Sebastian Bauer
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Everything posted by Sebastian Bauer
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23 February 2106 Dear C, Today I have received documents back with your visit being registered. It took them 4 days to do so - not that long when it comes to prison.I will write to you with all the info. It's weird - I haven't sent you any letter for almost 5 months now, yet I have written more than 50. This is gonna be a short letter. I will attach all the papers and I will ask you why do you really want to visit me. My brain is trying to protect me from harm and I don't want more
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19 February 2016 Dear C, How can one sentence make someone so upset??? I received an email from you (3rd one in total) and it consists of one line: to put you on a visitors list. No 'hello', no 'how are you' no nothing. It made me so upset that Jose had to call DJ to my cell to calm me down. How stupid I am? My stupidity is like a fucking endless river! DJ sat on my bed and tried to explain things to me, but I was just crying there. He told me that I should allow myself to
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16 February 2016 Dear C, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK. I am telling this to myself all the time not to go fucking crazy. How am I going to go through this shit? For almost next 2 years??? Why me? I wasn't planning on writing this to you because I'm not in a right place now, but maybe it will help if I do.I know that regardless all of this the world keeps turning. All the waves at sea, all the future prophecies and all the stars without a name. And all will turn into dust.I so
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10 February 2016 Dear C, How is everything there? It's late at night now and I can't sleep. My cell is freezing cold. I managed to fix myself a second blanket - even though it's full of holes it gives me some cover at night. I met my case supervisor today - Andrew. I was called to some office and he introduced me to my case manager Victoria. It was done over the speaker phone. Andrew is a very nice guy, I told him about you and he was sympathetic - maybe it's his job, I don'
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4 February 2016 Dear C, Today is International Cancer Day. Never paid much attention to it, but now I do. Once you or your loved ones have been touched by this fucking disease, your life is never the same. Words cannot express how happy I am knowing that you are cancer free now. And I ask whoever is out there to keep you healthy. I am sure you will stay like that till you are very, very old with grey hair and your loved one by your side. I still remember
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2 February 2016 Dear C, How are you doing baby? I don't even know why I just called you that. I think I'm used to calling you that name. I need to get it out of my system. It is no longer relevant.I hope you are being looked after there. There is not much going on here. I wake up, I eat, I brush my teeth, I go to courses, I come back and I stay in my cell. I do paint a lot in my cell though. My wallboard is now covered with trees. They are so colourful. The colours j
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28 January 2016 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope it's all coming better now. I wonder if the hair on your head started to grow? I still remember how you put your knee in front of the iPad's camera when we were chatting to my mum so she would think it was your bold head. It brings a smile to my face. Did you start to go out yet? It must be getting really boring for you just to stay at home. Or is it still too early and you are too weak to go out? Tomorrow will mark half a year s
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22 January 2016 Dear C, It has been raining all day. It's Friday and the afternoon exercise was cancelled earlier today. I only got a chance to speak briefly to Geoff - my American friend. He was extremely excited as his partner Robert was coming to see him this weekend on both days. I was very pleased to hear all about it, as Geoff was just booming with joy. Geoff was very heart broken when his boyfriend decided to leave him, but it seems like they are back together now. See
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19 January 2016 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope you are keeping yourself warm? I saw on TV today that temperatures dropped to 1 degree in London today. I don't know if you are allowed to be going outside yet, but if you do - wrap up warm! I would like to tell you about the dream I had last night. It was extremely surreal, yet it felt very real at the same time. When I woke up in the morning it took me some time to digest the whole thing.I dream that you, me my and your mum we
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14 January 2016 Dear C, It seems like winter has arrived in full. This morning we got here first snow - not much, just some on the ground. The place looked so peaceful. The gym session was cancelled this morning due to the arrival of some new equipment. I mean it's not new, it's recycled. I don't think prison would spend money to buy a piece of brand new gym equipment. Anyway, today I was all day in my cell. Luckily my art materials arrived! After almost 2 months of wait
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11 January 2016 Dear C, Wow... David Bowie died. I know it's random, but he was a kind of a legend. I was never a big fan, but I know of his music. "China Girl" is a song I remember from my childhood. You know I still cannot listen to the music. Most of the songs on the radio remind me of the past. It's something I thought it would never happen - after all music is my remedy for all the sorrows. But not anymore. I hope it will pass one day. Yesterday someone was playing s
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10 January 2016 Dear C, That was a crazy weekend C. Lucia came to visit me today. When they called my name to the visiting hall, she was already sitting there. When she saw me she started to cry. It broke my heart. I was trying so, so hard not to cry, but it didn't work. Seeing her cry was too emotional, especially knowing that she is a tough cookie and doesn't cry. But it was also so good to see her again. Oh my...! We talked about many things: work, people fr
