Illuminated - 1. One shot

~~~ ILLUMINATED ~~~

The new waiter moved from table to table simultaneously taking orders and serving the rowdy patrons. It distracted me now and then, when he’d stop by the table across from me. While he stood there with his back to me, I would steal glances at his fine ass peeking out of jeans that had accidentally slipped down. The t-shirt he wore, with the logo and the bar name printed on the front, hugged his body and just reached waist level. Whenever he’d bend or stretch, it would pull up to reveal his six pack abs. At that moment, I thought of all the things I could do with his naked body. Imagining him without clothes was enough to blow my mind. I was turned on just by thinking how I would kiss him senseless, blow him dry, and ride his crazy ass on that damned table itself. He would moan; he would literally beg me for more. I would make him cum so hard that …

“Logan… sweetheart, are you there?” A woman screamed near my ear, interrupting my fantastic dream. I remembered I was on the phone, in the middle of a conversation, with Carmel, my wife.

“Sorry, I-uh-just spaced out there for a minute,” I fibbed and closed my eyes, feeling guilty. “So what were you saying about your mother?” I asked. During the two years of our marriage, I had learnt that if I wanted to distract my wife, the best way was to let her speak. I gave her the arena and knew she would battle fiercely.

“I don’t want to talk about her.” She spoke like it was the end of the conversation. But I knew better and kept quiet. As expected, she launched immediately, “I mean, I called to check on her and she made me feel like shit as usual. She kept nagging over and over again. You know, she wanted to come over this morning because she had this whole list of doctors she wanted me to see. Can you imagine? It got so goddamned annoying that I hung up on her.”

There was a hint of uncertainty in her tone and I slipped back into the perfect husband mode that I had excelled in over the years. “I’m sure she is doing this with our best interest in mind. She’s only worried about us, baby. That’s all.” I said.

“I know, but I don’t like that she is taking so much interest in our lives than her own.” She sulked, “I want her to shut up and there’s only one way we can do that.”

I knew it was coming. “Uh, yeah. Listen, can we talk about this when I get home?”

“You always come in late and I can’t stay awake for that long.” She pointed out. “Can’t you come home a little early today?”

“I’ll try, but I’m not sure if my boss will allow me to leave. There’s a lot of work pending.” I hated it, but lying was the only way out of an uncomfortable situation.

Carmel swore. “Damned you and your workaholic ass. With all that work you do, you end up ignoring me. You are gonna loose me someday because of that.”

Although I knew she was teasing, my heart skipped a beat. I immediately began to wonder what my life would be like without her in it. Our marriage was two years old, but our relationship stretched way back to our college days. I was used to her being by my side as a friend, girlfriend, wife and partner, through thick and thin. She had been there for me all the time and I had been there for her. A life without her was beyond my imagination. I loved her.

“I’ll be home as soon as I can.” I told her, desperately.

“Okay,” she said. I could see the smile. I could hear her joy. “I’ll be waiting. Love you, stud.”

“Love you, too.” I flipped the phone shut and held my head in my hands with elbows resting on the table. I exhaled. I knew it the moment I proposed to her that this marriage wasn’t going to be easy. But I never thought it would be so difficult either. Why should it be? I loved Carmel and that was enough, right?

Wrong!

There was more to it in the form of a three-letter word that tensed our relationship from time to time. Spelt S-E-X. I didn’t have it in me to please her the way a caring, loving husband should.

“Should I get a re-fill for you?” A manly voice asked. I looked up into the teal-colored eyes gazing at me. It was that new waiter who’d stopped by my table. Must be my lucky day! He was standing so close to me that only the table kept us apart. The fantasy returned and I swallowed hard. I hoped I wasn’t drooling seeing that gorgeous face up so close at that moment.

I stared at my empty glass and said, “Um, no. That will be enough for tonight, I guess.” I tried to give a polite smile but it came off as a silly grin. “How much do I owe you?”

I paid him for the beer and gave him a tip which looked generous enough to me. He was happy too. “Thank you.” The grin on his face revealed a boyish charm.

“You are doing a good job.” I said, shoving the wallet into my back pocket.

“I try. I’m very new to this work. I started here just today.” The boy sounded excited. From his looks, I assumed he was in his early twenties, if not in his teens. Yet, that made him quite younger than me.

I nodded. “Figured so. And I see you have quite a crowd here today.” I gestured around the bar which had all the tables filled unlike any other weekday.

The boy shrugged, pushing the blonde strands of his hair out of his eyes. “As many tables I wait, that much tips I make for the day.”

“Right,” I stood up, “In that case, I won’t hold you back from that. You go impress those people and your boss, just like you impressed me. Good luck.”

