Snowy Road - 6. Chapter 6 - Fear and Humiliation

Chapter 6 – Fear and Humiliation

You know how it is with rumors in movies? As soon as someone finds out a secret, or something equally tasty rumor-wise, the whole school knows it in less than three nanoseconds. It doesn't really work that way. In reality, rumors often spread slowly. They get passed on during recess or lunch and it takes some time for them to bridge the gaps between the different social cliques that makes up the High School canvas. I didn't know that.

I was a paranoid mess during English class. Every time someone came up to me, or even walked by my seat, I steeled myself for an attack of some sorts. I even expected the teacher to announce that they'd have to put me in a separate classroom since homosexuals don't mix with other high school students. Then I realized that I was being absurd, this is the modern times, dawn of Aquarius and stuff like that. That thought might have been comforting in college, where everyone is pretty much grown up, but High School mentality is often stuck at a prehistoric level. The teachers are in most cases sensible adults but among the students you have to be just like everybody else, or face the consequences.

Halfway into the lesson, I was pretty surprised that nothing had happened yet but that fact only made me more unsettled. Everyone behaved normally around me, they probably didn't know anything yet, but I knew that someone had to know my secret. Just like Sarah, there would most likely be more unexpected enemies, still lurking in the shadows.

I think my feelings must have showed a little because Leslie kept shooting me worried glances every now and then, but I ignored her. Partly because I wasn't able to give her a reassuring smile or gesture, I was not fine, but also because I was busy stalking out potential gay-bashers.

As soon as class was over I quickly put my books in my bag and started to walk out of the classroom, I desperately needed to get out of there since the big group of students distressed me. As I walked past my classmates I imagined that they were all watching me, I wouldn't know though since I held my gaze at the door. Leslie caught up with me as soon as I left the classroom behind and she wordlessly took me by my arm. She dragged me to a less crowded part of the corridor before she suddenly turned on the spot.

“OK, what's going on?” she whispered, shooting veritable rays of worry from her eyes.

“She knows.” I whispered back, suddenly feeling choked up. I think what happened this morning hadn't really caught up with me until I was forced to talk about it. I didn't want to cry in the middle of the school though, so I tried my best to hold it in.

“Who knows what?” she asked in a soft voice. She probably had an idea about 'what' but needed me to confirm it.

“Sarah... she called me a...” I cringed when I said the following word. “A faggot.”

“Shit...” Leslie's eyes went wide. “Shit... that bitch! But... oh, shit!”

“Yeah... Shit sounds about right.” I said before I swallowed, still pushing back the tears that threatened to break out.

We both jumped when there was a sudden noise coming from Leslie's handbag. She searched the bag, it seemed to be filled to the brim with junk like old receipt and I think I even saw a flashlight, before she pulled out her cellphone. She looked at the screen for a few moments before handing it to me.

From: Steve

“Seems like Sarah isn't the only one who knows.” Leslie said with a frown. Fear spread from my chest throughout my whole body. How many knows by now? After a while I realized that I'd been zoning out and I blinked a few times, the pressure behind my eyes was increasing.

“We... we should go meet them. I need to know who told him.” I said after a few moments. Leslie looked at me with concern, I expected her to tell me to skip school and go home but she just nodded.

The oak in the middle of the school yard is impressive. The crown of the tree spreads out widely in all directions and during the warmer seasons students gather under the branches to eat lunch or just hang out. Today, it was deserted due to the snow and the cold. As we approached the oak we could see two figures standing near the trunk of the tree. I immediately recognized them as Amanda and Steve despite the fact that they wore thick clothes and mufflers that partly covered their faces.

“Did you hear about it?” Amanda said as soon as we got close. She had a weird expression on her face, I couldn't really decipher it but she seemed pretty unsettled.

“Uh... yeah, Sarah kind of... she called me a faggot.” I said, trying to sound calm. I was determined not to show how much this affected me.

“A guy in my class came up to me this morning” Steve said, his concern apparent in every word. “He asked me how I could...” He looked at me with uncertainty before he continued.

“How I could be friends with... a fag.”

Amanda's face suddenly became easier to read. She was pissed, and not in the normal sense, she actually looked like she was capable of murdering someone. I must admit that it was pretty scary to see her like this, I was used to see her being all cheery and stuff.

“This sucks!” Steve's sudden outburst made me jump. “Who told him about you?”

That was the question with a capital 'Q'. I didn't really believe that one of my friends would tell on me, Leslie regretted her slip up way too much to repeat it and neither Amanda or Steve were the types to tell anyone, even by accident.

