NDrewRndll

Okay, I might have to come back to this later because sleep must have decided it was optional last night and I may or may not be feeling a tad delirious as a result. Buuut... I might be going crazy here, probably, but... do we know Ryder's last name? More importantly, does Owen know Ryder's last name? He doesn't, does he? Like, look, I know I've spent a good chunk of my time lowkey glazing Ryder, and I stand by it, no switch up here. But Owen doesn't know his last name. He doesn't. That's a fact, I think. He doesn't know his last name... but he might be moving in with him to Youngstown, to attend a different college from the one his parents paid for, to study something entirely different, hours away from the person he's been planning to "escape" with, and blowing up his whole life in the process. Like, Gaawwd, I want Owen to do it, because Ryder is so right; Owen is so happy, so him when he's with his Seahorses, and they love him, and he loves them, and it fits him, and it's just such a bright part of his life right now that I cannot imagine him doing anything else, let alone funeral-freaking-science. But there is so, so, so much that could go wrong. I can appreciate Ryder's intentions, really, but this is just too big too quickly, and it's barely been two weeks since they met on a dating app, and now they're gonna scramble to build a future together out of good intentions and wishful thinking, I guess, and all I can think about is Owen doesn't know Ryder's last name! He doesn't! And God knows I shouldn't be thinking about Margot, and I can barely care about the fact that she's blowing up his phone right now. But if Owen goes through with this, it's not just his life he's blowing up; it's hers, too. And I feel like I shouldn't even be asking this, but is that really fair? And Ryder has all but decided all of this already, by himself, expecting Owen to more or less agree to sacrifice his entire life to be with him. But he hasn't told him his last name yet. I mean, at this point it's not just a red flag--it's a whole parade of them. So maybe he should start with that, telling Owen his last name, and then he should work on proving to Owen that he's worth throwing his life away for before he does. Just saying.

Hehehehe, that was amazing. I seriously can't stop smiling after that. I don't even give a damn about anything Margot said about Ryder. She acted exactly how I'd expected, treating Ryder's presence as an emergency to quell; and Ryder reacted accordingly, pushing back at her every attempt to quell him. What I care about is that Owen didn't listen to her either. He didn't let himself be taken over by the obvious panic Ryder being there triggered in Margot--and in him, let's be fair. He chose possibility over safety, and honestly, I couldn't be happier about that, because it's a choice Owen actually made for himself and not anyone else, and that's the one thing I've wanted him to do since the start of this story. And sure, it was insanely reckless, and Ryder all but railing into the very fences Owen has set up around himself to keep his life from blowing up should scare him shitless. There's a conversation to be had about that; about Ryder's brazen disregard and disrespect for Owen's boundaries. But to his credit he had enough self-awareness to choose to walk away before crossing a line and doing any real damage. He's not just coming in like a wrecking ball. lol. Plus now we know something about him. Ryder has a past, a record. That, in my opinion, is nothing to be scared about; at least not for the reasons Margot is scared about it. And thankfully Owen isn't really scared--he's curious, and he should be. He should want to know everything there is to know about Ryder, and at this point, I think he's earned not an explanation, but a bit of honest disclosure from Ryder; I mean, he knows so much about Owen already, while Owen knows so little about him. Owen deserves to have his curiosity satisfied, especially if this... whatever between them is to have a chance to turn into full-blown relationship. Also, Owen wants to kiss him. It's totally okay for him to want to know more about this boy he wants to kiss. 😌 Side note: I wonder how Eric would react to knowing who Ryder is. I know we've all kind of taken for granted that pretty much everyone in Zanesville who isn't Margot, Beth, or a Seahorse, would balk at the notion of Owen having feelings for a boy, but it occurs to me that maybe Eric isn't like that; I mean, there's no real tangible reason to believe that aside from Owen's own fear, which has more to do with Owen's family as a whole than any specific things Eric has said or done. In fact, for the most part Owen regards his cousin somewhat positively; he sees his enthusiasm for the family business as genuine passion, which he considers a good thing even if he doesn't share it, or get it for that matter, and he acknowledges that wanting to share in that passion is innocuous, even charming in its own 'Six Feet Under' kind of way. What I'm trying to get at is that Eric doesn't strike me as a bad person; sure, he's quirky, but there's nothing wrong with that. So, I'd like to think he wouldn't treat Owen unkindly, were he to find out the truth about him. Idk, just something I thought about after finishing this chapter. 🙂

Yeah, I had a feeling that was coming the moment Owen told Ryder about the town fair. He really did show up just to blow up Owen's fake date. GOOD! lol, it needs blowing up. But leaving aside all the potential disastrous fallout from his sudden appearance, and the full-on damage control mode Margot will launch into the second she realizes he's there, which will make us all hate her even more--god, isn't it fucking amazing that he's actually there?! He didn't disappear. In fact, he did the very opposite; he came for Owen, whether Owen's ready for it or not. And as much as there is a part of Owen that dreads it, I think the part of him that's making a beeline for Ryder is really happy that he's there to blow it all up, because sometimes that's what needs to happen. And no, I'm not saying this is the night Owen gets outed to everyone at the town fair. But it is the night Owen gets to learn what it feels like to have the crushing safety of performance and the terrifying potential of truth have a clash right in front of you, and I cannot stress how big of a thing that is for someone who's spent his whole life hiding and quietly wishing for a way out of it. So yeah, all this is to say I have no idea how this is gonna play out, but I can't wait to read it. 🤭

