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  1. amicusets

    Chapter 3

    Okay, this story has been around quite some time, but now, sadly, the drugged assault has become a cliche in gay literature. This was handled well, though, and not sensationalized. It is also gratifying there is SO much more to this story...
  2. 2.5* but I rounded up. Like most any piece of writing, Paper Walls has its strengths and its weaknesses. The strength that carried me through all 25 "chapters" lay in the natural talent of the author. He has a nice way with words and that is not something that can be said for everyone. Paper Walls is an easy read that is mostly enjoyable. It's the type of work one looks for when home sick-- something that can help an otherwise gloom mood, and by being mostly light and airy, it doesn't get too mired in the darker aspects of the human psyche. The weaknesses, though, are plentiful and apparent. The greatest being the desultory or unmoored story, itself. Having read the whole work, I am still unsure what the tale was really about. Timelines were arbitrary, characters were mercurial and capricious, and facts established were not rooted in terra firma. The story appears to have been developed on the fly with no forethought by the author of the story that he wished to convey or how it would end. Characters appear toward the end that have no real connection to the preceding work and barely alter the course of ending while previously important characters vanish in the middle under the most reasonable explanation of ANY of the characters throughout the story. The inordinate tragedies affecting this group of teenagers would be overwhelming, but luckily, the author chooses to not dwell of the horrific events that have affected them-- but that only begs the question as to why one would then include them since they play very little if any role in the story except to minimally cause "drama"? The writer had some nice characters and had he worked through the details and storyline with a thoughtful eye and ear toward editing really delivered it into the end zone, but sadly, the story becomes lost and his attempt at a 'Hail Mary' fails to deliver. I suspect that Paper Walls is the first attempt by the author of such an undertaking. He should be commended for his effort. I suspect, if he focuses, his future works will hit the mark. He has ability.
  3. amicusets

    Chapter 18

    Just pointing out an error in your fact pattern. Perhaps, had you, @KD_stories, rationally considered any of my comments instead of immediately flying off the emotional handle, you might have considered how your writing could be better. None of my comments have been rude or personally attacking you or your story. It appears you only want people to blow smoke up your bum and tell you how wonderful and perfect you are. However, nobody is perfect and we can all learn to be better if we choose to be open to the possibility that carefully considering opinions and statements of fact that differ from our own may not only have merit but may inform us. BTW, pointing out a factual error isn't criticism, it's the opportunity to edit your work to fix such errors.
  4. amicusets

    Chapter 23

    The event preceding the anxiety attack caused by Renee's aggressive behavior was a lack of anything to eat in the house, but somehow, as if by magic, immediately after Ryder has calmed down there are ingredients for a grilled ham and cheese and Gatorade in the house? Timelines and fact patterns are a key component of storytelling. It helps establish the ability of the reader to "trust" the writer and the world the reader has entered. It allows them to "believe" the world and the characters. When such discrepancies occur it can be jarring for the reader and lessens the impact that the work would have otherwise...
  5. amicusets

    Chapter 18

    You can't ride bitch on a 2016 Yamaha Star bolt C-spec...
  6. amicusets

    Chapter 14

    Such a strange timeline with so many about faces from previous facts. I wonder if the author is a fan of J.M.E. McTaggart's The Unreality of Time?
  7. amicusets

    Chapter 13

    So, they kiss and get erections and "immediately after" Ryder suddenly decides he doesn't feel anything? When just 15 seconds prior he was saying how he "like(s) how nice" Ryder is? Yeah, that will cause whiplash for the reader...
  8. amicusets

    Chapter 11

    Bubblegum, cotton candy, and rainbows all wrapped up in one chapter! Seriously, though, sometimes you need that kind of sugar to help swallow the bitters. However, if a team is down by one touchdown, they aren't "barely winning," they aren't winning at all-- they are, in fact, losing.
  9. amicusets

    Chapter 3

    I wish someone could tell me who started this fad of writing where the narrator flips between different points of view! That way I could travel back in time and annihilate the bastard!
  10. amicusets

    Chapter 1

    I hate to be "that guy," but if Ryder is Russian how was he "bred" for football? Or, if he was born with a football in his hand, how does he know how to speak Russian? And what does any of that have to do with basics of the story? They are completely extraneous.
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