Sebastian Bauer
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Everything posted by Sebastian Bauer
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4.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing my love…? I had a dream last night, I saw you walking down the streets in Wimbledon. I was waiting for you at the Starbucks. You came in and we kissed. We drank lots of hot chocolate and we laughed. We laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt. It was golden. It was magical. I felt how love embraced us again and held us tight. I woke up here so confused. It was 5 in the morning and when I saw the broken sink and scratched tiny mirror I got my reminde
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30.09.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? How is your chemo going? I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she told me that the doctors were now looking for the donor for your bone marrow transplant… Oh God, I hope they will find that person soon. It was so good to hear your voice the other day we spoke… even though it was one of the most painful experience I had to ever endure…. I just couldn’t believe you told me, that before I leave the prison you might be already married to some
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24.09.2015 Dear C, I am in a new prison. They moved me to a category C establishment. It looks much better than Belmarsh. There are plants and flowers growing all around the yard! Can you believe it? Other prisoners seem to be much calmer too. There are a lot of older guys here, which is a blessing for me I guess. I don’t want violence anymore. The day the moved me here was Friday, 18th of September. In the morning one of the guards shouted my name through the door and said to p
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16.09.2015 Dear C, I am not coping well. I never thought my eyes were capable of producing so many tears. Can a human being actually cry that much? God - if he exists - is laughing at me now. His twisted ways...I begged him to save you if I go to prison. And what happened? I'm here and you left me. The injustice that I feel is overwhelming. I have no more words. I only know that I love you. Forever Yours Sebastian
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13.09.2015 Dear C, I just wanted to tell you that I suffer so much without you. It hurts so bad that I cannot tell the difference between the pain anymore. My heart is dead inside, but somehow I am still alive. I still walk around this cell, but inside of me - there is fire, fire that consumes me deeper and deeper each and every second. I don’t even know what is real anymore. Or am I actually dead? Have they actually beaten me so hard here that I eventually died…? Or did I succeed a
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11.09.2015 Dear C, It’s 4.12 in the morning and I have just woken up here. I think I must have slept since my last letter. I know they brought me some food here, but I can’t remember eating it. I have noticed some documents they gave me to read and sign, but I had no energy to go through them yet. C, I never wanted to tell you about this, but now as you don't care about me anymore - I can write. I was raped. It happened to me on the 21st of August...It was the day they moved
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09.09.2015 Dear C, I thought I would never write to you again, but I love you too much not to. I wish I could tell you not to leave me, not to treat me this way, not to hurt me this way - but I can’t. In all this, I need to remember that your health is the most important. That anything else doesn’t really matter anymore. Now when I mean so little to you – it will be easier for me to go – if ever someone here decides to abuse or hurt me again. I don’t need to be so fucking despera
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AC Benus, thank you very much...
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Dear AC Benus, I truly appreciate your active feedback. The place I was sent too was very raw, very brutal. Many things you may wonder about now will be explained throughout all of my letters. My story is a journey - from dark to light. That's all I can say at this point. Thank you and kind regards. S.B.
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AC Benus... it’s very true what you have put in your comment. I was a scapegoat there, an easy target in the world of violence, brutality and pure aggression and hatred. Thank you for understanding. S.B.
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Thank you AC Benus, I appreciate your feedback. Kindest regards - S.B.
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12.09.2015 Dear C, I think this is my last letter to you. After all that has happened I see no point writing. No point hoping. No point living. I have tried to go but I didn’t succeed. I am a failure on all levels. You have all the rights to feel angry and I wish I had told you about Roland before, but I was a fucking coward. I was scared that I would lose you. Everything fell apart. EVERYTHING. I have very little energy to write. I am locked up in an observation cell wit
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19.08.2015 Dear C, How is my gorgeous guy doing today? How are you dealing with your chemo? They have finally registered Kasia’s number – I spoke to her on the phone 2 days ago. It was a very short, but emotional conversation. I have no credit to call - only the "starter" money, which is 3 pounds they give to everybody. I cried and so did she… She didn’t really know what to ask me about, I didn’t really know what to say… How was I supposed to tell her how bad things are actually her
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16.08.2015 Dear C, It's been over a week since my last letter to you. I still cannot believe, that I haven’t seen you in 20 days now. I miss you so much baby… A few days ago, I received a letter from Kasia. I started to cry like a baby, when I realised it was her hand writing. She told me, that she came to see you, that you have finished your second chemo cycle, that you’ve been missing me. That you are okish, and that you are lonely without me… She told me, that she has moved i
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Hello Quokka, I will publish more often, at the moment I am publishing a bit more in order to catch up with my regular website - there, I publish my letters in a more visual way. I'd like to be synced with my website and here. But yes, I will speed up soon - it is just quite difficult for me to re-live all these moments, while I am re-typing... But I promise I will publish more often 🙂 Thank you S.B.
