My brain's doing that thing, where it's just running away and I can't keep up and I feel anxious and sad and also kind of elated and excited about stuff. So I thought I'd try to just try and write a stream-of-consciousness thing. So, this is my brain on whatever the hell is wrong with me. Sorry about the wall of text.
I'm super excited cause I've been reading comic books and I love the Young Avengers and why aren't Wiccan and Hulkling in the MCU? Almost out of comics, gonna have to f
'They're doing a premium short story collection at GA,' I said, 'for Pride. Coming out stories. Thought I might submit something, got a couple of ideas. I'd get paid, even.'
'That's nice,' she said vaguely. 'I think you should try to write some more . . . accessible stories, though. You know, stories you could sell.'
Did you not hear that I may in fact get paid? I sighed. 'I can only write the stories that come to me.'
She pursed her lips. 'Of course. But you could write something
I wanted to write something for trans day of visibility. Couldn’t quite figure out what to write. Maybe cause I can’t quite figure out what I am. I keep going back and forth between this joy at being able to be myself and this fear that this isn’t me at all. That I’m making it up. Hardcore impostor syndrome. I don’t have that story. I wasn’t a tomboy growing up. I was a girly girl who liked playing with dolls and dressing up like a princess. I don’t have body dysmorphia. I didn’t always feel lik
Mental illness and disability carry a lot of stigma, and a lot of people don’t understand it. Assumptions are made about various mental illnesses and the people who have them. And the way that we use terms related to mental illness in everyday language to describe completely different things can do a lot more harm than you think it might.
This isn’t about getting offended, by the way. This is about enforcing harmful stereotypes that actually hurt people who suffer from mental illness
Patreon is a service that I think a lot of people don't quite understand. Some people find it disingenuous, for instance, to ask people for money for a product that they will later be giving away for free, as many do. Others see it as akin to begging. That second one I find particularly odd... If anything, it's like busking.
Some history first: Back in the olden days, it was common for talented artists to acquire patrons. A patron might provide the artist with food, a place to live,
To preface: This is my blog, I have posted about politics and philosophy on it before, and I will continue to do so. I welcome discussion in the comments, but I ask that you keep it civil. Misogyny and transphobia will be reported, even if it means that this blog post is taken down. If you put words in my mouth, you will be summarily ignored. This is a personal and important subject to me. Please respect that.
Today is International Women's Day.
I've always consid
I think there's an unfortunate side-effect to mental illness that many experience. It's not one that's easy to understand or admit to, even to yourself, but I do think it's fairly common. At least I have observed it in both myself and many people I know (and I have a lot of friends irl with mental illness; it's like we're drawn together somehow, us weirdos who suck at fitting in because our brains don't function very well at times). As an example, I have a friend with ADHD and PTSD who often has
It takes many different forms in different people, really. It took me a long time to recognise my anxiety for what it was, because it wasn't like what I saw in the movies, or what friends with anxiety told me it was like. My anxiety generally manifests in one of two ways.
The first is anger. This was especially true when I was younger. My panic attacks manifested as temper tantrums. Instead of panicking, I would scream, shout, throw things. Nobody ever recognised this as anxiety. I b
It's tempting when writing a letter, to begin it with, 'I hope you're well.' Can't say that in this one, so I'll just go with, I miss you.
There are people here who knew you much longer than I did, who probably knew you better, too. But we were talking a lot, around Christmas and into January. You told me about your life, about your family, about your illness. I told you about my life. And we talked about movies and music. We talked about hospitals. And we talked about death.
So, I finished watching season one of Sex Education on Netflix. I loved it so much. It’s about a teenaged boy whose mother is a sex therapist. While he himself is utterly inexperienced, by some fluke it turns out that he shares his mother’s talent for therapy and sex advice, and he ends up running a ‘sex clinic’ where he helps students at school in return for a modest fee. Hilarity ensues, along with a lot of interesting drama. The show deals with bullying, sex (duh), prejudice, first loves, an
This came from an article about the 2005 book Born Gay, and was shared in a thread in the Tech and Science Geeks club a few days ago. In attempting to prove that being gay is genetic, the authors found it necessary to suggest that bisexuality does not exist. I can understand that. If people are genetically either gay or straight, phenomenons like bisexuality become hard to explain. Easier to just pretend they don’t exist and omit them from the equation so you can more easily prove what you’re tr
Warning: Just in case you haven't read my blog before, I swear. Deal with it. Also, this rant is a mess. Deal with that, too.
A little while ago I came across a post on Facebook in which some Gen Z kid or another was saying how great it was to be under 21, because people older than that don't understand memes. (There was other stuff, too, but that was my takeaway.) And, I just, what? Who do these kids think they are?
First of all, the word meme was coined by Richard Daw
No. You're right. It doesn't. I'm not trans masculine because I wear men's clothes. I wear men's clothes because I'm trans masculine. It's not because they're more comfortable (though they are), it's not because I don't like women's clothes (I do), it's because if people are going to recognise me as not a girl, I need to have a masculine gender expression, which starts with clothes. I wear men's clothes for the same reason most cis guys do.
