Snowy Road - 3. Chapter 3 - Questions and Answers

Chapter 3 – Questions and Answers

The next day I woke up with a start when the alarm went off on my cellphone. Rubbing the crusts from my eyes while yawning I felt more tired than I usually do in the morning. Only sleeping for a few hours could have something to do with it, I lay awake for god knows how long last night. At first I had been replaying the day before in my mind, maybe focusing a little more on the feeling of Adam's strong arms when he embraced me, but soon my mind started to wander in circles. I thought about my past and my future, it was kind of bittersweet to remember the good times I've had with my family. It felt a little surreal, I couldn't really grasp the concept of never talking to them again, and it was also a sad feeling. I took the comfort of a family for granted, despite the flaws they had they always loved me. In their own way. I think. With all the recent events that was a statement I was beginning to doubt.

Looking around the room I saw my backpack by the door, everything I owned was in it. It looked so small. When the hungry feeling in my stomach won over the urges of going back to sleep I got out of bed and walked out of the room. Oh right, my room. That was a thought I needed to get used to. The floorboards felt cold under my feet, apparently the temperature had dropped during the night, and when I walked past a window I noticed it was still dark outside. I wasn't really fond of winters, not anymore at least. When I was little I would eagerly await the first snow of the year and I remembered how even my parents would join me and Eric when we built snow fortresses or snowmen. Now when I was older, winter was just a season with way too little daylight hours and too much cold. The snow had lost it's charm somewhere along the way.

Walking into the kitchen I noticed Adam leaning against a cupboard with a coffee mug in his hands. He was, like me, only wearing a pair of boxers and a t-shirt. I felt a little self-conscious and I wished I had put on some pants. Adam on the other hand didn't seem to care, he was standing there, looking a little tired but relaxed at the same time. His normally sleepy look was perhaps a little bit more pronounced and he had a bed head. Cute.

“Morning” he said, stifling a yawn at the same time. “Want some coffee? I don't think I have much for breakfast, maybe some bread, but feel free to raid the cupboards.”

He was smiling tiredly and I was trying not to be too obvious while sneaking glances at his body. He was definitely muscular, not big and bulgy though.

“Uh... yeah, coffee's great.” I said, blushing a little when I forced myself to look into his eyes rather than at his body.

He turned around and opened a cupboard, grabbing a coffee mug and walked over to the coffee pan to pour some of it into the mug. When he handed the mug to me I felt the tips of his fingers gracing my hand, sending small waves of warmth up my arm and to my face. I really need to stop this blushing business.

“So... Are you going to school today?” he asked while walking over to the small kitchen table.

“I guess. Leslie wants me to.” I said while taking the seat on the opposite side of the table. “And it's probably good for me think about other things than...” I left the sentence unfinished.

“Yeah” he agreed with the beginning of a frown on his face. “So, when will you be home? I have a morning class but I'm off the rest of the day, if you want to hang out or something.”

Or something?

“Sorry, I need to work after school today, grocery store.” I said with what I hoped was an apologetic smile. “I'll probably be done around seven o'clock.”

“Oh, OK” he said, looking slightly disappointed. “But hey, maybe I'll see you at work. I need to buy stuff for breakfast anyways, got to feed my new hubby.” He winked at me and I almost choked on my coffee. I could feel my face flush yet again. I really need to fix my blushing problems. Like, right now.

I managed a laugh that I hoped didn't seem too nervous, and he just smiled again. I noticed that I really liked his smile, it was all white teeth and dimples and it made me feel a little warmer in the cold apartment. That might have been the coffee though. Well it definitely affected me in a good, but at the same time, a little scary way.

We talked for a while, sipping our coffee, and it was nice. He told me about his college, how he liked to write, the reason he he chose journalism, and it never felt boring. I tried my best to contribute something to our conversation but he was a good talker, and I liked listening to his voice.

When both of our mugs were empty he looked at his clock and announced that he had to get ready if he didn't want to be late for his seminar. He grabbed both of our mugs and put them in the sink, talking about making something with chicken for dinner. I wasn't really listening though, his body had a distracting effect one me and for some reason the neatly trimmed hair on the back of his head fascinated me. I wanted to run my fingers trough it.

I went back to my room to get some clothes out of my backpack, they were a little wrinkled and I reminded myself to put them on hangers in the closet later today. Looking at the clothes I brought from home I decided that I had to buy some more as soon as possible. My backpack wasn't overly big and the clothes I had would last me a week, tops. After choosing a pair of blue jeans and a thick sweater that looked warm enough to brave the outside world, I walked to the bathroom and took a shower. As I was shampooing my hair I heard Adam shouting a 'see you later' and then the sound of the front door closing.

It wasn't far to my school from Adam's apartment but the wind was freezing and I wished that I had brought a pair of gloves from home. I walked with my hands deeply buried in the pockets of my jacket the whole way and when I arrived at school my nose was running a little from the cold. Sniffling, I walked towards my locker while keeping my eyes on the floor, I was in deep thought about Adam, my parents and the benefits of gloves when I felt someone slapping me in the back of my head. Looking up I caught the sight of a grinning Leslie all dressed in pink, Tuesdays were pink day in her world, don't ask me why.

