Snowy Road - 7. Chapter 7 - Broken Bonds

Chapter 7 – Broken Bonds

Amanda was looking at me, eyebrows raised questioningly. I still had the phone in my hand with Leslie on the line, I'd forgotten all about her though. We stood for a while, just staring at each other, before Amanda decided to break the silence.

“Come on Mark, what are you doing?” She seemed to be in a hurry. I could see annoyance on her face but I didn't move. I continued to stare at her, searching her face for something, I didn't really know what though. Perhaps I just wanted to find answers. After a few moments I finally regained my voice.

“Did... did you do it?” I asked. I wanted her to deny it, to tell me that I was being an idiot for even suspecting her. I expected her to react that way. Amanda's eyes widened for a second, I barely even had the time to notice it, but then her expression turned nervous. She was being weird.

“What do you mean?” she asked and even though she tried to seem calm I could hear that her voice was a little strained. I didn't want to believe it was her but she was definitely acting strange at the moment.

“Are you the one who told Sarah?” This wasn't a question she could avoid by feigning ignorance. I looked her in the eyes, the fear in them betrayed her calm face.

She didn't respond at first, I just waited for her answer and the longer the silence drew on the more convinced it made me. I didn't want it to be her, I couldn't understand it if that really was the case. She was my friend, right? It just didn't make any sense that she was the one telling people. When she finally said something, her expression was less guarded and I could see fear and guilt but also resignation.

“I... when you told us... about you being gay.” she started. She was looking at the ground now, as if she couldn't manage to look me in the eyes. “I didn't understand it. Steve just supported it, he's always the supportive one, and I felt that... that I was supposed to do the same, that it was the right thing to do.”

I could hear what she was saying but my mind couldn't really comprehend it. I was so sure that my friends were fine with my sexuality, and now she was telling me that I'd been wrong. I didn't really want to hear what she would say next, I just wanted to run away and hide somewhere where I didn't have to deal with all this shit. But I didn't. I just stood there, staring at Amanda.

“But I couldn't understand it, I couldn't understand you anymore. Steve still likes girls so he's more... normal, but you... I don't know.” She was talking softly but I could still hear her. I didn't feel any anger, as I thought I would when I found the person who spread the rumor, I just felt empty. And confused.

“And then I went and told Sarah.” Amanda actually grimaced when she said this. “I didn't think she would tell anyone, that's why I was so angry before. She swore not to spread it.”

“Why did you tell her?” I asked, it was the first thing I'd said in a while. Amanda shot me a nervous look, she seemed to feel guilty but I didn't care. She could regret this all she wants but it was too late now.

“'Cause I needed to vent. I needed to talk about it... And both Leslie and Steve were so supportive, I couldn't talk to them...” She seemed hesitant to continue. “When I heard about that guy that confronted Steve, I got really angry 'cause I knew he must have heard it from Sarah and also because... I didn't want Steve to suffer... because of you...”

That made me react. What the hell was she saying?

“Because of me!? Are you saying it's my fault for being gay? You know, none of this would have happened if you just kept your mouth shut!” I was on my way to getting really pissed. How could she twist this whole situation into being my fault? It was unbelievable. Amanda flinched at my reaction, she had a shocked expression plastered on her face.

“No, I didn't mean it like that! It's just... I don't know what I meant, I'm so confused.” She averted her ayes from mine yet again. “You shouldn't have changed Mark. You were normal before and... I guess you're right, maybe I do blame you a little...”

“I've always been this way, I never 'changed'!” I was suppressing an urge to hit her, it wasn't like me to be violent but this was just too much to take.

“You know what? Fuck you Amanda. Why didn't you just be honest with me from the start? Did you really have to tell Sarah, and therefore the whole fucking school, instead? And, what the hell! Eric!? You were going to create an even bigger rift between me and my family just to cover up your fucking mistake!” Amanda didn't try to defend herself this time but I didn't expect her to, we both knew I was right.

She stared at her feet, that annoyed me since I wanted her to do something. I think I wanted her to apologize just so that I could turn her down. The silence dragged on. I must admit that I enjoyed seeing Amanda being this uncomfortable, I know that it was petty of me but at that moment I was too angry and too hurt to care. In the corner of my eye I could see Steve approaching us and I didn't want to go trough this all over again, so I started to walk away from the school. After a few steps I turned and faced Amanda one last time.

