Dannsar

Oh, Brother. I just read chapter 15, and I never read uncompleted stories. Dunno how the hell I erred here. Look, I think this is the place to stop this story, actually. And I say that out of love. I've only been on GA for eight months, but I can tell you with certainty, this is the best story I have read here. It truly is a great tale. Heartwarming. Heartbreaking. Loving. Protecting. Resisting. Fighting. Surviving. Growing. Wanting. Needing. Loving. Loving. Missing. Seflessness. OK, so there is a tad of the saccharine mixed in there. But it is only a tad, and every story needs a bit of that. So saccharine is a pejorative term for something that needs to be there. However, you are in danger of falling into tired tropes with the will and the truck. I really wish you would stop here and allow this story the everlasting beauty it already has. Don't tarnish it by overpolishing it. It is perfect as it is. Please please please leave it alone now. It's beautiful and perfect and excellent and finished.

Ooooh, the torture of being kept wondering! This was a great wee read and quite allegorical too. I especially liked the way you put the aftermath at the beginning, then explained it in the middle, and resolved it at the end. I get the hint that this may be the start of something, but I reckon it should be its own event. The only alternative I can see would be to write this story again in 15 chapters and really play with us on the rack. Which might be fun, but we already know the ending. I like it just as it is. A good boot in the arse with a perfectly proportioned ped! Nice one. Thanks.

Hey Mark, as a piece of advertorial this worked! I'll certainly be reading The Legacy when it's done. The issues covered here are pretty big, and pretty shocking at that, and I was interested that you concentrated on girls as the contraband, here, rather than slaves, or 'blacks'. That seemed to be a very pointed jab in the eye for us to remember that even though black slavery has largely gone away, people trafficking hasn't. I also liked your character building. I had a real feel in my head for the people. However, I was bothered by the dreadfully staccato delivery here. It just didn't seem to have any supporting role and really interfered with the rest of the story. On the other hand, as a set of ideas and vehicles for polemic, it really worked well for me. Keep at it, sir. You're coming up with some good stuff! D

Well, I read 'Bugeye' and my mind said 'beautiful'. I wasn't disappointed.

Hey Andy, great concept as usual . There is definitely the basis here, and I do hope you get around to writing it. Trouble is, as I only read 'completes' ( and, need I remind you, I'm still waiting for the verdict and sentence ), I suspect Baby Q May be celebrating a major birthday before I get to read it It was interesting reading this, though. It was a scene setter, as well as a short, as well as a tease. This meant you tried to do an awful lot of things in one short space ... introduce characters, structural features, language, and culture, all in one small space. It got a bit crowded, unfortunately. But, given the longer term intentions, that can be forgiven I liked Harlin. Hard nosed, determined, open. OK, so a bit naïve, but what the hell!! Stefren ... fop! I hate him already, lol. Imagine that! But, pethaps by my fifty fith birthday, you'll have convinced me otherwise. I surely hope so. I also liked the rain. I could almost hear it. It really added a sense of fight and resistance. BTW, there is a very easy way to explain Veshe ... I'll pm you, when I have a minute. D PS I liked your method of your foible, this time. You usually don't let us get to see beyond the closed doors. This time you let us in. And it was all steamy, too And then you turned the lights out. Crafty git!

Well, well. I'm a bit discombobulated here. I mean, I know exactly what happened, how it happened, why it hapened, and what will happen next. And yet I feel as remote from any sense of understanding as it is possible to be. I spent a lot of time trying to work out if it was some sort of allegory, or a dark modern fairy tale, or a dream, or a ghost story. The are just so many absurdities in this story. But none of that is bad, to be honest. I just loved it. I loved Travis for his naivety and neediness, and Tyler for his worldliness and jaundice. There's no doubt Tyler is a compelling character. I loved the way you kept it very edgy all the time, too. That was partly the knowledge gaps from Tyler, as well as the contradictions in his actions. Definitely worth a read. One thing I'd like to ask, though ... and you can pm this answer to me if you prefer. How the hell does a 23 year old get this level of knowledge and sophistication for writing such as this? Or is that a gay 23? lol i.e. think of an age and subtract a few percent? hehe Anyway. Great job. Well worth the time out of anybody's life. And far more rewarding than a lot of other writing one might come across. Thank you.

