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methodwriter85

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  1. methodwriter85
    Skidfest, the local charity rock event that has been held every semester in a block of row homes known as Skid Row since 1990, has been denied a permit because of the university bookstore construction going on behind it. I knew this was going to happen as soon as I realized that the construction would take up the two parking lots that surrounded Skid, because it would severely limit access to the event. And you could feel it at the last one that the end was near when the cops closed the event down early because some stupid kid fell off a railing and had to be taken away in an ambulance.
     
    This sucks. I went to my first Skidfest when I was a 17-year old reservist townie. I made some great memories there- like when I smoked sage with my buddy Grant while some weird drunken chick kept trying to hit on me, the time I literally got up on a soap box and gave a speech about medicinal marijuana, the time I puked all over my arm because I tried to chug Hurricane, the time I got really drunk and then walked over to the academic building across to Pearson Hall to watch a play...just all those wonderful, precious memories that I owe to this place.
     
    The event was more than just a bunch of drunken, stoned kids slobbering over themselves while garage bands played. It was a dedicated charity event in which members of the community-students, alumni, townies- all came together for a cause. It lasted for twenty years, and it became something of an institution not just with the students of University of Delaware, but within the city of Newark. It will be missed, and I hope it can indeed come back in some other kind of fun.
     
    The University, in its obsession with obtaining Public Ivy League status, has done whatever they can to kill the party scene over the last 10 years. In doing so they've also killed the local music scene. What they fail to grasp is that it's memories like going to places like
    , or - those are the kinds of memories that make their average student feel a fondness for the university and turn them into alumni that want to donate. But hey, I guess they're getting what they wanted in shutting down something that was just too great and too wonderful to be allowed to continue. 
     
  2. methodwriter85
    I had a bit of a faux-paus today where I cracked some joke that I wouldn't let up on, and the professor took me aside and told me that I might not be picking up on the social cues that I was ticking off some of the kids in the class.
     
    I felt pretty embarrassed, although it reiterated to me what a great professor I have. It just reminded me that social cues and graces just are never going to be second-nature to me, and that I really have to remember when I should let my guard down and just free-flow or when I should perhaps think about what I'm saying before I say it. She also reminded me that I'm in a different area, and that some things that might be joked about casually where I'm from aren't taken so nonchalantly here.
     
    The other dimension to this is that I've been feeling tension with some of the people in my department, and it has been bothering me. There's this dude. I'll call him "Eric". Eric is this arrogant ass who, on the account of the fact that he's somewhat cute and cocky, has several of the girls in our department hanging on to his every word. He doesn't like me, and I've been feeling tension with the guy since week 1. He's got this wingmen, this girl who never leaves his side and likes to snub me right along with him. And they, and to a lesser extent their developing clique, have just made me feel very uncomfortable. I've been snubbed many times before, but experiencing this as a 24-year in the grad school setting just has me flabbergasted. I wasn't expecting to run into that kind of mentality here, and it's left me a little disjointed. I think this, combined with the gentle lashing I got from the professor, really got me down. So tonight after class I just sorta went out with my lone friend there, got drunk, and sang LFO's "Summer Girls" to forget about life for awhile. (As fate would have it, my job is shifting around hours and I don't have the Tuesday shift I thought I had.) I won't make a habit out of Monday Night Drinking, but it really helped to talk my friend and to talk to my roommate. They both basically just said to me, "Don't let the assholes bother you, just continue being you but take a second to think about whether a joke you might crack might rub people the wrong way."
     
    Justin, my roomate, was basically like, "JR, you're fine. You're doing your work. You're getting assignments done. You've balancing in your 9-hour job, and you've got the resident hall stuff you're doing. You're making friends. Don't let the few assholes get you down."
     
    He's definitely right. It was good to just talk this all out, though- one of the things I learned from life is that not talking about my problems and letting things build- that causes bigger problems in the end. I will take up my advisor/professor's invitation to talk at some point, and just...keep on keeping on, I guess.
     
     
  3. methodwriter85
    So Sister #3 told Sister #1 that I got money from our mother. I got an extremely nasty voicemail from my sister about how I need to stop accepting money from Mom, because I'm too old to do so and I need to support myself.
     
    You would think she would have a point, except 1.) the only reason I need money from Mom at all is because my mom used my credit cards for things like keeping on the utilities- nearly everything on my card comes from that, it's why I have to pay 300 dollars a month, and that is why my mom sends me money to pay for it, and 2.) my sister who sent me that nasty voicemail was living with us for very little money when she was bouncing between jobs at the age of 24 to 26. She has no room to speak at all.
     
    Sister #3 complains about the power being cut off at the house, but that sure didn't seem to stop her from going on multiple trips to Syracuse, Washington State, and the Outerbanks while not giving any kind of rent money to Mom.
     