Whenever they talk about kids who are tran
'I don't understand why you want to hide your curves like that,' she said, while I adjusted my binder. 'You look wonderful just as you are.'
And I thought, That's kind of hilarious, really, because you're always bugging me about losing weight. I told her, 'It's not about how I look. It's about how I feel.'
'No, I know. I understand.' No you don't. 'But wouldn't it be better if people were just happy with the bodies they have?'
I sighed. 'Would be nice, yeah. But we don't live in t
I'm sat here shivering. It's cold out, but I feel like it's not just that. I just feel really anxious.
I went to my mum's today, to celebrate Finland's Independence Day. We had food and champagne and watched the broadcast from the gala at the presidential palace in Helsinki. It was nice. I had planned to talk to her about my gender. About the non-binary thing. About trans-masculinity. About how I feel about myself and my body and my brain right now. And I couldn't. It just didn't ...
Yesterday I was in the studio at school to record a jazz trio. Piano, drums and accordion, it was pretty weird and wonderful (I still have one of those songs stuck in my head...). I am the only one in my class who's not a cis man. Probably the only one who's queer. So hanging out with and working with these guys can feel kind of lonely, I guess. But after recording, my studio partner and I were packing down the equipment. Third guy had a concert he was mixing, so it was just the two of us, and v
Note: I'm frustrated. I swear. Deal with it.
I was browsing YouTube yesterday when I came across a 10 Best LGBTQ Movies video. As I always do, I clicked on it, cause I'm always up for potentially finding new movies to watch. There were some good ones on the list, such as Call Me By Your Name, Milk, and Weekend for instance, and I found a couple I hadn't seen, either. But when they got down to #3, they lost me, because according to them the third best LGBTQ film in history is Brokebac
Over the years I've been here, I've gotten the odd PM asking me whether I'm actually male or female. I have answered these questions truthfully. When I returned after my hiatus, I was really happy to find that there's now a non-binary option under gender, as there wasn't one before. I identify as genderqueer, gender fluid, or non-binary. When I first got here, I didn't. Or, that is, I lacked the language to.
I was assigned female at birth, and I always thought I was comfortable that
Neil Gaiman once wrote, in response to angry A Song of Ice and Fire fans demanding the next book in the series, 'George R. R. Martin is not your bitch.'
Much like getting attacked on Twitter, I think alienating readers is proof that you're doing something right, if that makes any sense. You've pushed someone's buttons, made them think or feel in some way, even if it was negative. I have alienated multiple readers because of artistic choices I have made, and the same artistic choices
I'd almost forgotten I even had this blog. Figure, since I'm back, it's time I post something again, so I thought I might talk a bit about why I've been gone for so long and what's up with my mental health situation, which is a lot, actually.
First of all, I've been on some medication for the past five years that eventually sapped me of all my creativity. I've been virtually unable to write for over two years, only managing to pen the odd scene or jot down a plot idea here and there,
Today a dude in my group presented a painting with a bunch of hearts, meant to represent how sharing in art therapy group had helped him and put him in touch with his emotions and stuff, which, good for him. He prefaces this by saying, 'So, a bunch of hearts... Boys don't really draw hearts, I guess that's a little feminine...'
This is the guy who's previously complained about his boss being a woman, said he doesn't think a female therapist can understand a male patient, and made a w
Today, inspired by the good feels of Oslo's Pride celebration, I had a very public coming out on Facebook (very public; I even set it to 'public' so that any bigots who want to friend me will be able to see it and think better of it). I don't know what I expected, but my friends have just been heaping love and support on me, which is really wonderful. My mum hasn't acknowledged the post, though. I don't know if she just hasn't seen it yet or doesn't know how to handle it or what...
I'm doing it again! November is almost here, and I will be participating in NaNoWriMo once more. Last year, I won with Nemesis 2 (which, as many of you are aware, still isn't quite finished; I'm in the editing and rewriting stage and totally stuck, but I'm sure it'll come). This year, I will be working on the detective novel I've been planning for some months now. I'm really excited for it, which is awesome, as I don't get really excited about things very often these days.
Now, it ju
So, I haven't been here much lately, and the longer you stay away the harder it is to come back. So I thought I'd post a sort of general update for those who might be interested.
First of all, I'm doing okay. I take my meds, I get up in the mornings and go to school (I haven't quite mastered getting up the mornings I don't have school, but I'm working on it), I do my homework, I mostly eat proper food and the flat isn't a complete mess. Magpie's busy with work and uni, I'm just busy
When you've been depressed for a while, and you've found writing really hard, getting back into it can be a bit of a challenge. I'm feeling a lot better now. Going to school to study sound engineering this autumn, and it feels like my life is back on some kind of track. But the writing is still difficult.
The problem is that I have lots of ideas, and I want to get back to writing properly, I really do. But I'm mostly motivated to work on my new ideas. So I sit down thinking, 'I'm gon