jkwsquirrel

It took a lot longer than usual to get dressed and ready for the prom than I expected. I didn’t think I would care so much about how I looked, but I spent at least an extra ten minutes in the bathroom making sure everything looked right. Mom had taken me to a barber earlier in the week for an honest-to-god haircut, instead of letting Dustin take a hacksaw to it. I stood there in front of the mirror looking at the young man looking back at me. Teeth were brushed, hair was combed, contacts were pr

So, I'm gearing up for the next chapter, which is a doozy. I've finally run out of spare chapters. Usually, I have a few in the tank, but recent circumstances have limited my writing time. For those wondering, home life has been great. The power of honesty goes a long way, I guess my writing was a way of processing that. So what about last chapter, huh? Here's the thing - Joey was really the key I needed to do these last few chapters where Billy and Brett weren't on speaking terms. Joey is the key to showing what's up on Brett's side of things, and what did we learn? When Brett first found out, he was furious. And when Brett is furious he wants to hurt whoever hurt him even worse. That's been his m.o. from childhood. Brett had made a lot of progress through part 5, and even most of part 6 he was on the right path. Then he broke his leg and had nothing to do but think. Then he got bored and started investigating, and thinking some more. When he discovered the truth, all he wanted to do was get revenge. But what happened? He went nuclear on Billy, and just like Billy came to regret nuking Joey, Brett has come to regret what he did to Billy, even if he was justified in being angry. And that's where the growth begins. Brett didn't continue his plans, plans which included destroying his mother's reputation and Jack's family. He really really wanted to be vindictive and crush them, but seeing what he did to Billy made him change his mind. Or maybe it was more seeing what he did to Billy did to himself? He reverted to the bratty version of himself, even smoking a joint to cope with the pain. He didn't particularly care for that side of himself. Seeing what getting his revenge on Billy did to himself, he abandoned his plans for Jack and his mom. Billy, assuming that surely Brett had exposed things, kept expecting word to get out about Jack and Jen, but it never happened. Then Billy ended up being the one who revealed to Jack that Brett knew, since Billy assumed Jack had already found out. So by not going through with his plans for revenge, Brett gave Billy the opportunity (without even realizing it) he needed to begin his own redemption by shaking off the shackles Jack and Jen's lies had placed on him. He also gave Jack a chance for redemption, which could only happen if Jack came clean to his wife instead of her finding out from a ranting 18-year-old kid. Or at least that was what I was going for. It couldn't just be about Billy finding his way back. It's Brett's story too. Leaving Billy stranded in a town a hundred miles from home wasn't quite as bad as telling Dustin he was glad his parents abused him, but it was a low moment. How will it all work out? We'll find out soon!

“What do you mean Brett has a date to the prom?!?!” I asked a little too loudly after Emily told me the news at lunch. “I’m just telling you what I heard,” Em replied. “He’s signed up for himself and a guest.” “Who’s the guest?” I asked. “I don’t know. It just says him and a guest.” “Hey did you hear Reilly has a date to the prom?” Dustin asked as he sat down next to me with his lunch. “Yeah, you hav

Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the comments and likes. Interesting discussion as always. I will just add a few notes of my own! The diagnosis of Billy isn't the latest challenge for him to conquer. It has been the challenge from chapter one. Billy has always had trouble relating to people and expressing his emotions appropriately. That's nothing new, it's been there all along. This chapter is here to help shed a little light on why that has been the case. Every once in a while, someone would ask me if there is something wrong with Billy because of the way he was acting. I always said no, because I, like Paula, don't see it as something wrong with Billy. it just is. I think we all have those areas of our lives that we don't quite understand. I also didn't want this story to be "the one with the boy with Asperger's who falls in love with the ADHD kid." Hopefully, you just experienced life as this young man has lived, struggling to find his place in the world and just hoping he's one of the normal, ordinary kids, but realizing he's far from ordinary. Regardless of whatever labels we can come up with to explain our behavior, I think for many of us, all we want is to find love and acceptance. As for Brett, give him a while. He's been through a lot and it's hard for him to process it all. When the stress got to be too much for him he reverted into that bratty little asshole we all knew so well earlier in the story. Give him some time to think about things, and he'll find his way. Thanks everybody!

