Snowy Road - 4. Chapter 4 - Confessing the Secrets You've Nurtured

Chapter 4 – Confessing the Secrets You've Nurtured

I spent the three days after my breakdown, or whatever it was, avoiding Amanda and Steve. I was actually getting kind of good at it. Despite their attempts to corner me, I always had an escape route ready. And that was only if they managed to get hold of me. I'd probably discovered all of the schools 'safe spots' by now, I must admit that hiding in a bathroom stall during recess probably could be considered lame though. The classes I shared with them were a little tricky though. I had to make sure to be the last one entering and the first one out so that they simply didn't have neither time or possibility to talk to me. At the end of the third day I was tired, or maybe more like exhausted, since I simply wasn't made for going trough my school days in a state of paranoia. On the up side though, I think I'd developed planning skills that could rival any top notch secretary. My whole schedule had notes in the margin that told me where I would be hiding at specific times, I aimed to be unpredictable.

I can't deny feeling like I was betraying them, after all they were my friends and I couldn't even muster up the courage to give them an explanation for my behavior. That would include telling them about the reason for why I wasn't living with my family anymore. I wanted to tell them though. It was just that every time I even considered telling them about my situation I found myself already running to my next hide-out with a pressure in my chest and a burning sensation in my stomach.

Adam was my stress-reliever. The day after that embarrassing incident, you know when I cried and he held me and whatever, he took me to the mall to shop for some new clothes. We browsed several stores and I found out that he was just as fun to go shopping with as Leslie. He would do this french accent thing when I tried on different outfits, sounding really flamboyant as he made different comments about the clothes I chose. I particularly enjoyed it when he got so immersed in his role that he touched me, folding up a sleeve or grabbing me by my shoulders to make me turn around for him. Every touch left a tingling sensation or a warm glowing feeling.

“That shirt iz out of queztion! It'z too big and you're tres short!”

“Shut up, giant” I said, trying to look angry but failing miserably. “This one is supposed to be big! Would you prefer it if I bought one that showed my belly, or is that also too big for you?”

“Mais oui! Do that! Everyone would be swooning all over you!” He laughed and I joined him, mostly because his laugh was so damn contagious.

When we decided that it was time to go home we were carrying several bags filled with different pieces of clothing. Adam had good taste and I liked how he was able to find clothes that seemed to be both casual and classy at the same time. I'd remembered to buy gloves, thank god, and he helped me to pick out a pair in dark brown leather. Wearing them made me feel closer to him for some reason.

The next day was just as enjoyable as the one before, I couldn't really figure out why because we just spend the evening in his couch. I was watching TV and he was reading a book, The Thorn Birds. I teased him for reading a girls novel and he responded with a theatrical sigh before thoroughly explaining how he was just a loner, mending his lonely heart by reading tragic romance. He couldn't keep up his act though and started to laugh at the end of his monologue, it wasn't long before we both fell off the couch, holding our stomachs. It wasn't that funny really, but we just couldn't stop laughing. I think just the fact that we were laughing so hard was funny in itself.

Dear Diary

I've never written a diary before. I have no idea why I'm writing this. Or I guess I do, I just need to write this down to believe it. Here goes.

I think I have a crush, it's a secret one. My (secret) crush is funny and nice and smells good and... I think I'm going crazy. This (secret) crush can never see the light of day, it would destroy me if he abandons me too. Whatever, I'm flushing this paper down the toilet.

Bye Diary, forever.

The snow had piled up during the day, forming a layer that was almost two feet thick. I wished that I was wearing snowshoes, not that they would help much because I was carrying two heavy bags filled with groceries. I made my way towards the apartment, braving the snow with large strides. My energy seemed to seep away into the snow with every step, not that I had much left after working on top of avoiding my friends all day. I wondered if they knew I was avoiding them. Dumb question. Of course they knew, I mean three days of scurrying off as soon as they came close made it kind of obvious.

I was pretty relieved that today was a Friday, thinking that I could figure out what to do during the weekend. Leslie had spent her time these three days trying to encourage me. She thought that I should tell them the truth. Telling me that they, probably, would understand. I thought so too. Really, I did. It was just that 'probably' that stopped me. What if I'm wrong? What if they don't want anything to do with me anymore, when they know. I can be a coward sometimes, or a lot of times, sue me.

It took me longer than usual to reach the apartment complex, by the time that I did both my pants and shoes were wet and cold. There were large chunks of snow inside my shoes, still melting, and I longed for a warm cup of coffee and new socks. I walked, read splish-splashed, trough the lobby and up the stairs. It's funny how things get less bearable the closer you are to your goal, my cold feet were seriously killing me by now. It wouldn't surprise me if they were black from frost bite or something.