“Thanks. Hey,” I was confused when he turned to look behind him, checking around the bar before facing me again. He stepped closer to me and retrieved the pen that was tucked behind his ears, took hold of my hand, and pushed the sleeve of my dress shirt up a little to write his contact number on my forearm. “My name is Phil and that’s my number. You can call me anytime tomorrow and maybe we can, you know, hang out or something?”

My eyes widened. He knew!

How could he? Was it written over my face? Did our talk give away too much information than was needed? I wasn’t flirting with him.

He must have definitely mistaken my intentions.

I freaked out and stammered. “Fuck! No, Phil. You are taking me the wrong way.” I frantically wiped the ink off my forearm. I feared what Carmel would think if she saw it. I showed him my wedding ring. “Dude, I’m married. To a woman. I’m straight.”

Phil, however, looked amused. “Oh, if you say so.”

I frowned and shook my head. I grabbed my jacket and my cell phone from the table, and scurried out of the bar. I didn’t dare look back, but even so, I had this wild image in my head which teased me with thoughts of that cute waiter checking out my rear.

I found our apartment dimly illuminated from the street lights breaking through the curtain-less windows, which meant Carmel was asleep. If she was awake and waiting, she would be on the couch skimming through a magazine or watching TV.

I exhaled, relieved; and thanked God. I was in no way ready to face her.

Ditching the car keys on the side-table, I unbuttoned my shirt and rubbed my stubble chin. I badly needed a shave and a shower. It was the beginning of summer but the heat was already taking its toll on the town. I needed to cool off and clear my mind. Shaving could wait till the morning, but showering sounded like the better idea. The second best was to sleep.

I opened the door to the bedroom quietly so as not to make any sound that would disturb Carmel. I stood in awe the moment I entered. There were candles everywhere and the room smelled sweet. My eyes finally settled on the brunette sitting elegantly on the bed and grew wider when I noticed what it was that she wore. My jaw dropped.

She looked smoking hot in a pink colored satiny robe. Her hair was curled up and a few strands fell down her face and settled on full breasts. Her robe was short and barely covered her thighs, but exposed long, smooth legs.

Her face lit up when she saw me. She turned on the music and it quickly filled the air. Carmel slowly approached me with a shy smile. “I knew you would keep your promise today.” Her soft hands crept over my shoulders then around my neck and pulled me into her. She kissed me and I robotically responded, still trying to figure out what was going on. She backed off, looking dazed through her dark eyes. “Come on.” She led me to the bed and whispered into my ear, “There’s no stopping us today.”

She captured my earlobe between her teeth and licked it. I shivered and released a pleasurable moan. My hand snaked through her silky hair and I pulled her head back as a sign of encouragement. She giggled when I pushed the robe up with my other hand. Her thin lips kissed my jaw-line feverishly. I pulled her head away, exposing a long neck and I kissed, licked and sucked on it. She had my shirt unbuttoned in no time and threw it on the floor. Likewise, I untied her robe and off it went. I had a flash of seeing the waiter Phil shirtless in front of me and I leaned forward to kiss him excitedly.

“Wow!” She was amazed by the ferocity of that kiss and kissed me back. “Baby you are so hot!” She ran her hands down my gym-toned chest and kissed it slowly, covering every inch with her sweet lips.

I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of her. “Fuck! You are gonna make me cum already, Ph-fuck” My eyes flew open at the realization of what I was about to blurt out. How could I have let it slip?

Carmel looked disappointed when I backed away from her. “What’s wrong?”

She reached out to kiss me again, but I placed my hand on her breast to stop her. A mischievous smile crept across her face and I stammered. “W-wait, I want to know what this is all about?” I asked, “Was this one of your mother’s crazy ideas to help us make grandchildren for her?”

“You can’t blame her, Logy. She’s just looking out for her daughter.”

“But you have to understand, baby. This finally comes down to us making this decision.” I desperately tried to talk her out of it. “Do you want to have a baby at this stage? Are you ready for it?”

“Well, I have been thinking about it.” Her voice was timid.

“It’s never that easy, Carmel. There’s lot of responsibility that comes with a baby, and honestly, I’m not ready to take this step at the moment.”

She frowned deeply. “Fine! If you don’t want to make a baby now, we can at least just have sex.”

“I’m kinda tired tonight…”

The dam broke at that moment and tears rolled down her face. Shit. “You are always tired.” She yelled. “If it’s not that, then it’s something else. We’ve been married for two years, Logan. Heck! We’ve been together for eight long goddamned years. And I haven’t once experienced what it feels like to have you inside me.”

I grew uncomfortable and hesitated at first whether or not to hug her. In spite of my reservations, I took her in a warm embrace. “We’ve talked about this. We tried once and it was embarrassing.”

She pulled away from the embrace. “Yeah, but that was two years back. Things aren’t the same today. You and I were exhausted on the wedding night. It’s normal to lose your erection if you’re worn out. I’ve even looked it up on the internet.”