Sigh. That breath I've been holding for the last few chapters without realizing is finally gone from my chest. This is what happens when you get me all invested and then make me wait. My heart just does things it hasn't done since I was a little kid who didn't know to handle uncertainty very well. 🥲 But my gut feeling about Ryder was right; He understands how Owen's been hurting because at some point he was Owen. And that's probably an oversimplification, and it goes way deeper than that, but at least it's a clear starting point to help me understand him better. I was half expecting Owen to break down on Ryder, and half expecting him to start screaming at him the moment he heard his voice. I guess I got a bit of botb, and I'm glad Ryder has enough self-awareness not to let Owen carry the blame for those five days of silence, because he would have done it, and Owen deserves better from him than what he gets from everyone else who have already decided who he is. That said, there is the dark cloud of the engagement, and the friday night date looming. How is Ryder going to feel about that? And how is Owen going to feel about that, with Ryder back in his life?

I've been lying in bed, thinking about this quote for the last half hour. There's something really special about Owen. Something no one other than perhaps the kids like Ellie and Theo had noticed until now that Beth has seen it, too. He has a way of empathizing with others that is not very common among people, like he can always see something of who they are even when they don't mean to show it. He's done it so far with virtually every other character in this story, and I didn't really stop to think about it until this chapter. Perhaps that is why he can become so easily caught up in other people's emotions; why he goes along with anything his parents, his friends, and even someone like Ryder wants, even when it means setting aside his own wishes or having to face some kind of discomfort. And it makes it easy for him to connect with others, but it also makes it easy for him to get hurt by others. I don't know how much of that Ryder might have picked up on, but I hope it's been enough for him to realize that what he's doing is hurting Owen. And I single him out specifically, because, other than the kids, and perhaps Beth a little bit, Owen seems to be surrounded by people who don't understand him. At this point I don't think even Margot does. Owen needs someone to see him that can so something about it, because if he has to keep living like this, surrounded by people that are only taking from him, it's just going to end up snuffing out that part of him, and he doesn't deserve that. I'm really hoping that person in Ryder.

Okay, that was a tough read. This is the first time in the story that I've been truly mad at Margot. She's obviously committed to playing her part, and has sold the lie so convincingly that she won't spare a moment to really look at Owen and see how it's slowly killing him. It's quite honestly infuriating. It's bad enough that everyone seems content to push and drag Owen in the direction they want him to go, but she knows the truth, and worse still, she understands it fully because it's hers, too. And yet, instead of giving him a moment to breathe, she's got a chain around Owen's neck and is all too eager to yank him forward, cutting off his air, all to better sell the lie she's selfishly made up for both of them. I was half expecting Owen to have a meltdown at the dinner table, and I would've loved it if he did. There is so little in his life that is real and his; and after next week, when he's had to say goodbye to his seahorses and the engagement party happens, this fake engagement might ironically become the most real thing he has left, and it's all so horrible and cruel, and I can't stand it. And Ryder was only there for six days, only present in the flesh in Owen's life for a few minutes. But does he realize what he's done? The wound he's torn open in Owen's heart? At this point I don't care how angry and scared he might be with the lies, he needs to talk to Owen, because my boy needs a lifeline and if he doesn't get it, how is he supposed to survive the summer? How is he supposed to survive the week, ffs? If he truly knows what it's like to hurt like that, is he really okay with Owen hurting like he has? I don't wanna believe that. I wanna believe Ryder would rather save him than let him languish like this. Right now Owen needs to be saved. So Ryder, please, if you care about him at all, get over your fucking self and save him. P.S. I think I'd like a Ryder POV chapter in the future, just to get a better look at where he's at. Idk, just a thought. 😇

Jules. My gal. My homegirl. Where have you been all this time?!🥹 Owen really needed someone in his corner, someone who just saw him, and I'm so glad she came along, because I don't think Owen could survive with only Margot by his side. Margot who cares about Owen--and I really do believe it--but operates more like a wolf in a forest full of hunters than a person half the time. I know we all feel a certain way about her right now, but I'll play devil's advocate and remind everyone that Margot is the reason this story is even happening. She's the one who got Ember in Owen's phone, the one who put his profile together. He wouldn't have done that on his own. Ryder came into Owen's life because of her. You don't do that for someone you're just using as an alibi. Her choices may be misguided and a little selfish, but I do believe she wants Owen to be happy. But anyway, back to Owen. There's a part of me that wishes he'd embrace the desperation fully and called Ryder himself. But that's bc I've been Owen before, and I had to wait for a message that never really came, and the pain that followed is something I wish I didn't know at all. It really breaks something in you to lose somebody like that. Thay said, I've also been Ryder, so I understand the need for space. And as much as I hate Margot for saying it, she's right; he and Owen have only known each other for six days, and clearly Owen's inability to be fully honest reopened a wound that may not have fully healed. That kind of hurt breaks something in you, too. Right now all we have is possibility. It's not much, and yeah, it would be easy for Ryder and Owen to walk away from each other. But God, wouldn't that be dull? Plus not all all like Author Dearest. 😝 Tossing a grenade at the beginning of the story is more your style, I've learned, and thank God it is, because damn, I'm way too invested and we're not even a dozen chapters in yet!

