To Move Forward - 3. Present in Spirit

The drizzle made the drive brutal. It had been along time since I’d been this way: new on and off ramps confused me, landmarks had disappeared. The rain stopped as I exited the highway. Before I had enough time to collect myself, I pulled into the subdivision and searched for the correct house. I found it easily. Cars packed the driveway and the street. I pulled slowly on to the side road and parked.

I picked up the cowboy hat and presents. By the time I made it to my rear bumper, I changed my mind about wearing it. I carefully removed my hat and put it down on the passenger seat and resolutely walked down to the house.

Adult conversation drifted out the windows. At the front door, I caught Annie running past.

“Oh, hey,” she said surprised. “I was going to Kathy‘s, hang on.” She turned and called through the screen door. “Mom! Dad’s friend Patrick is here.” There was a drop in the chatter from the house.

“Good Luck,” she said before she ran off across the front yard.

A short woman opened the screen door and beckoned me in. The last time I had seen her was in a picture from five years ago.

“Patrick?” She extended her hand. “Nice to meet you. I’m Emily, Darrin‘s mother… Ben‘s ex.” I shook the hand that held his heart for all those years. “I’m happy you could make it.” She led me into the living room filled with people who stared at me in silence, then she showed me where to put my gifts and introduced me to the room at large as Ben’s friend from school. She introduced me to everyone, I could remember Rob‘s name. He was the only other man in the room.

No Ben.

Emily ladled some punch into a cup for me. “We are pretty informal around here, help yourself to anything in the kitchen. Darrin and his friends are running around out back or down by the pool table. Sit down and relax a before catching up with them. Ben and the rest of the boys are downstairs in front of the TV. I was stupid enough to schedule this party on a day the Packers were playing.”

I couldn’t dislike her, she was pleasant. Without any guidance, I stood and sipped my punch willing myself to be smaller. No one engaged me, which was a relief. Rob glanced at me now and then. I wanted to sneak out to the kitchen and look for Ben but I didn’t want to leave by myself; I already looked like a lost puppy.

Without warning, there was a voice from behind me.

“Well, who do we have here?” I turned around to see a man in the doorway.

“Patrick is Ben’s friend, the one Darrin invited from the State Fair,” Emily answered. “Patrick this is Joe, my fiancée.”

“Yes, yes, that’s right. Nice to meet you Patrick.” He shook my hand enthusiastically. “Come on, we’ll get you something better than that.” He nodded at my punch. “Kick-off is in a few minutes.”

My head spun. I was being helped in my escape by my “ex’s” “ex’s” fiancée? Rob watched as I followed Joe into the kitchen.

We passed a few kids playing a board game in the dining room. Joe and I gathered up a few beers and headed down a flight of stairs towards loud laughter from more children.

At the bottom, I kept my neck a slightly bent to keep from hitting my head. The birthday boy saw me immediately and ran over.

“Patrick! See, I told you he’d come!” Darrin grabbed onto me.

“Happy birthday.” I delicately patted his back with the beers in my hand.

“Do you wanna play pool?” He asked expectantly.

“Maybe in a little while ok?”

“Ok.” Then without another thought, he scampered into the group on the other end of the room. I heard the murmurings of “giant” and “huge.”

“More brews and a straggler,” Joe announced. The room went quiet.

“Pat!” Ben got up and crossed to me as Joe moved away. “Hey everyone, this is Patrick.” He took some of the beers and shook my hand. “I’m happy you made it.” He leaned in and whispered. “I was afraid you might not come.”

“Damn, you’re big ain’t you,” said a guy who had the bearing of a bulldog. He studied me intently without blinking his eyes. I looked back at Ben to avoid Greg’s stare.

“Patrick, that’s Greg,” Ben said, pointing to the bulldog. He gestured to the others “Kurt, Mitch, and Drew.” Drew, being the closest, shook my hand on behalf of everybody.

“How was the drive?” Ben asked.