Recipe 1 cliché of gay guy's closeted brother 1 cliché of best friends since kindergarten 3 clichés of unresolved sexuality 1 cliché of fag hag 1 cliché of college roommates 1 cliché of rich boy ? clichés of twist and turns, to taste 1 cliché of much non communication 1 cliché of much non communication (optional) 1 cliché of much non communication (optional) 1 cliché of much non communication (optional) 1 cliché of dead parent 1 cliché of peppered with spicy sexual tension 1 cliché of salty tears, use as much as you desire Method Mix it all up, fire it in the imaginative oven, stand back, wait. When properly risen and golden brown Whaddayamean it's flat and burnt? OFGS. Right, look, get all the ingredients, put them in a bag, and go round to Jian Sierra's house. He'll guide you through it cos he knows how to transform all this sludge into an interesting, tasty, and mouthwatering wee story. : So, Jian, I believe this was your first story! Well, congratulations. It was very enjoyable. I liked Dan, though I could have happily slapped him for pissing about at 18 years of age! I liked Lee, cos he sounds über seeeeeckseeee. I liked Liam, cos he's just bloody scrumptious. OK, so there was a lot of cliché. But my point in this review is that every story has at least one. And most stories have several. Whether a story has clichés or not, is not really the point. It's like complaining that all bread has flour. It's all about what you do with them. I'll admit that this story was a bit like losing virginity. You do the obvious thing like kissing, getting naked, and inserting body parts where they feel the most pleasure, and then you start to bang it out at an incredible speed. And boy, did this go along at a rate of knots. I was speed reading to keep up at points! But it is still an incredible experience, and you'll always remember it. Partly because it was your first ejaculation not gripping your self. Partly because it all happened waaaaay too soon. And partly because it happened at all. The interesting bits are the surprises. I mean, Lee walking in on his roommate in entry position over his brother. I laughed a lot at that! That ending to chapter 1. Smarty pants! Joey coming back, which never ocurred to me at all. Sam keeping in touch with him, which I will stake my life on nobody having expected. The Ced confusion ... not exactly new, but damned clever in its execution. OK, so this wasn't literary fiction. And thank god for that. It was a touching and thoughtful wee story. Yes, it had an unfair share of clichés, but every virgin (author) is going to have those. Getting it out of the system is all part of the process. Somebody said this was their second reading of it. Well, that's a good recommendation if ever I saw one. I think you should be very happy with this story. I liked it. I am a pretty damned good cook, myself. I have only four recipe books, but I only use them for method, and generally only once or twice. Then I ignore them. So, even though I do all the cooking, there is never the same thing twice in our house. I hope you are now going to do the same. I'm looking forward to it. What should I bring?

Ah, ye olde hidden metaphor! Nice wee read.