    And it's somehow my fault that the power got cut off at the house, because of 75 dollars my mom sent to me. Right.
     
    I am starting to think that getting away from home for grad school instead of staying close by is the best decision I've made in my life.
  4. methodwriter85
    Apparently my sister is still bitching about the fact that I went to IUP instead of University of Delaware, because it's so expensive to go out-of-state, blah blah blah. She bitched about my low GPA is keeping me from going to UD, which would have been so much cheaper.
     
    Except not. University of Delaware eliminated in-state tuition for the graduate school program during the 2009-2010 school year. I would have been paying $24k a year for 2010-2011, and that would have been without living on-campus.
     
    Here at IUP, I'm playing 20k a year, and that's including housing and board.
     
    God, sometimes I really wish my sister would shut the hell up about my own life and focus on hers, like the fact that she's a single mother using WIC because she had unprotected sex with her cokehead boyfriend that predictably doesn't pay a lick of child support. Or the fact that she's spent ten years trying to get a BA because she got kicked out of UD her junior year in '03, and they only recently accepted her back in as a continuing ed student.
     
    I mean, I love my family, but god I am so glad I'm away from them. Exactly 1 of my 3 siblings refrain from bringing up what a lazy disapointment I am.
     
    Adam, why the hell couldn't I have gotten the Leave It To Beaver family you got? Damn it. LOL.
  5. methodwriter85
    Sometimes the best thing to do is face your fear head-on. I've been reading online a bit, about people who are or have failed out of graduate school. What I realize is that I'm not alone at all about feeling scared about failing, or realizing that I went into this process completely blind and uncomprehending about the pitfalls and troubles I could face. There's this interesting site by a woman who left her PhD program four years in. I thought it was pretty interesting:
     
    Straight Talk About Graduate School
     
    It's good for me to read about a woman who lived through my greatest fear- not succeeding in graduate school- and got through to the other side. This woman was a model student in college- she graduated with a 3.97, and well-loved by faculty. If she could fail, it can happen to anyone- and on the flip side...I remember reading about a guy who graduated college with a 2-something like I did and wound up a tenured faculty member. It really does seem like it's a combination of the individual and the environment they end up in.
     
    From her story and from a bit of others....here's what I'm taking to heart, and will keep reminding myself as I go through this experience, for however long it may be. It could be less than one semester or it could be seven years...and I'll keep this all in mind.
     
    1. If I fail, that means that I'm not suited for an academic life. It does not mean I'm stupid or I'm not a talented person. It means I wasn't a right fit. I want a 4.0, and I'll go after it the best I can. If I wind up with a C in all my classes and am kicked out, I will not take that as a mark of me being unable to hold an intelligent conversation or that I have nothing to offer the world because I didn't make it in the academic one.
     
    2. I will not let myself get entirely consumed by academia. I will work my hardest, but I won't make it my entire life. I will try to balance other interests I have- having friends, bonding with family, doing activities like acting, and maybe even occasionally having a beer at the bar. I will not let myself feel isolated, or feel that if I fail this M.A. attempt, I don't have anything else in my life. That could lead to a very dark road with some very dark consequences, and I refuse to go down that.
     
    3. I will continually engage myself into activities that remind me why I fell in love with history, such as going to living history museums and watching re-enactments. I will read or watch something about periods of history that I'm not covering in class for my own personal enjoyment when I have time to spare. There's a Jimmy Stewart museum here, and I'm definitely going to visit it when I get the chance.
     
    4. I will accept that sometimes life takes you in other directions, and what I want at the age of 24 might be entirely different in two years.
     
    5. I will create an escape plan for myself if graduate school does not work out. I'll audit some computer classes, maybe learn about how to temp and work in an office. If I flunk out, I will take community college courses back home and learn some different kinds of trade.
     
    Here's a quote from the site above that explains why you need a back-up plan, and it was pretty enlightening:
     

    [*]Feeling that you can't leave makes you an easy target for abuse, because the consequences of standing up for yourself could be being forced out.[*]Feeling trapped robs you of perspective on your situation, leaving you with an all-or-nothing, total-success-or-total-failure mindset that is unhealthy and unsound.[*]Feeling trapped adds stress to every decision you make, because when you feel you have nowhere to go, you don't dare make a decision that could force you to leave or get you kicked out. Even relatively minor decisions can carry heavy costs
  6. methodwriter85
    I start my classes tommorrow. Man. It's been a wild week...
     
