Snowy Road - 1. Chapter 1 - Time for Truths

Chapter 1 – Time for Truths

I was about to throw up. The usually fresh air that accompanies winter days like these was replaced by the stuffy kind of air that you find in closed cellars or dusty attics. At least that's how it felt every time I tried to breath, or rather gulp, in air. I was standing with my hands on my knees, gasping, and way too lightly dressed for the rather cold winter night.

OK, understatement. It was freezing! But at the moment I didn't even feel the cold, I was too numb to feel anything at all really. Except for the panic that surged in waves trough my body, making my stomach churn and my eyes water. So, what was the reason for me standing there on the snowy road in the dim light of a streetlamp, obviously, not my usual self? I mean maybe some bystander would assume it was my daily routine to stand in a cold dark place, gasping for air with a tear-streaked face. Maybe they would think it was some new kind of fashion trend to only wear one sock, sweatpants and a sweatshirt when you take a winter evening walk. Or run. At least I had remembered to put on shoes. Anyways! No, this was not something that I'm fond of doing every Sunday night, or any other day as well I might add. I guess by now your beginning to wonder what the hell I am doing. Let me explain the chain of events that led me to the snow covered road with the streetlamp. Thinking about it I should probably start with some background info on my friends and family.

My mom is a sharp looking woman, not smart sharp, just sharp. In the words most literal sense. She has a big but thin nose, kind of like and eagles beak, pronounced cheekbones and hollow cheeks. She gives of an impression that you might cut yourself on her if you get too close, a result not only from her edgy features but also from her distant attitude. An attitude that shows on her face most of the time. My father on the other hand is the opposite of his looks. He's slightly overweight, don't let him hear you mention it, with a round face and rosy cheeks. If it weren't for his cold eyes one might mistake him for a kind man. OK, I know that sounds rather harsh. It's not that he's not able to be nice to people but more like he's nice to you until he finds something about you that he doesn't agree with. Like when I was eight and wanted to try art classes. He just asked me if I want to be a fucking fairy when I grow up using a matter-of-fact kind of voice. Pleasant. It's not like I could have said yes even if I wanted too, that much was clear when I heard the tone in his voice. No discussion, don't take art classes, but if you do you're a fairy instead of my son. Statements like that became all the more hurtful when I got older. Mainly because that's what I am. A fucking fairy. The fact that my little brother, piece of shit, share my fathers mentality and isn't afraid to show it doesn't make things easier.

It started when I was twelve, when my friends started to notice girls in a different way than before. You could say that instead I started to notice my friends, thinking about how it would feel to kiss them. Or touch them. Where I live, and probably in many other places, teenage guys find a kind of unity in their interest in girls, and lets not forget their hate for gays. It becomes a daily thing to call each other fag or homo whenever someone does something wrong, wrong in their sense of course. Like you can't hug a friend, that's too gay. In my case I guess it was. That's part of the reason I started to hang out with other kinds of friends, girls, and in particular one girl. Leslie is a short girl with a big temperament, never afraid to say whats on her mind but also very loyal. A trustworthy keeper of secrets, though she's not aware of my biggest one. Yep, I'm as closeted as they come, I even date girls regularly just to avoid rumors. And to avoid Leslie, I would hate to break her heart so I try not to stay available for too long, don't want to give her any ideas.

It all started one day when I got home after spending some time with Leslie at the mall browsing the stores for clothes, books and whatever else Leslie “needed”. I rarely buy stuff myself but it's kind of fun to go shopping with Leslie the Store Whore, mainly because we both like to trashtalk different pieces of clothing or even other customers, preferably as loud as possible. Anyways, when I got home that day I greeted my mom, she's a housewife and therefore home most of the time, and dashed for my room, eager to go browse the internet and stalk my latest crush (boy) on facebook. Pathetic I know. When I got to my room I found my two years younger brother trying to hack my computer, I put a password on it for privacy.

“What are you doing?” I said, frowning a little.

“I need to borrow your computer, mine is broken so give me your password” he said with a look of annoyance on his face.

