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Push, twist, pull it seem so simple


Push, twist, pull it seems so simple 

we all do this everyday 

I open bottles all the time except 

when it meant the most I failed 

I had a date circled on the calendar it was 33 years ago it was both my birthday and the day I planned to escape my pain. I didn’t have anyone to support me my father and mother both hated me. I was there but I wasn’t there if they spoke it was to tell me I had did something wrong or I was not important. They always demand I did things for them. Cut grass / run errands. I’m the one that would clean the place for a party but never got invited to it. 

When I looked in the mirror I didn’t like that person he was Gay - ugly - overweight - I was told over and over I was no good a loser so how could I be anything better. I felt alone in a room full of people. I hated my life - I hate me - I wanted it to end.

I started small a pill here a pill there and they added up I thought I had enough to finally ease my pain. 

The note only said “I’m sorry I disappointed you” that was it nothing more or less. What could I say at that time I felt like I had let everyone down. 

I was ready I woke up on my birthday- no card or cake. I’m an adult it was ok I was full of pain it really didn’t matter after today.

I told my parents I was going to a party, yes a party of one. I drove my car out to a nature preserve I love it there it was so peaceful and calm. I turn on my radio and found some music to listen to as I drift off from my pain. I watch the sunset and thought this  was a good day. It was time -

Push, twist, pull it seems so simple all I had to do was open that bottle. I tried with all my might the cap would not budge no matter how hard I tried. Push, twist, pull it seems so simple my hands were shaking and I was getting upset. I had 1 damn job to do and I couldn’t Push, twist, pull and in my rage I took the bottle and thru it out the car window and would you know it busted open all over the ground. I sat there and cried and cried. I stayed there all night and I look in my rear view mirror and in that moment I knew I need help. 

I spent 5 years with a Doctor on my problems. I’m finally had to have a talk with my parents before they died. We cleared some air and things got better. I am now ok with my self I have lost the weight and I finally came out of the closet at work and the people I hadn’t told before. 

So I sit here thanking my lucky stars that some one, some how I never open that bottle. I have kept this part of my life private and locked away so deep. I didn’t want anyone’s pity I felt so ashamed. I know now I have nothing to be ashamed of. 

I didn’t keep the note, I didn’t need it, I burned it the fireplace until it was gone. Those words still haunt me in those times of darkness. I know have thoughts of encouragement and hope so it does get better. 

So please if you are reading this and you find yourself in the situation I was in ask for help. There are people that won’t judge you for anything you have done. So it does get better believe me. 

I have come to thinking that “why take a permanent solution for a temporary problem”. 

Why now you asked I feel it’s time.

rick

 

 

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14 Comments


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mollyhousemouse

Posted

rick -- whatever caused you not to be able to open that bottle i'm grateful for. so happy for you that you've been able to take these steps into a new, brighter life. we're all here for whatever support we can provide

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Reader1810

Posted

I second what everyone who came before me said, and add my own, I am glad you are here, my friend. :hug: 

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rickproehl

Posted

2 hours ago, mollyhousemouse said:

rick -- whatever caused you not to be able to open that bottle i'm grateful for. so happy for you that you've been able to take these steps into a new, brighter life. we're all here for whatever support we can provide

molly

i don’t know why I wasn’t able to open that bottle but I’m so glad. I love everyone in DiC and they all have helped me so much. Thank you you for your support and help. It means a lot to me.

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rickproehl

Posted

2 hours ago, Reader1810 said:

I second what everyone who came before me said, and add my own, I am glad you are here, my friend. :hug: 

Reader

thank you - I really have a lot of great friends i. DiC chat and I’m glad you are one of them.

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Fae Briona

Posted

I'm glad something stopped you from opening the bottle. :hug:

I wish I'd found a place like this when I was younger as well - it would have made some things easier.

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rickproehl

Posted

5 minutes ago, Fae Briona said:

I'm glad something stopped you from opening the bottle. :hug:

I wish I'd found a place like this when I was younger as well - it would have made some things easier.

Fae

i thank someone stopped me that night. I also thank someone i found this place. It has made the biggest impact on my life all good.

yes I know that night was a very dark night for me but it made me face some things I needed    To fix and for me I had to go thru that to get to where I am today. Yes I’m still a work in progress but I’m alive. Which is so good 

  • Like 4
MichaelS36

Posted

Like others have said, we are glad you are here. 

We have one life.. you hid long enough. Now you're out .. enjoy it rick. Make it the best life you can. 

M.

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rickproehl

Posted

Just now, MichaelS36 said:

Like others have said, we are glad you are here. 

We have one life.. you hid long enough. Now you're out .. enjoy it rick. Make it the best life you can. 

M.

Michael Sir

Yes it was a dark time in my life but I had to go thru that to get to what I am today. I value your guidance and your friendship. I was meant to find DiC Chat. 

Yes I'm finally living.

Michael Sir Thank You 

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