“I may have forgiven you if you didn't try to pull my family into this.” I said. I couldn't see her face, her back was turned to me. “We're over, Amanda.” I started to walk again, away from a person I would never forgive. Away from someone that I still considered a friend, on some level, but that had hurt me too much.

I started of walking to the apartment, it was the same usual road that I'd been walking on since I ran away from home, but as I reached the apartment complex I realized that the walk had been too short. I needed to get rid of all the energy, and emotions, that was rampaging trough my body. I was only a few meters from the lobby when I suddenly turned on the spot and started to walk north, towards the central parts of my town. As I settled in a comfortable but quick pace I felt as if I was doing something, like I had a purpose. Of course, I was just walking randomly but this still beat sitting still in my room.

I walked past the grocery store and actually contemplated if I could buy some food and then just escape. I had no idea where I would go but I figured I could take the train or bus, head to another town and then, if I was lucky, some hot guy would let me live in his apartment. Yeah, Adam was the only good thing happening lately and the only part of my current life that I wanted to keep with me. I knew I was being unfair, I still had Leslie and her parents, they'd been really good to me this weekend. And perhaps I still had Steve, though I didn't know that for sure since he was Amanda's boyfriend. I knew he supported me, he'd shown that today, but if he had to choose between me and the person he loves...

The person Steve loves. I hadn't thought about Amanda since I'd left the school parking. I tried to remember every part of our conversation and I reluctantly had to admit that, in some twisted way, I could understand how she'd acted. There had been a thought behind all of her actions and I didn't really think that she'd done any of this with malice. She was just, I'd realized now, a very selfish person. She made my sexuality a problem, her problem, and needed to vent to someone since it was so hard on her. Allow me to laugh. Then she didn't want to fess up as the rumor started to spread so she even went as far as to blame it on my brother, to protect herself. I don't think she thought about the consequences her actions had towards others, she just prioritized herself all the time.

I forced myself to stop thinking about her, it wouldn't do me any good anyways, so I just walked as I thought about better things. It was hard, there had been so much drama recently that every good thing that had happened somehow seemed to be connected to a bad one. Thinking about Adam, for example, made me think about how I ran away from home. I'd started to realize that I'd done nothing wrong regarding my family, that thought didn't make me feel better though. It would have been easier to deal with if I'd done something wrong, that way it would be my fault if they stopped loving me. I knew that thought didn't really make sense, parents should love unconditionally, but it was just how I felt and I couldn't change that.

I'd been walking for at least a couple of hours. The sun had gone down behind the horizon, early as usual during the winter. It was probably still before 4pm. I was in some kind of residential area with a lot of villas, all the houses seemed to have an idyllic air about them. When I got a bit further down the road I noticed someone walking my way, I didn't really pay attention to my surroundings though and would have walked by the person if he didn't call out to me.

“Mark? What are you doing here?” Steve looked surprised, he had a reason to be though. The apartment was on the other side of town.

“Oh... Hi. Just walking I guess.” I didn't know if Steve knew about Amanda, and even if he did, I had no idea what he thought about it. All this made me a little insecure around him. Steve was quiet for a few seconds before he spoke.

“My house is really close... why don't you come over?”

He looked worried, the theme of the day, and I thought about refusing. I worried about myself all the time nowadays, I didn't really need other people to do the same. I know, ungrateful is my name, but I was just tired of always being the receiver of other peoples concern. On the other hand, if Steve was going to side with Amanda then I would rather know it sooner than later. I wanted all the bad stuff to just be over as quickly as possible.

“Sure” I said, trying to sound casual, I'm not sure if it worked or not. Steve just nodded at that and we walked side by side, both silent. After a while, we reached Steve's house. It was painted pastel yellow and the garden surrounding the house was probably pretty impressive during the warmer seasons. We walked up to the front door, I watched as Steve pulled out a set of keys and unlocked it.

I don't know how to fully describe Steve's house. The walls were painted in earthly colors and his parents seemed to have a fondness for small things, kind of like souvenirs perhaps. The rooms were full of stuff to look at, for example, there was a model of a little rowing boat on the sofa table next to some small candle holders. Small stuff like that could be find everywhere, I could probably live there for a month and still find things I've never seen before. It didn't look messy though, for some reason, the rooms just looked cozy and original. If I had to explain his house in one sentence, I would probably say that it looked like a tea-drinkers home. And then I mean the kind that reads a book while sipping tea from one of those huge cups.