Thanks JeremyMe! Yeah, life is funny. Things have improved IRL, and that's good. Could have been an absolute disaster. And yes, this is version 2.0 of the story. I'm glad you enjoyed it before. Hopefully version 2.0 is even better.

Some thoughts on the latest chapter, so SPOILER ALERT if you haven't read it. And if you haven't read it, go read it! #1 - Brett. We'll find out a bit more in the chapters to come, but it's important to remember that Brett has serious trust issues. He's been lied to his whole life. Once Joey began to put the hint in Brett's head that Billy knew, Brett began to classify Billy as just another one of the liars club. Because Joey 'always tells him the truth' he's built a trust in Joey. Indeed, Joey waited until Brett was already mad at Billy to tell him about what he did to Billy. Joey's no dummy. Like Brett said, at the moment he's just numb. Sometimes he resorts to 'black and white thinking.' Someone is either good or bad in Brett's mind. Liars are bad. Billy was someone who he always had in the good column, but now that status has been challenged because Billy lied to him. He always had his mom and Jack in the bad column, so their lies were no surprise to him. Billy is the one who hurt him because Billy should have been the one who told him the truth. Brett is lost because he really doesn't want to put Billy in the bad column, but Billy's actions have made it hard for him. Brett's number one trigger is when someone believes him to be dumb, or, if he perceives that someone thinks he's stupid. For Brett it's about respect. From Brett's side of things, Billy has been demonstrating with his words and actions that he doesn't respect Brett like he should. (Remember the sex scene a few chapters ago?) Brett's whole Buffalo plan was designed to show Billy that he was no dummy. "You thought I was dumb, but I showed you I'm not." Unfortunately, it spun completely out-of-control (as Brett's schemes so often do) and Brett ended up ditching Billy along the way. Immature? Oh absolutely! In character for Brett Reilly? Of course! Brett has never been a saint. Much of the story is about Brett trying to find a way to get to the good column, when so much of his life people have labeled him as a bad kid. Most of the adults in Brett's life just want to slap him because he's not only hyperactive but he also has a smart mouth. He likes to press people's buttons. He's the kind of kid who dares you to hit him. What made him so attached to George and Paula was that they never labeled him as a bad kid. They treated him like part of their family. Brett never lost faith that Paula would eventually come around when she found out the boys were together. It just hurt him. That's why Brett mentions Billy's grandma, and how he needs to find that part of himself again. In Brett's mind, Helen Cunningham represents the ultimate good, someone who showed him the love and affection he never got at home. (She also reminded him of his own grandparents who cared for him as a baby.) Even with Dustin's presence in the book, Brett may be one of the most neglected children in the story. #2 - Billy. As usual, in Billy's quest to find what he's looking for, he finds something else which turns out to be what he really needed. First of all, you may be wondering, why not just say up front that Billy has Asperger's? Well, if I had done that, then just like Paula said, people would have labeled the story "the one about the kid with Asperger's trying to get with the kid with ADHD." That was not my intention. Like Paula, I prefer not to allow labels to define the characters. My hope was that you'd think, "Okay, that actually makes sense now why Billy acts the way he does." It's not an excuse for why he does things. Oh no no... Not at all. And it's not "just one more challenge for Billy to conquer." He thinks differently, and that is sometimes good and sometimes bad. When he gets stuck and overwhelmed, he shuts down. He punches a mirror, or he tells a kid "at least I have a dad" or he dwells on the death of his father for a year. He lets his appearance get out of control, he lets his room become a pigsty, he doesn't relate to people and thinks they're dumb. He gets obsessed with one boy and forgets he has other friends. He gets lost in thought and doesn't realize someone has hit a baseball right to him. And he absolutely sucks at every sport he tries. Oh, and he also completely misses the fact that the boy he loves loves him too until that boy spells it out for him! I thought about leaving out the reveal entirely. I knew some readers were wondering if there was something wrong with Billy. That was obvious in the comments. It was difficult to not say anything. I just didn't want it to overwhelm the story, which I still fear that the revelation at this very late point in the story may do. I also didn't want to give Billy an 'out' to justify his behavior. Look how much Brett gets away with because of ADHD. Billy still messed up big time. Yes, he was manipulated by two experts, but he still had the option of saying 'no more.' Billy is a bit naïve. He believes what people tell him, even blatant lies. But he's also a pessimist. He always believes the worst result is what will always happen. He truly believed what Jack and Jen were telling him. Like George said, Billy can't tell if people are bluffing. He also expected the worst when Brett finally found out, so he withheld it for as long as possible. #3 - Various Asperger's related things. First of all, I fall in the camp that Asperger's and high functioning autism are two different things. Therefore, I wouldn't say Billy is autistic. He has behaviors that might be described as odd. He's obsessive, he's clumsy, he's brilliant, he has trouble relating to people, and he comes off as arrogant. Those are some of the major traits of Asperger's. Each case is different. No two Aspies are the same. But it's different from autism. Similar, but different. Aspies usually don't have a language delay, but they might use language in strange ways. (Remember Dustin's "to be honest" comments to Billy when he called it 'super-annoying' that Billy kept saying the same thing over and over?) Very few people in Billy's life would look at him and say, "I think he's autistic." He talks way too much. Most of the people around him just write off his odd behavior as just "Billy being Billy." They don't think there's anything wrong with him, they just think he's a dick. They don't realize that some of the things that Billy says or does that make him seem like a dick are caused by the wiring in his brain not quite connecting the same way theirs is connected. Here's an example: Person A walks into a room, waves and says hello to everyone. Person B walks into a room gives a head nod to someone and considers the room acknowledged. You might think person A is nice and person B is a dick, but they both think they accomplished the same thing.