“Shhh,” Greg complained.

Ben rolled his eyes and shrugged then pushed back into his seat. I didn’t want to crowd anyone so I leaned against the wall. I wasn’t sure whether I would have been more comfortable with the kids, or here. Either was better than upstairs with Emily, Rob, and the ladies chatting away. I appreciated the game, even though my team was not playing. It also didn’t hurt that the uniforms hugged their butts.

After kick-off, Ben realized I was still standing and pushed at Kurt to make room for me. He gestured for me to come over which I did, crossing behind Greg. The space was small but with Kurt leaned over the arm a bit and with me seated forward, we made do.

I felt so close to Ben. I wished we could have the sofa to ourselves. Late at night after his parents went to bed, Ben and I would watch a movie in the family room. Sometimes he would lay his head in my lap while I absent-mindedly stroked his hair. I wished I could remember the feel. I hadn’t thought about memorizing the touches at the time. I wish I had.

There was an interception and we cheered. Mitch and Drew high-fived over Joe and Ben slapped me on the back. Although it didn’t surprise me to be touched by Ben, when he left his hand on me, I was confused. I imagined things like always. He rested his hand on me for convenience; the sofa was crowded. No one seemed to notice and I liked it. I didn’t say anything.

Late in the second quarter, a little girl earlier appeared in the doorway.

“Daddy?” she asked cautiously. I glanced around. No one answered.

“Daddy,” she repeated.

“What sweetie?” Greg didn’t take his eyes off the TV.

“Darrin’s mom said it’s time to cut the cake.”

“Couple of minutes, wait, almost halftime.” The girl continued to stand in the doorway staring down. Greg ignored her. I turned my head to Ben who shrugged. Joe stared intently at the TV and tried to block out everything around him, including the request.

Then it hit me.

Since I had arrived, no one had done anything without some type of approval or acknowledgement from Greg. The guys were waiting for halftime, but also for him. He was the alpha and it suddenly irritated me. I’d been quiet and undemonstrative all along to be polite and, in essence, I subjugated myself to Greg, just like the others.

Darrin came up behind the girl. “Can you come up so we can cut the cake? Please…” he asked. Kurt tensed up next to me.

“In a minute, Darrin,” Greg began, “just a minute.” He was definitely irritated.

I turned slightly and saw Ben and Joe peek at each other. Neither made a move. I did. I stood and crossed to the door, this time in front of Greg and without permission.

“Hey, move, move. Where are you going? Only a minute left!”

I stopped to the side of the TV and turned back. Greg stared at me with a confused and frowned expression. What an idiot.

“Well it’s Darrin’s party after all,” I said. Ben’s jaw dropped. Joe grinned and stood up.

I followed Greg’s daughter and Darrin up the stairs followed by Joe, Ben and the others.

We assembled in the dining room. Darrin sat at one end of the table Emily and Joe to one side, Ben, Annie on the other. They were a modern family. Kathy stood next to Annie, the rest of the children all sat around the table, plates at the ready. Adults crammed around behind the kids. I stood at the far end from Darrin and Ben, Rob at one side Kurt on the other. Kathy waved at me.

We sang a hearty Happy Birthday to Darrin, who barely waited until the end to blow out the candles. I could tell there wasn’t going to be enough cake before they even started to cut it. I declined the sliceoffered to me and sipped my beer. Greg on the other hand…

“Halftime should be over, come on guys,” he said as he carried his plate out of the room followed by Drew, Mitch and Kurt. I made no move to follow. Ben glanced at me, I could have sworn he waited on what I would do.

“In a few minutes,” Ben replied.

“When do I get to open my presents?” Darrin asked loud enough for everyone to hear.

“Be polite,” Emily said gently to Darrin, then to Joe and Ben, “Should we wait for them?”

Rob said, “Don’t bother.” He rolled his eyes. “They won’t even notice. I don’t even know why they bothered coming.” He rolled his eyes again. I chuckled.