Well, that was .... excellent. Somebody said it should be published. I agree, though it needs a knife taking to it and a damn good proof read. Seriously - it is publishable standard as a story and as a piece of writing. I don't think your hobby status should inhibit you. Part of the whole point of epublishing is to democratise, make it easy, keep the control to the author. However ... actually, perhaps that should be 'howevers'! ... there are lots of things would need addressing before that. But this piece of work would be totally worth the effort. The overall concept is really very good, and I think you do something most scheduled online writers don't. You plot the story to the end before you write it. There is a consistency here that would have been simply impossible without a good plan. For instance, the whole Jacob / Saphiron thing, or the Mme Rooste thing. There is one thing that occurs to me, though, about this writing method, which arises out of a couple of the reviews: the readers are not reading at a normal speed. I never read unfinished work (i.e. ... big hint ... get a f move on with Charlie), so I was able to keep most of this in my head while I read it. But a story of this length published a chapter a week means that it is almost a year from beginning to end. For readers, that makes it pretty difficult to maintain detail knowledge in a paradigm (fantasy/thriller/complex) which relies upon detail. I think, for the most part, you handle that reasonably well, but there are still some issues. I know that you flagged up Mme Rooste as evil in Ch16, but as this was not resolved till, perhaps, Ch38, that means 22 weeks apart. That's a long time to hold that detail in focus WITH due significance. There must be some academic writing on the issues of this form, because it is nothing new. Walter Scott, for instance, started out ths way. And something runs in my head that Hemingway did a bit of serial writing (?). At any rate, I'd suggest it implies that keeping characters 'alive' to the reader in some way is probably necessary. That would mean doing some serioys development on Mme Rooste (showing a little more of her nastiness, but also misdirecting through some apparent humility and niceness). Adam, Jacob. Sweet. Beautiful. Boom bang-a-blowjob! God, that made me laugh. As if a first bj isn't an event likely to blow your head off ( ) already, you had to take the walls down too. What was really clever, though, was the reaction of the gryphon riders when they arrived. They just seemed to roll their eyes, like, horny teenagers out of control. Again. Seen it all before. Can you just imagine your mother hearing howls of orgasm through you bedroom door just rolling her eyes? Hilarious Your clever (bloody irritating? ) use of the undisclosable disclosed in the prophecies which should not be revealed was well clever. And you tied that big structural device back into the actual plot between Victor and Aenhol. It teases the reader in such a beautiful torture. Like ... we characters know things we can't tell each other, but we can tell you readers we know them, just not what we know ... hmmm. I hope if you do ever publish this you get yourself a bodyguard. You're so gonna need some protection for that one! For the sequels, can I make a suggestion, please. There is one major plot device which needs some explaining ... spirit freedom. At the moment it looks like a plot hole. The spirits ... which are just that, spirits ... crave freedom. Yet they can only have it in the manner of embodiment within another (self determining) body. Which kinda suggests a lack of freedom, if you see what I mean. ... Or are they all heading for Lord Raezhul status, where they actually subvert the host? I mean, it was all grand with Ho-o an all, who (seems to be) is a benevolent spirit. But then The Weapon (inadvertent penile allusion, there ... I congratulate you ). How is the spirit within the sword free? It has no apparent agency. Even Ho-o seems only to have the satisfaction of facilitating action through the body of others. The same is true of Raezhul. For me, that was the most troubling part of the plot, but also one of the most interesting parts. I really do think that could make an interesting plot driver in the future. Aenhol For High Mage Lord. Whaddyamean there's no vacancy? You're in charge of the plot. Make one! Great work, great story, great read, grates on my tits I'm prolly gonna have to wait 18 months for my next installment! D

Yeah ... it's nice when they tickle the perineum Actually, it's a great cause, but a bleeping awful thing. Some of them just look hideous. I look back to when I had one in my twenties. Even in the cause of prostate cancer awareness, the world does not need to be reinflicted with that again!

Bollocks. He likes you any way you are. He's that sorta guy!

Not in my writing, but when I read The Shining years ago, I was listening to Kim Carnes' Betty Davis Eyes a lot. Every disco I've been in, from Paris to Berlin .. la la la, whenever I hear Kim Carnes I think of the shining, and the film image of the wee guy going down the corridor on his buggy

I have to say, I'm struggling to fit this story into the jigsaw of your writing. Part two is ongoing, but the dates have all gone to blazes (I imagine because if the site reconfig tnis time last year). See, I could cope if this was a first piece of writing, but as The House Always Wins (implausible, but brilliant ) and Colorado Game (excellent) are both finished, I have to think ths is the current piece. And it is just so slight. It has no weight. The character development has all the body of gas. The only character I could believe was Kit. The plot development is simply unreal. And the narrative tensions between the two main characters is so difficult to reconcile, it's almost possible to think of them as character strands fom different books pasted back together wrongly after someone shredded the library by accident. It has put me off reading part two. I'm really sorry to be so negative. I like to be able to say something positive (hence references to CG & THAW), but this just is not yo your usually high standard.

Hell no. I was out there last night and still giving it yeeha in front of an audience ;*) Lol. I'm grey. I love grey hair ... at least when it is salt and pepper heading towards silver. Now, if only younger guys could manage that ... mmmmm How about becausewereworthitauthors.org

Oh for crying out loud. The chess game was a stalemate, people. They both won. Honestly :rollseyes: Great story. Loved Olivia. Loved the development of JJ. Loved JJ basically lol. Yeah, the plot was predictable, but then, which one isn't to an extent. What was a catch to the imagination, though, was Olivia ordering the plane into the air. Now that I had not expected hehe! Tough old bird that one! As for the ending ... wtf is the problem? It's a brilliant way to end it. Michael gets what he really craves, but he also gets a man who is able to parry his dominance. The final courtship scene could be plotted out by any one of us ... so why bother If I were to recommend anything .. it would be to take those chapter end notes out. I couldn't give a hoot if you've changed it a bit. That's editing. So what! Again ... great story, loved it. ... next...

