Jump to content

Fae Briona

Members
 View Profile  See their activity

  • Posts

    2,305

  • Joined

  • Last visited

 Content Type 

Blog Entries posted by Fae Briona

  1. Fae Briona

    Memories and Lyrics

    By Fae Briona,

    I'm not really a writer - things pop into my heat now and then and demand to be written down, but not good otherwise; and at the moment there's too many competing emotions to make any coherent statement. So I'm going to do what I've done before, and use a selection of song lyrics to express my feelings on this -- both my birthday, today, and the 1-yr anniversary of the loss of my boy at the end of the week. Kind of traces my emotions from the beginning or our relationship, and the hesitancy he had for so long because he'd been hurt so bad, to grief, to (not quite yet) healing:
    1 -------------------- Please let me try to
    I can heal the pain
    That you're feeling inside
    Whenever you want me
    You know that I will be
    Waiting for the day
    That you say you'll be mine He must have really hurt you
    To make you say the things that you do
    He must have really hurt you
    To make those pretty eyes look so blue
    Now you can't see my love is good
    And that I'm not him   2 -------------------- There's a big old hole in the middle of you
    'Cause somebody left you black and blue
    Yeah we all make promises we can't keep
    And they're paper thin but cut so deep One day we're together then we're apart
    Why won't you let me fill up your empty heart   3 -------------------- I never cried the way I cried over you
    As I put down the telephone and the world it carried on As I watch the sun go down, watching the world fade away
    All the memories of you come rushing back to me
    All I want to do is kiss you once goodbye, goodbye   4 ------------------- I don't want to swim the ocean,
    I don't want to fight the tide,
    I don't want to swim forever,
    When it's cold I'd like to die.   5 -------------------- 'Cause I'm gonna be free and I'm gonna be fine
    (Maybe not tonight)   6. -------------------- When you feel you've had enough
    From this world that's giving up on you
    On you... Sometimes we can relax walking through the fire
    And when it all turns to dust
    We'll watch the ashes light up and we'll rise
    We'll rise And we'll be fine (And we'll be, And we'll be)
    (And we'll be, And we'll be) ==================================
    Not quite to the point of "being fine", but I know I'll get there - if only because my boy would want me to.
     
    1) Heal the Pain, George Michael; 2) Empty Heart, Grace Potter; 3) For a Friend, The The Communards / Jimmy Somerville; 4) When It's Cold I'd Like to Die, Moby, 5) Delilah, Florence+The Machine, 6) We'll be Fine, Rebecca Ferguson
  2. Fae Briona

    Memories

    By Fae Briona,

    Took today and Monday off. I'm not making it to Joplin for the Tri-State Gem & Mineral event because of unexpected car repairs but I did drive down to the same town C & I were at when we spent an entire afternoon wandering through antique stores. There were a couple of moments where his loss threatened to sneak up on me, but I tried to focus on the fun we had that afternoon -- the brief moments holding hands, the quick pat an the ass when we where out of sight of other customers -- the good memories to keep.
    I know that the first part of November isn't going to be good. I have a feeling that memories of his passing are going to overwhelm any thoughts of my 50th birthday; but I know he doesn't want me to be hurting.
  3. Fae Briona

