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Fae Briona

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Blog Entries posted by Fae Briona

  1. Fae Briona

    Work insanity

    By Fae Briona,


    Work
    Just a rant.
    The college I work for has a new Dean (oh joy).  Great!  Except that she's psychotic.
    She waits until the last minute to make any decisions, then makes one that is illogical and actively hurts the goal that is trying to be achieved.  My boss is at a point she's seriously considering early retirement just to get away from her. If it wasn't 6 years away for me, I'd probably consider it too.
  2. Fae Briona

    Property

    By Fae Briona,


    Home
    SP and I are now the owners of 5-acres of land just outside of town.  Hopefully, we'll be able to get it cleared, get utilities hooked up, and get the house built -- at some point before we retire in 12-ish years.  We're probably insane, but worst case scenario is that we have property that will slowly appreciate.
  3. Fae Briona

    Grief and Guilt

    By Fae Briona,


    Life
    One week from tomorrow is the 4th anniversary of C's death.  It's hitting me harder than normal this year -- then I start to feel guilty about morning C while I have SP by my side.  😢
  4. Fae Briona

    Crazy year

    By Fae Briona,


    Family
    It's been a long and crazy year.  SP just left for work; we'll stay up & have a glass of Champaign when he gets home.
    Spent some time this week working on his house, but not as much as he would have liked. We have got a lot accomplished (I think).
    We made Hoppin' John for supper tonight, and there's enough for lunch tomorrow (a VERY Southern US dish for New Years that, in it's most basic form, contains rice, black eyed peas, ham and/or bacon, green bell pepper, and some cayenne pepper for a bit of heat).  I'm going to attempt to make a tourtière [Quebec mixed-meat savory pie] for supper tomorrow night.  Hopefully, it turns out well. Wish me luck.
    Our professional photographer should have our wedding pics done in the next few days; possibly as early as tomorrow.  But thought I'd share this one of SP and I that my brother took [hope the link works]. We make each other very happy.
  5. Fae Briona

    Wedding planning

    By Fae Briona,


    Wedding
    Wedding is only about 8-weeks away and we're still trying to get some things nailed down. I keep having to remind SP that it's close than he thinks it is.  The invitations need to go out and we don't even have a full guest list typed up yet!  Not to mention minor things like FLORAL.  <sigh>
    Just had to rant a bit this morning.  I know everything will come together in the end the way it was meant to and am trying not to stress over it, but I'll feel better once all the details are nailed down.
  6. Fae Briona

    2am Phone Calls

    By Fae Briona,


    Family
    Brother [M] called at 1:44am this morning. Dad -- who would have turned 100 on Oct. 7th -- had been sliding a bit but not rapidly. We expected something soon - but not this soon.
    He was hurting quite a bit last night so Hospice gave him what M called "a very tiny amount" of morphine just to knock the edge off the pain.  Before he left they said his vital signs were really good.  He hadn't been sleeping that well. The morphine allowed him to relax enough to go into a deep sleep and...just didn't wake up.  Much worse ways to go (like watching mom linger for four days), and he had a long life. He'd outlived everyone except my brother and I -- all of his siblings, all of his friends. And we know he was ready to go. He's made that statement for some time.
    So, a lot of conflicting emotions at the moment.
  7. Fae Briona
    We had the internment for my mom yesterday morning -- just my brother and I, our SO's, and my last surviving Aunt.
    My brother surprised both SP and me by asking if we wanted to go somewhere for lunch. Had a nice meal without any awkward silences, so that was nice. Maybe -- maybe -- he's changing some. But then just a couple of weeks ago when he stopped by to sign mom's life insurance paperwork he never even turned off the car.
    Doesn't seem like it's been almost 12 month's since SP and I had our first date, sending us down this road of our new relationship. He's said that there are doors opening in his heart he's kept closed for quite some time. Love him so much.
  9. Fae Briona

    Counsel / Console

    By Fae Briona,

    SP and I are going to start pre-marriage counseling next week. Expect it to be a bit rough, but good in the long run.  There are things in his past he thinks he's dealt with, that I don't think he has.
    We've had a few difficult conversations the last week -- not helped by my pain level having been extremely high for three days now -- but we'll work through things.
  10. Fae Briona

    Friends and Fear

    By Fae Briona,

    My best friend sent me a txt at 6am this morning.  She's in a hospital in OKC with a massive infection in her lower back. She's had multiple back surgeries in the last 10+ years.
    Two weeks ago her pain level was so high she was nearly suicidal. Not helping that her "pain management" Dr. cut back her pain Rx to a point where they're useless. She finally convenced them to take an MRI and they found a "raging infection of osteomyelitis in her spine where her hardware is. She kept trying to tell them something was wrong but they weren't listening. She has a PICC line [a line direct to the heart to deliver meds].
    She had FOUR bone marrow biopsy's  on Tuesday. The meds they started to use caused reactions that let to seizures and had the hospital call her husband and daughter (my god-child) to get to the hospital ASAP; her blood pressure rapidly went from 90/60 to 160/90.
    She's "better now" but can't use her legs -- she wasn't clear, but that sounds permanent
    And because of the COVID situation I really can't go down to see her.
    😢
  11. Fae Briona