“Yo, sleepyhead!” she said while grabbing my arm and pulling me forward towards my locker. “Why didn't you hear me when I called out to you?”

“Oh, sorry” I said throwing her a slight smile. “I was just... thinking about stuff.” I really didn't want to talk about my parents at the moment and I certainly didn't want to discuss the attraction I felt towards her step-brother.

“Hmm” she looked at me with a strange look on her face. “I never thought you were that kind of person but after everything I've heard recently, can I take it you were thinking about gay po-”

“Shut up!” I hissed but I couldn't hide the fact that the corners of my mouth curled up a little. “I didn't! Really!” I added when she shot me a skeptical look.

“Sure” she said and I rolled my eyes. From the tone of her voice it was obvious that she wasn't convinced. “Anyways, get your books. You shouldn't be late, especially after skipping a day.”

I sighed, despite her appearance Leslie took school seriously. She had good grades and almost fucking perfect attendance. I grabbed my English textbook and as soon as I shut my locker Leslie grabbed my arm again, pulling me along in a quick pace.

The first half of the day was OK. The classes were kind of boring but at least they prevented me from thinking about my recent life altering experiences. Thinking about my parents would only have my mind wandering round and round in one big downward spiral. I couldn't come up with anything else I could do than just wait for them to make a move. Visiting them clearly wasn't an option, seeing how my mother reacted the last time we met. But knowing this didn't stop me from mulling it over, trying to find something that could make it all better.

When the bell rang for lunch I was pretty much starving since the only thing I've had all day was that coffee with Adam. After pushing my backpack into my locker I went to the cafeteria to find Leslie, we had different schedules and only shared a few classes this year. Pushing my way trough the corridor filled with students, chatting or trying to make their way to different places, I found Leslie waiting for me outside the cafeteria entrance. Amanda and her boyfriend Steve were standing behind her, making out. Amanda was one of those girls I started to hang out with when I realized I didn't want to be one of the cool guys, they always had to prove something to each other for some reason. We weren't as close as I was with Leslie but she was still a friend and I liked her. Steve, the boyfriend, was one of the few guys I thought of as a friend. He's of the laid back nature and easy to talk to, I had no idea if he would be talking to me at all if he knew about me being gay though. The same goes with Amanda.

I walked up to them and after Amanda and Steve decided they could keep their hands off each other for a minute they greeted me and we went inside the cafeteria to get some food. We always sat at the same table, pretty close to the nerds because we didn't want to sit too close to the 'cool' kids. Leslie was talking about some guy she thought were hot, apparently he worked at the mall's shoe store, and Amanda was listening intently. I was only paying attention half of the time though and that's the reason I jumped when I realized Amanda were asking me something.

“Huh?” I said, looking up from my plate.

“Don't zone out on me Markie” she laughed, I hate it when she calls me that. “I asked you if we could keep our biology project at your house, you know those pesky chili plants that keeps dying on us.”

Shit. I didn't know what to say. I was thinking fast, trying to come up with an excuse that didn't sound totally fake, or lame, when I heard Leslie laughing.

“Yeah, my brother would totally love it if you transformed his apartment into a withering chili garden.”

Shit, shit, shit. I swear, sometimes Leslie's a freaking retard, despite her good grades.

“Huh?” Amanda had a confused look plastered on her face. “Why would we keep the plants at your brothers apartment?

“Mark lives there now” Leslie said matter-of-factly, still not seeing the problematic questions appearing on the horizon.

“What, why?” Amanda asked with a quizzical look and it seemed like Leslie finally realized where the questions would be heading because she suddenly froze up before looking at me. Her eyes were practically shooting rays of 'I'm sorry's' and other apologetic sentences.

For a few moments I just stared at the air between Leslie's and Amanda's shoulders. My mind felt like a beehive, thoughts scattering in every possible direction, crossing each other and coming back into focus. To everyone watching it must have looked like I blanked out, quite the opposite really.

After a while I suddenly realized I should say something, anything, and I cleared my throat. It was clogged up for some reason.

“I...” I started. “I can't go home... I'm sorry I have to go. Chemistry class.” I rose up from my seat and practically ran out of the cafeteria, my pulse ringing in my ears. I had no idea how I was supposed to explain this to Amanda and Steve, there were no good explanation except the truth and frankly, I was terrified of their reactions when they learned it.

I was grateful for the fact that I didn't share any more lessons with either of them for the rest of the day, Leslie would be joining me for chemistry though. When she entered the classroom a couple of minutes later she quietly took a seat next to me.

“I'm sorry Mark” she was leaning towards me, whispering. I could see tears forming in her eyes.

“It's OK” I said but when I saw that she still was wearing that tearful look on her face I leaned towards her with what I hoped was a calm expression. “Really. It's OK, we'll... figure something out.”