Look, if the man needs an itch, I'll buy him the powder. And I'll buy him the pens. And I'll even go wherever necessary and apply same. Just pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez sumbdy tell him we need him back.

Right, fatal flaw, psychological shift. The 'you' mentioned in the original proposition is not the you that needs to be asked the question. That belongs to 'Steve'. And quite simply, if Steve is willing to talk about it to all and sundry, but not to the police, authorities, employer, and is not asking you for your opinion on the best way to do this, then Steve has dropped the ethical ball, leaving you with an entirely differently grounded problem. The issue now comes to you as one of gossip about something that MUST be reported if there is reasonable justification for suspicion. Steve does not seem to be doing that, so instantly his motives are suspect. I'm afraid the proposition here is wrong. Secondly, if it is about the JoePa case, then there is no ethical issue whatsoever. He was seen doing it by the janitor. The janitor should have reported it. Period. No arguments, ifs, but, maybes, drawings of breath, blinking of eyes, consideration of .... etc etc etc. That the janitor did not stop it, imo, is criminal negligence, and I suspect is conspiracy to the act (someone like Tim will verify that, I am not in a position to discuss US law). The other boy, likewise, but he is a minor and so gets handled differently. However, there is a huge difficulty here. Men are afraid nowadays. I certainly am. One false word and your life is teetering on the edge of over. I insist that the moral dilemma lies with Steve. If Steve was suspicious because something seemed a little off, he should maintain a watching brief for a short period of time to see what happens and come to a conclusion. Steve, in the scenario, is disreputable, so taking his word for anything is pointless. But he may not be crying wolf (again, why is he not crying to the right people?). Now, since he is discussing it with you, then the information is now in the public domain - it is available to all. You have a duty, in my opinion, to take John into your employer's office and lay the whole story out, stating that you don't know anything more than the statement, but that you think it is only fair to John and the putative victim to settle it properly. What happens next is where the nuclear part occurs. There now has to be an investigation. There is no ethical issue for 'you' because the issue is out there already. Actually, by meeting it head on you are going to protect all involved in the issue until one needs to be disciplined. It matters not one jot that John is innocent or guilty. If he is innocent but Steve is spreading rumours, he's buggered before you start. Avoiding the nuclear part is the most important thing until it is clear who should be on the receiving end. In my opinion, both Steve and John should be suspended on full pay while a prima facie investigation is conducted pdq. Employer policy may mandate an automatic police involvement, though. The point of suspending Steve is to protect John if he is innocent. The last thing you want is some vicious arsehole being left at large to spread the bad word. In that scenario, John's life is over, and Steve gets away with it. Also, Steve needs protection from interference as a witness, and he needs to be kept from other potential witnesses. Krista, I hear your points. But you are a woman. I suspect you have no idea of the fear that most men have of allegations of a sex crime, especially against kids. The fact that you are being fed bullets to fire by someone else should make you suspicious in the scenario. But not for too long. If there is even the hint of justification it needs to be followed through. Consider this like a police firearms training exercise. You are put through a building clearing course. There are five goodies and five baddies. Shoot five baddies and you'll probably be ok. Shoot one goody, and it's back to school. Do the same next time, you might not be allowed to hold the gun any more. Shooting John is much the same if he is a goody. And while you're shooting the goody, the baddy may be getting time to shoot you. But before you pull the trigger, you need to make a judgement.

I think you'll find this is exactly what I was saying earlier, but OMG what a brilliant way of putting it. I'll remember this one. Points to you.

There are at least two clubs in Manchester where there are shared facilities. I have to say I prefer them. I've never understood the separation. I've never understood single sex hospital wards either, and we have a lot of greeting about that here. On the other hand, any man who thinks a place where women are, en masse and likely to get mischievous, is a safe place, is a damned fool. Hell, when they get going, they're daaaaaaaangerous

Chase, I'm sorry, silly of me I know. By the way, I think you made a temporal syntax error on your profile.