I unlocked the front door and quickly untied my shoelaces. Once my shoes were off I shock them violently outside the door to get rid off the snow that was stuck inside. Some snow chunks even flew as far as down the middle of the stair railing.

“Whoa! It's snowing indoors now? This fucking weather...” A deep voice rumbled.

No, it couldn't be...

“Hehe, sucks to be you. I'm snow free, maybe the universe hates you?” This time it was a girls voice.

“Shut it, this could be a sign of luck or something, I mean what are the odds...”

I heard the voices coming closer and there was no mistaking it. Steve and Amanda were making their way up the stairs.

Quickly, I closed the door and ran to my bedroom. Throwing my jacket in a corner, I started to occupy myself with changing socks. Maybe they're here for someone else. Steve's grandma could live here too. That must be it. I'm good at denial, it's just easier to not acknowledge the problematic things in life. That only works until they come and punch you in the stomach though.

The doorbell rang, damn, and I could hear Adam walking from his room towards the front door. At this point I didn't know what to do anymore, there was no way out of the apartment unless I pushed my way trough my friends, not an option I decided quickly. I could hear the sounds of Adam unlocking the door and I motioned myself to the entrance of my bedroom so that I would be able to hear the conversation that was about to take place.

“Hey, we are friends of Mark. Leslie told us where you live.” Amanda said with a cheerful voice. I was getting pretty angry with Leslie at this point, why did she try so hard to make things difficult?

“Oh, nice to meet you, I don't think Mark's home from work yet.” I let out a sigh of relief, but then I heard Adam continue. “Wait, his shoes are here, guess he's home then. Weird, I didn't hear anything.”

Even I know when to give up, there was no way I would be able to escape them this time. I walked out of the bedroom using sheer willpower. Amanda was standing in the entrance to the apartment, as usual she had a cheerful air around her. Steve was beside her, leaning on the door frame with a slightly bored look on his face. The absence of anger calmed me a little, but not much.

“Hey” I said, sounding a lot more casual than I expected.

“Hi Markie, mind if we come in?” Without waiting for an answer Amanda started to take of her boots. I stood in the living room and watched as they took of their jackets, feeling more nervous than I ever had with my friends. Too soon, they were done with undressing themselves and Adam told us there was coffee in the pot if we wanted some before he turned to go back to his room. I suddenly felt that I needed him with me for whatever was going to happen.

“Adam, wait! Uhm... I mean, would you mind joining us?” He looked a little surprised but smiled at me.

“Sure, if it's OK with you guys.” he said, looking at my friends. Amanda nodded and Steve just shrugged.

We went into the kitchen and I started to pour coffee for all of us. Steve and Amanda seated themselves at the kitchen table, it was barely big enough for the four of us, while Adam helped me carry the cups. The room went silent for a moment when we all were seated. I didn't know what to say so I just waited for them to make a move, thinking how nice it would be if they just drank their coffee and left.

“So...” Amanda started. “We're here 'cause... Well... What we wanted to know was...”

“What Amanda is trying to say is that we want to know why you've been avoiding us.” Steve cut in. “I keep telling her that it's your business but... here we are anyways.”

Adam gave me a questioning look but I ignored it, shifting my gaze back to my friends. Amanda had an inquiring expression on her face and Steve seemed to be as laid back as always. This is the moment of truth, I thought. Staring down at my coffee, I forced myself to talk.

“Uhm... As Leslie said, I live here now.” I started. “The reason for that is, well... I kind of ran away from home.” Amanda gasped at this but I didn't look up, my coffee seemed abnormally interesting at the moment.

“I wanted to tell you, really, but I guess...” I swallowed. “I guess I was scared... Scared of what you would think about me, once you knew the reason for, uhm, my situation.”

Adam seemed to realize what this was all about and he grabbed my hand under the table, giving it a gentle squeeze. His small action of support encouraged me, he was on my side, and I wondered how much harder this would be without him there to show me that I was safe. He laced his fingers around mine, firmly. Taking a deep breath, I continued.

“I ran away because... Because my parents didn't react well when they found out that...” I forced myself to look up at them. “I'm gay.”

Their faces were totally blank for a moment but then Steve smiled. OK, I thought, that's probably good. Amanda though, wore a mask of utter surprise on her face. She looked like I'd told her I collected roadkill under my bed or something. The room was silent for a minute until Steve decided it was time to say something.

“Finally” he said, still smiling. “It was time you told us, I've been wondering when you would say it.”

Wait, what?

“You knew?” I asked. This was a surprise, a big one.

“Yeah, I may only be bisexual but my gaydar is way better than yours” he said while chuckling.

