Snowy Road - 5. Chapter 5 - Pent Up Feelings and Sudden Outbursts

Chapter 5 – Pent Up Feelings and Sudden Outbursts

I seated myself in the front seat of the car, closing the passenger door quickly. The wind was harsh outside and I shuddered from cold even though it wasn't far from the apartment complex to the parking lot. Adam opened the door on the other side and seated himself in the drivers seat.

“Brrr” he said with a grimace. “Don't worry, this baby has a decent heater.” He smiled at me and turned the engine on.

It took a minute before the effects of the heater were noticeable, even the seats of the car were cold, but after a while my body temperature was back to normal again. I looked out the window as we drove out of the parking lot, every time there was a gust the top layer of the snow would join the wind and it almost looked like tiny sandstorms flew across the street. I turned my attention back to Adam.

“They said seven o'clock, right?” I asked. I hate to be late to any appointment, maybe it's because I don't want people to think of me as a bother.

“Yep, seven sharp. Not that it matters if we're late, the food will probably only be half ready when we arrive anyways. Dad always makes a fuzz about everything, so much that he slows down the whole process.” Adam said while letting out a soft laugh.

Leslie's parents had called us yesterday, inviting us over for Sunday dinner. They made it sound like an event of some sorts, Sunday's were just like any other days in my family. It sounded kind of nice though, to gather the family for a small celebration every week. I doubted that it would be enjoyable with my family even if we tried it. I could picture all of us, seated around the dinner table. Dad would have a stern expression on his face while alternating his concentration between his food and the TV. Mom would probably make random comments about the weather or tell us about her charity work, not even expecting us to answer. Eric and I would both eat in silence, as we always did, waiting for the torment to end. It was probably for the best that we never picked up this tradition, regular dinners wasn't that fun with them so why would Sunday dinners be any different?

Leslie's family was a whole other matter though. I liked all of them and it felt nice to be included in their small circle. They were the closest thing to a family that I had at the moment, the fact that they weren't the real thing made me sad though. I missed my real family, it was dysfunctional at best but it was my family. Damn it. I wanted to forget about them, to just let them go, because they pushed me away and naturally don't deserve my attention. But I couldn't help myself, even though it hurt. I caught myself, from time to time, wondering what they were doing. Did they even miss me? I had this hurtful idea in my head that they were enjoying my absence.

Adam turned on the radio and the car was suddenly flooded with California Girls by Katy Perry, cheery pop music didn't really reflect my mood at the moment but I started to laugh when Adam decided to do his own off key rendition of the song. He couldn't keep his face straight when he sang the last verse in a higher pitch and soon we were both laughing hard.

We were slightly late when we arrived at Leslie's house, not late enough to make me bothered though. Adam took the lead as we walked up to the front door, I didn't want to waltz in like I owned the place. That was exactly what Adam did though.

“Hello! Dinner better be ready, we're starving!” He called out while taking off his shoes.

“Not yet, your dad forgot to buy salad, he'll be back soon though.” Leslie's mom appeared in the hallway, giving us a each a hug. “How are you, Mark?” she asked, trying to hide her concern.

“I'm better” Not really, but telling her that wont solve anything. “Thanks for asking.”

“Anytime, sweetie.” she smiled warmly. “Is living with Adam working out for you? I know he can be a little bit of a slob.”

“Hey, I'm only a slob when I'm here!” Adam said, feigning hurt. ”By the way, Mark totally thinks I'm cool, he's my number one fan.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled at him, if only he knew how right he was. “Yeah, it's great living there. Adam's a pain in the ass though.” I laughed at his shocked expression when he saw his step-mom nodding, an understanding expression on her face.

I heard the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs and soon Leslie joined us in the hallway. She didn't look like her usual self, she was actually wearing a nervous expression. I noticed that she was fidgeting, her hands caressing the hem of her blouse. After hugging Adam, she turned to look at me and she searched my face with her eyes.

“Hey, Mark” she said with a slight smile. “Uhm, can I talk to you? In my room.” she added and she bit her lip when I nodded.

We walked up the stairs, Leslie in the lead, and entered her room. She sat down on the bed and I seated myself in the beanbag next to it. Her expression had changed from nervous to scared but I didn't push her, if anyone knew how hard it could be to say certain things it was me.

“I'm sorry” she said suddenly and I could see tears running down her cheeks. “I don't deserve to be your friend. You trusted me with your secret and what's the first thing I do? I fuck it all up.” She was sniffling now and I knew I should comfort her in some way but I suddenly had no idea what to do, Leslie wasn't someone I was used to see crying.

“I'm so stupid!” She was getting kind of loud and I rose up to sit next to her. I took her hand and moved it to my lap, gently caressing it. She was crying hard and I was getting more and more uncomfortable by the minute.

“You know” she continued “I'm not good with handling difficult stuff. I always try to talk about other things or I joke about it, as if that would make it all better. I guess that's what I was doing when I slipped up.” She took a large gulp of air before she spoke again.