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9 January 2016 Dear C, How are you? I hope you're getting better. It's hard not knowing whether you are ok or not. My mum gives me some updates according to your Facebook statuses, but I still feel it's not enough for me. Last night I was listening to prison radio on TV and there was 1 hr special where they played greetings and wishes to prisoners across the UK from their friends, families and loved ones. Sometimes they were voices recorded by the people and someti
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4 January 2019 Dear C, I miss you...I have been missing you so much. The last few days were tough. I miss your company. I miss the way you used to kiss me when you came home. Your lips looked funny when you were reaching out for my lips. I miss looking into your eyes, I miss your hair and the way I used to smell it at night. I miss the way you used to say 'Good morning' and 'How are you' in Polish. I miss cooking you breakfasts when we were both off work. I miss s
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2.01.2016 Dear C, Happy New Year to you. I wish it would be much better for us both. How did you get to spend it? Did you go out at all? I don't even know whether you are strong enough yet to be leaving the house. If you didn't party anywhere I hope that at least you had a good time. Well, I didn't go out at all hahaha...! I am laughing now, but I wasn't laughing when the midnight hour stroke on New Year's Eve. I silently wished you and my loved ones a happy new year
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27.12.2015 Dear C, So Here I am - officially 40 from yesterday. David surprised me yesterday - the moments the guard unlocked my cell, David jumped in singing happy birthday! It was so embarrassing! I was half asleep and not really sure what was going on. He gave me a birthday card and a lot of people signed it wishing me a good day... It was bizarre but nice at the same time. Then throughout the day, I had people coming to my cell wishing me a happy birthday... Weird. To
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25.12.2015 Dear C, This is just a short letter. To wish you a happy Christmas. I thought I wouldn't write today, but I had to.I hope you are fine. Fine and safe. And happy.I hope you are feeling good and you are recovering fast. I spent most of my time today alone in my cell. At some point, I took your belt out of my pillow and placed it on the chair in front of me. So it felt like we spent Christmas Day together. How silly of me...! But it did make me feel closer to you
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24.12.2015 Dear C, Merry Christmas baby! Well, it's only Xmas Eve today, but you know that in Poland this is the day. We have been locked up for the night earlier today - at 3 pm. I bet the staff wanted to go home earlier, good for them. I spoke to my mum today, she cried a bit, but I managed to divert the conversation and landed in a happier place. I was nearly in tears myself, but I am so tired of crying. It's been so much of it that my eyes literally hurt. I
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21.12.2015 Dear C, What a fantastic news!!! I mean my heart sings with joy today! I spoke to my mum and she has confirmed that you are spending Christmas at home! I am so fucking happy! Best Xmas present. ☺️ And not only this! She told me that doctors also confirmed that you are free of cancer now! OMG! Bone marrow transplant went well and you are fine... Even now, when I'm writing these words I am welling up... David was very pleased when I told him abo
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18.12.2015 Dear C, How are you doing C? I have been having that awful feeling lately that you have been suffering a lot in hospital. I hope I am totally wrong, but this feeling is just in me. Christmas is on the way now and I really hope you will get to spend it at home with your family. I wonder if Sarah comes to visit you? And your other friends too...? God has a sick, sick sense of humour. I hope we provided good entertainment. I remember saying to myself the d
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12.12.2015 Dear C, I just had a second visit from my mum. Oh babe, it was tough. My mum couldn’t stop crying when she saw me. I didn’t cry. My antidepressants kicked in so hard that I wasn’t much aware of what was going on around me. Around an hour before the visit my hands started to shake so much again that I couldn’t even hold my coffee mug. Luckily I managed to turned the entire visit into more positive experience. Eventually, we even laughed and joked. They boug
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12.12.2015 Dear C, I hope you are ok. I just had a visit from my mum and Kasia. It was extremely emotional. Extremely. I managed to keep my shit together. Well, almost. My mum was crying the moment she saw me, she just couldn’t stop. I was so close to burst into tears too, but I managed to keep it together. But on the inside – I was broken. I tried my hardest to turn this visit into something positive, as much as such visit can be a positive experience… I don’t want
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11.12.2015 Dear C, I am pretty nervous about my mum’s visit tomorrow. I just don’t wanna have a total meltdown in front of her. I so need to be strong for her and pretend that I am ok. I have taken a double dose of anti-depressants today and I have been pretty much unconscious the whole day. I hope I will stay kinda numb like this for the whole weekend – I have another visit from mum the day after tomorrow too. David came to see me today, but I was unable to speak much as the p
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9.12.2015 Dear C, This is my 38th letter to you and the number 38 has been good to me. I have been seeing it around me from time to time and each time I see it I feel at peace. I have no idea why, but it is the fact. And even now, when I am writing this 38th letter to you – I feel weirdly calm. Nights are becoming my nightmares here. I visited my beach again. I was there alone and it was very cold. Again, I was floating in the air just above the sand,
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3.12.2015 Dear C, How is everything? How are you feeling? I wonder if you can sense it that you are in my mind all the time. I wonder if there is this connection between us still… My day was alright. It’s Thursday today and it’s the laundry day. Each landing has a separate day assigned for their laundry – as I am on landing 4 our day is Thursday. There are 2 guys on the wing who work in the laundry room and they look after prisoners’ dirty wash. Obviously, if you pay them
