. But it is only a tad, and every story needs a bit of that. So saccharine is a pejorative term for something that needs to be there. However, you are in danger of falling into tired tropes with the will and the truck. I really wish you would stop here and allow this story the everlasting beauty it already has. Don't tarnish it by overpolishing it. It is perfect as it is. Please please please leave it alone now. It's beautiful and perfect and excellent and finished.

Ooooh, the torture of being kept wondering! This was a great wee read and quite allegorical too. I especially liked the way you put the aftermath at the beginning, then explained it in the middle, and resolved it at the end. I get the hint that this may be the start of something, but I reckon it should be its own event. The only alternative I can see would be to write this story again in 15 chapters and really play with us on the rack. Which might be fun, but we already know the ending. I like it just as it is. A good boot in the arse with a perfectly proportioned ped! Nice one. Thanks.

Hey Mark, as a piece of advertorial this worked! I'll certainly be reading The Legacy when it's done. The issues covered here are pretty big, and pretty shocking at that, and I was interested that you concentrated on girls as the contraband, here, rather than slaves, or 'blacks'. That seemed to be a very pointed jab in the eye for us to remember that even though black slavery has largely gone away, people trafficking hasn't. I also liked your character building. I had a real feel in my head for the people. However, I was bothered by the dreadfully staccato delivery here. It just didn't seem to have any supporting role and really interfered with the rest of the story. On the other hand, as a set of ideas and vehicles for polemic, it really worked well for me. Keep at it, sir. You're coming up with some good stuff! D

Well, I read 'Bugeye' and my mind said 'beautiful'. I wasn't disappointed.

Hey Andy, great concept as usual . There is definitely the basis here, and I do hope you get around to writing it. Trouble is, as I only read 'completes' ( and, need I remind you, I'm still waiting for the verdict and sentence ), I suspect Baby Q May be celebrating a major birthday before I get to read it It was interesting reading this, though. It was a scene setter, as well as a short, as well as a tease. This meant you tried to do an awful lot of things in one short space ... introduce characters, structural features, language, and culture, all in one small space. It got a bit crowded, unfortunately. But, given the longer term intentions, that can be forgiven I liked Harlin. Hard nosed, determined, open. OK, so a bit naïve, but what the hell!! Stefren ... fop! I hate him already, lol. Imagine that! But, pethaps by my fifty fith birthday, you'll have convinced me otherwise. I surely hope so. I also liked the rain. I could almost hear it. It really added a sense of fight and resistance. BTW, there is a very easy way to explain Veshe ... I'll pm you, when I have a minute. D PS I liked your method of your foible, this time. You usually don't let us get to see beyond the closed doors. This time you let us in. And it was all steamy, too And then you turned the lights out. Crafty git!

Well, well. I'm a bit discombobulated here. I mean, I know exactly what happened, how it happened, why it hapened, and what will happen next. And yet I feel as remote from any sense of understanding as it is possible to be. I spent a lot of time trying to work out if it was some sort of allegory, or a dark modern fairy tale, or a dream, or a ghost story. The are just so many absurdities in this story. But none of that is bad, to be honest. I just loved it. I loved Travis for his naivety and neediness, and Tyler for his worldliness and jaundice. There's no doubt Tyler is a compelling character. I loved the way you kept it very edgy all the time, too. That was partly the knowledge gaps from Tyler, as well as the contradictions in his actions. Definitely worth a read. One thing I'd like to ask, though ... and you can pm this answer to me if you prefer. How the hell does a 23 year old get this level of knowledge and sophistication for writing such as this? Or is that a gay 23? lol i.e. think of an age and subtract a few percent? hehe Anyway. Great job. Well worth the time out of anybody's life. And far more rewarding than a lot of other writing one might come across. Thank you.