“I betrayed you.” she said softly, I barely heard her even though we were sitting next to each other. “I... I don't know what I was thinking, saying that to Amanda and Steve. I wasn't thinking. And then I... I told Amanda where you live.” She looked at me, her face was a distorted mask of guilt.

“It went OK, they know now, and they're cool with it.” I said. She looked a little relieved when I said that, I guess she hadn't heard anything from them.

“That doesn't excuse what I did though, what if they didn't take it well?! You didn't want to talk to them, I forced you to do it when I told her the address!” She was practically shaking with sobs at this point and I turned a little so that I could hug her.

We sat there for quite a while, Leslie was still crying and I was drawing circles on her back with my thumb. I wondered if she'd pent all of these feelings up ever since she accidentally told Steve and Amanda that I lived with her brother. It took some time but Leslie finally stopped crying, or at least she didn't sob as hard anymore, I couldn't really tell since we were still hugging each other.

“Hey” I said in a low voice. “I forgive you, OK? I know you didn't mean to mess things up, don't worry about it anymore. Everything's fine now.” She seemed the relax when I said it, I heard her let out an audible sigh.

“OK.” she whispered. “I love you Mark.” She finally let go and I noticed that her makeup was messed up, especially around the eyes which seemed to be kind of bloodshot and red. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her nose was running a little.

“I love you too.” I smiled at her and she smiled back, still sniffling a little.

“So...” she said, her voice was thick. “I think I need to compose myself some more before I go downstairs, go join Mom and Adam, I'll be down in a minute.” I nodded, gave her one more hug and walked out of the room.

I didn't go downstairs directly though. Standing at the top of the stair case I closed my eyes and just breathed. I thought about everything that had happened, it was so much in so little time and some of it hurt to think about while some events made me smile. Conflicting emotions surged trough my body but I felt that even though the break with my family had been horrible, the good outweighed the bad at the moment. My friends were still with me, despite knowing about my secret. I had a place to live, a job to pay for it and I had Adam. I didn't know if Adam would good or bad for me in the long run though, he supported and took care of me but I hoped that my feelings for him wouldn't destroy what we had at the moment. If possible, I wanted to just push those feelings away and remain nothing more than his friend. It all depended on if I slipped up or not I guess.

Opening my eyes, I walked down the stairs and into the kitchen where the rest of the family were busy with preparing dinner. Leslie's parents were trying to figure out how to get the steak out of the oven without dropping it on the floor and Adam was chopping tomatoes with a speed that indicated how hungry he was by now.

“Hello Mark” Leslie's dad said, looking a little stressed. “How are y... No, don't hold it like that! You'll spill the sauce!” Leslie's mom just rolled her eyes and stopped whatever she was trying to do.

“Then I'll let the expert handle it.” she said, sarcasm dripping from every word. “Could you help me set the table Mark? I think we'll use the larger plates tonight.” I nodded at her, trying to keep myself from chuckling. Adam was right, his dad did fuzz.

Joining forces, me and Leslie's mom where able to set the table in record time. The only interruption was when Leslie's dad decided to come by and show us how to fold napkins, as if we'd never done it before. I liked that he was so involved with everything we did though, my dad didn't care about such things. Stop it! Don't think about them.

Leslie joined us as we carried the food to the table, she had managed to hide some of the swelling around her eyes with makeup but her mom noticed and shot her a we'll-talk-later look. We seated ourselves around the table, I noticed that they didn't say grace or anything, and Leslie's dad urged me to start while he pushed a bowl of potatoes towards me.

“How's apartment-life going for you?” Leslie's dad asked when we all had food on our plates. “Adam's there for you, right? He hasn't left you alone too much? I mean, if he just ran away with some friends while you're getting used to living away from home I don't know what I'd...”

“Dad, don't talk about me like I'm not sitting next to you.” Adam said, looking both annoyed and amused. “Besides, give Mark time to answer.” he added while rolling his eyes.

“Oh, right... Uh, what did I ask you first?” he said while frowning, trying to remember.

Adam had been there for me all right. He comforted me when I broke down after meeting my father and he helped me to get trough that conversation with my friends. I don't know how I would have managed without him.

“It's great” I said. “Adam's great. Um, I mean he's helped me a lot.” I smiled, hoping that he wouldn't ask me any questions about the things I needed help with. That would be kind of awkward. Even though I'm sure they would understand, I still didn't want to talk about it. Leslie's dad gave Adam a proud look before he started to tell us some story about how he nearly got stuck with the car in a ditch while driving home from the grocery store.

The Sunday dinner was pleasant, I liked eating with Adam, just the two of us, but sometimes I wanted to feel the comfort that only a family can give you. Leslie and Adam was bantering in a friendly way, both trying to come up with the best come back, and their parents were talking about everything between heaven and earth. I had no idea how they all managed to constantly come up with things to talk about and include me in the conversation at the same time. It was nice though, that they made an effort.