Blimey O'Riley! I didn't comment on this earlier, because, like Iarwain, I didn't think this was a conentious issue herein. How wrong can a boy be?! Firstly, let's clear something up. These kids are not transgendered. They are 'as yet untransexuals'. Gender is sexual identity, not sex or sexuality. Sex is what you are born with, not gender or sexuality. Sexuality is orientation towards for sexual relations, not gender or sex. The gender of these two is clear. And it is different from their sex. The separation of toilets comes down to notions of privacy frm the suspected other ... generally females seeking protection from males. However, if we accept that the 'boy' here is actually gendered as a girl, then 'his' status is therefore not an issue to have in the female toilets. Because, in likelihood of doing harm to other users, there is no more likelihood than any other woman doing so. The other females are under no 'threat'. So, essentially, this is a stupid ruling. Furthermore, at least in the UK, it is necessary to spend one (or perhaps two, actually) years living as the other sex before getting the operation. I don't know the situation in the US, but I'd be surprised if it were much different. Therefore, if it is expected that the sexual male operates as a sexual female for a period of time, then it is surely the point to allow them to use the destination toilet (or gender appropriate toilet). Doing otherwise is infringing their right to operate in the world as they actually are (people of the opposite actual sex as opposed to people of their own physical sex). And it is contradictory to the transition conditions of living as the opposite sex. I can see Tim's point. The suspension was for breaking an instructed rule. However, I can't agree that it is a clever rule. Seriously, it going to do no harm if they use the other sex's toilets. Girls are not likely to suffer because they will just have a likeminded 'boy' in there, as I pointed out earlier. And the chances of getting an adolescent male to dress AND act as a female just get into the female toilets are so astonishingly minute as to be laughable. Their peers would take the piss out if them - one good reason for an adolescent male to avoid this action, or; their peers would kick the shit out of them for being different. And, yes, puns intended So, it is so unlikely that it makes the rule look ridiculous. Someone argued that the school was being very good, making an accommodation. Well, for a start, this isn't a disability. Well, it is ... of the 'normal' students to see the issue sensibly, and of the school to educate them in that. Accommodations are for disability, at least in the UK. And by making this ever so generous provision, the school is effectively saying that the child is wrong both ways. Or to put it another way, they can't do right for doing wrong. And that is a pretty cruel situation to put an already frightened adolescent in. It's just plain silly at best, and just plain discriminatory at worst. And why hasn't a mod moved this yet? It would not be unusual for them to do that. It clearly is a contentious isse, and it clearly is politically driven as it is based on the daft fears and prejudices of the 'normals'.

Well, that was a lotta fun! Great piece! I really enjoyed it. That moment on the door handle ... sure as shit, that promised fireworks later My tensest moment was the telephone sex. I really thought Kyle's trajectory was going to begin. I really lost heart. And I think that's one reason I didn't like the sex. Boring as buggery! ... ooops ... mebbe not lol But the clock just pissed me off mightily. On the other hand, I've seen some misdirects in my time, but that was a double misdirect. Awesomely clever. Sofia! I liked Sofia. I shrank into a corner and held the ipad further from my eyes when she entered a scene, but, yeah, I still liked her. These older rich women can so often be detached from reality. Not Sofia! Some criticism ... oh, come on, get real! Spelling ... basis, not bases, breathe not breath. And there was one other, more common, but I canna mind it now But those are pedantry. What was buluddy annoying, though, was the short chapters. It was very interruptive and continually broke the spell. I really would recommend taking this down and collapsing the last thirty chapters into fifteen. No edits etc, just consolidation. The writing etc is just dandy. Anyway, on the whole, this was first class, and really enjoyable. Only one other suggestion ... since you felt it necessary to change pov for the last three chapters (and god alone knows why!), could you not do another chapter from Sofia's pov ... the bit where she stares down that conniving little scumbag (I'm not going to mention his name cos it's an insult to its Gàidhlig roots!) to the level of his serpentine belly. Oh that would be nice. Mmmm, yes. So nice. Very nice. Very very ni...

Hmmm, chubby and 5'10" may or may not be bad, but it's all outweighed by those beautiful black eyes, cold wet big black button nose, floppy woppy ears, and that soft, soft, covering of blondey wondey fur you have. BTW, what does W_L stand for? Wuvwy Labrador?

And you, dear, seemed to miss the fact that the Lounge also has a notice on the door ... do not discuss politics here. Good night.

Ohhhhhkaaaayyyy, so a Bill isn't politics, and there isn't already a specific thread about it underway in the soapbox already, as well as one on freedom of speech. BTW, some of us are trying to make the soapbox more friendly and contemplative. Any help would be very much appreciated