“Hey, Patrick, could you help me get the gifts?” Ben had crossed to my side opposite Rob.

“Sure.” I nodded to Rob and followed Ben out to the living room.

With a few less people, I was able to get closer to Darrin while he opened his presents. He didn’t need to be reminded to be polite even once. Emily had coached him well. He read who each gift was from and thanked them, if they were in the room. When happy, he reminded me of Ben. The huge smile showed off perfect teeth. The sparkle shined out from even half closed eyes. It was then I realized I no longer saw Darrin, but Ben. Like his son, Ben sparkled.

I was extremely pleased when Darrin opened my gifts. He positively beamed with excitement. Ben turned to me and continued his beautiful grin. He hadn’t steered me wrong. I continued to watch Ben a few more moments before I realized I was staring and looked away, straight at Rob.

Rob slyly grinned at me.

I shifted my gaze again only to fall on Kathy next to him. She carried more of a smirk. I didn’t feel malice, merely amusement. Somehow, I felt caught or exposed. I turned back to Darrin as he finished thanking me.

After Darrin finished opening the presents, we split up in to groups around the house. Joe and Ben went down to catch the rest of the game. I followed down the stairs but turned and instead, played pool with the kids. Rob joined us a short while later. He turned out to be fun and sarcastic, vaguely like Alec. I learned quickly about his family. Rob, Emily and Kurt were siblings. Kathy was Kurt’s daughter, which made him uncle to Annie, Kathy, and Darrin. Rob clearly loved Darrin and the rest of the kids. He played with all of them and made sure to include me in their fun.

At some point, Ben crossed out of the TV room carrying empty beer bottles. I helped Darrin hold the pool cue. Ben saw me and smiled. Rob came up on my other side and nudged my arm to help the aim. Ben’s smile vanished when Rob continued to stand close after the shot was taken.

“Hey Patrick, we need more beer. Do you wanna walk with me to the corner?” Ben inquired. His face was hopeful.

“Sure.” I tried not to show how excited I was. I would finally be alone with Ben for a few moments.

“Need help?” Rob asked quickly. My heart sank.

“No, we got it.” Ben said

“Take over for me,” I said, pleasantly to Rob who took my cue.

I followed Ben up and out the back door to drop the empty bottles into the recycling bin.

“How’s it going? You having a good time?” Ben asked sympathetically.

“Sure, the kids are great. I don’t know what I was expecting. There are so many people.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t have control of the guest list.” We crossed up the street towards my car.

“Where did you end up parking? I don’t even know what you drive now.” I pointed as we approached my Suburban.

“Cool, “ Ben said as he walked right up and peered into the windows. “Very nice, Pat.”

We continued to walk up to the end of the block while we talked. He asked about how long I planned on staying today. I told him I wanted to play it by ear. I told him that I took tomorrow off and planned to stay at hotel overnight so I didn’t have to run right away. I had even thought about a drive to the old neighborhood.

We purchased some cold beer in the convenience store and one the way back he tugged on my arm, pointed and we sat down on the stoop around the side of the building. He cracked one open and handed it to me.

“Did you have fun at the fair?” Ben asked after a few moments.

“Of course.”

“Me too. I wasn’t sure if you had when you left so quickly,” He said cautiously. I sipped from the can.

“No, I really did. It was fun to catch up and remember the good times,” I said as I handed back the beer.

“Speaking of which,” he said slyly. “I liked it when you called me Enge again.” He took a swig. I had liked it too. “But you never told me what you were thinking about.”

“What?”

“When you got all embarrassed.“

I blushed profusely.

“Oh, now I can’t let it go,” he laughed. I so wanted to tell him outright, but I couldn’t, not yet.

“You didn’t tell me either, I wasn’t the only one who turned red.”

“Fair enough, if I tell you, will you tell me?”

“Of course. You show me yours I‘ll show you mine.”

His eyes widened.

Why on earth did I just say that?!