Recipe 1 cliché of gay guy's closeted brother 1 cliché of best friends since kindergarten 3 clichés of unresolved sexuality 1 cliché of fag hag 1 cliché of college roommates 1 cliché of rich boy ? clichés of twist and turns, to taste 1 cliché of much non communication 1 cliché of much non communication (optional) 1 cliché of much non communication (optional) 1 cliché of much non communication (optional) 1 cliché of dead parent 1 cliché of peppered with spicy sexual tension 1 cliché of salty tears, use as much as you desire Method Mix it all up, fire it in the imaginative oven, stand back, wait. When properly risen and golden brown Whaddayamean it's flat and burnt? OFGS. Right, look, get all the ingredients, put them in a bag, and go round to Jian Sierra's house. He'll guide you through it cos he knows how to transform all this sludge into an interesting, tasty, and mouthwatering wee story. : So, Jian, I believe this was your first story! Well, congratulations. It was very enjoyable. I liked Dan, though I could have happily slapped him for pissing about at 18 years of age! I liked Lee, cos he sounds über seeeeeckseeee. I liked Liam, cos he's just bloody scrumptious. OK, so there was a lot of cliché. But my point in this review is that every story has at least one. And most stories have several. Whether a story has clichés or not, is not really the point. It's like complaining that all bread has flour. It's all about what you do with them. I'll admit that this story was a bit like losing virginity. You do the obvious thing like kissing, getting naked, and inserting body parts where they feel the most pleasure, and then you start to bang it out at an incredible speed. And boy, did this go along at a rate of knots. I was speed reading to keep up at points! But it is still an incredible experience, and you'll always remember it. Partly because it was your first ejaculation not gripping your self. Partly because it all happened waaaaay too soon. And partly because it happened at all. The interesting bits are the surprises. I mean, Lee walking in on his roommate in entry position over his brother. I laughed a lot at that! That ending to chapter 1. Smarty pants! Joey coming back, which never ocurred to me at all. Sam keeping in touch with him, which I will stake my life on nobody having expected. The Ced confusion ... not exactly new, but damned clever in its execution. OK, so this wasn't literary fiction. And thank god for that. It was a touching and thoughtful wee story. Yes, it had an unfair share of clichés, but every virgin (author) is going to have those. Getting it out of the system is all part of the process. Somebody said this was their second reading of it. Well, that's a good recommendation if ever I saw one. I think you should be very happy with this story. I liked it. I am a pretty damned good cook, myself. I have only four recipe books, but I only use them for method, and generally only once or twice. Then I ignore them. So, even though I do all the cooking, there is never the same thing twice in our house. I hope you are now going to do the same. I'm looking forward to it. What should I bring?

Ah, ye olde hidden metaphor! Nice wee read.

Well, that was .... excellent. Somebody said it should be published. I agree, though it needs a knife taking to it and a damn good proof read. Seriously - it is publishable standard as a story and as a piece of writing. I don't think your hobby status should inhibit you. Part of the whole point of epublishing is to democratise, make it easy, keep the control to the author. However ... actually, perhaps that should be 'howevers'! ... there are lots of things would need addressing before that. But this piece of work would be totally worth the effort. The overall concept is really very good, and I think you do something most scheduled online writers don't. You plot the story to the end before you write it. There is a consistency here that would have been simply impossible without a good plan. For instance, the whole Jacob / Saphiron thing, or the Mme Rooste thing. There is one thing that occurs to me, though, about this writing method, which arises out of a couple of the reviews: the readers are not reading at a normal speed. I never read unfinished work (i.e. ... big hint ... get a f move on with Charlie), so I was able to keep most of this in my head while I read it. But a story of this length published a chapter a week means that it is almost a year from beginning to end. For readers, that makes it pretty difficult to maintain detail knowledge in a paradigm (fantasy/thriller/complex) which relies upon detail. I think, for the most part, you handle that reasonably well, but there are still some issues. I know that you flagged up Mme Rooste as evil in Ch16, but as this was not resolved till, perhaps, Ch38, that means 22 weeks apart. That's a long time to hold that detail in focus WITH due significance. There must be some academic writing on the issues of this form, because it is nothing new. Walter Scott, for instance, started out ths way. And something runs in my head that Hemingway did a bit of serial writing (?). At any rate, I'd suggest it implies that keeping characters 'alive' to the reader in some way is probably necessary. That would mean doing some serioys development on Mme Rooste (showing a little more of her nastiness, but also misdirecting through some apparent humility and niceness). Adam, Jacob. Sweet. Beautiful. Boom bang-a-blowjob! God, that made me laugh. As if a first bj isn't an event likely to blow your head off ( ) already, you had to take the walls down too. What was really clever, though, was the reaction of the gryphon riders when they arrived. They just seemed to roll their eyes, like, horny teenagers out of control. Again. Seen it all before. Can you just imagine your mother hearing howls of orgasm through you bedroom door just rolling her eyes? Hilarious Your clever (bloody irritating? ) use of the undisclosable disclosed in the prophecies which should not be revealed was well clever. And you tied that big structural device back into the actual plot between Victor and Aenhol. It teases the reader in such a beautiful torture. Like ... we characters know things we can't tell each other, but we can tell you readers we know them, just not what we know ... hmmm. I hope if you do ever publish this you get yourself a bodyguard. You're so gonna need some protection for that one! For the sequels, can I make a suggestion, please. There is one major plot device which needs some explaining ... spirit freedom. At the moment it looks like a plot hole. The spirits ... which are just that, spirits ... crave freedom. Yet they can only have it in the manner of embodiment within another (self determining) body. Which kinda suggests a lack of freedom, if you see what I mean. ... Or are they all heading for Lord Raezhul status, where they actually subvert the host? I mean, it was all grand with Ho-o an all, who (seems to be) is a benevolent spirit. But then The Weapon (inadvertent penile allusion, there ... I congratulate you ). How is the spirit within the sword free? It has no apparent agency. Even Ho-o seems only to have the satisfaction of facilitating action through the body of others. The same is true of Raezhul. For me, that was the most troubling part of the plot, but also one of the most interesting parts. I really do think that could make an interesting plot driver in the future. Aenhol For High Mage Lord. Whaddyamean there's no vacancy? You're in charge of the plot. Make one! Great work, great story, great read, grates on my tits I'm prolly gonna have to wait 18 months for my next installment! D