“I don't think you guys told anyone, but someone did.” I tried to sound as convincing as possible. I needed them to know that I still trusted them. Both Leslie and Steve smiled at that but Amanda still seemed to be angry.

“We'll support you Mark, and besides, I don't think that the rumor has spread too far yet.” Steve said, his voice was calm again but he kept shooting worried glanced at Amanda, she was fuming. “Only two have said anything about it so far, it's only a matter of time though...”

We all went silent after that. There was nothing we could do, now that some people knew about my secret they would eventually tell others. After a moment of silence we all heard the bell ring, we would all have to go to our different classes soon.

“I'm going to investigate this.” Amanda said with conviction. “I don't know who started this rumor but I'll find that fucker.” She stormed off towards the school, her very steps seemed to radiate her anger.

“Uhm.” Leslie said after a few seconds. “Amanda seemed kind of... different.”

“Yeah... she's been weird for some days now, it's like she's annoyed all the time.” Steve said uncertainly. “We've been having some problems lately, it feels like I don't even know who she is anymore.” He seemed a little sad, I don't think I've ever seen him down before.

“Oh... sorry to hear that.” I said. It sounded cliché even in my ears but I didn't really know what else to say.

We walked back to the school building, the cold made us shudder but if I had a choice I would stay out there. Where I was safe. As we walked trough the corridor I went back to being my paranoid self. I couldn't trust anyone except my friends anymore, everyone around me was a possible threat. I had no idea how I would manage the rest of my High School days like this. Nothing substantial had really happened since Sarah but I was already exhausted, and it wasn't even lunch yet. I thought about changing schools if things went bad but then I realized that I would need my parents consent for that. Not happening. Besides, they probably wouldn't even sign anything for me even if I tried to meet them, out of spite. I would have to do this without any help from them, if they didn't want me then I didn't want them.

After we had all the books we needed, I parted with my friends. Art was one of those classes that I would have to attend without them. It scared me, I felt that I desperately needed their company and protection right now. My body seemed to work against me, the closer I got to my classroom the slower I walked. It was as if my legs were made of lead. I entered the art classroom, too soon for my liking, and seated myself close to the door since it felt safer to have an escape route prepared. The class room smelled like paint, before today that scent had been nice according to me but now it just made the air harder to breath. I looked around the classroom and I could see a group of guys talking, they seemed to be glancing at me from time to time. One of them gave me a mean look when he noticed me watching them and I quickly turned my head. My heart was pounding with fear, I was pretty sure I knew what they were talking about, and I was about to grab my bag and leave when I saw the teacher enter the room.

I was on edge throughout the whole lesson, I barely noticed what I was painting. Probably something that resembled 'The Scream' by Edvard Munch. I was waiting for the guys that talked earlier to suddenly drag me out of the classroom as soon as the teacher wasn't looking. Occasionally, I could see them looking at me and I couldn't really read their expressions. Except for the one that gave me a mean look before, he was grinning, and I feared that he planned to do something to me.

As soon as the bell rang, telling us that it was time for lunch, I practically ran out of the classroom as fast as I could. Speeding up the stairs, I nearly fell straight on my face but managed to grab the stair railing just in time. I forced myself to calm down a little when I realized that in my fear of getting beat up, I almost lost my teeth to the stairs instead. I jogged to my locker, in a slower pace than before, and took out my jacket. I didn't care anymore, I was going home. School was way too distressing at the moment and the rumors were only starting to spread. I had no idea what I would do when everyone knew, but right know, I couldn't take it anymore. The only thing left was to go to the cafeteria, it was close to the exit of the school anyways, and tell my friends that I was leaving for the day.

I entered the cafeteria and started to search the room for my friends. There were quite a lot of students already seated at the tables despite how fast I'd been in getting there and I couldn't seem to find any of my friends. It wasn't until a few minutes later that I saw Steve walking through the doors. He quickly noticed me, I guess it could have been the fact that I was wearing my winter jacket.

“Why are you wearing that? Are you going home?” he asked with a concerned expression.

“Yeah... I cant take it anymore, I'm leaving for the day.” He looked at me with worry in his eyes before he responded.

“Did something happen? Did anyone do anything?” Yes. No. I don't know. Does shooting looks count? Before I could respond I felt something hit the back of my head. It took me a second to notice the feeling of something cold and liquid make it's way down the back of my neck.

What the f...