I started to panic a little at this point, the reason being my browser history. See, I couldn't remember if I deleted it or not since the last time I visited certain homepages. OK, I admit it. I watch porn and I figure it's normal for a guy, especially if he's as closeted as I am, no action you know. But the problem wasn't him finding porn on my computer, It was him finding gay porn on my computer.

“No” I said, I didn't have the time to come up with a reason so that was pretty much the only thing I was able to say.

“Eh... Well, yes” he said. “I need it for school so just give me the password, I'll tell mom” he added with an unpleasant smirk.

Knowing I had no real argument for not letting him borrow it I gave up, wrote the password, and just hoped that I did delete my history, and if that wasn't the case I hoped he just wouldn't come across those sites. Unable to stand there in suspense and watch him log on I left the room and sat down in the living room. I reached for a magazine on the sofa table and started to fake reading it when in reality my mind was on my brother, sitting in my room and preparing for my doom.

Distantly I could hear the sounds of my father coming home from work, talking with my mother. I shifted my concentration back to the sounds of my brother tapping the keyboard in my room. As time went by slowly I started to conjure different scenarios, some which he didn't find anything but mostly absurd ones like my mother hitting me with a frying pan and my family tying me up so they could take me to some anti-gay camp. With cold sweat running down my back in small beads I felt that I needed to do something so I got up and went to my room to change into something comfortable. Entering my room I glanced at the computer screen in front Eric, late introduction I know but that's the name of my brother. We never really got along, even when we were small, and I resented the fact that we kind of resembled each other. Both of us share the same hair color, chestnut brown, and similar hair cuts, semi-short and a little spiky. I guess the biggest difference is our height, he's taller than me at 15 and it's kind of hard to swallow that I probably wont grow much more now that I'm 17 years old. I guess I have to get used to the fact that I will always be on the shorter side, a lot of the girls at school is taller than me. Hopefully some guys find dwarfs cute or something.

When the only thing I saw at the computer screen was a word document I quietly sighed in relief and walked to my closet. I got a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt and started changing. When I started to take of my socks, I like being barefoot at home for some reason, I heard my moms voice shouting up the stairs.

“Mark!” That's me, even later introduction, heh. “Eric! It's dinner!” Her voice boomed trough the house, for someone so short and skinny she sure knew how to sound big.

“OK, coming!” I yelled back and started to walk out of the room, throwing a quick glance at the computer screen. Still only that word document, I hoped Eric didn't need to google something, that may trigger any homepages starting with “g” as in “gay” to show up as suggestions. Walking down the stairs I realized I was still wearing one sock. Shrugging, I went down to the stairs to the kitchen and seated myself at the table.

“Hey Mark, had a good day?” My father said, but I knew he wasn't really interested, it was just a question he was supposed to ask, us being family and all.

“Yeah, sure” I answered. “Went to the mall with Leslie.”

“She's your girlfriend?” he asked. My mother looked up, suddenly interested.

“Eh, no. Why? Can't a girl and a boy just be friends?”

“Well, I suppose, but isn't that a little queer?” he snorted. It was comments like these that I had started to dread. I never really knew how to respond when he said things like that.

I was relieved when I noticed Eric entering the kitchen, thinking that I wouldn't have to answer. That relief lasted just a short while until I saw the look on his face. He was staring intently at my face, as if searching for something, and his face was a mask of utter disbelief. Knowing something was wrong but not ready to immediately jump to the worst possible conclusion I stared back with an asking look on my face. The cold sweat started once again and I could feel my pulse rising making my blood transport adrenalin which made my hands shake slightly. I tried to hide my nervousness by drinking some water, still studying my brothers face, waiting for something to happen. After a short moment of us just looking each other in the eye he blurted out that one question that I was so afraid of hearing.

“Why do you have gay porn in you computer?” The silence afterward was deafening. In hindsight, leave it to my asshole brother to out me in front of the whole family.

“E-Er... Um.” Was all I could come up with, I think I must have blanked out a little at that moment because I have no recollection of what went trough my head at that time.

Then I remembered the rest of my family and shoot a look at my parents faces. They looked surprised but not angry, well it had only been a few seconds since my brothers question even though it felt like ages to me.

“G-Gay porn?” My mother asked with disbelief in her voice. “That can't be right.”