    The New Plague

    By Fae Briona,

    Last Tuesday I woke up w. an ear ache from sinus congestion and  a slightly elevated temp; went into Urgent Care on Wed and -- based on my history of sinus infections and a lack of more serious symptoms -- got some antibiotics.
    Those haven't worked.  My normal body temp is at the low end of normal (low to mid 97's; occasionally high 96's. Hit hit 99.8F yesterday. Shortness of breath is getting worse, lethargy has been present the last few days, and this morning the "digestive upset" portion of CoVID-19 symptoms kicked in.  I'll need to call the Health Dept. tomorrow and set up an appointment but even if I get in then it could be Friday before I get a result.  Because of my asthma I do have a blood-oxygen reader at home and it's till 97%, so that's good.
    Worried about SP -- either he's positive and asymptomatic, or negative and at risk.  I've not been many places, and have always worn my mask.
    Wish us luck. I'll probably be doing some meditating this afternoon -- if I can get my mind into that state.
  12. Fae Briona

    New beginnings

    By Fae Briona,

    SP and I bought promise / engagement rings today. His is 10mm wide - 6mm black band in the center, with two small silver bands on the outside, spaced slightly off the main ring; mine is a 6mm black band.  It was good.
     
    We did not go to the cemetery today like I had originally thought I would. The last two years I had very strong "intuition" on what day and time I should be there. This year... nothing. That really upset me yesterday; then felt bad about being upset about it when SP and I are almost at our 6-month anniversary (the 27th -- which is also C's birthday -- which hasn't helped any). I think that lack of "intuition" was C's way of telling me to let him go. Not entirely of course, I'll always love him, but I can't look back and look forward too.
    Times, like yesterday, I still feel very torn by my emotions towards my Boy and my Darling; my past, and [hopefully] my future.
  13. Fae Briona
    My brother got dad moved into his new facility yesterday -- or, more accurately, watched as staff got him moved. Sent me a pic of the room through the window; looks nice from what I could see.
    Said dad was able to walk [using a walker] from the car to his room, but also asked if he would still be in the Army. 😢 Dad's not been in the Army since the end of WWII.  Hoping that by the time SP and I am able to get up there to see him he still remembers who I am.
    It's been very upsetting and I'm glad to have SP by my side supporting me emotionally through this.
  14. Fae Briona
    Last Thursday I was trying to cook something in the oven and was wondering why it wasn't cooking like it should be -- then looked in and noticed the lower element was shorting out and sparking like an arc wielder.
    They delivered the new range this afternoon.  Brought it in, hooked it up, and were about to leave. Said, "just a moment" and turned the breaker back on.  Good thing I did that because nothing happened.  They double checked their installation of the new cord onto the range and it was ok. Only thing they can think of is that when the element shorted it fried the plug; prongs on the old plug aren't burnt so that was a bit confusing, and they said it was a good thing I noticed because it should have flipped the breaker but didn't. Or -- as I'm typing this out -- perhaps it did and the breaker just isn't resetting.  <sigh> electricity is out of my wheelhouse
    So, tomorrow I get to call an electrician, and hopefully find one working.
  15. Fae Briona

    Puppy Love

    By Fae Briona,

    SP and I moved the dogs over yesterday evening -- it was a long long night.
    We're sure they'll adjust at some point, but it could be awhile before that happens. Wish us luck.
  17. Fae Briona

    Date Night

    By Fae Briona,

    Nervous tonight.  SP  has to work tomorrow evening at his second job so our Valentine's date is tonight.
    Shaved my beard down close -- it hasn't been this tight in decades -- because he thought the longer one I had made me look older (probably did). He knows how long I've worn it that way and that this is only something I would be doing for him.
    Will leave here in about 30 min to go pick him up. Much more nervous than I thought I would be.  Made sure to have his card and box of chocolates in the car; his flowers will be delivered to his office tomorrow. No idea where we are going to eat -- he arranged all of the evening plans.
  18. Fae Briona

    Changes

    By Fae Briona,

    Dad is getting settled into the new assisted living facility. We've been told he could be confused for a month or so still.
    Went up yesterday to help my brother sort through the remaining things in dad's old apartment in the independent living center - piles for me, piles for him, piles to move, piles to donate.  Extremely depressing. Like dividing up someones things after they've died - thought I guess there is a bit less emotion to doing it now. Brother has finally admitted that dad is 98 and is pretty much done with things.  I really don't see him hanging around much longer because he has no real desire to do so.
    Will need to try to go back up in a couple of weekends, and maybe take SP with me this time.
  19. Fae Briona