    Wednesday, I hung out with my friends from college- my buddy
    Steve and all his former residents that are now entering junior year.
    Kinda weird- those kids are now the same year me and Steve were when we
    met during their freshman year. It was a pretty chill, laidback night-
    we sat around drinking and watching Netflix while they smoked and I
    watched. It was basically like any other time I've hung out with these
    guys- which was a good thing. I wanted to have some big emotional
    goodbye with Steve, but it's a good thing I didn't. He wished me good
    luck with grad school, and I said, "I'll see you when I see you', and we
    shook hands and I walked out.
     
    Friday my family and I journeyed to the wilds of western PA.
    Man, it was such a nice day out, and the scenery was just breathtaking.
    As a boy from the flat coastal plain area, it was so neat seeing all
    those rounded hills and small mountains!
     
    Today, or I guess Sunday, I finally met my roomate. He's not
    all that physically attractive and he's somewhat of a geek, but he's a
    nice guy if a bit on the conservative side. Most importantly, he's a
    grad rep so he understands the inn's and outs of grad school. He gave me
    a lot of really good advice, and leveled with me about how things like
    my undergrad GPA will effect me, and what I can do
    to ameliorate it all. He basically said, "You need to get a 4.0 here."
    He's right, of course, and I'm going to go after it the best I can.
     
    I'm scared pretty shitless, of course. If this doesn't go
    well, I'm looking at being 38k in debt with little job prospects, a
    failed attempt at an M.A., and a basically worthless B.A. His advice to
    me was basically, "Try your hardest. If you wind up failing, you won't
    be disapointed because you know that you did your best." Which is a
    pretty true statement, and one I'm going to keep in mind.
     
    The stakes are pretty high, and I could wind up losing
    horribly. Or it could go great, and I'll do well. Or somewhere
    in-between. What I do know is I'm one scrappy fellow, and I can take
    what life has to throw at me. So I'll try my hardest, roll with the
    punches, and make do with what I have. That's all I can really from here
    on out- sitting around and pouting about the fact that my 2,75 means I
    got no grant funding at all and have to take out a massive loan isn't
    going to change anything or make my situation better. What I have is a
    new start, and a chance to prove myself. I got in because they figured
    they'd get the most money out of me since I'm not scholarship material.
    What I need to do, and want to do, is prove both to myself and to the
    school that I'm a good asset, and hopefully in two years I can say this
    was a great experience.
     
    I need to prepare myself for the worst- flunking out- but
    also visualize myself doing the best- hitting that 4.0, getting that
    assistantship, and doing well. Now I need to see what I can do to make
    the latter a reality, and try my damndest to do so.
  7. methodwriter85
    Two years of grad school equals taking out about 41k in debt. Add the 26k I have in debt from undergrad. So I'm looking at about 67k total. Add in interest, and we're look at mid-70's kind of debt.
     
    Crazy, huh? It does scare me to think about the amount of debt I'm taking on. I have to keep telling myself about the boy who calculated that he's taking out 64k in debt JUST for undergrad, and then I feel a bit better, but it's still crazy. I am lucky that I kept private loans to a minimum- leaving Wesley was the best decision of my life, because I had to keep taking out private loans from this place called Campus Door to attend there. Federal student aid loans are just a better deal in general, so there's that. And I did get a lot of grants while at UD, which is why I'm not floating 40k in debt for just undergrad like some kids I know.
     
    Still, on top of this student loan debt, I've got 8k in credit card debt. A lot of that got racked up when I was going to community college for a year and didn't want to take out student loans.
     
    Grad school does buy me some extra years, but I've got to figure out a plan...
     
    So, what's the plan? Here's what I'm thinking...
     
    1.) Get a part-time job while doing my two years of grad school. Use the money I make from that job to attack as much of the credit card debt as possible.
     
    2.) Live as cheap as possible- get a cheap apartment, don't get a new car, don't spring for deluxe cable packages, etc etc. Again, so I can put as much money as possible into paying off that credit card debt while my loans are still deffered. I like to go out, but I'll be on a strict 20 dollar budget for those Saturdays I go out.
     
    3.) As an extension of two, I have to pretty much put away any dream of getting a house within the near future. I've read of people who get a house just before they graduate from grad school because they know that debt will count in their income-to-debt ratio for mortages if they do it after...and...nah. Not going to do that- I refuse to juggle student loan payments and credit card payments and then juggle a mortgage just for the sake of owning a house.I will not consider ever getting a house until I'm credit-card debt free- that's a rule I'm setting for myself. It'll probably not happen until about 2025 or so, but eh.
     
    4.) While I'm in grad school, I want to do my best to go after grants and paid internships so I can bring down the level of loans I'm taking out. I might look around for a cheap apartment in the area- right now I'm going to live on campus because it's a whole new area, but I'll try and network and see what happens. What would really help a lot is if I could manage to become a t.a., which would bring my tuition down by a lot.
     
