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rickproehl

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  1. rickproehl
    Nothing like an old fool
     
    yes that is me i was played like one. i did a small holiday cheer sending cards to teens / young adults that had been disowned by there family at Christmas time. At the time it was a good thing. one of the guys reached out and we got to talking. he was a female to male trans gender and had no one to talk to. so we treated each other a mentor / father / son. we talked daily and became friends. things were fine and then i got played. i have made a rule that i will help anyone once. if they repay or return then i will help again. he asked me for some money and i sent him some money. he got the money and was grateful for it. a couple of weeks went by and he asked for more money this was this past weekend. i told him no and then all heck broke loose. he wasn’t pleasant and went straight to down right nasty. words were spoken and things said. i stood firm and still said no.  the amount was not that much. they blocked me before i  could blocked them. 
    so i feel like an old fool trying to help some one out. it’s a shame a small deed can make you feel so bad. 
  2. rickproehl

    Mia - brickwall

    By rickproehl,

    Mia - a bomb has dropped into my life and the pieces are everywhere. i have not heard or spoken to someone very special to me. i last spoke to this person in the rehab center last Friday.he had knee surgery and we made plans for Sunday which was our normal day. Then my world changed went to the rehab Center and no friend / lover no word no message. Damn rules that won’t help me I’m not family. Went out to car and fell apart wondering what happen. Made a few phone calls and again that blasted brick wall. Did all the normal stuff / phone / email / went by his house nothing no reply no contact.  nothing answered - no messages - no social contacts and this silence is killing me. Trying to move forward but my heart won’t let me.  My head tells me it’s ok he will Call or message me .. still waiting and that is killing me. Working on the things i can change but that only last only so long. I dread that time after midnight when those voices and doubts come to mind. With the what if’s? The why? The self doubt and this is just as bad as the not knowing. My place is to be there for him but i’m not and this is killing me. 
    All i ask for  is a message ? a call an email so many simple things we all take for granted. That one small deed would break this brick wall. So if you have a special someone hug them tell them you love them. You just never know.
     
    added Sunday -
    how do you fight silence? 
     
    Update Tuesday 
      came across this quote: “Listen and silent are spelled with the same letters. Think about that” nothing happens in your life without a reason or a life lesson. So taking this to heart. Letting go of the unknown and staying focus on the task at hand
    update Wednesday 
    Good News - the brick wall has   been destroyed Steve is home now and we are having supper. When he was moved  his phone book was lost and that is the reason he didn’t call. We have spoken and we are stronger than before. Just wanted to update everyone. 
  3. rickproehl

    Happy New Year 2020

    By rickproehl,

    Happy New Year 
    Make New Year's goals. Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year. This helps you do your part. It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come. 
    Goals give us direction. They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level. Goals give our life direction.
    What would you like to have happen in your life this year? What would you like to do, to accomplish? What good would you like to attract into your life? What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you? What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?
    What would you like to attain? Little things and big things? Where would you like to go? What would you like to have happen in friendship and love? What would you like to have happen in your family life?
    What problems would you like to see solved? What decisions would you like to make? What would you like to happen in your career?
    Write it down. Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose. Then let it go. 
    The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written. We can help write that story by setting goals.
    Melody Beattie
  5. rickproehl
    Today’s Reflection - i’m sorry
    i have failed and found myself in a dark place. i said and did stupid things of which i’m ashamed. when i hit rock bottom it finally hit me. i should be on top of the world but inside i was hurting. past demons came to live in my head again. your not good enough - you will never amount to anything and the scary one was you would be better off dead.  i went through the day to day never caring of what happen. my daily life was getting harder and harder.  i then knew i could not do this alone. so i asked and got some help. to some that may meaning nothing but for me it is what is saving my life. The first think we are working on is we need to let go of past mistakes and move on. The hardest thing is to forgive myself first but i need to let things go. 
    This is the reason for this message I want to tell everyone if I hurt you or said unkind things “ i’m sorry “ 
    My actions at that time are no excuse for bad behavior. 
    With the help of a good shrink we will get past this. 
    This is also my wish for those i have hurt that we can also get past this.
    rick
  6. rickproehl