“They'll want answers though.” she said. I just nodded because I didn't know what to say. Everything in my life was starting to fuck itself up.

Chemistry was a bore, and so was French. I have no idea why I chose that class, it all sounds like gibberish to me. I just sat trough both classes, not even listening, and when school was over I quickly went to my locker to get the hell out of the building. Grabbing my jacket and stuffing my backpack full with homework, I walked outside with a quick pace. The grocery store where I work is pretty close to Adam's apartment and it didn't take long before I entered the employee locker room. I put on my working clothes and went inside the store to pack things up and put them on the shelves.

It was a monotone kind of work and I think it helped me to push aside my problems for the moment. After a couple of hours it became boring though but that's when I saw a familiar face browsing the shelves. Adam was standing in front of the cereal section with an indecisive expression on his face. He looked kind of cute with an occasional frown on his forehead. Sometimes he would grab something only to put it back while shaking his head.

“Need help?” I asked and he jumped at the sudden question.

“Shit, don't just appear like that.” he said, a little startled but with a smile on his face.

“I can appear as much as I want.” I smiled. “So, what are you doing? You look kind of lost.”

“Uh, can't decide what to get. You want müsli or coco pops?” He grimaced at the question.

I snorted. “Neither, thank you. I prefer sandwiches in the morning.”

“Oh, good” He let out a laugh. “I hate both of them.”

“I knew we had something in common.” I smiled, he looked cute when he laughed. As I've told you, all dimples and stuff.

“Probably more than you think” he answered cryptically. “Well, I don't want to disturb you at work, see you at home.” He smiled as he took off, leaving me to think about what he meant with that last statement. Probably nothing I concluded after a while, it was just me doing my usual wishful thinking.

I checked out at seven o'clock and walked to the locker rooms. After changing back to my everyday clothes I put on my jacket and walked outside. It was even colder now when the moon was up and the wind had tiny ice particles in it, hitting me in the face like missiles. I jogged around the store, hands in my pockets, and started to quickly make my way over the parking lot. It had been a shitty day and I just wanted to get back to Adams apartment as soon as possible. After striding across half of the parking lot, avoiding the occasional frozen puddle, I abruptly stopped. In front of me was my dad, busy loading the car with groceries. When he reached for the last bag he looked up and froze. It lasted only a second but I knew that he'd seen me, and he knew that I knew that. This time there was no anger, no harsh words. He just put the bag in the car, closed the door and strode over to the driving seat. I watched as he put the car in reverse and then drove off like I wasn't even there.

I didn't know what to make out of it, what to think or how to react, so I just continued my walk back to the apartment. It was almost automatic, like I was a walking robot with no thoughts or emotions. After a few minutes I arrived at the apartment complex, stomping the snow off my shoes in the lobby. I made my way up the stairs and opened the door to the apartment, there was a sudden rush of warmth flooding from inside. I took of my shoes and jacket, putting it neatly on a hanger, and walked into the kitchen. The smile on Adams lips quickly faded as he looked at me.

“Whats wrong?” he asked with worry in his voice.

It was a simple question but I think it broke me somehow. Everything. Everything was wrong. My parents didn't want me, my friends wanted answers, it was fucking cold outside and everything seemed to be so damn complicated. I couldn't stop my body from shaking and I felt tears running down my eyes. I wanted to hide. I didn't want Adam to see this, see how pathetic I was. How weak. But I couldn't stop myself and I couldn't move, so I just stood there while feeling a mixture of embarrassment and indifference because everything was too much. On some level I just didn't care anymore.

I was slightly shocked when I felt his arms around me, locking me in a steady embrace. Somehow I noticed that he smelled good as I drenched the front of his shirt with my tears. He didn't seem to care about ruining his clothes though, he just held me while slightly rocking back and forth. And I felt safe, maybe for the first time in two days.

I don't know how long we just stood there, I was beginning to calm down a little and I noticed that I had my arms around him too. He was taller than me and my face was buried near his collarbone. I realized that he had his nose buried in my hair, lightly kissing the top of my head, but I think he only did it to comfort me.

“Sorry” I croaked. “I don't want to talk about it, not tonight, can... Can we just eat, or something?”

It took him a while to respond, I was afraid that he would ask questions, but he just nodded.

Dinner that night was a little awkward, it could have something to do with how red my eyes were or maybe it was the worried glances Adam threw me when he thought I wasn't looking. Either way, it was awkward but I didn't know what to do about it so I just ate and listened while Adam talked about random stuff. I didn't really pay that much attention to what he said but I was grateful towards him because he tried to keep everything as normal as he could. When we were done I offered to do the dishes but he just shooed me away and said that he would take care of it, I gave him a thankful smile because I really just wanted to be alone at the moment.

When I got to my room I sat down on the bed and closed my eyes. My mind drifted away from my family and I remembered Amanda and Steve. I didn't know what I would say to them but I knew I had to say something.

I couldn't help hoping that maybe, maybe, they would be OK with the truth.