    Mark Arbour, is my plan sound enough, or is there anything you'd like to add?
  8. methodwriter85
    Okay, so I'm starting school over in western PA at this school called IUP, which is 5 hours away from home. It's pretty far out. I'm not taking my car, so it's not going to be the easiest thing to get a ride to and back.
     
    I recently found out that close to my hometown, and at my undergrad school, UD, there are plans to have Jason Mraz perform on September 28th, which is Tuesday. If I skip out on Monday and Tuesday classes, I could prolly swing going to the concert.
     
    So herein lies the dilemna. I REALLY want to see Jason Mraz. Like, I love that guy's music. But I also realize that if I'm serious about grad school, it might not be in my best interest to miss two days of school.
     
    Do you think if I notified my professors ahead of time that I was going to be back down home, and got the assignments and made sure I did them...it would make everything okay for me to miss school for a truly rewarding, one-in-lifetime cultural experience?
     
    *looks at Mark Arbour and Sharon with a hopeful puppy dog face* Hey, I bet you two would think this is a great idea, right? Mark, you would totally encourage me to go, right?
  9. methodwriter85
    UD Raises Tuition for 2010-2011 School Year You gotta love the logic of it. "We're raising the tuition because we have to cover the increasing financial aid demands of the students." Gee, you think maybe the fact that school is constantly raising tuition has nothing to do with the fact that more students need finanical aid? It's the out-of-state students that get really screwed though- their tuition has been raised 2k, and they're now paying $24,500.
     
    I loved being a Blue Hen, and the school does have a lot going for it, but their goddamned greediness just gets to me. The sad thing is, I could go to any other large university and find the same sort of greed because of the fact that college is now just a business. It's part of what I liked about the environment of community colleges- they're not a money-making enterprise like the universities are- and why I'm leaning towards the cc environment when I'm finally done with school. I'll make far less money, but I think at the end of the day I'd be happier not surrounded by the money-grubbing bloodsucking administrators who want to drain every single university student dry.
     
    But at the end of the day, I suppose these tuition increases are worth it. After all, the UD students get really pretty brick sidewalks, new turf grass to play frisbee on, and suite-style dorms. I mean, that's what's most important, right? *rolls eyes*
     
    It's kinda funny that my out-of-state tuition for IUP is only going to be about 2k more than the in-state tuition for my undergrad. Good thing I'm not doing a 6th year at UD.
     
    Sorry to get on a soap box, it just sucks to realize how much students get ripped off every year.
     
     
  10. methodwriter85
    I got into a minor fender bender today, incidentally while I was going to make
    an insurance payment for my mom's car, which I drive. I got distracted and ran
    past the intersection and hit a guy's car. Luckily, since it was a low speed
    area, it didn't do much damage- just a small dent and some scratches above his
    tire. I gave him my number and am praying that the damage is less than 400
    dollars so I don't have to use my mother's insurance and jack up the payments.
    My nerves are shot right now. I really should never listen to music when I'm
    looking for a place I've never been to. I got distracted so easily...ugh. My day
    is going to suck until I find out what the damage is.
     
    I just feel so stupid. I'm broke as it is, and I don't want to make my mom pay for my own stupid mistake.
  11. methodwriter85
    I FINALLY decided on where I'm going, and that's Indiana University of Pennsylvania. I realized the only reason why I was considering Millersville was because it's only an hour away and I could take my car, and other than that, Millersville doesn't really offer a whole lot. Like it doesn't have graduate housing, and it doesn't offer a wide variety of classes. I'm a bit wary about the fact that it's 5 hours away from home, and I likely can't bring my car as my 1999 beater couldn't handle a 300 mile drive, but I think that might be a good thing. Funny how things work out. IUP was my second-choice, MU was first. But when I sat down with the advisor at MU, I realized that the program didn't really offer much to me. My mom told me, "I just want you to be happy, and go where ever you want to go", and I realized that I want to go to IUP. It's just going to be a real different kind of experience, but I'm excited. I'm sorta taking a big leap of faith, and I realize I could fall flat on my face, but hey- if I hate it there, I can always transfer, plus it's only two years anyways.
     
    And Indiana is the hometown of Jimmy Stewart, so...it's like I'm going to be around the real Bedford Falls. I can't wait for the first snowfall...I'd be running around, yelling "Merry Christmas, Bedford Falls!"
     
     
  13. methodwriter85
    I was over at my favorite bar tonight. I was there for an acoustic guitar show by a guy named Jefe. Afterwards, I was watching a good amount of people crying their eyes out. Because it was the Jefe show they'd ever see at the Deer Park Tavern as a college student, you know?
     