“There you are!” Rob called over to us. “Joe is searching for you. Fourth quarter’s about to start,” he said as he approached.

“We were just catching up,” Ben murmured.

“And you…” Rob pointed at me, “Darrin said something about you giving him a ride?”

The three of us walked back down to the house while I explained to Rob about “Giant Rides.”

Loud shouts and cheers signaled the end of the game. I looked up at Rob who was loading the dishwasher. He glanced back over his shoulder.

“Well its over, you might be able to spend some time with Ben now.”

I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t say anything. He turned around, leaned on the counter, and dried his hands as if he were politely waiting for me to respond. He stood there and watched me. Up to this point, he had been jovial and easy going. Right now his expression was completely masked, his thoughts veiled from my understanding. After another moment, he walked over and sat beside me.

“Look, you barely know me, and it’s none of my business but, some advice?” He leaned in closer. Suddenly barely able to breathe.

“If I were you, I would be more cautious.”

My eyes widened.

“I’ve seen the way you look at Ben. I didn’t need Annie or Kathy to mention it to me to see it.” He spoke calmly and quietly.

My mouth opened wider.

“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. Be careful. Nothing personal, but, Emily is my sister, Kurt is our brother. I mean… like… here?”

I’m sure the shock was apparent on my face. Rob suddenly shrugged his shoulders and smiled knowingly.

“No worries. I don’t think anyone would care, but right now it would be awkward for Ben, especially with Joe and Emily’s wedding coming up.”

I was in shock while Rob stood up and gently put his hand on my shoulder. Was I so obvious? Was I the pathetic puppy who followed Ben around? Somehow I had been challenged and told to back off, politely.

The room suddenly filled with people. Some were preparing to leave. I realized I was still sitting down not focused on those around me.

“Patrick said he was headed out soon,” I heard Rob say. I stared up at him and didn’t understand. As with Kathy, I felt no ill will. Maybe he genuinely thought he was helping.

“He said he was going to stay at a hotel tonight and head home tomorrow. Right Pat?” Ben said and turned to me. Rob frowned.

“I wanted to be flexible,” I muttered.

“Well, you should stop by my apartment on your way. Maybe we could catch up more.” Rob’s frown deepened.

I felt a sudden strong desire to not let Rob make it “easier” on me or Ben. Best case he tried to help, worst, he manipulated. I didn’t owe him anything. I would never see him again anyway. Ben was an adult. He could say whatever he wanted to afterwards.

“It might be fun to talk more,” I said calmly. The frown vanished into the same expressionless gaze from earlier.

“Good, when we leave you follow me.” Ben patted me on the back. Rob’s eyes registered a strange mixture of amusement and disbelief.

The party itself was winding down. Ben would stay longer for Darrin and the family, so I settled back and played with the remaining kids and made small talk with the last guests. Kathy and Annie left, but not before a few non-verbal exchanges with Rob. I felt less fear after they left. Rob and I barely spoke the rest of the time. I still didn’t feel any strong negative feelings; I felt a void.

Darrin and I played the video game I had bought him. In my opinion, I think he liked the older style game better and it made me feel good. I had finally done something right. Ben peeked in on us once and grinned.

Finally, Ben told me we could go. I said my goodbyes to Emily and Joe. Darrin waited at the door for me. He thanked me again for the video game and gave me a hug.

Ben and I walked to his car and he gave me general directions to his apartment. I would follow him east into the city. He waited around before we pulled out of the subdivision.

I became lost in thoughts. What had Rob been on about? I couldn’t help but feel it shouldn’t matter to me at all. The fact I thought about it meant it did. Then there was Ben. What was I doing? A few weeks ago, I had looked for closure. Now I was going to Ben’s home. What did I expect to happen? Did I expect too much or too little?

Without warning, Ben’s turn signal went on, he turned west not east. I flipped on my signal and continued to follow closely.

My cell phone rang.

It was Ben.