    Recent Events

    By Fae Briona,

    Blood pressure has continued to swing from way too high to way too low -- and yesterday it did both in one day.  I know part of the "high" was taking my evening medication later than I normally do by almost two hours + very high level of pain.
    A multi-state property management agency just bought the house across the street and down one. They want to turn it into a "short-term rental" [which the city defines as anything less than 30-days] full time. To do that you have to apply for a permit with the city as at that point it's a business (kind of like a garage / lawn sale - if you have one once or twice a year you're cleaning away junk; if you have one every month you're running a business).  No I've nothing against the idea on it's own but the companies rep has been a complete ass and has left the HOA with the impression he has no intent of following through on anything he says he's going to do.  That does not make us trust that he's going to run the rental in a manner that won't be disruptive to the neighborhood.
    The HOA president was there on behalf of several people from the neighborhood, and other than her I was the only person from the HOA there. His attitude in the meeting didn't ease any of my concerns -- and didn't help him with the members of the Zoning Commission. They ruled in our favor and denied the application.  Have a feeling that the 'fight' isn't over though - he just gives you the feeling of someone who doesn't really care about following the rules.
    Going to that is what caused me to get home so late.  I hadn't expected the meeting to take almost TWO HOURS. There were only three other items on the agenda. Guess I should be happy that they didn't just rush through things and listened to what both sides on each of the issues had to say. But by the time it was over my pain level was extremely high, as was my blood pressure.
  4. Fae Briona
    The very very last of our new Teaching Assistants gave me her paperwork today. Reminded her that she never wants to be the very very last person.  Her excuse is that she's a commuter (who only lives an hour away). I had people from out of state turn in their stuff before they even moved; even the international students who didn't have stuff to give me until they got here this week had turned their things in already.
    Blood pressure is continuing to climb after having gone wacky the first week of July. Cardiologist hasn't called me back, even though I gave them my sheets -- and concerns -- last week and left an online msg for them last night.  If I don't hear from them by noon tomorrow I'm calling them.  It's going up at an ever increasing rate; was 140/90 when I got home today, which is high enough I can tell it's up. Before this it had been consistently staying below 120/80.
  5. Fae Briona

    Whispers

    By Fae Briona,

    I mentioned in a comment recently, the insidious voices that whisper words of doubt in your own mind. Voices, dealing my entire life with depression,  I know all too well.  It brought this story to mind:  Always, They Whisper.  The author also has a spotlight article on the story that is quite insightful, but that should be read after you read the short story.
  6. Fae Briona
    Went to the Allergist this morning for the first time, and had the full 61-stick test.  Results of what it says I am -- and am not -- allergic too don't match my life experience. Things it says I'm barely allergic too are things that are guaranteed to make me sick when they get high.  We'll take the new stuff, see how it goes, and go back in about a month.
    Hate it when a song sneaks up on you and clubs you over the head with emotion.  Had Pandora playing, and Gin Wigmore's, "I Will Love You" started playing:
    So if you die before I do,
    I know the heartache
    Will kill me too
    So if I ever live again,
    It will be to find you
    My Boy has been on my mind a lot the last few days.  Not sure why.  💔
  7. Fae Briona

    Valves

    By Fae Briona,

    What I've described to the Dr. in the past as being, "short, sharp, heartbeats" were being very and unusually persistent last night when I was trying to fall asleep. Ended up going to the ER -- not out of concern (they've already said they didn't see anything concerning about my heart function) but in the hopes that if they were going to persist that I could relax enough they would happen there where I would be monitored.  It's very difficult to relax in an ER room, even when that's your goal.  😕   I did have a couple but they were small and didn't show as anything unusual in the chart.  I'd chalk it up to an expensive failure except that the Dr. on duty mentioned something he thought they sounded like and fit the "only happening when I'm relaxing and trying to sleep" -- premature ventricular contractions. I just sent a note to my cardiologist; left off the part where the ER doctor expressed surprise that the cardiologist hadn't already considered or mentioned them as a possibility.  In and of themselves they're too much of a concern but...    I mentioned in my note that they were becoming more frequent [both in time and in numbers] and were making it increasingly difficult to fall asleep. Does seem like those should show themselves on the EKG though. I wasn't having at all them when I wore the Halter monitor the first time.
    I know I should trust the Dr. when he says there is no sign of anything wrong with the heart itself but it does seem incongruous to be having these if there is nothing wrong. They're like a single beat where it feels like the heart compresses too much with no pain before or after.  My friend who is a nurse would tell me that I'm just worrying too much -- which I do have a tendency to do [part of the whole 'anxiety disorder' thing]. Haven't told her that I went in last night or what the doc suggested they might be.
     