    cràdh cridhe

    By Fae Briona,

    Warning:  This is me whining, but trying to get my thoughts in order by writing them out. I left work early today not knowing if I was going to start screaming or crying; or just start doing both.
    This week has not been a good one. The weather keeps shifting back and forth by large jumps so the joints can't get back in balance before the next front hits. This is keeping my pain level above normal, and that is increasing my depression, and that is increasing my level of irritation.
    Partly because of this and partly -- I think -- because of the increased feelings for SP, C has been on my mind a lot the last few days.  SP knows something is up because he reminded me he was there if I needed to talk. I wasn't going to because I don't want him to think he's competing for my love with a ghost, but I'm finding that to be deceitful; lies of omission. So I've decided I need to talk to him about C being in my dreams and how that relates to our beginnings. I'm pretty sure that SP will understand where these things are coming from. I've already said that my love for C will always be there. That won't fade as my love for SP grows, and he is aware of that. He actually brought up polyamory, and that is what led to that conversation. It's nice to be dating someone who is open to the idea of polyamory and the possibility of finding a third -- for the long term -- once our foundation is set.  I Will Love You by Gin Wigmore came on this morning and I thought I was going to break down in my office - "So if you die before I do, I know the heartache will kill me too.  So if I ever live again, It will be to find you."
    My brother sent a txt this afternoon telling me to call him when I had a chance.  He never does that so I knew it wasn't good news.  They brought dad from Skilled Nursing back to where he's been living for the last 9 years. Both my brother and I thought his memory would be better once he was back in familiar surroundings, but...    doesn't look like it's going to be. He really didn't remember the building. He remembered the tractor in front of his door and a few other things but asked if he had lived there before. He didn't quite remember the person who's been cleaning his room for the last several years (who was sweet enough to come see him when he was in the hospital).  Dad's also lost weight (11 pounds), which isn't good, and he's not as strong walking as he has been just a few days ago.  Something is still wrong with his back. Nothing is broken but there's still too much pain for there to be nothing wrong.  He did ask my sister in law if "this place can take care of my needs" so there is some self-recognition that he is going to need help.   A good chance he'll be moved either to Assisted Living or Nursing Home in the morning.  I know my brother is bothered by this, as am I; but it's the best thing for him. I need to try to call my brother back and get more info. He had to hang up when we were talking this afternoon because dad needed something.
    I hope to see SP tonight, but it probably won't be until tomorrow.  I know I'm a mental mess at the moment. I need him but, at the same time, am afraid of letting him see me in this mental state.
  20. Fae Briona
    Today, January 27th 2020, marks the 75th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auschwitz; 1.1 million died there - Jewish, gay, Roma, and others.
    https://dynaimage.cdn.cnn.com/cnn/q_auto,w_634,c_fill,g_auto,h_357,ar_16:9/http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.cnn.com%2Fcnnnext%2Fdam%2Fassets%2F190614214813-auschwitz-exhibition-6-shoes.jpg
     
  21. Fae Briona

    Carpe Noctem

    By Fae Briona,

    SP spent the night last night, for the second time.  Slept in an odd position and my hip is killing me; his back is killing him.  That's most likely because neither of us is used to sleeping next to anyone anymore.  My allergies are bad and my blood pressure is sky high this morning and they were last time too.  This one I'm pretty sure is because he smokes -- and has for many many years -- and bringing that up is going to be difficult.  I'll probably have to tell him he'll need to go outside (he has been smoking outside) to smoke his last cig before bedtime earlier than he has been, so the smell of smoke is not as strong as when we get into bed.
    Things are going well between us. I worry about messing things up by saying something, but on the other hand he'd hate to wake up to me having a heart attack.
    Need to go into work and take care of things I wasn't able to get done this week from being out Wed. afternoon and almost all day on Thurs. due to joint pain but....  that will have to wait until the hip calms down enough for me to function.
  23. Fae Briona

    Tòiseachadh

    By Fae Briona,

    SP and I have had several conversations:  about our pasts, our fears, our insecurities, our hopes for what this could be.
    Had a few small dates so far, and planning on something larger for New Years.  I'm cautiously optimistic and I think he is too. We seem to be on the same page with things - where we are now, what we want going forward.
    To possibilities, hope, and the future.  🍾
  24. Fae Briona

    Holidays

    By Fae Briona,

    Cake was a hit, but....
    Morning before I left my brother called to say dad had fallen (again) and this time shattered his leg just below the hip.  They did a partial hip replacement yesterday morning, using a spinal block instead of putting him out completely.  Doc said his leg / hip bones looked like someone who was 48, not 98 so that was good. He was doing ok this morning.
    Came back home to find a car from the AirBnB across the street parked in my driveway.  They moved it pretty quick after I used the word "IMPOUND" and I filed a complaint through AirBnB Neighbors.
    Have a date stopping by in about an hour. Need to eat a small supper.  Nervous, and not sure why -- was nervous at our lunch last week too.  Just want to relax this evening, with him in my arms, and forget about the rest of the last few days.
  25. Fae Briona

    Random thoughts

    By Fae Briona,

    Attended the memorial for the wife of a faculty member today.  They had planned on retiring this year (for the second time), take a position back with his Alma Mater that involved less work (his idea of retirement), and enjoying their time together.  She was a sweet, kind, lovely woman -- but don't mistake that for weak. Not sure exactly how long they've been married, but longer than I've been alive.
    Between that and the weather changes making me ache, I've been mostly awake since 3am.
    Too much loss in the last year. 😢
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