    I was seeing one guy in particular. He was just bawling his eyes out, and comforting and being comforted by his friends. It went on for at least half-an-hour.
     
    I had a bit of a cry later in the car- you know, the "Oh no this is the end of college and it makes me emotional" deal, but I think in general I'm not feeling that sort of despair that guy is feeling. I contrast that to when I graduated from high school five years ago, and I just don't feel that same sense of,"my world is ending", that I did back then. Back in high school, I felt like the world was going to end as soon as I stepped off that stage- that because the world I had taken four years to build was over, that my life is over. And I don't really feel that when it comes to college, and I don't really feel that much despair about things ending.
     
    Part of it, I think, is just the fact of the matter is that I'm a 5th year senior. I mean, I know that technically I'm the class of 2010, but in my heart I'm the class of 2009. This isn't really the class I grew up with. I went through the feeling of saying my goodbyes to my fellow seniors last year, I think. This year has felt like an extension of college, but my heart's already moved on a bit. And I don't really have the tightknit, "we do everything together" kind of group that a lot of these kids seem to have. I transferred into UD during my sophomore year, and I just never really became part of any one group. I was more of just a "floater", I think. So there aren't really any huge emotional ties tugging me to UD. I mean, there's my friend Steve, and I do have some good friends, but University of Delaware just wasn't the center of my world that Cab Calloway High was.
     
    I'm ready for it to be over, and I'm ready to move on to grad school. I mean, I'll still always be the silly college kid at heart, and I don't think that will ever change, but I really think doing a 5th year of college prepared me for the end of it. It feels time, you know? Time to smile, time to reflect on my accomplishments and all the fun and all the tears and all the tediousness and the joy and the sadness...and just..walk forward. I might be a total blubbery mess on Friday on Saturday, but for now...I'm happy that I'm marching towards something new and away from the familiar.
  14. methodwriter85
    I got my acceptance letter to my back-up school yesterday. It's
    this mid-sized public university in western Pennsylvania called Indiana
    University of Pennsylvania, or IUP. Now I'm just waiting to hear back
    from my first choice, Millersville. Either way, it's great to know I
    have a place to go to no matter what.
     
    All I have to do now is just make sure I pass Italian, and
    things are good from here on out. It's strange how that's parallel to my
    experience of the spring of 12th grade- I got into my back-up school,
    and I was flunking French II, but I managed to graduate by studying
    extra hard in French and getting that passing D. Although I'm not doing
    as bad in Italian as I was doing in French lo those many years (cinque)
    years ago.
     
    So at this point, I'm just thinking about whether or not I'm
    planning on going to my college graduation. 63 dollars for a gown I'll
    wear once? Dunno. And my friend Steve isn't going, so I'm thinking about
    just going to the department convocation instead.
  15. methodwriter85

    Family. Ugh.

    By methodwriter85,

    My whole family is bitching at me right now because I'm applying to this
    school called Millersville Univeristy, which is, at an hour and a half away,
    'too far' for me to go, and 'isn't a good school'. They keep bitching at me to
    apply to a closer school in the area, and look at closer area schools, which I
    have! They are either too good for me to get into, or they don't have my
    program. Then they bitch about me about how I need to take educational courses
    if I'm going to be a community college professor- which isn't even true, because
    I've asked professors time and time again. They tell me I should apply to my
    undergad school, like there's a chance in hell I'm going to get in with a 2.64
    GPA. They don't seem to understand that I don't have a whole hell lot of
    options. Ugh, ugh, and ugh.
  16. methodwriter85
    Over at Adam Phillip's Yahoo group, I made a comment about how I felt a bit dirty for having sexual thoughts about Taylor Lautner, because he's all of 18 and that feels wrong to me somehow. Adam said that there's absolutely nothing wrong with having those kinds of thoughts about a young dude, because it's not actually a child I'm lusting over- it's a young man who's in terrific shape, and I shouldn't feel like there's anything about having salacious thoughts about the guy just because he's a good deal younger than I am.
     
    And he's got a point, and I was wondering why it had been bothering me so much whenever I looked at an 18-year old guy, thought he was hot, and then felt, "God, you are such a dirty old man, Jeremy!"
     
    And I came to this conclusion- it's weird for me, because 18-year olds remind me that I'm no spring chicken anymore, and it makes me question if I'm reacting that way to them because I want to re-live my youth. It used to be that I could look at a cute 18-year old boy, and think, "Maybe I should ask him out", because at the time, I was 18 or 19 years old, and I was age-appropriate. Nowaways, as I'm moving in my mid-20's, I generally find that most of the guys that I'm really attracted to are in their early 20's or mid-20's, because most 19-year old boys look just like that to me- boys, not men. But occasionally, such as in the case of Taylor Lautner, I just think, "Wow, he's really hot and gorgeous!", and then there comes that, "Oh wait, I shouldn't hit on the dude, because I'm way too freaking old for him."
     