    On an entirely different topic, during my Uber ride on my way into the ER @ 3am we passed a large gas station / convenience store that sits at the corner of two of the main streets through town.  Entrance was coned off, the entire area was taped off, and there were several cops there. Driver said she'd driven by about an hour earlier and saw a, "shirtless man talking to the cops who looked upset".
    Getting home this morning early and turning on the news, the man she saw had a gunshot wound to the neck. He'd been shot somewhere else and dropped off there. He was taken to the hospital where he later died.  Cops have one person held for questioning.
    This isn't the sort of thing that normally happens in this town, though we've had more shooting recently than normal.
  8. Fae Briona
    Blood pressure was low yesterday morning so just took a 1/2 a pill.  Dropped to a point I nearly passed out when standing up at one point.  Only got up to 105/72 by 5pm last night (pulse of 75). It's just 85/62 this morning with a pulse of 109 (pulse would be that high because the bp is so low).  No idea what's up but it could stop and I'd be happy.  Need to eat something for breakfast then try to lay down and stay down for the morning.
  9. Fae Briona

    Power and Heat

    By Fae Briona,

    A "transmission arm" broke early this afternoon in the city where my brother and parents live, leaving about 1/5 of the town without power (just under 10.4 thousand). Naturally, my charming brother didn't bother to text me until FOUR HOURS LATER to say that he still had power and mom & dad were with him.  I hadn't had the TV on all day and hadn't heard anything about it. Aunt was without power too.
    Heat index there today was 108° F at 3pm.  Can't find anything that gives trivial little details like why the line broke.  😕
    He txt'd back a bit ago to say that mom & my Aunt had power but don't know about dad yet.  Just glad that mom & dad had a place to go. Hate to think of the other elderly people in their buildings that didn't have anywhere else they could stay.
  10. Fae Briona
    Well, apparently, in addition to not lasting more than a few days when it should last a few weeks and increasing my shaking, the dual steroid shot I got on Friday makes my blood pressure go up. It's increased every reading [morning / evening] since Friday. Of course, I did need something to break the pain for a bit at least and it did let me get up to the memorial & back which I wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. If I get it again I need to remember that the higher reading isn't one of the normal "blips" where it drops back to normal and adjust my bp Rx to keep it from going up (as much).
  11. Fae Briona

    Old "Friends"

    By Fae Briona,

    I introduced my best friend in high school to my best friend from college and they got married and had 5 kids -- all of whom still call me "Uncle". Then his brains turned to mush,  he married the Whore of Babylon, had other kids and forgot about his first family.  I've not spoke with him in ages. Last time we talked he apologized for only calling when he needed money -- them promptly asked for money.
    The oldest boy is angry, but still wants his dads love. He's given L second chance after second chance; oldest daughter changed her last name to her moms' dad's last name; second boy is just sad (he has no money to pay child support so W could get new clothes for school but the last time W saw him he had a brand new PlayStation and X-Box.  Not talked to #4 in private so not sure what his thoughts are and I doubt that #5 remembers anything about him ever being around.
    He got my number yesterday from his oldest. They  were on their way back from some trip they took [with $$ that should be going towards back child support].  He want's me to "meet his family".  Resisted the urge to remind him I have met his family and perhaps he's forgotten about them and his responsibilities to the young adults who are STILL HIS CHILDREN?  Weather was bad last night so I had assumed I'd lucked out and avoided this meeting.
    Nope.  They apparently stopped somewhere last night. He called just a few minutes ago and will be in town in about 90-minutes. I could -- and probably should -- have lied and said I was busy with something but didn't. Meeting in a public place so less likely to blow up and tell him what a worthless human being I think he actually is.
    Wish me luck.
  12. Fae Briona

    Memorials

    By Fae Briona,

    Woke up early this morning (too early for a Saturday [ah - just remembered re-reading this that I need to reset my alarm!]) and drove up to attend my Aunt's Memorial service. Took mom so she wouldn't have to ride with my brother -- that and I have a handicap sticker.
    The slideshow / video her oldest boy made with a bit of help from my brother was nice. Could have done without the ministers congregational recruitment blah blah that I found a bit out of place and inappropriate for the situation. Was a short but lovely service. Mom managed to get through it ok.
    Had a little dinner afterwards, provided by the "ladies of the church" in an attached building. Had a few short chats with those cousin's I knew I wouldn't want to strangle, then took mom home, swung by to see dad on my way out of town and wish him a Happy Father's Day, then came home.
     