We took off our shoes and jackets in Steve's hallway before I followed him to the kitchen. I seated myself on one of the kitchen chairs while Steve prepared coffee. I knew that we would have to talk but for the moment we were comfortable with each others silence, both of us probably had a lot to think about after today. When the coffee was done, Steve poured two cups and seated himself on the opposite side of the table. He stared at me for a few moments, I couldn't really decipher the expression he was wearing.

“We broke up.” he said suddenly, still looking into my eyes.

“Huh?”

“Me and Amanda. We broke up.” His eyes turned down to his coffee, I could see that he looked tired, and sad. “I was the one who did it, even though I love her, she... she's just not the person I thought she was. I heard what she did, and I might have been OK with it if she regretted it... but, she actually wanted me to take her side.”

He looked up at me and I saw how hurt he was from all of this, his outside reflected my inside.

“I want you to know that I couldn't do that.” he said after a momentary pause. I stared at him for a few seconds before I realized that it was my turn to speak.

“Thank you... and I'm sorry it turned out this way.” I said softly, it was all I could think of.

He'd chosen my side, over his girlfriends. Ex-girlfriend. I felt both happy and sad at the same time. Happy that Steve still supported me, I'd been more worried than I wanted to admit about that. But I was sad that he'd been hurt in the process, and also because we'd both lost someone who mattered to us.

“I'm sorry too.” Steve said and we both went back to being silent.

Steve was fidgeting with a napkin, he seemed to be lost in his own thoughts as he stared out the window. I was observing him as well as the room, as I've said there's a lot to look at in Steve's house. The silence wasn't awkward in any way, it was like we didn't feel the need to talk to each other. It felt like we were comrades now, in some way, and there was nothing to be said anymore about Amanda. We'd probably been silent for about ten minutes, occasionally sipping our coffee, when Steve suddenly rose from his seat.

“Wanna play a game?” I looked up at him in surprise, I guess he was fed up with being depressed and stuff.

“Sure... why not.”

I think that afternoon was good for the both of us. We momentarily forgot about all the shit that happened during the day. What started out as a video-game competition soon changed into a discussion about music before we even noticed it. We talked about a lot of things that day and breached all kinds of subjects; like memories of when we were small, astronomy, soccer, animal rights, the economic situation in Europe and many more. I even told him how I felt about Adam. It was something I hadn't told anyone before, I didn't want to tell Leslie for obvious reasons, and it felt good to finally say how I felt out loud. Steve didn't give me any advice on how to deal with the situation, he seemed to realize that I just wanted him to listen. I was grateful for that.

Time flew by and before I even noticed, it was already six o'clock. I told Steve that I'd better get going before it gets too late and he offered to walk me to the bus stop. We continued to talk about random topics as we walked side by side down the road. We'd never really hung out, just the two of us, before. Amanda had always been with us and I think that she hindered our friendship a little, we hadn't been able to talk like this because of the need to entertain a third party. Steve made me relax, there was no need to talk about anything serious, and I think he was what I needed at that point. Talking with Adam would have meant explaining the situation, not something that I wanted to do at the moment. And Leslie would have been too worried about me to actually help, I would've been tense if she was the person walking next to me. No, Steve was good for me right then, and I think I was equally good for him.

We arrived at the bus stop after a few minutes walk, I almost didn't want to leave but we both had different homes to return to. After waiting for a little while, we saw the bus approaching. Steve hugged me goodbye, it wasn't one of those pat-on-the-back kind of hugs, it was a genuine one and I think we both needed the comfort it gave. The bus ride took a while, I had to change bus at the bus terminal near the mall, and it was almost 6:40pm when I walked up to the lobby of the apartment complex.

I unlocked the front door to the apartment and was immediately met with the scent of Italian food. As I walked into the kitchen I saw Adam standing near the stove, he was cooking pasta with tomato sauce and I suddenly realized how hungry I was. I'd skipped lunch after all. Without a word, I strode up to him and hugged him.

“What's up with you?” he asked with laughter in his voice. I didn't answer at first, I just embraced him a little harder before I let go.

“Sorry, long day.” I smiled at him. “I'll help set the table.”

With Adam, Leslie and Steve behind my back, I thought, I might be able to get trough this.