    It's strange how life moves so fast- one day I was in high school homeroom talking about the merits of the O.C., and now I'm facing the end of college and I'm no longer really and truly young anymore. My youth is almost behind me, and it's a disconcerting thought.
     
    Am I mourning my youth? I guess I am, but in another way, I'm really not. I loved certain aspects of my youth- I loved driving around with friends late at night while we searched for post-drinking food, I loved the wild excitement of going to the first college parties with a set of eyes full of innocent, wide-eyed wonder at all these new experiences, and I loved the quiet, heart-to-heart moments I had with friends as we searched our way through post-adolescence. I have all these memories, and I lived through it, and those memories can't be taken away from me. I don't know if it's really that I would go back and re-live my youth...I guess it's just...I don't know what it'll be like to finally be out of that stage of my life. I've prolonged my days of college youth much longer than I should have. Now that it's finally here- the end is finally here- I'm hestitating before I make that finally plunge into that other stage of life- adulthood.
     
    My friend Steve has been getting on me about how I need to stop being so obsessed with youth- and he's right about that. I think it's just that I've seen my youth as being the one and only thing I've ever had going for me...that now that it's gone, I don't know what I have anymore. But I think I can find it. I hope I can find it. What I do know for sure is that I can't just wallow around and mourn my lost youth- because no amount of that is going to bring it back. And to be honest, I'm not really sure I want to go back to my youth again, either. What I do need is to just become more comfortable within a new role that's developing for me as I leave my youth behind.
     
    I just hope I get there. I know I'll get there.
  17. methodwriter85

    Regret

    By methodwriter85,

    Does it every just spring up on you?
     
    Right now, I'm feeling it. I'm writing up a CV for my professor to get him
    to write a recomendation, and I realize...I peaked at the age of 20. I haven't
    done anything noteworthy since 2007.
     
    College started out great for me- I was a tutor, I was involved in a sport,
    I had a job, I was involved in a lot of activities.
     
    And then I transfer to UD, and I get it into my head that I'm John Walsh
    from Fraternity Memoirs, and I don't do anything except party my ass off and go
    on the occasional burn ride. I was involved with some stuff, but not nearly as
    much as I used to be.
     
    Then I get put on a Dean's Vacation for a year, and I spend it bumming
    around in community college and partying my ass off in bars and parties. And I
    come back, and I don't really do anything, at all.
     
    I thought I was going to leave behind this great legacy when I graduate
    from college...and I'm not. No one is going to remember that I was ever there,
    because I just didn't much while I was there. I had this great opportunity to go
    to this really fine school, and I didn't do nearly as much with it as I should
    have.
     
    And it's too late now- I'm graduating in 8 weeks baring failing Italian-
    and when I step off the stage, only my family members are going to clap because
    they're the only ones who are going to know who the hell I am.
     
    I guess all I can do is remember this feeling, and try and do more in
    graduate school*fingers crossed* than I did during my time here at University of
    Delaware.
  19. methodwriter85
    Today I attended the first funeral I've ever gone to. It was
    for my sister's father-in-law, who died after a two-year battle with
    liver cancer at the age of 55.
     
    It was a pretty surreal experience, seeing someone I'd talk to
    lying in a casket, dressed up like he was in life, and made to look like
    he was just sleeping. That's the first time I've ever gotten that close
    to a dead body, and man...something about that was just really strange.
    The memorial service was pretty beautiful, and the slideshow they showed
    of his life pretty much had me bailing, as well as when his brother and
    sister went up to talk, especially when the sister, "I'd never thought
    I'd be standing here so soon." It killed me when they talked about my
    sister Christine, and how her father-in-law loved her, and treated her
    as if she were her own. My sister started dating their son about seven
    years ago, and I just remember how easily and readily they have accepted
    her into their family, and for many years, my sister finally had the
    father figure that she didn't get to have growing up. I was grateful to
    him for proving my sister that. He and his wife were together for a
    total of 38 years- ever since meeting at University of Delaware party
    way back when, and you could just feel the tight bond he and his wife
    had together whenever we met with them.
     
    The whole day was long and sad, but I also felt privilieged to
    be there, celebrating the life of a genial, simple man who led a life
    full of love, which will be carried within their hearts of his wife, his
    children, and his grand-children. The best part of the speech was when
    the speaker joked about how my sister and her husband will have a baby
    boy someday, and name him after the father. (My sister does plan on
    giving her future son the middle name of her father-in-law.)
     