    Heavy rains coming in over night with possibly damaging winds (70-80mph), possibly tennis ball sized hail, and -- because everything is still saturated and full -- another chance of flooding.
  13. Fae Briona
    Stayed home today to, as the boss said, try to "reset" myself.  Work has been stressful recently, but it always is this time of year; just seems extra stressful this year. I know part of that of loss -- of my love, of my aunt -- and part of that the weather, which has been keeping my pain level much higher than normal. Consistent high pain makes it difficult to deal with the stress and increases my depression; increased depression makes it harder to deal with the pain; and soon I'm "circling the drain" so to speak. I know my coworkers are concerned about me.
  14. Fae Briona
    It is done.  They were able to place my Boy's headstone yesterday.  C's sis sent me an email at almost midnight last night that I didn't see until lunch today. It looks good. It feels....   relief?   I had really wanted / needed it to be installed before his birthday on Monday, and was afraid they weren't going to be able to do it because of the weather. His sis was wanting it done before his birthday as well.
    If the state doesn't wash away, I'll go down on Monday for his birthday, and be able to look at it first hand.
    💔
  15. Fae Briona

    Dreamscapes

    By Fae Briona,

    I frequently have vivid hyper-realistic dreams but some are more odd than others.
    Last night I had a very strange dream and vivid dream and can still remember the main details.  There was a city with six sides, surrounded by walls, and at each corner a Gothic spire rose impossibly high into the sky, slowly arching over at the top until they met in the center high above the city.  There was some sort of disk on top of the points of the spires -- entire thing was almost like a birdcage. I was up at the top of this structure, with five others, one of us for each spire, -- which is a place I can guarantee I'd never want to be in the waking world as I have a fear of heights -- all of us gargoyles or angles or a blend of both. I know there was a discussion and/or argument about something, but couldn't remember what when I woke up. Was difficult to see the architectural style of the city because of the height, but it seemed to be in a much older style - definitely not modern.
    Part of me wonders what my mind was trying to sort out or tell me. Part of me isn't sure I'd want to know.
  16. Fae Briona

    Patience

    By Fae Briona,

    My Boy's headstone is - finally - ready; HOWEVER -- they are going to have to wait "until the ground is a bit drier" before they can install it.
    I just want him to have it before his birthday on the 27th.  At least they didn't screw it up a third time. It does help some to know that it's ready.  Extremely annoyed at my best friend who, not intending to be a bitch she says, used the word "antzy" to describe my feelings on it's continuing delay. 
    More storms moving in overnight into tomorrow. High winds, moderate risk of night-time quick spin-up tornadoes (those that pop up and dissipate quickly), and half-dollar sized hail.
  17. Fae Briona
    I had problems falling asleep last night and this popped into my head unbidden and fully formed. Then insisted I write it down before it would let me rest (you can picture whatever Muse is to blame standing behind me, his sharpened quill-pen ✒️ at my throat) :

    My beautiful rose
    made of shattered glass,
    glittering in the sunlight
    and morning dew.
    Beautiful from afar,
    but made of sharp points
    and rough edges
    which cut & scar when you try to
    hold it too close,
    hold it too tightly.
    Your fragile beauty
    falling apart in the heat
    of the midday sun.

    I wrote that thinking of Mr P, who I knew before C and I got our relationship going. Sexually-fluid, gender-queer, skin like smooth chocolate, beautiful lips, a body that was…  mmmmm…  did I mention the boy was pretty? Damn was he pretty. Lace & corsets; mascara & lip gloss; muscles & strength. Mostly, but not entirely, gay; mostly, but not entirely, a top. Starting in a hole he had no hand in digging and determined to climb out, but he kept sliding back in. Looking for a Daddy with a firm hand and love but afraid of finding what he needed. Someone called him a Butch Queen, which I'm sure they did not mean as a compliment, but which is probably the best label for him. Though he hates labels as they bind you as much as they identify you and he never wanted to be tucked neatly into any box. The trust between us finally wore away but I still wonder how he is and what may have been. He lost himself to the shadows in the hole and I am afraid it will bury him.
  18. Fae Briona

    joie de vie

    By Fae Briona,

    Something during my trip up to see mom and my Aunt on Friday has triggered a full-blown allergy attack.  If it weren't for my stubborn insistence that I will have my bœuf bourguignonne for lunch I'd still be in bed.  But...   as I so want it for lunch it has to start now.  One of the reasons I rarely make it -- too much of a pain in the ass to bother for one person. However, it's what I was going to make my Boy last year before our plans fell apart, and what I was going to make him for Valentines this year before....  before the aneurysm.
    I have to make it -- it's part of my dealing with his no longer being here. My head is stuffy and I feel miserable and am probably on the verge of a full-blown sinus infection but I'm going to make the d** stew, eat it for lunch, and think of all the good times I had with my Boy in the short time we did have together.
  19. Fae Briona