She was so innocent. She loved me so much and she wanted to be loved as much. What was I doing to her? I gazed at her face. The tears had made a mess with all the mascara she wore. Yet, it didn’t make her look ugly at all. “Carmel I …” I sighed. “I can’t. Not tonight.”

She pushed me away. “Fuck you.” Waving her hands around the room, she yelled. “All of this was for nothing. I thought you would, for once, put my needs first. What are you afraid of? Sex? With the woman you love?” I didn’t answer. What was I supposed to say? I was mortified, blameworthy, remorseful, sad, angry all at once. Also, I had my own thoughts to deal with. However, when I didn’t speak for a long time, it pissed her off. “Yeah, good job Logan Blake. You do very well keeping your damned wife happy.”

“Baby I…”

She held her hand out. “I need to sleep. You can get the hell out of here and take the couch tonight.” She climbed off the bed angrily and blew out each candle in the room ferociously; one by one each went out, dimming the room slightly every time. When the last one was gone, there was nothing else but the faint light of night lamps fighting the dark. She stormed away in the bathroom, leaving me sitting alone on the bed.

I stared at nothing in particular. We had an argument a week ago, and weren’t on speaking terms. I spent sleepless nights because of it. Of course, the thoughts haunted me for the most part but really, it was just the effin’ couch. She wouldn’t allow me anywhere near her, let alone sleep in the same bed. I was left with no choice but to take the couch. And the couch was not something you could sleep on, all night. Seriously. In a week, I had a sprained neck, aching back and baggy eyes. I moved and walked funny all that time which made me the joke of the week at work. I should like to think she wanted to torture me to the extent that I would finally give in and have sex with her.

I groaned, displeased at my train of thoughts, and rested my hand on my forehead, lying on that uncomfortable couch.

She was hurt and I was the reason for it. I knew she had no spiteful intentions at all. She just wished to be happy. Was she doing anything wrong? No. But I couldn’t help the situation, could I? All the choices I made in the past had led to this and they seemed irreversible now. As much as I hated to admit it though, I knew she was suffering the effects of it more than me.

My mind rolled down memory lane and I had flashbacks of the time when I’d first met Carmel Gilbert. I was on the soccer team of my college and our practice sessions took place every morning. Every Wednesday I would see this girl on the bleachers, with tons of books surrounding her, and what weirded me out was every now and then, I would catch her staring at me. Of course, when I looked, she’d go back to whatever she was reading. My team-mates teased me about it all the time. And then my quarterback buddy dragged me to her and introduced us. I learned that she was majoring in the arts – creative, unlike me. I was the nerdy one taking up IT classes.

I asked her out on a date thanks to peer pressure. My friends were definitely suspicious as to the reason I didn’t have a girlfriend and why I never went out with a chick. They mocked me, asking me if I was a fag. It infuriated me and I wanted to prove to them, once and for all, that I was normal.

Normal, right! I tussled with my fate, trying to keep my life as normal as possible. Whenever a wicked turn of events occurred, I’d do something incredibly stupid to set things straight. Just like I proposed to her after I’d had a one-night stand with a guy who picked me up at a bar.

That was a very interesting incident of my life, actually – indeed the one that changed my life forever. Let’s just say, it was not the first time that we’d tried to have sex. Emphasis on tried. She pushed me to go further than making out or touching her breasts. I finally decided to give it a chance one night after attending her best friend’s birthday party. I sneaked her into my dorm room that night. She was ready; she said she wanted it more than anything in the world. It was going great, until I penetrated her and within a few minutes found it hard to keep my erection. That disappointed look on her face made me feel worse. Although she said it was okay and soothed me throughout the night, I didn’t believe her.

After that, she continued to initiate sex between us and I dodged the idea time and time again some way or the other. At some point, I even ridiculously quoted the bible where it said that sex before marriage was a sin; that we had to wait till we get married. She bought it, but the problems piled up. She desperately wanted us to get married. I’d tell her I was not ready for that kind of commitment and we always ended up quarreling. The six years of our relationship before marriage was bumpy and we broke up more often than not, only to come back apologizing to each other. One such time she gave me an ultimatum; she didn’t want me to show my face until I had made up my mind to marry her. I ended up drunk, and that wasn’t good. I woke up in a strange place, on a strange bed, wrapped around an equally strange guy. Although I don’t remember it fully, there are bits and pieces confirming what transpired that night.

For the first time in my life, I doubted my sexuality. Funny, right? It was all so clear, yet I didn’t want to see it. Waking up in a man’s bed was the worst. It wasn’t something I accepted as normal. That was what my parents told me; not just them, but my friends, my neighbors, the church – they all said it was wrong to have a homosexual relationship. I had to make things right. I had to make the choice. I proposed to Carmel the next day. She was overjoyed and was so excited that she planned our wedding for a couple of weeks later. I didn’t mind. I needed to get rid of the weird feelings I had just discovered and marrying her was the best way out. I believed.