    Funerals, I've heard, are a day for reflection upon the life of
    those who have passed, and a day of reflection for your own life. It
    made me think about how and what I want to remembered for, when it comes
    for my time to go.
     
    I don't think I want to be buried, because I don't think I want
    my body six feet under, waxed up and made to resemble what I looked like
    alive. I want to be cremated, and I want my ashes to be spread over the
    Atlantic, because I think there's nothing that ever made me happier than
    laughing and dancing around the waves on a warm summer day. (And one
    cold fall day, back when I was 16.) Instead of a burial, I want a tree
    to be planted in my memory at a state park, with a plaque stating,
    "Jeremy Richard Smith. 1985- (Year of Death). Historian, Party Kid,
    Family Guy, Basketcase, and Good Friend, all rolled into one. We
    wouldn't have had him any other way."
     
    I want lots of laughing and dancing when people remember me. I
    don't want any crying- I want people to boogying down on the dance floor
    to songs I'd always loved to dance to, like "(Apache) Jump On It' and
    "Flashlight" by Parliament. I want silly, crazy stories told by family
    about the crazy, precocious toddler I was. And I want my high school and
    college budies to tell the funny, crazy stuff I did as a teenager and a
    twentysomething, always with a goofy grin on his face. I want to be
    remembered as a good guy, who was nice and had a big heart. Maybe a bit
    of an annoying pain-in-the-ass sometimes, but someone you knew had your
    back if and when you needed it. I want to be remembered as a guy who
    loved to laugh, who loved to do the Molly Ringwald Breakfast Club dance
    to 80's music, and who loved the color of the fall leaves and the way
    the sunset looked over the beach and Atlantic Ocean.
     
    Most of all, I just want to be remembered as someone that had a
    positive impact on you, and someone you were better for having known. I
    think that's the most any of us can ask for, and that's something I try
    and work on by doing what I can to treat people how I want to be
    treated, and just...caring.
     
    So those are my thoughts after a funeral. Anyone wanna share
    theirs?
  20. methodwriter85
    I just spent the day at my alma matter- we had an Alumni Lunch, catered by Capriottis. (It's a chain sub shop with really good sandwhiches.) It was pretty fun- reliving the good ol' days when I was just a kid and my biggest worries were whether or not I could get away with sneaking out of the boring assemblies without getting caught. After the luncheon I just sorta hung out with a few fellow alumni in the front lobby of the school, singing songs and laughing as we reminisced about times gone by and looking at those high school kids, realizing just how long it's been since we were them. Five years. Five freakin' years. (Okay, four and a half, really, but still.) Still can't believe how fast all those years went by- from auditioning to get into that high school all the way back in January '01 as an 8th grader who just fell in love with that school, to those four precious years of high school that went by much too fast, and all those enusing years since I stepped off of the stage as a newly crowned alumni, 19 years old and thinking that nineteen would be forever. Five years now separate me from that boy. Crazy to think that.
     
    Last year, I remarked to one of the teachers, "Did I get old, or are these high school kids getting younger?" She replied, "You got old. That's how it always works." And she's right- it seems every year, those 16-year olds just look more and more like babies to me. But I guess it's just me being a decade away from sixteen. Oh, well. I still have those precious memories of youth, and what it feel like to be a kid with his whole life ahead of him where everything was just full of possiblilites and new experiences. And it's not like it's bad being older- I can legally drink now, my mother can't order me to a curfew, and I don't have those vacilitating, turmultuous moods that come with being an angsty teenager. Still, there's just something about growing up...that isn't half as fun as growing up.
     
    Anyways, here's a song for the mood I am in. (The rumination of this post completely justifes me breaking the Monday music rules, I think.)
     

     
    "These are the best days of our lives"...man. In a way, it is true. Because your heart is on your sleeve when you are young...the joys and the triumphs and the laughs...they're all felt so much more deeply, because your emotions are closer to the surface as a teenager. Not that you can't feel joy and all that as you get older...but...it's just not quite the same, I think. That's why I think so many authors write about coming-of-age, because that universial experience that we all go through offer such a rich treasure trove of emotions that can really fuel a story.
     
    Is anyone hitting up a reunion anytime soon?
     
     
  21. methodwriter85
    I got the heebie jeebies the other day when I was playing the game Farmville yesterday, and I got a notification that B.P. had done something to help my farm.
     
    B.P. died back around August, an apparent suicide. He was only 22. After that, his father took over the page, giving us updates on stuff like the funeral. Then he started sending us stories about Brian. Now he's apparently using his son's facebook page regularly enough that he's playing Farmville under the name of his dead son.
     