    Waiting

    By Fae Briona,

    Drove up to see my Aunt this morning before she passes.  Mom and I went over once I got into town.  There was enough of an awareness that when mom said we were there, her breathing rate changed.  Almost like she was struggling to the surface.  I told her to relax -- that she didn't need to respond to us, and sat holding her hand. Told her I loved her. Weren't there too long, but by the time we left her breathing had settled back into a calm and regular (if shallow) pace.  Her blood pressure (top number) was in the 50's when I left to come home. They expect she'll go this weekend.
    My youngest Aunt is, again, holding everything together for everyone else. Just once I'd like for her to be able to be the one to fall apart -- let someone else "hold it together" to help everyone else cope.
  20. Fae Briona
    Finally realized that I'm going to have to finish painting the loft the same way I started:  playing songs of love and loss, grieving for my boy, and loosing myself in the painting. It's the only way the loft can get done and -- more importantly -- I think it's one of the things that has to be closed for me to let him go. Though I should have left Rebecca Ferguson's version of "I'll Count the Days" off the playlist. 😭
    The other is for his headstone to finally be installed. Sent an email to the friend I'd been talking to. A couple of weeks ago she said it would a week or two before the 3rd one [since they F*d the first two] would be ready; then FOUR to SIX WEEKS before it got installed.  I'm still hoping it's there in time for his birthday on Memorial Day.
    Finished  the first coat and stopping for lunch, pain Rx (storms moving in), and a Xanax (because I'm not so stupid as to not realize I need one).
  21. Fae Briona

    Haberdashery

    By Fae Briona,

    Found a menswear store in this town that can actually do decent tailoring (or so I've been told).  Going in for a fitting on Friday after work.  I need a new suit, and my body frame is too oddly proportioned  to even consider just wearing a suit off the rack -- especially the jacket.  Un-tailored, a suit jacket that fits my shoulders is way to baggy around my chest; and my waist (narrow) and leg length (long) is a nearly impossible size to find even in normal dress slacks.  Hoping they are as good as I've been told they are.
    I hate shopping for clothing.  
  22. Fae Briona
    Forgive the pun but suitably impressed by my suit consultation today.  Getting a nice light charcoal in a wool/silk blend.  Gentleman took several measurements and I left feeling confident that when the suit arrives in a week or so there won't be that much "fine tuning" to do for it to fit perfectly. And the total cost is going to be less than I expected, so that's a bonus!
  23. Fae Briona

    Beautiful Titles

    By Fae Briona,

    I buy a lot of books for new faculty members, and this one is the best title I've seen in ages: From a Broken Bottle Traces of Perfume Still Emanate
    I know nothing about this book and want to read it based on that title alone.
  24. Fae Briona

    Blessed are...

    By Fae Briona,

    A "thank you" card from C's sister showed up in the mail today, to thank me for paying off the headstone. First time I've heard from her directly -- my other interactions have been with a mutual friend of C and his sis. Was nice to finally hear from her directly, but sad to know that she's still having a really really hard time with his passing.  I know there are moments for me where a memory will catch me blindsided and rip my heart to pieces again, but for her it seems like that's still a constant state of being.   💔
  25. Fae Briona

    Loverboy

    By Fae Briona,

    Need a vacation -- too much stress.
     
    Reading "Between the Shadow and the Soul" has brought back memories of my cub. Wish I knew where he was, but he stopped talking to me a couple of years ago. My cub is the one person I've loved with all my heart who I knew would never love me back the same way. He stayed in my apartment for about a month while he was trying to get things together. Always tried to be circumspect about when he was going out, to not hurt my feelings, but I always knew.  Thing is, I loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy -- even if that happiness wasn't with me. It would have still killed a little bit of my soul had he found it though.
     
    Enough maudlin memories for the night.
×
×
  • Create New...