Oh. I guess I wasn't the only one keeping secrets. It was relieving to hear him being OK with my sexuality. I felt all the tension I'd been building up drop a little bit. I still needed to know Amanda's reaction though.

“Honey” Steve said, looking at Amanda. “I think that you should say something.”

She looked at him, frowning.

“You... you could leave me for... Mark?” She said, still frowning.

Steve snorted and rolled his eyes. “I wont leave you baby, but that's totally not the point here.”

Amanda's face took on a perplexed expression before her eyes went wide and she suddenly jumped out of her chair, rushing towards me. I couldn't help tensing up since I had no idea about her intentions. It took me a while to realize that she was hugging, and not strangling, me.

“Sorry, Markie. I was just surprised, I mean, what about all those girls you dated? It never even crossed my mind that you could be gay.” she was still hugging the very breath out of me.

“I'm fine with it though, I've always wanted a gay friend... and now I have two.” she added, shooting a glance at Steve with suspicion tingling in her eyes. Steve just shook his head and laughed.

When Amanda decided that she'd hugged me enough and went back to her seat I looked at Steve, feeling that I needed some answers.

“How did you find out?” I asked and I couldn't really keep the worry I was feeling out of my voice.

“Relax man, you're not obvious” he said with a serious look on his face. “I just noticed how you looked at girls, or perhaps more how you didn't look at them. That made me a little suspicious but I wasn't sure about anything. Being your friend though, I had the opportunity to observe how you looked at other guys and after a while, I was pretty sure that you're gay.”

“Oh” I said, a little relieved. “So I'm not flaunting a rainbow flag without knowing it or something?”

“Nope, you seem pretty straight at first glance. Besides, neither Amanda nor Leslie figured it out right?”

“Right.” It was a little weird talking about my secret with them, I was accustomed to hiding it. It felt nice and relieving at the same time though, like I could finally be 'me' in front of them.

“This went better than expected.” I said, feeling a little apologetic. “I'm sorry for not trusting you, I was just freaking out, my parents reaction kind of marked me a bit I guess.”

“Don't worry about it.” Steve said. “It's always hard to confess that you're different, especially concerning sexuality. I'm sorry about your parents by the way, are you OK?” He was, for the first time tonight, frowning a little.

“Yeah, I'm... Better. Thanks.” I tried to make my smile reassuring, don't know if they bought it though. “Anyways, I'm gonna kill Leslie for telling you where I live, she had no idea how this would play out.”

“No! Please don't.” Amanda said. “She didn't want to tell me, I've been pressuring her for days now. She didn't really have a choice when I took her clothes after gym today and threatened her, saying she could either tell me or go home naked.” She looked dead serious and Steve muttered something that sounded like 'crazy bitch'.

“I'm glad Mark has such nice friends” Adam said, sounding a little like a proud mother. “Want to stay for dinner? I'm making lasagna.”

Scratch 'a little', he was in full blown mother mode apparently.

“Thanks but we have to go, we were only planning to stay until Mark spilled the beans.” Amanda smiled at him and winked when she added “Besides, Steve has to prove to me that he's still a man.”

She put her hand in front of her mouth when she realized what she was implying.

“Uhm, not that you're not a man Mark. I mean, I was only joking... Uh... Whatever, you know I'm not prejudiced.”

“Take it easy, Mandy.” I chuckled when she shot me a glare. She hates it when I call her that, just as much as I hate it when she calls me 'Markie'.

It was practically a free-for-all hugfest when they left, I think my confession brought us a little closer to each other. I was definitely less tense now, I didn't even feel as tired as before, that might have been because of the coffee though. Adam went back to the kitchen to cook us dinner and I joined him, feeling guilty that I hadn't helped him with chores as much as I felt I should.

It was fun to spend time with him like this, we would chat over the sound of sizzling frying pans and the chopping of knifes, I actually felt a little giddy. He seemed to be able to make any conversation lighthearted, that seemed to be the trademark of his family. I was practically smiling the whole time, the muscles in my face was actually starting to hurt. We ate in the light of candles, we did that every night, but this time it felt a little more romantic than before. I don't know why really, maybe it was because I was more relaxed than I'd been in several days.

After dinner we made our way to the couch, Adam suggested that we could watch a movie and it didn't take long before we were engaged in some kind of popcorn war, ditching the movie that was still rolling. Both exhausted, popcorn all over the floor and inside our shirts, we fell back on the couch and I found myself leaning into him, feeling his warmth all over the right side of my body.

As we watched the movie, I must admit that I kind of pretended that we were a couple, it was a nice delusion but at the same time it made me a little sad. I longed for it to be true but I would never, ever, tell him that I was crushing on him.

And I was crushing bad.