Hi Cameron
I like where you are going with this story and I am already looking forward to the next chapter. I like the story-line and the characters but unfortunately, in this first chapter there is a lot of mistakes made on punctuation, grammar and spelling.
Please do not see this as being hateful or wanting you to drop the story or anything like that. I just want you to improve the story, so that it makes more sense and develops into a wonderful story in the end.
I don't want to make you hate me for all the things that I pointed out underneath, as I recently joined the Beta Readers group and would just like to help out any kind of Author such as yourself to improve the story, not to tear it down.
I might be harsh on some points, but that's just the way I am, my brother always complains, when I correct him on some things, and I basically scream at him, if he looks at me funny... lol
I placed the mistakes as I read the story so just follow the story, paragraphs and phrases and you will find everything I pointed out as the chapter flows...
All the mistakes are pointed out as bold words.
So here we go...
First paragraph, phrase; "She let out a long sigh as she looked at the article on her screen. 'The Ancient Ram Inn - Most Haunted Place in Britain' it read. He had gone over and over... The He should be a She as we're reading about a girl.
Fourth paragraph or second line after paragraph two; "... a sudden loud knock at the door causes them to both jump." I suggest correcting the sentence as follow; "a sudden knock at the door cases both of them to jump."
Phrase; "no over dressed are we Stella?" Kristen laughed as he closed... the he should be a she
Is it a blain or plain shirt with jeans and man's boots?
Phrase; "What it's simple were going haunting not to..." Correct the following so that the sentence makes more sense... "What, it's simple, we're going haunting..."
Phrase; "So are the others meeting us there?" Kristen... Stella is again pointed out as a he and not a she
Phrase; Brad was Stella's younger brother... he and Jake who is one of the girl best friends... correct it as follow; Brad was Stella's younger brother... he and Jake, who is one of the girl's best friends...
In the same paragraph; Kevin and Stella were dating Kevin was slightly... Please consider putting a full stop between dating and Kevin
In the following paragraph; Stella pulled the car around a few sharp turns luckily the Ancient... Please consider putting a full stop or comma between the words turns and luckily... There is a spelling mistake in the following as well; the Ancient... was in the same town jut... please correct the word jut - just... Please consider putting another full stop or comma further down the paragraph between the words; " opposite side and it had taken them...
Please correct the word in the same paragraph between; they wanted to use and [to an] Ouija board... and correct the following as well; They walked over to... and waiting soon enough it opened... Please start a new sentence between the two bold words.
Phrase; "Trust me it wont." wont - won't
Phrase; "I'm sure everything will be fine." Stella said just shrugging off. I would suggest you insert the word it between shrugging off so that it sounds as; Stella said just shrugging it off.
In the paragraph; As Stella placed the bag... He opened the door and standing behind it was Stewart Laura and Kevin... Please insert a comma between Stewart and Laura and further down please insert a comma between the following words; he was dressed like his sister almost tight jeans...
Phrase; "Well were all here now" Brad said smiling... Please correct were - we're
In the next phrase; "Well let's wait till it's a bit later and then well set up for the ritual"... Please consider correcting the word well - we'll
Two phrases down; "Well see you guys later"... Well - We'll
Two phrases down; "Hang on ill join you"... ill - I'll as well as the second ill - I'll in the same phrase
In the next phrase; "Were going to wait..." Were - We're
Two lines down in the short paragraph, second sentence; Stewart pulled his bag onto hos... hos - his
Five lines down in the phrase; "Ans I wont let anything bad happen..." wont - won't
Phrase; "Lets turn that one off now you don't need to see your sister and her boyfriend" Please consider putting a comma between now and you
In the following phrase I would consider taking out the two Bold words, so that the sentence makes more sense.; "Okay 5 of us just have to just well make a small cut and put our blood on the points"
Three lines down, two, after the paragraph, in the phrase; "Ready as well ever be"... well -we'll
Three lines down in the phrase; "I know but its fine well stay outside" correct its - it's and well - we'll and consider putting commas in the sentence so that it looks as follow; "I know, but it's fine, we'll stay outside"
Two lines down, in the paragraph; ... It stood hunched a cloak covering their face, in their had=nds... had=nds - hands and put a comma between hunched and a
In the phrase; "He fell trying to get the door open... Well see you all tomorrow" Well - We'll
In the phrase; "Same but i do worry..." Jake said leaning his head back to stop bleeding I would consider putting the word to between stop and bleeding so that it looks as follow; Jake said leaning his head back to stop the bleeding.
I hope this will help, i did not intend to destroy your story, but rather to improve it, I can't wait to read the next chapter... Thanks for an awesome story so far, even though you're just beginning it, I surely want to see, where this leads to...
Lots of hugs...