    I understand the father is grieving, and maybe this is his way of dealing with it, but god, this just creeps me out so much. Am I wrong for feeling like there's something wrong about this? It'd be one thing if the father just left the page up as a memorial, but I've gotten a birthday notification, status updates, and now Farmville help from B.P., who died back during the summer, and it's really unsettling. I'm thinking about deleting him from my profile, but I don't know if that would be a nice thing to do. Still, I just feel really uncomfortable about this.
     
    UPDATE: I wound up deleting the profile from my friends page in October. When it had reached over a year, I just couldn't take the weirdness of it anymore. It's not my friend Brian's page anymore- it's his dad's.
  22. methodwriter85
    And all that jazz. Hope everyone is happy this Christmas Eve day.
     
    As for me, I'm doing good. I had my best semester GPA at UD- getting a 2.975- almost a 3.0! I had two As in my 300-level history class, then a B- in geology and a C- in Italian. I'm satisfied with how I did this semester. My 2.975 brings my accumulative GPA from a 2.42 to a 2.53, which makes me feel good to finally have my GPA over the 2.5 line. Now if I can just get it to 2.66, I'll be good because that takes me into the B- range. I'm doing winter session, if I can get the private loan, so let's hope. And then there's my history GPA, which went from a 2.825 to a 3.1. Pretty happy about that- because it now means I'm eligilbe to apply to schools like Salisbury University.
     
    I'm also beginning the grad school application process. I'm going to be realistic- I'm not getting into William and Mary with my grades, but there are some schools I could get into. The plan is to go for whatever grad school will take me, do well there, and then go on to a a really good school for the PhD. If I don't get into grad school, I'll change my graduate date to 2011 and take up a political science minor.
  23. methodwriter85
    So I did spring semester registration. I might push around some classes, but right now I'm taking:
     
    Italian 107
    two theater classes
    Two 400-level history classes
     
    It's pretty good. I don't have any classes that start before 11 a.m., and I have Friday off. Which means Thirsty Thursday should be alive and well this semester.
     
    The best part is that I got into the internship class- I'll be working as an intern with a company called Gore. I think I'll be helping them catalog the history of their products, or something like that. It should be a blast. And it will be a great experience for them.
     
    The downside is that I'm not sure if I should take the other 400-level history class I'm taking. You see, I registered for a class that talks about how religion and politics co-mingled with each in America up to the start of the Civil War. It sounds mad interesting, and I love the professor, but I'm not sure if I should make the committment to two different 400-level senior seminars.
     
    As for the grad school situation, I've decided this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to take winter session, which lasts until the first week of February. I will take the GRE's in January. After winter session, which should boost my GPA, I will apply to grad school in the middle of February. I should hear back by the end of March. If I don't get into any of the schools, I shall change my graduation date and do another year- picking up either another major or another minor.
     
    I feel pretty good about all of this, I think. I've got a plan A, and a plan B. It's good to feel like I know what I'll be doing next year.
  24. methodwriter85
    I just had a conversation where someone told me that it was demeaning to refer to my friend Steve as my "stoner" buddy, rather than my best friend or some such thing. He thought I was trying to sound cool by inserting the stoner buddy bit, and in doing so, both demeaned myfriendship to my friend Steve and offended his own sensibilities.
     
    What I'm wondering is...do you think the person has a good point? Is it demeaning to do that? I suppose that in a way, it's taking a single characteristic of a friend and "defining" them as such. I can see how by doing that, you're showing that it's the ONLY way you think ofthem as that, and that's all that they mean to you. But it really wasn't intended as such.
     
    You see, I have had a lot offriends named Steve, and I guess because of that fact, it made it easier to refer to them in different ways- "Hipster Steve", "Steve Who LooksLike Actor Steve Zahn", "Frat Steve", and "Stoner Steve". I never really had a second thought about doing that- I mean friends usually fufill different sides and different wants/needs, and when you've got multiples of friends with the same name, I thought it was okay to latch on to onedefining characteristic so when you talk about your good buddy Steve,people know which one you're talking about.
     
    But maybe there is something wrong with that. In any event, I'lltalk to my friend Steve tommorrow and ask him what he thinks about it. It's just...I dunno- it seems like all of my friends do this...they have friends they refer to as their stoner buddy, or their cuddle buddy, or their fun buddy...and...I don't really see what the problem is. Does coming up with an single adjective for your friend and referring to them as such show a lack of caring for your friendship?
     
    I'm interested in seeing if anyone has any thoughts on this.
  25. methodwriter85

    Phone Screw-Up

    By methodwriter85,

    I just discovered that I racked up a $953 phone bill. My mother is, of course, pissed, and I feel pretty guilty.
     
    When I was 16, I used to have scorn for the people who lived their lives on their cell phone. Now I'm like, one of them. So weird. I never thought it would happen to me.
     
    This is what happens when you make your social life revolve around your phone.
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