    Confession

    By rickproehl,

    Confession 
    When i started this journey of discovery i had a lot of help from a lot of Great Sirs. They answered all of my questions and gave me a lot of things to think about. i had a bad experience and learned from it. 
    I then met my  current boyfriend he has open my eyes to a lot of new experiences. (i have been given permission to share this) we are both older over 65. We have a good time together. Our first meeting was 7 hours just sitting and talking on his deck. We then have been on a few dates, usually dates movies, dinner and a play. We do have a great relationship. This may not be the standard D/s relationship but this works for us. Ours roles are fluid and we both enjoy this. 
    i went into this thinking one way but life throws a curve ball and it was a hit. The main thing is we talk to each other and we are honest. 
    So the confession is that everything is not set in stone. You need to be open to new experiences. What works for some relationships might not work for you. Never pigeon hole your thinking and think that everything is black or white there is a lot of fun in the grey area
  7. rickproehl
    Today is not a good day - update 10/7/19
    I have a questions for you Guys and Gals how many of you Check for lumps? 
    Let’s have a show of hands? 
    Hum not many why? 
    Don’t think it can happen to you? 
    I thought that till today. I found a lump in my right breast, Yes, I’m a guy and Yes we do get them. I’m concerned about this, who wouldn’t be. Everyone thinks the Big Cancer. Now the waiting and the worrying begins. Can’t get into the Doctors till Monday. I so wish you could turn off negative thoughts. I would so love that off button right now. Trying to stay positive and take it one day at a time. 
    So Guys and Gals take the time feel for lumps. 
    Don’t be ashamed. 
    Guys do it for yourself. 
    Do it for the people you love. 
    Do it for your partners
    Here is a web site to educate yourself.
     
    Male Self Exam
    Update 10/4/19
    I’m scared guys and gals - I found a 2nd mass on left side bigger than the other one. Can Monday come any faster.
    Update 10/7/19
    The doctor visit went as I thought it would. I have more testing on next Tuesday a mammogram and a ultrasound both on same day. 
  8. rickproehl

    Coming out

    By rickproehl,

    Coming Out is a personal journey for everyone. I wanted to share this. I also want to thank tim for his editing help. Thanks tim. I’m sure being around a lot of Great Writers in GA has caused this blog. 
     
    Coming out 
    The closet was my home,
    it never judged me
    The closet hid my loneliness
    and was my refuge
    The closet was my family
    and my friend
    The closet made me safe
    it kept my secret
    The closet knew I was Gay
     
    One day it said it’s time to open up this door.
    “Live your life with no regrets”
    The closet said, “Those that care don’t matter and those that matter don’t care”
    “I’ll always be here you will never be alone," the closet said.
    “I'll be proud of you, until the end!
     
    The closet had been my refuge; keeper of my secrets
    It had always been my friend.
     
    I also wanted to thank a few people in DiC for being there for me. @MacGreg @MichaelS36 @Mikiesboy (Big thanks)
  9. rickproehl
    Push, twist, pull it seems so simple 
    we all do this everyday 
    I open bottles all the time except 
    when it meant the most I failed 
    I had a date circled on the calendar it was 33 years ago it was both my birthday and the day I planned to escape my pain. I didn’t have anyone to support me my father and mother both hated me. I was there but I wasn’t there if they spoke it was to tell me I had did something wrong or I was not important. They always demand I did things for them. Cut grass / run errands. I’m the one that would clean the place for a party but never got invited to it. 
    When I looked in the mirror I didn’t like that person he was Gay - ugly - overweight - I was told over and over I was no good a loser so how could I be anything better. I felt alone in a room full of people. I hated my life - I hate me - I wanted it to end.
    I started small a pill here a pill there and they added up I thought I had enough to finally ease my pain. 
    The note only said “I’m sorry I disappointed you” that was it nothing more or less. What could I say at that time I felt like I had let everyone down. 
    I was ready I woke up on my birthday- no card or cake. I’m an adult it was ok I was full of pain it really didn’t matter after today.
    I told my parents I was going to a party, yes a party of one. I drove my car out to a nature preserve I love it there it was so peaceful and calm. I turn on my radio and found some music to listen to as I drift off from my pain. I watch the sunset and thought this  was a good day. It was time -
    Push, twist, pull it seems so simple all I had to do was open that bottle. I tried with all my might the cap would not budge no matter how hard I tried. Push, twist, pull it seems so simple my hands were shaking and I was getting upset. I had 1 damn job to do and I couldn’t Push, twist, pull and in my rage I took the bottle and thru it out the car window and would you know it busted open all over the ground. I sat there and cried and cried. I stayed there all night and I look in my rear view mirror and in that moment I knew I need help. 
    I spent 5 years with a Doctor on my problems. I’m finally had to have a talk with my parents before they died. We cleared some air and things got better. I am now ok with my self I have lost the weight and I finally came out of the closet at work and the people I hadn’t told before. 
    So I sit here thanking my lucky stars that some one, some how I never open that bottle. I have kept this part of my life private and locked away so deep. I didn’t want anyone’s pity I felt so ashamed. I know now I have nothing to be ashamed of. 
    I didn’t keep the note, I didn’t need it, I burned it the fireplace until it was gone. Those words still haunt me in those times of darkness. I know have thoughts of encouragement and hope so it does get better. 
    So please if you are reading this and you find yourself in the situation I was in ask for help. There are people that won’t judge you for anything you have done. So it does get better believe me. 
    I have come to thinking that “why take a permanent solution for a temporary problem”. 
    Why now you asked I feel it’s time.
    rick
     
     
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