When all of us had our hunger satisfied, Leslie's parents started to gather the dishes and take them to the kitchen. I offered to help but they waved me down so I joined in on Adams and Leslie's conversation. Pretty soon they started to talk about me, even though I was sitting there, and Adam wanted to know about any embarrassing moments I've had. Despite my protests, I didn't really mind it though and I think it showed, they were soon laughing hard about the time when I'd hugged a girl from behind because I mistook her for Leslie.

During the drive home, Adam would occasionally start to chuckle. After a while, I asked what he thought was so funny and he told me that he was thinking back on the stories he'd heard about me. I blushed a little and punched his arm, he just laughed when he heard me mutter about how I would use Leslie to dig up the dirt of his past.

I woke up Monday morning with a sudden unexplainable energy. I felt good, I didn't really know why but it was a nice change. Throwing off my covers I sat up and looked at the clock, shocked that I wasn't my usual tired self at 6:30am. I walked trough the dark apartment and opened the bathroom door, looking forward to a warm shower before breakfast. I came to an abrupt halt when my eyes connected with Adam's stormy gray ones. He was standing in the middle of the steamy bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. I stared at his barely defined abs for a second too long and flinched when I heard his voice.

“Like what you see?” he asked, laughter in his voice. His eyebrows were raised and he had a smile on his lips.

“Uh... Sorry” I replied before quickly shutting the door. Oh my god.

I walked to the kitchen, occupying myself with preparing coffee. I could feel that I was blushing, my face was warm, and my hands were shaking slightly. God, why did you make me embarrassment-prone? Not knowing what else to do, I just sat on the counter while watching the first drops of coffee hit the bottom of the pan. I was a little scared, I didn't want him to realize how I felt for him. I reminded myself that he couldn't possibly have figured it out just because of this incident, but who knew what would happen in the future? I had to be careful.

“Mark? You can use the shower now if you want!” I jumped down from the counter and walked to the other room. He smiled when I passed him and I tried not to look too much at his body, he was only wearing boxers now.

The hot water managed to bring back my good mood, the good thing about embarrassment is that it only lasts for a little while, at least if the cause of it isn't that bad. After I'd dried myself and put on some clothes I walked into the kitchen and found Adam sitting at the table, eating a sandwich. I poured myself some coffee, before making a sandwich of my own, and sat down on the opposite end of the small table. We ate in silence, of the comfortable kind, the only sound in the apartment was that of chewing mouths and the occasional yawn from Adam.

When my coffee cup was empty and my food eaten I rose up, putting the cup in the sink, and walked to my bedroom to pack my backpack for school. Believe it or not but I was actually looking forward to school, maybe because I didn't have to avoid my friends anymore. When I'd packed all the books I needed for the day, the ones who weren't in my locker already, I walked back to the kitchen. Adam stood at the kitchen counter, putting away breakfast ingredients in the fridge.

“I'm going to school now.” I declared and smiled at him. “See you later?”

“Yeah, I'll be home around dinner time. If I'm late maybe you can make dinner tonight? I was thinking spaghetti... Whatever, I'll call you if I'm late.” The corners of his lips curled up when he added “I'll try to make it in time, I really don't want to try the cooking of a 17 year old...”

“Shut up, you're a kitchen disaster yourself!” That was a lie and he knew it but he just laughed and ruffled my slightly damp hair.

“See you later shorty.”

I was a little early when I crossed the school parking. There was approximately forty minutes left before the first lesson and it felt weird to be at school this early. I wasn't known to be brisk in the morning. I walked over the school yard, past the big oak in the middle, and entered the front doors of the school. The corridors were practically empty and my steps echoed as I walked. Yep, definitely weird to be here so early.

I walked up to my locker and took out my English textbook before I pushed in my jacket, the lockers were definitely a little too small for winter jackets, damn school budget. I looked around the hall, still empty, and thought that it wouldn't hurt to sit outside the classroom, I had nothing better to do really. I started to walk down the hall and after a minute I noticed a girl walking my way. After a few seconds I recognized her as Sarah. Sarah was one of those friends that you slowly drift away from. She was still my friend 'on paper', so to speak, but we didn't do more than greet each other in the halls. Our greetings were a little special though, we always high-fived when we met. I have no idea who started it, but you could call it our 'thing'.

As we got closer to each other I raised my hand a little, prepared for the high-five, but I saw that she was looking down at the floor as she walked.

“Hey, Sarah!” I called out so that she would notice me, my hand still halfway raised.

And notice me she did. Her face underwent a series of transformation beginning with surprise and ending with disgust. Huh? Did I do something wro...

“Don't touch me!” The sudden outburst made me go rigid. I was pretty shocked because it wasn't like her at all to raise her voice. Especially not at me.

“What?” I said, blinking with surprise. “Sarah, what's wrong?”

“Seriously! Just... Just stay away from me!” She looked like she was panicking, it made no sense.

Until I heard the one word that explained it all.

“Faggot.” She said it as a whisper but I still heard that her voice was a mixture of disgust and disbelief.

I stared at her back as she strode down the corridor. It was suddenly much harder than usual to breath, as if someone had punched me in my stomach. What? How did she know? That wasn't the most urgent question though, I suddenly realized.

Who told her?