You know what? Fair point. I do have nine aunts and uncles.

Not if you're my late grandmother, there is not. 🫠

Give it to the church, what else? Catholic guilt runs a high tab.😖

Oh. Of all the things that I imagined could've happened at the diner, honestly, this didn't even cross my mind. That's on me. I guess I got too caught up in the 'Owen' of it all to even consider the possibility that he might be walking into an impending eruption. I knew the subject of Margot had to rear its ugly head at some point, but I didn't think for a second it would happen on the very first date. And now I feel a bit silly, because in hindsight, yeah, it totally would. Ryder has been wordlessly telling Owen who he is, and he did pick up on some of it. But I guess he could only see the better side of that, perhaps because that was all he wanted to see. The quick responses, the prodding and urging, the need to pry more out of Owen, the don't bore me on his dating profile; he only saw in it the Ryder that was curious and interested, almost desperate to know him. And because of that, he got blindsided by the Ryder that was on the lookout for flaws, the one that probably thought this cute, shy, and clumsy version of Owen was too good to be true and something had to give. And yes, Ryder comes with baggage, that should be clear by now. So does Owen, to be fair. But I guess none of us really thought we would feel the weight of it this quickly, so we missed the signs. This is Cole all over again, except it's worse, because instead of a single chat's worth of built-up hope torn down by the end of it, we got days upon days of multiple conversations over texts and over the phone. We got to feel Owen's nervous excitment and the possibility of having something awesome and beautiful and real in a way almost nothing else in his life is. And when the first date came around when we thought it would all begin, we had it all ripped away by the reality that the walls Owen's had to build to protect himself would also keep Ryder away. And I can't be mad at Ryder, because just like Cole, he has the right to choose not to be Owen's secret, for whatever reason. So yeah, this really hurt. But that's on me. You did warn us in your own way, and I've read enough of your stories to know how close you are to the 'kill your darlings' school of writing. Still, not quite tearing up yet, but my heart's doing its achy thing again. 🥲 Guess this is one upside of the shorter chapters; I won't have to wait too long to see how this resolves... right? 😟

Mmm, I can already tell Ryder's gonna be a 'very bad' influence on Owen, and I'm here for every second of it. Owen better say yes to the meet-up on Saturday, or else! 😡 But I can also tell he's not gonna be thrilled with Owen and Margot's arrangement, which, honestly I'm not super thrilled about myself. She's definitely getting the better end of the deal, and Owen's just too kind and perhaps too scared to see that. On a more positive note, though, I think Owen spending more time with Ryder will help him figure what he wants for himself and his future. We know so very little of that bc he himself knows so little, and Ryder give him the space to explore that. The are hints, like the way his day seems brighter when he's looking after the little seahorses. He could be a teacher, though that's something he hasn't even allowed himself to consider, which is why getting away from his life in Zanesville and spending tme with Ryder will be important.

Whew lad! That got intense. Ngl, with each of Ryder's messages came a little red flag that the part of my brain that's trained on bad experiences was having a hard time ignoring. It's a bit much for someone you've been chatting with on a dating app for a grand total of two days. OTOH, I can also recognize the vulnerability and the risk Ryder has taken, just like Owen did, and that makes me wanna ignore the flags. Part of me already knew Owen was going to make that call before I read it, but it didn't stop me from hoping he would. To leave the safety of the app behind and cross a personal boundary meant to protect you from potentially blowing it all up before it can become something more solid, it takes a lot. Idk if I would've done it, but I'm happy Owen did. What I'm NOT happy about is that cliffhanger! I can't believe you're gonna make me wait a whole-ass day to learn how the call goes, that's just plain mean!😭 P.S. What is all this talk of leaving your phone at home or turning it off?! The sacrilege... Some of you grew up before smartphones and it shows. 😤

Why oh why did you have to include little children in this story? Every time they come up my heart turns to mush! It's like a whole squad of little Brians, so brutal. 😭 I get Margot's apprehension about jumping into things too fast, especially after hearing about the rest of Owen's Ember misadventures. That said, I am a little bit put off by how ultimately self-serving her misgivings seemed at times this chapter. I'm not saying she's a bad person for being concerned about their engagement plan; at the end of the day, she just wants to give herself and Owen the space they need to breathe outside their families without blowing their whole lives up along the way before they're ready for it. But Margot seemingly has already found the person waiting for her on the other side of all her plans. Owen hasn't, and sure, it's a risk, but it's no more of one than it was for her. He deserves the chance to take that risk, too. Idk, I just want him to put himself out there, bc he's clearly spent most of his life living for other people instead of himself, so he's due at least some measure of freedom--and all the messiness that potentially comes with it.

Oh wow. Did you write this chapter for me? 'Cause it's lwk what I needed after the last one. 🥹