I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to talk to Brett sometime. It was driving me insane to be without him. But every time I saw him he was surrounded by people. Two weeks had passed since that day when everything had fallen apart. I didn’t know where to turn. To my surprise, there was no mention around the school of Joey’s parents breaking up or anything. I thought for sure by then that word would have gotten out that their marriage had fallen apart. Nor was there any news about Brett’s m

Hopefully after next chapter it will make a lot more sense why Billy is the way he is. I hope so. It might just be the most important chapter of the book, and make you re-think everything you thought you knew about Billy. No spoilers!

So I went ahead and published chapter 18 today. It was ready and there was no reason to hold on to it except to keep the usual schedule. Next chapter will fall into the usual spot. After that, we'll see.

Did you know there’s no direct line from Erie to Pittsburgh bus lines on a Friday night? Yeah, I know that now. Just one of many things I learned as I had to find a way home after Brett ditched me in Erie. I spent a few hours in a bus station in Cleveland in the middle of the night as I waited for the connecting bus. That was fun. I had no idea how I was going to get from Pittsburgh back home. I thought about calling mom to come get me, but that was just too embarrassing. In the end, call

Thanks again for the comments everyone. I can't really take the time to answer all of the comments. Check out the forum page if you want the inside scoop to my own fucked-up life. Just know that I've greatly treasured the conversation. There's no right or wrong way to feel about how this chapter all worked out. You can hate Billy, you can still hope there's some good in him, you can think Brett was right or wrong for what he did, it's all awesome. I appreciate the passion!

Written beforehand. I have one more chapter in hand that's done and ready for next week. After that, I have a vision but not the actual typing.

Brett’s mom had a little party for Brett on the Sunday before our big road trip to celebrate his eighteenth birthday properly. It wasn’t a big gathering, but it made Brett happy to see everybody before he returned to school the next day. He ended up with a bunch of names on his cast and his mom bought him a new laptop which meant that I’d be getting his old one. She also got him some Yankees tickets for a three-game series in June at Yankee Stadium against the Pirates, and a hotel room for Br

Thanks folks! Things are going better, and hopefully will stay that way. I got sucked into a world where I didn't want to be and though it was very painful, I needed the confrontation to change my state of mind. I'm in a better place now. Story may be delayed a bit, I guess as I work on more important matters. My wife is an amazing woman. She had every right to tell me it was over if she wanted. She didn't. If she changed her mind, I'd understand. It was like finding out the person you've lived with for over ten years was someone else. If she tells me to end the story, sorry, but that's what I'll do. I want to be well. It's hard enough being one person, not two. Anyway, thanks for the support. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for the comments everyone. I really appreciate it! Things are going well.