“Must be some kind of virus, right Mark?” My father said. “I know I'm not good at computers and stuff but surely that's possible right? I mean it's not like you are interested in gay porn.” He chuckled, not in amuse but just to somehow lighten the mood and make the whole thing seem like on big joke. I guess that's what he wanted it to be.

It would've been so easy to lie. I just had to agree with him. Yeah, a virus, haha, some computer guys attempt at a joke. No of course I'm straight as an arrow, you know me, the son of the macho man. Somehow when I tried to speak nothing would come out, it felt like had swallowed sand. And somehow I knew that the only thing I would be able to say was the truth. It was time. I think I was tired of the lies at that point, so tired that I even ditched the possibility of an easy way out that my father offered me. When I opened my mouth it felt automatic, like I couldn't control myself.

“I'm gay.”

The room fell silent once again but this time there was more than surprise visible in the faces of my parents. Especially my father wore a mask of shock, anger and some denial. Slowly I saw the shocked part of his expression subsiding but that left more room for the anger to show on his face. And it showed, big time. He was red in the face and his jaws were clenching together, it almost looked comical. Almost.

“No...” he choked on the word. “No son of mine is...” it seemed like he was unable to finish the sentence.

The shock I was feeling suddenly changed into fear. I never trusted my dad wholeheartedly and I could honestly say that I didn't know if he was capable of hitting me or not. When I saw no support from either my mother or brother that fear changed into panic. I guess what prompted me to run out into the snow with no jacket was the way my father started to shorten the distance between us, fist clenched. I didn't even look back once.

And that's how I ended up on that snowy road, pale-faced and in a state och shock and panic. The streetlamp flickered now and then and the snow gave off a bluish light. I had no idea what time it was and how far I away from home I was. My breath started to catch up and the queasy feeling in my stomach was subsiding just a little bit. When I finally let myself look up I realized that I knew where I was, almost outside Leslie's house, and I also realized that even though I couldn't feel it until now I was really cold. My fingers was even a little blue in the dim light of the streetlamp. Desperate for some warmth and unable to go home, it was quite a walk even if I was welcome back home, I started to walk towards Leslie's house.

I got as far as to her front door before I started to have doubts about what I was doing, I didn't want to explain the state I was in but I didn't know what else to do, so I took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell. The sound of the doorbell gave made me feel like I've reached a point of no return.

I could hear someone inside the house run down the stairs and soon I heard the click of the lock and the door opened revealing Leslie dressed in pajamas with an ice cream motif, her blond hair tied up in a bun on top of her head. She had a toothbrush in her mouth. It was odd seeing her without makeup, then again her shocked expression suggested I made an even stranger sight.

“Hey” was all I got out before I started to sniffle and for the second time tonight I was crying uncontrollably. My whole body quaked now and then and I barely noticed it when Leslie held me tight, my chin on her shoulder.

“Oh Mark, what happened?” I could hear the concern in her voice and I despite my former unwillingness to explain the situation I was in I could hear myself starting to talk, relief coming with every word.

“I- I can't go home” It was hard even forming the words and I spoke very softly but she had no problem hearing me since my mouth was just inches away from her ear. “T-They found o-out”

“Found out what?” she asked, I knew she was frowning from the tone of her voice.

“They f-found out t-that I'm...” I still had doubts but I knew I would say it anyways, I couldn't control myself both physically and emotionally anymore. “That I-I'm g-gay”

“Oh” She said, unable to conceal her surprise but she didn't question me further considering the state I was in. “Oh, Mark... Come inside, you're freezing.”

I followed her inside, still looking like a freaking waterfall probably, and she lead me upstairs to a room. As soon as I saw the bed I realized just how tired I was, exhausted really, and then Leslie spoke again.

“Mark, it's really late so we'll talk about this tomorrow. Mom and Dad are away on a trip but they'll come back tomorrow so until we can talk to them you can stay here.” She gave me a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. “I love you, OK? You don't have to go back home for now, goodnight.” She smiled but I could see the worry on her face.

As soon as my head hit the pillow I was sleeping, and for the first time in a couple of hours, I relaxed.