Part of a sries = you teasing git! Seriously! Unsentimental, passionate, compassionate, tricky, human, frightening (Nelson), realistic. There are a lot of good writers on here, but few who are very good. You are definitely one of the few. Your writing style is extremely lucid, and wonderfully conversational. If it was darker, it would be noirish, but you avoid that melodrama as well as you avoid the saccharine. It's like lemon tea with sugar. I loved Darrell. I loved Trent too. I loved the way you handled that descent into the abyss of despair. Even the suicide (or was it?) attempt was completely flawed in its rationale. Extremely realistic. The beating scene was a proper losing of focus, going from anger to rage to fury to loss of control to ... well, to insanity (though I'm not sure I quite believed that bit). The final fizzing over of a younger life of disappointment compounded by frustrated projection and the final great failure of a marriage, was well thought through and not over forced. Where IS the next one?

Yeah ... it's nice when they tickle the perineum Actually, it's a great cause, but a bleeping awful thing. Some of them just look hideous. I look back to when I had one in my twenties. Even in the cause of prostate cancer awareness, the world does not need to be reinflicted with that again!

Bollocks. He likes you any way you are. He's that sorta guy!

I have to say, I'm struggling to fit this story into the jigsaw of your writing. Part two is ongoing, but the dates have all gone to blazes (I imagine because if the site reconfig tnis time last year). See, I could cope if this was a first piece of writing, but as The House Always Wins (implausible, but brilliant ) and Colorado Game (excellent) are both finished, I have to think ths is the current piece. And it is just so slight. It has no weight. The character development has all the body of gas. The only character I could believe was Kit. The plot development is simply unreal. And the narrative tensions between the two main characters is so difficult to reconcile, it's almost possible to think of them as character strands fom different books pasted back together wrongly after someone shredded the library by accident. It has put me off reading part two. I'm really sorry to be so negative. I like to be able to say something positive (hence references to CG & THAW), but this just is not yo your usually high standard.

Hell no. I was out there last night and still giving it yeeha in front of an audience ;*) Lol. I'm grey. I love grey hair ... at least when it is salt and pepper heading towards silver. Now, if only younger guys could manage that ... mmmmm How about becausewereworthitauthors.org

Oh for crying out loud. The chess game was a stalemate, people. They both won. Honestly :rollseyes: Great story. Loved Olivia. Loved the development of JJ. Loved JJ basically lol. Yeah, the plot was predictable, but then, which one isn't to an extent. What was a catch to the imagination, though, was Olivia ordering the plane into the air. Now that I had not expected hehe! Tough old bird that one! As for the ending ... wtf is the problem? It's a brilliant way to end it. Michael gets what he really craves, but he also gets a man who is able to parry his dominance. The final courtship scene could be plotted out by any one of us ... so why bother If I were to recommend anything .. it would be to take those chapter end notes out. I couldn't give a hoot if you've changed it a bit. That's editing. So what! Again ... great story, loved it. ... next...