Yep. And the end of me too, sort of. Online me anyway.

Sorry for the delay. I need to make a confession. For a long time I have been living a double life, a normal everyday life offline and a secret hidden life online. My regular life was happy and ordinary, I'm happily married and have a beautiful son. My online life is the opposite, full of secrets and lies. I've allowed that side of myself to consume too much of the real me. I've been horribly addicted to pornography, to the point where I can barely function without it taking some part of my time, time which rightly belongs to my wife and son. Yesterday, my worlds collided. My wife found out about everything. I'm glad. I need to become a person of integrity, and being full of secrets has been eating me up, keeping me from being the man I should be. I've invited her to check out this site, where I've spent some portion of time that should have been spent with her. I don't want secrets anymore. I want her to see the conversations I've had here have been rooted in the story, and that I have been true at least in keeping my real life and my online life separated. I feel like such a dick, and please don't try to make me feel better about that. I need the humility that comes from this to propel me into living a more healthful life. And so, I'm going to finish the story, with her permission and completely out in the open, and then I'm going to leave this life behind, hopefully forever. I've made some friends here, and I value that, but I have to do what I have to do. And my wife, being an avid reader, has told me not to leave you all hanging, so we'll at least wrap up WAR before I go. Thanks for understanding.

It always takes me a moment when I wake up in a bed besides my own to get my bearings. I found myself thoroughly tangled with Dustin, who continued to sleep peacefully. Sometime during the night, I’d turned around to face him. His arm was still draped over my body, but now he was using my arm as a pillow. Our legs were intertwined. There would be no way to pull myself away without waking him. And I didn’t really want to either wake him or disengage myself from his body. Yeah, I know I sho

Your WAR preview for the upcoming chapter, Idle Hands, coming tonight: I read the biography aloud, “Graduated from NYU, magna cum laude, December 1986…” “I was reading it as magnum cum loudly,” Brett joked. “That’s what I want on my bio."

Who me? Metaphorical?

Yes you do!

Maybe "villain" is too harsh? I look at him as someone who has lost his moral compass, mainly his father. George was the one who Billy could always go to and get put on the right path. Nobody, not even Brett, understood Billy like his father. Without his dad, Billy seems lost and directionless. He also spent most of the year since his father's death estranged from his mother, who despite her flaws is yet another pillar on which Billy relies for his strength. Would Billy have lied to Brett for two years if George were still in the picture? Possibly, but it's more likely that George would have pried out of Billy what was wrong with him and convinced him to do the right thing even if it was difficult. So, I would say Billy began to drift when his father died. That is the wound that is still open and bleeding, never properly dealt with. Just because he cut his hair and seemed to put himself back together on the outside doesn't mean he's healed. He's still bleeding inside. He's unsure of who he is on his own, and a couple of predators have swooped in and used his insecurities for their own purposes. He's definitely being pulled toward the darkness.

Reading and responding to the comments on the story always gets me thinking. Questions: Has Billy become the villain of the story? When did it happen? Was it accepting the bribe that pushed him over the edge, or did he fall before that? Are you looking forward to his comeuppance? Can he be redeemed?

In a what-if scenario, what if Dustin had grown up in a normal, well-adjusted family? Can you imagine if this sweet little boy had grown up in a family that nurtured and supported him instead of stomping every last bit of hope out of him, to the point where he wanted to end it all? We can survive without food, water, even air for a while, but we cannot live without hope, so someone wise once said. I enjoyed your thoughts on Brett. Designer baggage indeed! As for Billy? Yeah, I'm not quite sure when the heel turn took place, but he's definitely crossed over into full douchebag territory. I do love a redemption story though!

I envisioned the sex scene in this chapter as a picture of where the boys' relationship has gone. (I don't just throw sex in the story, it always has a purpose if it's "on screen.") Billy's still a broken character at this point. Sure he cut his hair and fixed his sugar, but he's still wounded. In particular, his moral compass is broken. Lying has become too easy. In this chapter, he saw Brett as a tool for his release, rather than someone whose feelings mean more to him than his own. Coming on his face was just another way of violating Brett's boundaries.