Not that our marriage life wasn’t bumpy. It brought on more problems, like the pressure of making a baby! That idea mostly came from my mother, partly from Carmel. Mother pushed the topic every time we visited. She manipulated Carmel until the issue reached an unbearable level.

I avoided any intimacy between us by spending most of my time working. With the job I had, it was easy to make her believe me that there was a reason I wasn’t able to give her much time. Weekends were difficult to avoid, so I kept taking up business tours that required me to stay away from home longer. As days went by, I realized why I was avoiding my wife, why I was not interested in having sex with her like a normal guy – like a straight guy.

I was hiding the real me.

I was hiding behind my wife’s back. I was hiding away from her.

And then I met that waiter at the bar. Phil. He saw me for who I was and a shocking thought materialized. How many knew? Was it so obvious? Did Carmel doubt me too? She must have after all these years. She knew me well but her love for me, I guessed, blinded her. She possessed a deep faith in me for some reason. She believed everything was going to be fine between us sooner, rather than later. I had misled her. It angered me when I realized how wrong that was. She deserved a better life than this.

My eyes flew open at the sound of the door click and surprisingly discovered it was morning. I was light headed through a lack of sleep and I watched Carmel coming out of the bedroom. She ignored me and continued to walk towards the kitchen.

“Carmel.”

She stopped. Still ignoring me.

“Please Carmel, look at me.” I almost thought she wouldn’t because she hesitated.

Finally, she faced me.

“I’ve been thinking,” I said. “I don’t want things to be like this between us. This has to end.”

She scowled. “There’s no point in arguing with you, Logan. You are just so impossible sometimes. I too want our fight to end.”

I sighed and looked down at my trembling hands. “I wasn’t talking about that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Please sit down.”

She looked at me suspiciously.

“Please.”

She carefully sat in the sofa chair beside the couch.

“Sweetheart,” I fought to choose the right words. “I know you have given a lot to our marriage and I’ve seen you struggling to keep it working between us. But I think I was the one who kept holding back. It was me who was the problem all along.”

“So you finally admit that you never gave a hundred percent to our marriage!” She said, sarcastically.

It saddened me. “Yes. And I overlooked what it was doing to you. I am so sorry.”

Carmel eyeballed me. “Where are you going with this, Logan?”

“The thing is I’ve hurt you. I’ve tried but I don’t think I have it in me to…to make you happy.” I stammered. “I think it’s better if we … if we put an end to this.”

Her expression changed. “You don’t mean …” She looked appalled, afraid to even finish the sentence.

I nodded, confirming her fears. “You deserve better than me.”

She leaped from the chair and came to sit beside me. “You don’t know shit what is better for me. Don’t you talk like that ever again.”

I cupped her face as she cried and gently wiped the tears rolling out of her eyes. “Believe me, I know. I know you better than you know yourself.”

“That gives you a much better reason not to do this?”

I smiled sadly. “It’s not enough. I thought it was, but there are other things that are needed in a marriage too.”

She wailed like a baby. “No, Logy. I am sorry. I won’t pressure you to have sex with me ever again. I promise. I’ll tell my mom to fuck off if she ever brings up the baby thing again. But please, just shut up with this already. I don’t want to think about my life without you.”

“Hey, hey,” I turned her head to look at me and I noticed the vulnerability in her glassy eyes. “Who said I’m going anywhere? I’ll be there for you every single time you need me. I’ll be there as your friend, like I have always been.”

“I love you, Logan. Don’t do this please.”

“I’m sorry I caused you so much hurt.” I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from breaking down too. It was hard to see her like that. “But believe me, this is for the best. I’m finally able to do the right thing.”

And I felt better doing the right thing.

On the other hand, there was grief over losing what I shared with her. She was precious. Nonetheless, I believed we were living a lie and that had to end.

I knew she would have a hard time dealing with this. I had gashed her heart and I hoped it could heal with time.

She shook her head. “Why? Why are you doing this?”

“Because I want you to live your life the way you want it. I want you to meet a man who can genuinely keep you happy in every way you want.”

“I want you to be that man.”

“As much as I’d love it to be that way … I can’t.”

I shed some tears of my own right then.

“Why not?”

“Because…” I had never said it out aloud before and I found it difficult to form the words now.

I had to make the right choice.

I had made so many wrong choices.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

I had to do this.

She deserved to know, and maybe then, she would understand.

“Because Carmel,” I looked right into her sad eyes, and finally said it, “I am gay.”

Illuminated!

span>Thank you Louis, for being with me through this! You are a great friend
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