I touched the back of my head and looked down at my hand, on it seemed to be something pink and thick. It looked like smoothie. As my eyes turned to the floor I saw a plastic cup, the kind that has a lid. The cup had a crack on the side due to the collision and there was smoothie all over the floor and on my jacket.

Without a word, I started to walk out of the cafeteria in a quick pace. I barely noticed that Steve was following me. The students in the corridor shot me strange looks but I didn't know if it was because of the smoothie or because of my sexuality, I didn't really care which at the moment. Opening the door to the boys bathroom, I strode over to the paper holder near the sinks. I started to pull out tissues with a force that seemed to make Steve nervous.

“Are you oka-”

“NO! I'm NOT okay!” I saw Steve flinch in the mirror. He actually seemed to be scared of me.“I'm so fucking humiliated!”

Steve was biting the bottom of his lip, apparently deciding that it was in his best interest to stay silent for the moment.

“How could someone do that!? Just because of a fucking rumor! They don't even know if it's true!”

My hands were gripping the sides of a sink and I noticed that they were shaking. Shortly, I also noticed the tears that were dripping down on the porcelain. It didn't take long before my sobs were echoing in the bathroom. My shoulders were shaking, it was embarrassing to cry this hard in front of someone else but I couldn't stop myself at this point. Steve stayed quiet but after a few moments I felt him taking off my jacket. He took the tissues from my hand and started to wipe my neck and the back of my head. It took quite a lot of time and the trashcan was soon filled with pink-colored tissues. When he was done I was beginning to calm down a little. I watched as he wiped my jacket clean and I even let him wipe the tears off my cheeks.

“Sorry” I said, my voice thick and raspy but he just smiled and shook his head.

“Nothing to be sorry for, man.” I gave him a small smile, it was all I was capable of, before I took the rest of the tissues he was holding and wiped the corners of my eyes. I was calmer now, crying seemed to have helped me release the tension I'd been building up throughout the day.

Suddenly, the sound of my cellphone filled the room. Steve searched the pockets of my jacket before he found it. He looked at the screen, his eyebrows raised in surprise, before he handed me the cellphone.

“It's Amanda” he said with a curious look on his face.

“Hello?” I hoped she didn't notice that my voice was a little thick, I was pretty embarrassed for crying in school.

“Hey Mark.” Her voice had a certain seriousness about it, it made me a little nervous. “I found out who started the rumors.”

“Who was it?” I asked, after a while, closing my eyes. Now that I was about to find out I realized that I was actually scared, scared of knowing who hated me so much.

“I asked Sarah about it and she said that Eric told her little brother.”

I was shocked, don't ask me why because my brother had already shown his true colors when he outed me to my family. But that he actually wanted to harm me so much that he did this kind of thing twice... Besides, this time it would be on a much larger scale than before.

“Mark?” Amanda said after a while, I realized that I'd been silent for quite a while. “I'm at the school parking lot. I'm going to take the bus to the Junior High, to confront him. Are you coming with me?

“Yeah... I'll come.” I hung up on her and picked up my jacket. Steve looked at me questioningly when I put it on.

“Amanda found out who spread the rumor.” I said, zipping up my jacket. “It was Eric, were going to the Junior High, shes waiting at the school parking.” Steve was back to looking worried.

“Are you oka..” His mouth snap shut when I raised my hand to stop him from talking, of course I wasn't okay.

“I'll come with you.” he said simply. “Let me just run and grab my jacket. I'll meet you at the parking lot.” I nodded and he walked out of the bathroom after giving me one more concern filled look.

I pushed open doors leading to the school yard and started to walk towards the parking lot. The snow had been packed by the feet of hundreds of students and it had turned hard and slippery. I walked by the oak and turned my gaze towards the school parking, Amanda was waiting for me at the far end of it. I started to walk her way when my cellphone rang yet again.

“Hi Leslie.” I said, a little annoyed because I was sure she only called to ask me why I wasn't eating lunch with her. This was much more important.

“Hey, I have some news about the one spreading the rumors. I cornered Sarah before lunch and she told me... well I don't know if I believe it but...”

“Yeah, I know.” I interrupted. “Amanda called, she said Eric told Sarah. Were about to go to the Junior High.” I was getting closer to Amanda now and I wanted to hang up since I was busy.

“Huh?” Leslie said. “No that's not what Sarah told me, according to her...” Leslie went quiet, she seemed to be hesitating.

“What did she tell you?” I frowned, I was getting pretty confused at this point.

“It was Amanda, she's the one telling people.”

What...?

I stared at Amanda and then back to the cellphone in my hand.

Wha... I had no idea what to believe anymore