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Hello BerryRedBear, Thank you for your comments, I appreciate them. Unfortunately - it isn't fiction, it was all very real. These letters I have published so far are just the beginning of it all, but eventually, I will leave the darkness behind (sort of)... Yes, my letters are raw - I just retype them as they were written then. It would be unfair to "polish" them - even in terms of my language skills - I am who I am and this is how I wrote them. Thank you for reading - I hope you will stick with me till letter number 300... Regards S.B.
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08.08.2015 Dear C, How is my boy doing? I am going crazy here with no updates about your health… None of the telephone numbers has been registered yet. I asked one of the guards about it and he told me that it wasn’t his problem. I asked him to give me another form to fill in and his answer was: “I’m busy”. I will try tomorrow with someone else. We were locked up for 2 days non-stop. I don’t know why, but in a way, it was better for me. No one could harm me here. People were sh
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5.08.2015 Dear C, How are you baby…? How is chemo going? God, I am so sorry, that you are suffering there without me… It’s such a stupid question – “how is chemo going” – I know how horrible it is… Do you get visits from your mum? Has Kasia visited you yet? Or Lisa?I’m not feeling too well at the moment. My back still hurts after they pushed me from the stairs. And the bed I’m sleeping on has a very thin mattress – so all these metal bars are piercing through my body at night. I
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3.08.2015 Dear C, How are you my love? How is your chemo going? I hope you are ok… Last night I dreamt of being next to you in a hospital, I held your hand. You smiled at me and told me, that everything would be alright. When I woke up I couldn’t stop crying. I’m just missing you so fucking much… I just don’t know what to do without you… But I know I have to be strong for you. For us. Each morning when I wake up, I just cannot believe that I am here… I just don’t know why we bot
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Yes, I am thinking the same - I might start posting them more frequently. And thank you for the feedback - much appreciated :-)
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Hello Rupert, Yes, I know - I might eventually start posting them more often... Same with my website - I post one each Sunday. It's quite hard for me to re-type them - I never read them back, it brings me back to those dark moments, but I think this is how I decided to deal with the past. Once a letter is out there - that chapter is closed for me. Not sure if that makes sense, but to me, it feels right. Kind regards, Sebastian
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Dear C, I don't even know where to start... Words cannot express how much I miss you and how worried I am about you... Please try not worry about me, I'm going to be ok - I promise! I have to. Knowing that you are there for me gives me all the strength I need to carry on here. All we must do is to focus on your health and your recovery baby. You must stay positive, you must beat that cancer. Look, you are just about to complete your second chemo cycle...
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DrP - thank you so very much! And I am now looking forward to sharing my letters with you guys :-)
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The day I kissed you for the very last time, was the first day of my dying heart... That afternoon was really hot and sunny. July definitely didn't disappoint. London felt like a hot bubble, that was just about to burst. I was on my way to Guy's Hospital in the city centre. The tube was like an oven. I was having a massive headache, but luckily the journey from the court to the hospital wasn't too long. Today, however, it seemed like forever. I was thirsty and emotio
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300 Letters 27 Months 0 Stamps This is a collection of 300 letters which I have written to someone I'm going to call C. They were written in a tiny prison cell, where I had to spend the longest 27 months of my life. These letters have never made it to the post office, they are here with me today - in my little, green folder. When eventually I wrote the very last one, I realised how brutally honest I had been all the way through. These letters tell the story of th
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