Thorn Wilde

Never meant to imply that he's not.

That's awesome, tim! You deserve nice things. ❤️

I don't either. It's just something people say a lot. That suicide means you're weak or a coward. It doesn't. And yeah, at ten. I was bullied pretty badly... Anyway, this isn't about me. This was an extraordinary tale.

It's not your electronic auto-tune we're talking about. They've 'fixed' his voice to make it 'perfect'. Plug-ins like Melodyne are used to correct pitch, even out vibrato, things like that, and it's used in practically all pop-music now. It's sad. They fix things that don't need fixing. You probably wouldn't be able to hear it very well, but I'm a sound tech and a singer. I can always tell.

Thank you for reading it, and for your kind words.

Thank you. I was actually 20 when I wrote this thing... I just couldn't find where I'd written it down, so I had to remember it. Helps that I put a tune to it at some points. Easier to remember words when they're tied to music.

Wish his voice wasn't so over-produced here. Pisses me off about modern pop music that you can't just let people have the voices they have. His natural voice is beautiful, so why melodyne the crap out of it like this? It's sad.

It's cooooold! But it's very pretty outside. Snow came last night.

Wow. I have no words, except that this was extremely powerful and beautiful. Having struggled for years myself, a lot of this rings very true, even if my only real suicide attempt was twenty years ago, when I was ten years old. When I was in art therapy group, one of the guys there tried to kill himself. I loved the way we talked about it when he came back from it. No judgment, no 'it's a coward's way out'. Just, 'we're glad you're alive', and then 'suicide is a personal choice for a person to make.' Done. Apparently, I had some words after all. Thank you for writing this, tim. As ever your wonderfully minimalist style nevertheless captures so much emotion and truth.

Did some retail therapy. Four new t-shirts (I really needed some; can't stand to wear my girly tight ones right now so found something loose and comfortable), new scarf, new beanie (wool blend, woot!) and Star Wars undies, omg, is that a thing for adults? Apparently! Feel much calmer and more comfortable now than I did before.

Wow, that seems pretty absurd.

Forever ago, this was my favourite band. I stopped listening when they pushed out Tarja, but this song (and the album it’s on) remains a beloved favourite.

Thank you.

Morning everyone. About to head out, need to go by the library at school and pick up a book for my exam. Quick errand, so I didn't bother with my binder when I got dressed, but having worn it all week when going out, it feels weird to leave the house without it...

Going to bed now, you guys. I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. See you all tomorrow! Figuratively speaking.

your long back retreating your hands have left imprints where my soul used to be and lips and tongue and teeth have left their mark upon me water cannot cool me words cannot console me you voice still echoes and there is no reply and so you leave me your long back retreating and your eyes, frozen silver storms burning like blue flame piercing me, they see right through me

Thank you, Parker. That means a lot.

Thanks you guys. ❤️

I'm sat here shivering. It's cold out, but I feel like it's not just that. I just feel really anxious. I went to my mum's today, to celebrate Finland's Independence Day. We had food and champagne and watched the broadcast from the gala at the presidential palace in Helsinki. It was nice. I had planned to talk to her about my gender. About the non-binary thing. About trans-masculinity. About how I feel about myself and my body and my brain right now. And I couldn't. It just didn't ... work, somehow. I want her to see me, but I don't know how to make that happen. When I've tried to raise the subject in the past, she's just kind of ignored it. Now it's much more serious than it has been before, and I can't handle that kind of reaction again. And I just got off the phone with my boyfriend. He's great. I love him a lot. He's moving here, to Norway, from England, to be with me. In like a month. 15th of January he'll be here. He'll look for a job, get a worker's permit, we'll live together ... It'll be wonderful. But he's straight. He sees me as a girl, I'm his girlfriend, and he doesn't really know how to see me any differently. We've talked a bit about it all. Months ago I asked him if he would still love me if I were a guy. If he would still want me if I had a different body. If, if, if ... And there's no real answer to those questions because you can't know until it happens. We talked about it just now, and he said he'll love me and support me no matter what, and that it's great that I want to live out my masculine side a little bit more. But I could tell from the way he was talking that he doesn't get it. He's currently, as I write this, selling all his things. All of them. He's giving up his flat. He's gonna stay with a friend for the last month he's there. It's scary as shit for him, and for me. But it just got scarier for me, because I don't fucking know what I am or what's going on with me or where I'm going with this. I don't know anything. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to stay in school. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to graduate. I don't know what my fucking gender is. I don't know. And I'm terrified that if I keep going in this direction, if I am a boy, fully and truly and actually 100% a boy, he won't want to be with me anymore. And he will have uprooted his life, moved here for me, and it'll end in tears. Everything feels like a potential mistake, because I'm not sure about anything. And it scares the fuck out of me. Wish someone could just hold me right now.

Hope tomorrow will treat you better, love! ❤️

When I came out as bi my mum was all, “So? So am I. I think everyone is.” This is different, though. This is a side of queer she’ll have a harder time understanding and accepting.

I chickened out in the end. is what it is I guess. Maybe next time.

Thank you! ❤️

I know she does. I just wish that she’d listen when I talk to her about it. She just kind of ignores me, changes the subject. And that hurts, because it feels like she’s not accepting who I am. Yeah. You may be right, I dunno. But I’m in a place right now where I’m starting to be more male presenting IRL. I write about it on social media, I talk about it to my friends, and I feel like I should tell her rather than just letting her see it all online. Which she does. She just doesn’t comment or mention it or anything.